Advice Needed - Brooklyn,NY

I think it's important children have consistency (as much as possible). It may confuse her to have one set of rules with them and another with you. If you feel, as I do, that sitting on the table is unacceptable you may have to let them know. You may have to ask them to please not let her do this. It's creating bad habits.

Hi S.! Since this is now causing problems at home I would explain it to them and politely ask them to stop allowing it at their house. Better yet, have your husband do the talking. Since it's his family, it shouldn't be your responsibility.
Good luck!

If I were you I'd have a nice little talk/explanation with the grandparents to please "stop". You are the mother, and the grandparents should respect your very legitimate reasons.

You need to tell them you don't allow her to do that at home and you would appreciate if they wouldn't let her do it at theirs since you are the one that it makes it hard for. PLUS it is very confusing for kids to be allowed to do one thing and then be told "no" by someone else. YOU are the parent. They need to be on the same page as you or eventually seh will play them against you and vice versa. Ask them to respect your decisions as the parent.

I understand your plight since my MIL would allow my daughter to do display some pretty bad behavior with no consequesnces and sometimes even get rewards. (crazy, right?) I just had to stand my ground, and it wasn't easy - believe me. SO - good luck!

I would explain the situation to them and ask them to stop, since this is probably only the beginning, and if they spend so much time with your baby, you all need to be on the same page about certain things. Good luck!

I'd tend to think you need to tell your in-laws to stop playing this game with her...as it will lead into other things that might turn dangerous.
She's also processing conficking info about what is right and wrong....what she's allowed to do or not to do.
You don't want her learning that it's OK to stand on funiture and to throw what's on top of it off any where.

don't allow this! she will do it everywhere you go--restaurants, playdates. plus you don't want her thinking it's okay to climb on the table for the same reasons and SAFETY!! you make the rules and they should be followed no matter who is caring for her. the last thing you need is to undo the bad habits witheverything else you have to do and worry about. good luck! mom of 4-1/2 y.o., 2-1/2 y.o. and 1 on the way

I would be firm with her and not let her do it in your house. Kids will have different rules and "punishments" in school, at Grandma's, at an Aunt's house and they will learn. My daughter is a gem for my mother but a terror for me. She is the perfect student but a whining baby at home. My nephew used to go to my mothers house and touch nothing - no nick nacks - and things were in his reach. My mother didn't allow that - my sister-in-law went nuts because she wasn't firm with him and he touched everything. Anyway - the point I am making is - don't stop her from having fun at Grandma's but make sure she knows her boundries at home. Good Luck!!!!!! Merry Christmas!!!!

Dear S.,

Tell them to stop or better yet have your husband tell them. Just tell them that now the baby wants to do this where ever she goes and it is creating a problem. Can you imagine being in a restaurant and trying to correct something that really was not her fault. It really is not a good habit to get into even at grandmas house. Unfortunately this is what grandparents do. My mom would have hung from the chandelier if my kids asked just not to say no to them. I found that my husband would handle his family issues and I would handle mine. Extra cookies and milk are okay at grandmas not tossing things off the table. Good luck and happy holidays!!

Hi S.,
They probably don't realize that they are setting up a bad habit, and while they may find it cute or funny and are happy to clean up after her when she does this, it probably has not occurred to them that she would expect to be allowed this behavior at home. I would have a discussion with the grandparents about how a one year old cannot understand why some things are allowed in one place and not in another. It might be one thing to allow special rules when a child is older and can reason/understand, or if they see the grandparents very occasionally. If the grandparents have the privilege of seeing the child often, along with that comes the responsibility of maintaining the same rules and discipline as at home.
Good luck!

At your childs age I think that the best thing to do is have one set of rules that follow to every house b/c your daughter is too young to know that mommy and daddy can have one set of rules and grandma and grandpa have a different set. When she is older then they can let her do forbidden things in their home as long as she knows it stays there. At our house my children do have one set of rules and when they go the the inlaws they have a complete different set.(for instance, they can jump on grandmas couch, but can not do that at home) Hope this helps!

Hi S.,
I have a few ideas that you might try depending on your personality and your relationship with your in-laws. You could simply say, "You know, (daughter's name) is expecting to do these things at home and they are not allowed." Just knowing that it's creating problems for the child may make them stop. It's really not fair for the child to have sort through the confusion of what she can do where and with whom. Consistancy is much easier for them to learn from....we don't climb on tables or drop things off, period. Or you could ask your mil to sweetly tell her that this is something she only does at Grammys, not at home. Then you can reinforce that it's special behavior that Grammy allows at her house only. Finally, if you're more direct and the relationship you have with them allows, say, "Look guys, this is causing us lots of grief at home. It would help if you could follow rules similar to those we've set at home. Thanks."
Just a few ideas...good luck!

I bet they don't realize the difficulty they've created in letting her do this. I'd make a funny comment about how hard it's becoming to deal with her tantrums, especially regarding this particular behavior. Then ask them if they can help you, by also not letting her do it at their house.
(I think the key here is ASKING, if your in-laws are anything like mine!)

She's too young to understand that different places have different rules!

I'm going to answer from the grandparent point of view. When our grandkids do things like this we think it's cute. The behavior at 14 months old of making something disappear only to have a grown up make it reappear is typical. It's like peek a boo only with items instead of faces.

Before you speak with your inlaws you need to take a big step back a look at the big picture. As yourself the main question: Is this something that will endanger my child? If the answer is no then keep your mouth shut.

My grandchildren are ages 2-6. They do different things at my house than at home. They get to eat lunch on tv trays watching their favorite dvds. They can take out all the toys they want to play with and sprawl them on the floor. They can get an extra cookie or lolly pop. The kids know that it's special at grams and the rules at home are different. Kids are smart and figure it out. I would never think of putting them in the car without a carseat or endangering them in any way but gram's house should be fun.

Pick your fights wisely. The rules at home aren't going to be the same rules at school or the library or the playground.

Your daughter will learn that some things are allowed in different situations, while others are not. She cant get up and run around in a restaurant for example. Things she does at home will not be allowed in school.
BUT sitting on a table is DANGEROUS...period. Explain to your in-laws that little ones move very fast and you are afraid she will fall, no matter how careful they are. Mention a 'friend' that had a child with a bad injury to ease their feelings, but insist that she not be allowed to sit on tables..at all..ever. There are other things that they will allow that will irritate you, but thats a grandparents privilege. LOL As long as its not dangerous you cant worry about cookies before dinner.

I had the same thing too - but eventually they'll learn that it's ok to do it at Grandma's house, not ok to do it at home.

I love my parents and my mom-in-law and I don't want to cause any friction/tension - I tell them once in a nice way, I don't like it, don't want to do it, etc. Then if I see the behavior - then I tell her that you can do it at grandma's house, but not here!

Consistency is the key - 14 mos is young, but just be consistent as you can.

I have two girls - 15 mos and 3 1/2 yo and they know...they just do. Pick your battles!! My mom lets the kids watch TV all day, but they can't at my house! My mom-in-law lets them eat butter (but not at my house!). :)

Use your best judgment...

It depends on why you don't want her doing it at home, I don't think sitting on a table is acceptable but she's young and if its her fascination with the act of dropping things to the floor, I kind of find that a learning experience...she's realizing cause and effect...so what are the circumstances and how are they handling her in that situation? Depending, Just tell your daughter that is a special thing only allowed at the grandparents or with the grandparents then just walk away from the tantrum. 14 months is a bit young - my son is 20 months and I've dealt with this for a little while now, I honestly can't remember how young he was when similar situations arose. I have the same issue - my inlaws watch my son CONSTANTLY (I work full time so they have at least one &1/2 designated sitting days not to mention all the other times) - and they let him do things like stand on the counter and go through the cabinets for just ONE example - of course they are there holding him and not allowing him to play with breakables - all of his things are on the bottom shelf where he can reach - I don't totally mind THEM doing these things but I honestly don't have time for it myself nor do I want my son standing on my counters all day, so I just am firm and say thats for grandma and grandpa to do, mommy doesn't do that with you...makes it sound a little "special" and gets me off the hook...and lets be honest, grandparent DO have a different set of rules, they get away with a lot more than we do as parents, no matter HOW HARD us parents try to enforce our rules...theres a lot of fine lines...I could ask them to not allow it but I personally feel it isn't hurting anything and it keeps him occupied and thinking so if they are willing to stand there and safeguard his explorations, then all the power to them. I know he'll eventually not be so interested and move on to something else.

With a mother-in-law who would allow my girls to do anything at "nanny's house" - children do not understand that one thing flies at one house and not the next. I would just ask them to please try to comply w/the examples you are trying to set at your own home. My MIL would give my children soda which I absolutely did not want them having, overload them on sugar which my youngest still can't have a whole lot of & talk to them in a baby language. You have no idea how good it felt when my oldest was about 4 and told my MIL that they are chicken nuggets not chicky nuggets! Good luck! It's a hard thing to do, but if you don't stop now, imagine what it will be like down the road.

Hi S., Wow! I am interested in knowing what kind of things are being thrown off the table:-( As a grandmother who babysits every day I know the importance of what the children do and don't do and the consequences for them for me and for their mom. As "the mother" you have every right to say something to your in-laws (not in front of your baby) Can you let them know the trouble it has caused you? It may be up to them to find a new "game" Your little girl is young to have these tantrums but obviously enjoys what she does with her grandparents. Her age group loves "throw- ing almost anything but are told NO to most except for a ball and never in the house. I hope they are not touchy and will understand. You may need some intervention from their son. Best wishes, Happy New Year, Grandma Mary (mom of 5)