30Y/o Autistic Man at Church with the Kids?

Why are you assuming that he meant he romantically or sexually loves her? He made a new friend and he loves his new friend. It could be as simple as that. Being autistic, he doesn't have the social filter to restrain expressing his affection and excitement at having a new friend.

On the flip side, my autistic daughter has trouble identifying her emotions and stating what they are without some help. The fact that he CAN identify his emotions and express them is wonderful to me. I don't think it has anything to do with his sexuality. He sounds much more emotionally on level with a teenager, possibly younger. My own 10 year old autistic daughter is emotionally on par with a toddler. If this man is similar or even more delayed than she is, then emotionally he WOULD be a young teen.

He should not be in a group with middle schoolers and needs someone to speak to him about boundaries.

I totally *get* this. My 16 yo step dtr is moderately retarded so mentally she is about 3-5. However, at church, she does not go in with the 3-5 yos. She sits in our church service because she is old enough to do so and sits quietly and listens. Although we have a high school youth group, and everyone at church knows her and *gets* her, I do not allow her to go to the youth activites. Simply because there are hormonal boys there and she looks *normal* and is fully developed with a VERY cute figure. So I am smart enough to not put her in those situations where someone may be tempted to take advantage of her. As far as your situation, I think you need to speak to the youth pastor about your concerns. No matter what his disability is, he is not being appropriate with your daughter. These "kids" with disabilities need to learn social manners and be able to handle social situations. If not, then he needs to be removed from the group. JMO. Good luck.

I know there really isn't much of a place for people like this, but it's also really inappropriate. I would not feel comfortable with a MAN in my 13 year old's class. This is where the problem lies, he is STILL a MAN. A man, who obviously struggles with social cues and boundaries. sure, he has to be taught in a kind way. That place, is not with young teens. Honestly, I really would not be OK with this.

I worked at a kennel when I was 18. There was a young man there with autism, who also had other delays. (Much like you described.) Of course, they thought the animals and responsibility would be great for him. Thing is, he had no proper boundaries and little impulse control. He did things that made me feel very threatened, as well as the other girl that worked there. Ultimately, he was fired. I was unsurprised, to see him on our sex offenders list recently. (I am now 30.) His IQ was high enough, that he is not legally mentally retarded. I remember the mom saying this, because she was struggling to get him into the correct educational programs. I don't think he wanted to, or meant to hurt people. Truly, he just didn't understand. But you know what, he still raped a 17 year old. She will still never be the same, even though he didn't understand. My point is, he may not be an "adult" but he is a MAN. He has the power of a man, and possibly the urges of a man. It's totally inappropriate for him to be in this class.

You are not making a big deal out of this. A physical man (even if not emotional, or mental) was inappropriate with your daughter. This NEEDS to be dealt with, no matter what his limitations are.

I would print out the postings and show his caregivers. They need to help him understand this is not appropriate behavior and could ultimately lead to him getting into serious trouble with the law.
I hope his caregivers also recognize that he can never belong to a group of teenagers again. They are not his peers.
I think they will be very grateful to you but if they are not I think you are obligated to inform the pastor. What if your daughter was flattered by the attention this man was showing her? This could have ended very badly for both of them and IMO you are not making a big deal out of nothing.

I personally dont think a 30 man belongs in a group with middle schoolers, regardless of his impairments. Your dd needs to unfriend him on fb and you should speak to whoever is in charge of the youth group. There are plenty of groups and organizations for impaired adults, I used to work with adults that had TBIs, we used to take them to all kinds of events and outings. Middle school age youth group was not one of them. I dont think its appropriate for the exact reason of what happened with your dd.

Absolutely talk to his parents or his guardian about it. Tell them that you sympathize with their predicament, seeing that you have a special needs daughter, but it is just really important that they somehow get across to him that he cannot talk like this to people.

You do need to block him from your daughter's facebook. Don't just defriend. Block it. Tell the parents that you are going to do it. I'd show them what he wrote before you block, so that they can't say it isn't true.

Be kind, but firm. You are doing him and them a favor, and it IS your business. He involved your daughter, so you must address it.

Dawn

I would talk privately to his parents before bringing anyone else into it. I'm sure they would agree that it's inappropriate and they may have ways of talking to him and handling it effectively. Perhaps it's simply an issue of monitoring his computer use.

Do it without being accusatory, just simply stating the problem and calmly working together to find a solution and make sure it doesn't happen again - or worse - with your daughter or another child. It sounds like you'll be able to be empathetic and keep it under control.

If the parents resist, you can talk to the leader of the class to make sure he is watched the whole time he's there and behaving appropriately. If he doesn't, he would need to be removed.

growing up, we had 2 Down Syndrome kids/adults in our neighborhood. At 1st, all seemed well. But then everybody noticed changes.....

& eventually, all children in the neighborhood were warned to avoid the two. The young man was in his early 20s, the girl in her 30s. They roamed the neighborhood at will....& attempted to have sex with each other in the alley, between the yards, etc.

The girl was physically abusive to her parents. The boy remained as sweet as could be to his parents, but not the kids in the neighborhood. She was allowed to stay at home, but he was placed in a home for the rest of his life.

How sad that this is my memories of Down Syndrome. It took a beautiful, funny little girl with Down Syndrome to turn me around as an adult. We all adored her....loved watching her play with the kids in our family....until the day she did not survive heart surgery. She was my 1st positive experience with Down Syndrome & my 1st pediatric heart patient. She turned my world upside down.....into the correct position! She removed all of my childhood fears, & in a sad/sad way prepared me for the sweet short life of my own heart patient daughter.

I know that you are speaking of autism, but with higher-functioning.... they can be very similar in social situations. I would address this issue & block the young man on FB. I would make sure your daughter has "more" protection at this point in her life, & share all of this with the pastor. Oh, & with "more" protection...I mean, sit in on the class & particularly watch those bathroom breaks. I know I sound paranoid....& I do apologize to all of the offended parents! But better safe than sorry with a young man not quite able to be responsible for his actions.

I wish you Peace.

Call his parents and explain what he did, with charity. If they are truly looking out for his best interests, they will address it. If not then you have an idea of what to do next. I would contact who ever is in charge of the group he attends and tell them what he has done so that they are aware of it and can watch for inappropriateness. I would also explain to your 13 year old that she is perfectly within her rights to tell the Man he is being inappropriate. Remember the most loving thing you can do for this man is to teach him appropriate social skills and make sure it doesn't happen to another child.

He should be with the adult groups.
Not the children, groups.
His parents need to be told and the Leader or Pastor of the group.

But the thing is, not only has he made "contact" with your daughter on FB, but they are in the same church group, right?
So they/he will have contact with her there, too.
You need to have a talk with your daughter. About safety, about feeling awkward around him or any guy. And what to do. Or if he follows her etc. It could be any, guy. But if adoration turns to something "uncomfortable"... that is never, appropriate. It could be him or another guy.
Girls, have to know... these things. And be taught.
Thus, you need to be open with your daughter, and frank.

Whether it is with this autistic man, or any other boy/guy/man/teen boy... you NEED to talk to your daughter, about how to handle untoward advancement upon herself from any guy. She is 13. It is about time, to teach her these things, or your Husband can. My late Dad, taught me these things. I got real street smart with the stuff my Dad taught me... in order to protect me, his daughter. I was even being stalked... twice, by 2 different guys. I told my Dad. A girl, has got to know... and be taught, these things. Too.

If his family and the church feel his maturity level places him with the 7th and 8th graders, then he should be dealt with as you would an overly amourous 7th or 8th grader. Your daughter handled it perfectly, but now you and she should go to the youth pastor, pastor and/or his family and simply mention that the comments were a bit over-the-top, gently rebuffed and you'd like their help, seeing that he's technically an adult, to speak with him about it not being appropriate.
No judgements, just asking for their help to help him understand boundaries.
Good luck!

He should not be in groups made for middle schoolers. Putting him in a group with children is inappropriate. That's like putting a 20 year old with the brain of a kindergartener in an elementary school with 6 year old kindergarteners. Speak to his legal guardians, if he has any, or the pastor. Are there any groups for adults or adults with disabilities he can join? He needs to be supervised, both offline and online to make sure he isn't behaving inappropriately and to provide reinforcement on appropriate behaviors so he can learn social boundaries and appropriate interactions.
Source(s):
I'm mildly autistic

I would speak to the youth group leader and the pastor together, privately and immediately, and if they do not see the issue here, and if they insist this man must be made welcome in that particular youth group/class -- well, I would either take it beyond them to the church board (if there is such a thing in your church) or I would with great sadness worship elsewhere.

The only other thing I can think of is to enlist the help of other parents of girls in your daughter's age group. If several of you, and not just you alone, go to the class teacher, pastor or board about this, it may have more effect. Go in a loving and Christian spirit, noting that this man has as much right as anyone to be in a church family, but also noting that for his own protection as well as the children's protection, the church and teacher have to treat him as the adult he physically is and give him a more appropriate role than one in a youth group.

It's surprising that someone in authority in the church does not already realize the potential for the many problems here (as others note in so many ways, so I won't go into it here) as well as the potential for the church itself to be held liable if something awful happens on church property. Unfortunately, the church may only respond to this issue if you bring up that very aspect -- legal liability falling on the church if this man crosses boundaries while on their property. And to me, some moral liability falls on the church if anything happens anywhere else with a child he met through church.

"He'd never do that, he's an innocent, basically a child mentally, and we need to be kind," is what they may say, but they need to be educated by someone like Gamma G. below -- someone with real-life experience, who knows that at 30 years old, this is a grown man with a grown man's sexual needs and interests -- but possibly without the social abilities and "brakes" to know what is appropriate.

You may be told that you're prejudiced or that you're assuming he's a bad person, etc. You need to either get the people in charge educated about what is appropriate for a grown man in his situation (and it's not being with middle schoolers), or you need to move your family. Sad all around.

Please post again and update us on what happens if you decide to speak up about this situation. I would really like to know what happens here.

I think adults can be blocked from contacting your teen and honest I wouldn't let adults contact my teen. I agree he should be placed with adults not the teens even if he's developmentally delayed.

Without letting sooo many gossips at a church get the info on it, I would talk with maybe someone in charge of the teen program. If he isn't placed in the adult one then, sorry I'd take my family somewhere else to worship. It's obvious the person running the teen program and the church itself didn't have something in place, I'm willing to bet they are flying by the set of their pants taking advise from the man's parents (who don't see him as a sexual person) they see him as their boy who didn't grow up and I'm willing to bet they treat hi that way too. Not saying it's bad it's just how it works in some families, not willing to see another view (him being a sexual adult body with a child mind).

Tell your youth director or your pastor. They need to know these things. They can decide to reshuffle things and talk to the parents. Yes, special needs kids and people need to be taught boundaries, too. He really doesn't need to be on Facebook without supervision if he is going to misuse it like that.

I would talk to the coordinator/leader about this and the fact that he is friends with the kids on FB. It is inappropriate for teachers and students to interact outside of school/church. Your daughter should unfriend him and any other instructor on her friends list. Boundaries!

Your daughter can adjust her settings so that he cannot write anything on her wall.

The problem is truly his and his parents. It's sad, but developmentally, a middle school youth group would be the ideal place for him to socialize. However, as evidenced by your post and his actions, it isn't the RIGHT place, and could be dangerous.

There are groups available for him to be with other developmentally delayed adults, which would be more appropriate. You need to let his parents know what happened, no holds barred, and do a bit of research first so you can suggest alternate placement for social functions. I don't live in a large town, but there's a group called "The Bridge" where adults like this get together, socialize, play pool, play games, etc.

If you aren't aware of what your community offers, you can contact the city hall or the local library to inquire.

Lastly, if this doesn't change, it's time to remove yourself from the situation. Very, very dangerous when a 30 year old man is expressing his love to your 13 year old daughter.

Be protective of your daughter & other females as you would with any other males.I have no experience but this is all my advice

Well, do you know his parents? Talk to them. Talk to the teacher. Your daughter already knows that it's not cool, it's time to talk to someone who can talk to the man.

I would speak to his family or caregivers. There was a man with autism at my old job who would fixate on babies. He meant well, but he would ask things like if DD would bite and would repeat things he was obviously told, like how it's not good to feed babies things things without permission.

I would start by simply stating (to the youth leader and/or to his parents) that she was uncomfortable and you would like someone to speak to him about boundaries. Your daughter deserves to be comfortable in her church program, too.

Talk with the youth pastor at church. When I was in my 20's I attended a church in which a young man who sounded to be similar to the one you're describing also attended and he took an interest in me. The Youth pastor dealt with it. I don't remember now what happened but he took care of the situation.

Because he participates in the youth group that leader also needs to know about this.

I'm not concerned that this is sexual. It may be that he's saying this in response to sexual urges but it's not necessarily so. That is why I'm suggesting that someone talk with him to find out what he's thinking and to help him learn how to relate with other people. He may just be saying he loves her like any younger child would do. So much depends on his motivation.

I had a cousin who had the mind of a toddler. She was in an adult body but she thought like a toddler. She didn't act on sexual urges. This man/boy may not have had sex on his mind at all. Please investigate before you make assumptions.

You are aware, keep an eye on it. Your daughter seems mature and well informed of what could happen....
Many of my tenants are developmentally challenged, you don't have to be afraid but you do have to be aware and alert.

I would speak w/his parents and ask them to address this w/him and maybe block him from your dd fb. Good luck!

I would politely bring it up to his parents and just let them know it made your daughter uncomfortable. They may offer an explination or they may not know that this is even going on. His "body" age doesn't mean much but if he is in the 7and 8th grade clas they must feel he is mentally about the same age as them so he is "13 to 15" mentally he could have feelings and even sexual feelings that may need to be addressed just like you would if he was the same age mind and body. If it makes you and your daughter uncomfortable you need to speak to his parents and if you feel uncomfortable about that maybe the Pastor who could go with you and help you talk to the parents. Make the effort because you could be saving a lot of people problems.