Need Feed Back

Sorry to sound ike dear Abby, but "wakeup and smell the coffee"!!! If it feels like you are a toy, then you probably are! Sounds like Mr. Divorcee is having his cake and eating it too!

Move on. It is obvious that there is still a connection between these two people and neither one is ready to move forward in a relationship with someone else.

If you were to re-read what you wrote and "assumed" you had to give advise to someone else, what would you say to them? Read the marriage vows and compare them with what you wrote - do they fit/match/...or are there gaping holes you can drive a semi-truck through? If he will "drop everything for the "x" what does say about him (if you were giving advise to someone else....)that maybe he still loves her? Is there a Pastor or Counselor who you can go to? Do you have a trusted friend? Have you avoided former friends because of this relationship?
NOTE: whatever problems you have now will be MAGNIFIED if you marry.

Hi L.,
I sounds like the child needs come first over yours and that probably will not work in a new marriage.
I think if he were going to listen to your concerns he would have by now, I don't think he is going to.
My granma used to have a saying " When somenone shows you themselves the first time, belive them." He has showed you not told you who he is and what he values the most.
I think it is way past time for you to move on with your life and find someone that truly loves, listens to you, and wants to be a partner and one with you in a marriage if that is what you want.
Good Luck,
K.

I agree with the lady that posted about the book, "He's Just Not That In To You." Another one I would recommend is "Why Men Love Bitches--From Doormat to Dreamgirl, A Woman's Guide to to Holding Her Own in a Relationship" by Sherry Argov. Stop being so accommodating of what your man wants and start being more aggressive with what you want. Being too nice makes you a doormat and he and the ex-wife will walk all over you. That saying is true "Why buy the cow if you get the milk for free?" This man has both an ex-wife and you to spend time with. Do you want to be his #1 or his back-up? Your choice. Personally after 5 years I'd wave the white flag and start looking for someone else on match.com.

I remarried almost a year ago and got 6 stepchildren (most grown, none live with us). There is always going to be drama and the child will always come before you and will be the leverage the ex-wife uses to make sure you don't marry if she isn't willing to accept you. Does your guy drop everything for this woman and his child, maybe even cancel plans with you for their benefit? If so, run like hell and don't look back.

It doesn't sound like the divorce is really final. Do you live in another town from your partner? It is not a very equal partnership. How old is the child? Looks like this relationship is going nowhere without the exwife and child in tow. I would reevaluate the terms of this ongoing arrangement. Seems like you need to take care of YOU. If you are happy living on the outside of their life together, more power to you. I think I would quietly break it off... if he would even notice you were gone. Good luck honey.

Just from the information you provided it doesn't sound "good". I'm sure there are a lot of factors and aspects of the story that you weren't able to describe in this sort of forum, but my question would be, "why are you staying in this relationship?" At best, your boyfriend has put his child as top priority in his life and feels that a part of that is still assisting his ex. At worst, he's still pining away for the ex and feels guilty for putting his child through a divorce situation. Either way, there's little left over for you. Personally, I think you deserve way more.

Go back and re-read your post. Make up names for you, your boyfriend, his kid and the ex. Read it like that - like it's someone else's story. These situations always seem to look fairly clear from the outside looking in, but when you're the one living it...........well, it just "looks" different when you have feelings and attachments, etc.

Good luck!
K.

I agree with Melissa. It might not be the best answer for you, but it is the best answer for the child. At the end of the day your partner's obligation is to make the child's life as normal and not impacted by the divorce as possible. I'm sure you love both of them and that is a wonderful thing but you are not the parent so you will have to take a back seat until the child is grown and out of the house.

It really sounds like you have a good heart but the child has to come first.

Good Luck.

L.,
You are wasting your time. If he were going to marry you, he would have already. Let him go and go find someone who values you to care about. A great church is the best place to find a good husband.

It's not my intent to sound harsh, so please don't take it that way. The reality is that this man is a father to his son before he's your boyfriend. And as the girlfriend, you ARE NOT a second mom to this child. You can only hold the position of adult friend to this child. I believe that if you truly care about this man, then you need to do what's best for him and his child and end this relationship. I'm sure your a wonderfully caring person, but the reality is that his responsibility is to making the best life for his child out a mess that he and his wife created by splitting their family up. You being in the picture only makes for more complications and strife. It won't be easy, but children of divorce suffer more than people would care to admit. You must do what's best for this child and that is to let both his parents work together and be parents to their child, if not husband and wife to eachother. I hope you do what's right. God Bless you.

I am very sorry to hear of your situation. I think that you are wasting your energy and emotion if you continue in this relationship. There is a book out there that you may find eye opening, "He's just not that into you." You are getting all of the signals that they are still emotionally tied to the ex, but you keep trying, so it sounds like your partner is having their cake and eating it too. Just remember that you have to decide how you want to be treated. Allowing people to treat you badly is an invitation for them to do it again and again. Sometimes we have to listen to our heads and not our hearts.

You never said whether you were ever married so I will assume that you have not been. Do you want to have a family and your own children? Let's be practical, you are in your 40s and not getting any younger. The man has not made you his wife in the five years that you have been together and they both think of you as a toy tell me that you will never marry him. If he drops everything every time the phone rings and goes running he isn't into thinking about your needs. Honey, time to move on before you wake up one day and discover you are 60 or so. You are the captain of your ship. You get what you demand out of life. The old saying of "Time and tide wait for no man or woman" in this case. Take off the blinders. Give him an ultimatum of 6 months and be prepared to move on if it doesn't work and don't look back. I whole heartedly agree with the other women on this one. Keep us posted.

Sorry but from experience, and the sound of things is that they need to get back together. I don't mean to say it is not good to spend time with the child and to be close (in living areas)but not that close. Children need to have time with both of their parents and as much as possible. However him be so eager to drop everything when the ex calls and so willing to do for her tells me that he hasn't let go of her. It is very good to remain amicable towards each other and good to be able to maintain a friendly and speaking relationship because of the child. What disturbs me is you saying how much he still cares for her and not anything about how he cares for you. Their are real reason why you are not living together, which I am sure you are aware of. Sometimes it is hard to face the reality of the message the actions you receive from them when you really want something to work out. Five years is a long time to put your complete life on hold. It seems to sound like he is not ever going to commit to a complete relationship with you nor does what you say sound as if he has any intentions of changing his relationship with you. Maybe you should tell him that he should never have divorced her because he is way to attached still to her not just the child. I can also understand helping her if it is truly necessary where the child is concerned, but not helping her because it is what she needs or wants him to do for HER. I know it is probably not what you want to hear but you are only giving yourself more grieve if you continue to allow him to stay in your relationship without him ending his obviously wanted attachment to his EX. I know how hard it is to let go of someone especially when you really have genuine feelings for them when theirs are not as genuine as yours for you. Love is never easy nor will it ever be easy. Love is a constant state of work that can be very rewarding if both parties work hard at it together. I wish you well, and may GOD'S comfort be with you.

S. in Dallas, Texas

He's just not that into you, sorry, but dump the idiot.

As someone who is married to a divorced man and the "bonus" mother of 3, I can tell you that it is much easier when the parents live semi-close to one another. We have had the opposite problem. As soon as we bought a house within a few miles of the kids, the ex uprooted them and moved them around 3 times until finally they are now an hour away, which is really hard on everyone. That being said, you can live close without being just a few blocks away.

But I think the bigger issue is that it does not sound to me as if your partner is fully prepared to make you a part of their life. Your partner is not sharing one of the most important pieces of their life with you. The fact is that you are an adult role model to their child and after five years, you should have some sort of serious place in the parenting process, especially if marriage is contemplated. That being said, perhaps the request to live just a few blocks from the ex was one they knew you would have a problem with, and so they made it just to discourage you from moving in together. You said that you have wanted it to be different for a long time, but it doesn't sound like they want it to be any different.

Please be sure you are loved and respected completely and don't rush into anything if you're not sure.

Run baby run.
The ex doesn't want this man and she is going to do everything in her power to keep him from having anyone else just in case she wants him back. He is a puppet to her games and until he makes his mind up that it will never change or he gets her back this is the way your life will be. He is using you for a physical release. Oh yeah, he will say he loves you but those are only words. Is he showing you by respecting you and considering your feelings. Probably not. Take a long hard look at this relationship and get out while you are still young enough to find a good man. They are out there.
You have allowed him to treat you like this when it comes to dealing with his child and the ex and the bad thing is...now it will never be the way you want it to be. Believe me!!!!!

Run baby run.....

Hello Laurie
I attend Charity Church. Our Bishop taught a series on relationships. You can order them on cd, dvd, and I would like to invite you to visit on Wed 7:15 Bible Study. Friday 7p to 8p Resurrection (Deliverance/Healing Ministry) and Sunday Service 10:30. We also have wonderful Youth Ministry. Our address 4400 Panola Ave, Fort Worth, Tx ###-###-####, ###-###-####. Order material by mail.

May God bless you ,
Evangelist F. Simpson

Hi L.,
I am afraid if its that way now, it will be that way forever. I found too many who are divorced are not really divorced. The child keeps them bound forever. The best you could hope for is exactly what you have right now. I know this is not encouragement you want but it is reality. B.

L.,

It sounds like he doesn't want to commit to you. You need to make your desires known. If this is not what you want, then go elsewhere. He is not worth the pain and heartache that will come later.

Your better then this. Tell him so and take a good 6 months to be with you get to really know you and what you want out of life then when you have it set in stone get out do things you've never done and find someone that will treat you as good as you are. At the first sign of him not treating you right tell you will not stand for it he can change or your gone give 2 weeks and stick to it.
Brightest Blessings

It's tough, but it seems you have a choice to make, either accept the situation the way it is, obviously after 5 years it's not going to change. Or step back and make the choice not to be a part of this. Perhaps a good heart to heart in a way that is non-confrontational with your boyfriend will allow you both to see just where your expectations are for this relationship.

Perhaps your bf feels guilty about the divorce and therefore feels he needs to be at the beck and call of his ex wife. Perhaps he does not have the same expectations for a relationship as you do. Or he has not fully dealt with the issues that caused his marriage to not work.

All in all if you relationship goes any further- things probably will not change. You will still not have any authority in situations. You just have to decide if that is what you want or not.

I can understand being super involved in the child's life, but if your partner is that involved in the X's life, then it's time to move on.

Give him some time and he may be able to move past his past relationship and give you a call.

Good Luck!

It sounds like your partner still has feelings for the X. I get the feeling he's holding onto you but doesn't want to make any commitments just in case the X and he can get back together. If you want to live as 2nd best, then moving close to the X will make things convenient for all. Although it's easier for us to say than you to accept, I agree with the other moms that you are probably wasting your time.

I am thinking that he wants to be close to his child. If that is the case, support him!

It might be time to start caring for yourself a little more, and weaning yourself from them with an eye towards caring for someone who will give you the same consideration. I know it's always awkward trying to blend in or blend two families together, but from what you say it seems you're not being included in the mix much at all. I don't know about the rest of you folks, but that would make me pretty insecure about my relationship, and we all deserve so much better than that. Ditch that x and find you an o.

Good luck, i feel for you sweetie.

L.,

You are not going to like this feedback. I'm sorry my dear, but you need to move on with your life;, without this man and his family. I'm sure that will break your heart, but if you keep trying to force your way in, you will be resented, if you aren't already, and you WILL get your heart broken. Moving in together will only make it much worse.

L., you said that you believe they think, and treat you like a "play toy." You deserve so much better than that!!! It's past time to move on and find someone who isn't so aborbed in other areas. Why do you want to continually put yourself in such a hurtful situation??

God loves you more than you could ever imagine!! Seek Him and you will find Him! When you begin to establish a relationship with Jesus Christ, and seek to find ways to serve others in your community, you will find that the horrible lonliness and emptiness will go away, and you just might meet someone who deserves YOU!! God DOES work in mysterious ways!! He has in my life over and over again.

I wish you all the best!

T.

To be blunt, you need to move on... find someone who will appreciate you for who you are and what you have to offer. I know it is easier said than done, but you deserve all life has to offer and not just the leftovers of someone else. I was in a similiar situation and someone told me the same thing. I have the man of MY dreams now and we have a wonderful, very fulfilling life. I know it can be done, and you deserve all the happiness and joy life has to offer. Someone that will put you, and your needs, above all else. Wishing you much peace and joy as you move forward.

I'm sorry, but you will have to accept that your "partner" and his ex will be focused on their child (as they should be) until that child is grown. Please understand that this is completely normal, and is not meant as a "slam" to you...it is just the way it is. Maybe you should reevaluate your relationship here, and move on to someone who is not already committed to a child/exwife. It is very good for the child involved, that the parents want to live near each other - how wonderful that they can work together parenting like that! I'm sure you do love/care for them...but, this is usually the way things are in a divorced/w/children situation...and it may be best for them and yourself if you leave this relationshp altogether.
I know this is not what you may have wanted to hear, I'm sorry - but, I have lived this situation myself...and you are trying to create an impossible life for yourself.
I'm in my forties as well, and I've learned a few things in life (finally!).
J.

Why have you been trying "to be a secondary parent since we met"?

That's crazy. You just meet a child and you try to be a "secondary parent"????

And then get your feelings hurt when the mother is not supportive?

How can you be in your 40's and not know these things? You sound very young.

Look... until you have a ring on your finger and a date for your wedding... you have no relationship to that child. You are her dad's girlfriend... not a secondary parent. The child has two parents... that is quite enough until the time you become her dad's wife.

I would advise against you moving in before the wedding.
And you don't sell your house and move to a new town without a ring and a date. You need to step back and use some common sense.

It is not the child's fault the parents got divorced, and having both parents a few block from each other is an ideal a situation for the child. Its good to know your boyfriend drops all to run to the support of his child and what his X needs. It shows you what a supportive dad he will be to your children should you both get married and have them.

These are good traits in a father. If you step "in the way" to prevent this behavior, he needs to seriously question your entering his child's life.

If you can value your boyfriend's traits and not become jealous... and can get a ring on your finger and a date for your wedding... then I congratulate you... sounds like you are getting a winner of a husband... and an ex-wife that loves and protects her child.

Of course the mother is very "controlling"... its her job. When you have children, I hope you conrol the situations your child gets into as well.

All that said... it sounds like you DO care and are a loving person... just let first things go first... get married.

If in 5 years he hasn't shown you more respect for your feelings than this, then you need to wake up and smell the coffee.
It WON'T change.
dating is the man's way of showing you his best. It usually doesn't get any better in marriage than when it is the best during dating. if he is a slob during the dating, what makes you think he will be neat and clean upon marriage? but most women are convinced they can change them. and besides, you accepted his best while dating, now that ya'll are married, why are you changing the rules? (That was just an example)
Obviously, he still cares a great deal about the X. which is ok. and i am glad that he treats his child well. But basically you are seeing how it will be when you two are married. If he won't let you parent now, do you think a marriage will automatically give you status? do you honestly think the MOM will let you be involved. I mean you have been with this guy for 5 years and aren't included, and the mom doesn't support you. Do you really think it will change with a marriage to this guy? No, It will probably get worse, because if you marry or move-in with him, now you are a real threat to her little world, where she has so much control, and she can manipulate everyone to her hearts content. And she still has her X, and her currrent man. Why would she want to give all that up for you???? And your boyfriend doesn't want to give it up for you either. Because if he did, he would have long ago. Not because you asked, or begged, or threatedned, but because he loved you and it was the right thing to do. and he would be respectful of your feelings. and interested in your happiness.
pretty much now he uses you for a fill-in. you have no real standing, he doesn't put any of your needs first, you are not allowed to be more than a babysitter or "toy" to his kid, and you wait right there to take whatever he dishes out!!! which is poor emtional investment on his part, so basically he is just spinnnig his wheels with you while the X gets all the good stuff. and you let him be lazy where you are concerned. why would he want to change? if you demanded certain behaviour, i guarantee, he would dump you. because you would make it to hard and would put his foolishness out there for all to see. he has no reason to invest anything with you. he has his cake and can eat it to.
if i were you i would run as fast as you can away from him and let some other schmuk of a woman fill in for his X, or his babysitter, or whatever you represent in that equation. because it sure isn't a respectful equal where feelings and the person are respected.
and just for more thought, you rate lower than his X, his child, and the X's boyfriend. I would want a relationship where I was rated higher than that.
And face it, if things were going to change they would already done so.
I would tell him how things stood, ask him where this relationship was going, tell him I'm unhappy, and what he can do to help fix it. He is either willing or not. If he is willing i would make it very well known to him i would give him another chance but only for a limited time for things to improve, and then I would leave. if he isn't willing to change or to take your feelings into account then it is already time to leave.
and i know he will say, "you are trying to take me away from my child" actually you aren't but you want some emotional connnection also. Not in replacing the childs attention, or bond....but in addition to that bond. You are not asking him to choose, but for you to be included. and not just the 3rd wheel all the time.
I guarantee that all this will be a surprise to him. I don't understand how he can keep everything so seperate for 5 years, and why this has been tolerated by you. I don't think that you should come between him and his kid but you are certainly not included, and at the 5 year mark, you should no longer be considered the third wheel, but an adult of equal standing in the dynamics of the relationship of the X and the kid.
And don't even go to the place about you "LOVE" him and that will fix everything. BAH HUMBUG!!!!! Love is a decision. Romance is a feeling. and you didn't even say that you are engaged to him. so as far as I can see this relationship is going no-where for you, but he sure does get alot of perks.
I would bail and go find someone who was willing to put me and my feelings first and to cherish and spoil me like i deserved and wanted the same in return.
I hope you are strong enough to do what needs to be done and tell him to start stepping, and don't let the door hit you where the good Lord split you!!!!!!!
other than that i think that you already know the answers to your questions, you either need validation, or an excuse to stay, or an excuse to leave.
RUN!!!!

I may get some flack for this, but I'm of the opinion that divorcees should be left alone to raise their children. I don't think it's in the best interest of anyone, especially the kids, to enter into a relationship with a person who's trying to be a parent after a divorce. The children have gone through a horrible experience, in effect losing a parent, and will only resent a new person coming in.

I think it's awesome that your partner is trying to stay close to the child (although not as awesome as staying in the marriage) and I don't fault either of them for not involving you too much in the mix. As hard as it is to hear it, you should move on and find someone with no baggage.

L., you don't give a lot of specific informtion, for obvious reasons, but from what you say, I would suggest you and your partner enter relationship counseling. I suggest you read "Getting the Love you Want" by Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt. Dr. Dave McKeown and Dr. Margie McKeown, Rockwall, are excellent therapists trained in Dr. Hendrix's model. They also give wonderfully helpful workshops based on the book, usually equalling about 6 months of therapy. L., 5 years is a long time. This therapy, called Imago Relationship Therapy (featured on Oprah many times), will help move your relationship to a more productive place. Good luck.

L.
You seem to be a very genuine and caring person based on your words. I would caution you to NOT sell your home especially as the two of you are not a legally binding couple. The control that his ex has over him now will only get worse should you two become legal. You will NEVER be allowed to be an active parent in the life of this child. You will only risk getting hurt and pushed to the side. I speak from experience but there were two children involved and my life was hell.

I understand the need or desire to be a good father and support his ex wife, but should include you as a partner, if you are involved in a relationship. If you are considered just trophy girlfriend...(someone for the arm). Then you will never be considered a true partner and never have attortity in this childs life, which creates an unhealthy relationship for the child, husband and the ex. As a partner in a relationship (five years makes you a partner), you should have rights in what will you accept and do not accept in your home or in your presence as far as the daughter is concerned. She should see you as an equal partner in her fathers life, not someone who just plays with her while she is visiting (not that having fun is out, but you have to have rules to follow). If you can not get that across than the relationship is domed to end.

As a parent, your man friend appears to be available and attentive to his responsibilities. Since the child seems to have both a mother and a father, the child doesn't need another parent right now. If you want to be more than a steady date, you may want to look elsewhere.

The child came before you, and will ALWAYS remain BEFORE you in everything. If you can't accept that, you are better off moving on with your life. When children are involved, the Ex is also involved. Such is life with significant others with history.

First your job, since the child has two parents that care for her, is to be a friend, not a parent, and as for them living close, it is for the child to have a stable place close to both, and not the upsest of when they ahve to travel so much. It is quite common for a person not married to put the child first. When you are married to the childs parent, the two of you then put each other first, because you both want the best for the child, and loving each other is the best gift you can give a child. Since he is no longer married to the mother, this isn't the case, but raising child he loves as first place is not that far out of line. Is the mother re-married??? If not I am wondering if in counceling they would make a home again. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but to keep from getting hurt, you don't want to stay in a relationship that may not be best for you, when there may be someone out there that is best, and you won't meet them while in this one.

I agree with pp don't date a devorcee, he needs to focus on his kids and he is not marriage material.