Advice Needed: My Partner Has a 5 Yr Old Daughter That He Wants to Live with Us

Hi! my name is D. and I have some experience with this situation if you want to talk you can call me at ###-###-####. It would be much better to talk over the phone than try and type it all out.

Sounds like a big dilema, but I believe that you should take her when she wants to come, being the product of divorced parents I can tell you that if you don't take her now and do take her in a couple of years, she will be worse and she will most likely blame you for not being able to be with her dad sooner. I went through this when I was about 10, my dad was dating a woman that I couldn't stand. My advice would be to accept her when she wants to come, sounds like she is not in a great situation right now and her safety and comfort should be everyone's utmost concern. Here is some advice for you when she does come: 1) Be the good guy, let your partner take on the disipline to start with, gradually as you both feel more comfortable around eachother you can slowly start taking over the discipline role. Of course if you are the only one home with her and must discipline her than go ahead. 2) Although you will have the new baby at home, have a girls day at least once every two weeks. Go to dinner and a movie or take her bowling, just you and her; also let her have a day where your partner does something fun soley with her without you and the baby. I am not saying don't do things as a family, but if you make her feel special and each of you have quality time then it will be easier. My biggest complaint about my stepmother is before she came, I had my dad all to myself and I just wanted to have a couple of days where that was possible again.
3) Tell her you love her; even if you are not 100% sure that you do. My stepmother never in 9 years told me that she loved me. 15 years later that is something that really sticks out in my mind. 4) Take an interest in her hobbies, if she does gymnastics or soccer or anyother sport, make it a point to go and watch and cheer her on. 5) Never ever ask your partner to choose. That is what ultimately ended my father and stepmothers relationship. A good father will always choose his daughter; as it should be. I hope some of this helps, I have never been in your shoes before, but I have certainly been in your future stepdaughter's. Treat her as if she were your own child, love her even when she makes it difficult. You two will bond and your partner will love you all the more for trying to make it work. Good luck.

Hi there C.! Well that is truly a dillema that you have. I can't say what you should do, but I can tell you that you have every right to be frustrated! The only thing I can say is that you already compare this little girl to her unstable mother which is no fault of her own that her mother is like that! You never know, she is probably being placed in your life because you can give her the stability that she needs and even the kind of love too. I am not saying that her parents don't love her, I am just saying that when parents separate, the child suffers and parents end up showing them love anyway possible which may not be good all the time. Sounds to me that you are a very good person and can give her that kind of nurturing love that she needs, and I don't think you want your significant other to have to choose between you or his daughter even if you say it's only until the baby is 1. I don't want to scare you, but God puts people into other peoples lives for a reason, and you might just be her answer. I wish you the very best with everything and a quick and speedy delivery! Take care and much Aloha! =)

S.

C., I was in a relationship with a guy for about 2 years. At first I did not have my daughter develop much of a relationship with this person because I didn't know where it was going to go. But when it did come time to develop a relationship it was all to clear that he didn't want much to due with her but yet was extremely loving to his own child that he had with his ex-wife whom the child lived with. I'm military and at the end of the assignment I had a choice. I could have worked an assignment to stay with him or go to my dream assignment which I applied for and got accepted. In the end I choose my dream assignment over him. It hurt really bad and it took me a year to get over it all but I know it was the best thing for me and her. My daughter nor I will not be treated second by any guy. I feel for you cause the reality is that you will be spending the largest amount of time with his daughter. I would maybe try to take a parenting class or if in time she still acts out maybe try counseling to learn how to glue it together. If you don't the ill feelings between you and his daughter will create a deep wedge in you and your mans relationship and paradise will be no more.

C.: First off how does a 5 year old get to say where she wants to live? Does her mother not care that she wants to go to her dad? I ask because I am dealing with my ex who got custody of my daughter when I remarried and moved with my husband to Hawaii. The judge wouldn't allow her to move with me. FL law says at 12 the child can be heard but not necessarily get their wish. If the child can come live with you then set ground rules. Give it a year and if it doesn't work out then she goes back to mom. But I think once your little one comes you will finally know how your partner feels for his little girl. My husband too wasn't a parent and loved my daughter and tried to understand what I was going through but it wasn't until he had his own little one that he finally understood the feelings and couldn't imagine being kept from his own son. Set guidelines and realistic expectations with your partner. If he's willing to take on his daughter and all her needs knowing how you feel then he shouldn't get mad when you remind him of what's expected out everyone. Good luck, but definately give it a try. I'd give anything to have my little girl with me (now 10).

I know you dont want to hear this, but my advice would be to get out and get your OWN place before this your baby is born! He will come over and spend the night and be helpful and not want to be away from HIS baby trust me as you said he is a good guy. I can tell you having been a former professional international nanny off and on for many years that your gut feeling is absolutuly the one you need to listen to here. You are right, You will need peace and quiet and rest in getting use to being a mom esp if you plan to breast feed. It is a full time exhausting but very fullfilling job. No nanny job can ever compare to actually being a real mommy to your own baby. It is soooo much better! But you will be drained , strained, anxious, nervous, angry with the above out of control scenario thrown at you at this time of your life. It will so totally affect your mothering this baby. Your happiness, peace of mind and not to mention your suppose to be enjoying YOUR first baby as everything is new and first time for everything . YOu will miss out on all of this and have no happy memories of you and your baby. UGH! What a selfish or rather ignorant demand to put on an expecting mother esp with her first baby on the way. Being you assured us all that he is a good guy, he is just being ignorant of YOUR needs and that of his new babies. You already know he is going to be exhausted and the majority of out of control bratty child not your own, will fall to you . As if you can handle that plus your new child. Enough! You need to think of this babies needs above his poorly mothered child. It is NOT your responsibility it is his ex wifes and his. Unbelievable that he thinks you are what like his mom and can do all things for all people. Get out now while you still have your mind and peace and good thoughts of your babies daddy. Think of what YOU need at this time. YOU need peace, quiet, and lots of help yourself. This is NOT a good time to take on his problem child as you already know hence the lack of sleep and inner peace.Listen to your gut feeling and go with that. It is easier to live on your own and make your own rules and have PEACE for you and new baby than to have no say and go bonkers and resent him and his 5 year old child. A mother who has been there and done that. Also, you will take much longer to heal when stressed, your milk may dry up and you will have to supplement if you are under stress , and your baby suffers with you as they feel all mom feels even in utero!Good Luck.

I have a 5-year-old, and a 2-year-old, and I would recommend taking her in the fall. A six-month-old baby is pretty easygoing, and you should be in a rested routine by then. I think it would be easier to get the 6-year-old under control before your baby enters the toddler stage. Mobile babies and independent toddlers are a handful, and you don't need to add an out of control school-age child to that. Just my opinion.

J.

I had a similar situation, however she never lived with us. We were very involved in her life. ok, back story...

When Chris (my ex) and I were together, his daughter was very much a part of our lives. She was 5 when I met her, and is now 10. She spent just about every weekend with us, and also some weekdays. When I was pregnant with my son, (which was also my first) she had just turned 6. She was a very demanding child and it really did put a strain on not only my relationship with her, but with Chris, and it was hard on me and my son. I was stressed out and tired all the time from the energy and effort I was putting into the situation. My situation was easily resolved though, when we moved 2500 miles away to Seattle (we're from Ohio), and she decided to stay with her mom.

I still keep in contact with her (since Chris and I broke up) and I am actually more a part of her life now than I was when we were together. I am less stressed out now though, but she's also grown up some and isn't AS demanding as she was. That age can be pretty difficult.

If she does come to live with you, she should have clear boundries about what is and is not acceptable. She'll have to adjust to you having a baby and her not being a single child (aka, center of the world) and find a way to get used to it.

I'd write out a list of 'pros and cons' and discuss it with your husband. It could keep potential problems later at bay. I think you not only have that right, you owe it to everyone in the situation.

HTH some -Beka

C.,
Trust me, I know just how challenging having a difficult step-child can be as I have 3. When we began discussing the children's living arrangements my resistance came across to my husband as laying down the "it's them or us" line in the sand. He was absolutely correct when he told me that I didn't have the right to make him choose. Unfortunately, if you love your partner you must also try to love his children, no matter how difficult that may be. I choose to think of each day with them as an example of what a real family can be like. My husband's ex is a nut job (for lack of a better word) and has never provided a truly stable home for the children. After a few months with a "real mom" following routines and rules the kids have adjusted and so has their behavior. I try to remember that they probably feel as overwhelmed by me as I do by them, and I do my best to mother them as well as I can.

C.,

1) You made the commitment to love this man with no conditions and limitations, you expect him to love you the same. If the tables were turned how would you feel?
2) This is a little girl who is lacking something in her current situtation, the usually are when they act out. You seem like a very caring and loving person who once you get past your own selfishness(sorry) will be a very good mother type person to her. And she seems like she needs it. I say this because if me and my man were divorced or separated there is NO WAY I could just send her away and her mom doesnt really seem to care that shes doing that to her.
Sure she's diffucult my daughter is five and just the same. But you have a chance to make her a better person as she grows. Also, it so awesome to have your children be not only siblings but best friends and them living together gives them that chance. Dont you want the good for you daughter too. And did you ever think that just maybe this little girl wants to be next to her sister.

I think that you should welcome this child into your life and your daughters life with open arms. It may or may not be easy but the truth is by six months old things seem to settle in and you can take a little bump for all the rewards you may gain in the end. Besides you love this man and his daughter is a part of his life and as the mother of his other child she is now a part of yours (as sisters should always know eachother who else can they stand by). If you move out like some suggest your going to hurt yourself and your baby (she deserves to be with her dad and it would seem his only fault is her wants to be with his daughter). If you tell him this you may hurt your relationship, truth be told she was there first and she's his blood.

I hope it all works out!

L.

We have a mixed family his 2 my 2 and are 1 as soon as we got together he was always gone cause of the military and his kids mom wasnt around but cause i loved him i took on his kids as well as mine {mine both bipolar and adhd} so i had my hands full. We just went through a very nasty custody battle with his ex she was trying to take the kids and today 4 yrs later i couldnt imagine losing his kids and not having the house full we have. If you love your partner then there is way to make it all work no matter how hard it will be just remember she will be in school all day .

Yes, you should accept her! If you love your partner than you love and accept everything about him. She is part of him. She is also just a little girl. Just love her even if in the begining it won't be so easy. She may turn out to be a sweet little helper and "big sister". Make her feel wanted and loved she deserves it.

If your baby is as challenging as my first child was, I think the little girl could be a big help for you. Little girls LOVE babies. She could be a big help with diapers, baths and feeding...engage her in getting towels, soap, diapers, wipes and everything ready for baths, feeding diaper changes, etc. My first son cried incessantly as a baby...he had extreme colic and boy do I wish I had another child around to engage him. Babies love kids, so this little girl could be a real god-send for you. Look at it that way. Once the baby is born, I think you'll agree.

Hi C.,
I would have to agree with the others. To me it seems that if you truely love your partner and want to be with him, then you would be 100% accepting of his daughter. I cannot imagine ever wanting to be with someone that would not fully accept my son. I am pretty sure that his daughter would not be so demanding if she was living there full time. As of now, when she comes to visit she is only there for a period of time and she wants all of the attention that she can get since she will not be seeing her father again for quite some time after she returns now. If she were to move in with you then she would not need 100% undivided attention as she would get attention from you both on a daily basis. Yes, children are always going to be somewhat demanding and alot of work. I understand wanting to spend time with your own child before she moves in how ever that would not be fair to her. If your child will be 6 months old by the time she moves that will give you some adjustment time to get used to being a new mom before she moves in. If I were in your partner's place and you asked me to not let my child move in I would end the relationship immediately regardless of time involved and regardless of the new arrival. Because that would not be fair to anyone but yourself. I think that you should explain to him that you are having some troubles with the idea and maybe devise a plan together to make things work and run smoothly. But I STRONGLY believe that if you tell him that you do not want his daughter to move in that it will hurt him emensely and probably your relationship as well. His daughter as well needs to feel wanted. By not allowing her to move in, she would feel unwanted. There are alot of lives involved in this decision and you have to make sure that you are doing what is best for everyone. I wish you good luck with your family. I do not mean anything personal in this message so please do not take it the wrong way.

G. M.

Okay I understand you want everyone around you to be happy and being five months pregnant there are some emotions floating around that you didnt even know you had. Fear, sadness, anger, frustration, all of these are normal. BUT you need to sit down with your partner and let him know that right now is a really bad time to bring in his "challenge" of a daughter. Who knows what will happen after this baby is born. You both need some time to devote to this child alone then bring in the "big sister" compromise by maybe extending the visitation time she has until she moves in but try your hardest to get out of taking her right now. The first year of the babys life is crucial you need the bond your partner needs the bond you can never get that back. There are times to be selfish and I honestly beleive this is your time.

Hi,

I sympathize with this situation and know it can be a very stressful one! I am a stepmom of a now 13 year old and an almost 15 yr old, but when my husband and I first met, they were 7 and 9. Being a stepmom has been the most challenging experience in my life so far. My stepdaughter has been the most challenging child I have ever met as well, so I totally get you on that point as well. I'm lucky that my stepson has been a joy to balance out the strain I feel being around his sister.

My advice to you is:
1. Seek counseling to help you and your partner through this adjustment period and to help you both feel like you have a voice in this process. I think finding a counselor who specializes in blended families is best and some have a sliding scale for those who have difficulty in paying for a counselor.
2. Try to accept the fact that this child is his and you will forever have some sort of a tie to her (your child will always be a sibling no matter what happens to your relationship with your partner). As much as I have wanted to not be around or deal with my stepdaughter, I have had to accept that she is part of the package whether I want her to be or not. So now I just have to figure out how to deal with her on a long term basis.
3. Read as many books as you can get your hands on about stepparenting...this really helped me with understanding many different issues. Books won't make everything all better, but can give you a better idea of everyone's perspective. I recommend "The Courage to Be a Stepmom" - by Sue Patton Thoele and "Stepcoupling" by Susan Wisdom and Jennifer Green. There are alot more out there too, but I definately found both to be helpful and informative for me.
4. Join a stepparent support group if you can find one in your area or there are online support groups as well.
5. Don't try to do too much in a parental role for quite a while. I think one of the biggest things I did that I would change is that I took on too big of a role in their lives. I wasn't trying to take over as a mom, but I started taking them to school and picking them up, doing everything a mom would do, including taking care of them while my then boyfriend was at work. This forced me to be in a disciplinarian role that I shouldn't have been in at that point which caused later problems in the relationship I have with my stepdaughter. Try to foster a relationship with her that is enjoyable as you can get. Try to leave the discipline up to her dad. If you have ideas or suggestions on how her dad is disciplining her, I think bringing up those things when you have time alone with your partner when he can be receptive is the best. This has been a sensitive subject in our house, so I really try to be as positive as I can be when telling my husband what I think might work better.
6. I think trying to define your boundaries on what is to be expected out of you is very important. Is your partner expecting you to take care of his child when she comes, and are you expecting him to do it instead? These are things that can be discussed in counseling too.

I could keep going on and on, but I will stop here. I just know that there are so many things that are unexpected in a blended family for everyone involved! I hope this helps you and that you really seek the knowledge you will need.

The best of luck to you and blessings from above,
M.

Although this is not the same situation I belive I've been in half of your boat. I had my daughter at a young age. i was 19 but did (thank god) get to stay home with her the first year. we ran into financial problems and I had to start babysitting this child who was not half as much trubble as you are saying. But I had alot of anger toward his mother because of the relationship with her and my ex husband in the past. This was not his son but the son of one of his sworn enamys and the father was not in the picture so my ex try'd to help out with his daddy role alot. anyway. This took time away from me and my daughter that is much needed in the first year as a bonding time. I subconciusly treated him badly. I put him on time out alot for doing just kid stuff that i now know was wrong. I know that it was repressed anger toward the situation i was put in in such a vulnerable moment.

This is my thought on the subject and I could be wrong but I think I'm right.

If you let his daughter come into your life while your still adjusting to the new baby change in your life then it wont only hurt you it will be a harful addition of stress to his daughter and here's why. you have the new baby so you'll be focused on that and her dad is never around and she wont have her mom.who will give her the attention she's used to? she will start being even more bad just to get attention. now she also has 1 st grade thats when they start getting homework thats more time away from the baby. plus you are not used to a 5 year old let alone any child in the house. thats more stress. Then you and her dad will fight more and you don't want that around a 5 year old. They know whats going on at 2 belive me.
Now if she stays with her mom for anouther year or 2 then she will get a school routine bult up. she will know when she gets home she does homework. she will know that her mom has time for her. she will be more mature when your ready for her. Also your baby will have developed a bond on her own with you. and you wont be so stressed all the time. (babies can sence that)
I understand that she needs to be part of the New family but she does not need to live with you to do that. Also make it clear to your partner that it would be eseir on you to adjust to motherhood with your own child first then move his in because you don't want to see the worst side of yourself with someone who is old enough to remember it and be scared for life because of it all because of stress. its a gult that eats at you forever. It does it to me.

C.,
Wow! You sound very frustrated and I can't blame you! While I certainly can't blame you for wanting to have time for just you and your new baby, I don't think you have any choice but to accept your sweetie's daughter into your life and home.
You mentioned that she reminds you of her mother and why wouldn't she? That's who she spends time with from day to day. Once you become her stepmom I'm sure you'll rub off on her too.
I'm sure you know that there may be a rocky transition period. That is a given. Just be sure to talk to your partner and be sure that you guys are united as a parental unit. So no undermining your authority. You'll be the one in the home with her all day, so what you say should go. I think when she realizes this it will be smooth sailing.
Maybe you can look on the bright side of things... it will be far easier for the little girl to accept you into her life now instead of when she's a b*tchy teenager. Now that would be a nightmare!
Good luck to you and enjoy that sweet new baby.