Admitting to My Son.

hows he going to find out. and if he does just tell him I loved you too much to do that and couldn' t live without him. Tell him you are glad you kept him because he is too special to adopt. He will understand when he is older if he ever finds out which is probably not.

Don't tell him, nothing good would come out of it. It's not something that he needs to know and how would he find out? If he did you just tell him it was something you considered, but loved him so much you didn't do it.

I think the only one who can really answer this question is you. It doesn't really matter if you almost placed him or not. You love him and you chose to raise him. Adoption is all about love too. You did what was best and if you choose to tell him or he finds out you can tell him it was with love that you considered it. I have a cousin who was almost placed for adoption and I don't think she was ever told, and there was really no reason to tell her. Adoption is a beautiful thing when it is the right thing for the child and the parents. You chose to parent and that is beautiful and right for you. I really wouldn't worry about it though. You will do what is best.

My opinion as a mother of 4 two teenagers and two younger kids.
What would you gain by telling him now? Especially if you know it would damage your relationship and give him reason to think what if? Especially during the times when you are not best friends and having struggles between mother and child as he is growing up. I would probably tell him later when he is older and more mature and ready to know about some of your life’s experiences. I myself would also spin it as a success storey. For one you did not chose an abortion which is enough! but also how proud and lucky you are that you decided to keep him because you would have missed out knowing a great kid. AND I would use it as a learning moment when he is a teenager thinking about having sex himself. Even though it has been wonderful and you would never change your mind if you had a re-do, it has not always been easy for either of you, and you would hope he would make different choices when he is a young adult faced with choices and options that will last a life time.

there is nothing to tell, but good news: you love him too much to ever be separated from him - no matter the circumstances. I'd feel quite good about that if I were your son.

I was a teacher, right out of college, at an alternative Christian high school. One of my students was eighteen with an eighteen month old when she found out she was pregnant again by a man she didn't know very well. With the support of her daughters father and the new guy and her sister, she had scheduled an abortion. Long story short she didn't go through with it.
A few weeks later she found out that she was pregnant with twins and was devastated. She then looked into adoption and talked to several people about the process and another mom who had placed her child. She ended up keeping her boys. I was there for the birth and very involved with the all four of them.
Jump ahead. That former student has now been married to my brother for ten years. The twins are now eighteen and in their freshman year of college, and her daughter is a junior in college, just turned twenty one and engaged to be married. They have all always known their mom's story. They know that she loves them very much and that she wanted to do the right thing.
This is you story... You loved your son and wanted to do the right thing. What you initially thought was right was not right for you. It was not a wrong thing, or a bad thing.
Finally..I am an adoptive mom. My oldest son sometimes will comment that his circumstances are probably different than if his first mom had decided to raise him. The last time we saw her he was four months old, but I cannot tell you the love and admiration I have for her and the choice she made. I will always be grateful that she chose to share her son.
I too had a mom change her mind after her baby had been with us from the day he was born till he was a little over four months old. Although it was heartbreaking to lose him, I knew that it was her right to change her mind and never wanted to keep her from what she had graciously shared with me, even for a short time.

I would say stop beating yourself up so soon. Save it for a time when he is going through something difficult. Maybe if (heaven forbid) he gets some girl pregnant and needs guidance. OR how about this one: keep it to yourself. How much of your mothers life are you truly aware of before you came into it? It's inconsequential at this point as long as his donor (father) doesn't show up and say anything. We all have our secrets and honestly my kids don't need to know everything. Good luck :)

I am not sure why this would be so traumatic. If you are raising your son and you love him. Maybe when he is older and can actually understand the concept of adoption why not tell him you were young and thought about doing it as it was what you thought would be best. Adoption is not a punishment. It is not a horrible thing. Many families are complete only becauase someone loved and cared about a child enough to give them up. Many children would have a much better life if the biological parent were not so selfish as to keep a child for appearances sake. If the only reason you were giving the baby up was to shut someone up. Then good for you keeping him. But if you only kept him to say "look at me I am a martyr and am killing myself to keep him" then shame on you. You sound like you love your son. And thats a wonderful thing. But to many young people get pregnant without meaning to and babies are raised without the love and care they need. Sorry getting off my soapbox now. A very good friend of mine has been thru your scenario twice. in the delivery room and went home with no baby. it is killing her.

if you ultimately opted to keep him, why on earth would it be important that you had a consideration? He doesn't care what was going through your mind while you were pregnant. All that matters is the NOW, and the time on EARTH he has with you.

If other people who have contact with your son know about the adoption process that was stopped, wait till your son is old enough to understand, then tell him the truth. Tell him you were young, scared and didn't know what to do. Most of all remember, you chose to keep him after all
because you simply could not give him up.

You are still very young & have a lot of growing to do. You don't have to figure it out right now, take your time. Your little guy must be very young right now & if he's still an infant you can hold him & practice telling him, it might feel good to get it off your chest before he can comprehend what you are saying.

Don't beat yourself up over this. Your consideration for adoption just proves that you are a loving person trying to do what is right for your son because you love him, & whatever decision you would have made, you would have done it because that was what you felt in your heart was the right thing to do. Best wishes

I wouldn't say anything about it. You obviously love him and that is all he needs to know.

I see no obligation to have to tell him... you did not adopt him out.
The back-story to it all and your Ex's conflicts about it... would only hurt your son, to me. If later your son find's out... it will maybe devastate him.
I certainly hope... your Ex does not tell him... because there can be no "happy" feelings about it, for your son. He will feel unwanted and a bad memory for you, his Dad/your Ex.

Yes, your son could find out on his own... how many people know about it?
I would think, that no one would want to "hurt" him... when he is old enough to understand. That is why, your Ex has to REALLY think about the impact of it upon a mere child.
Do you have continued contact with your Ex? Is your son's Dad a part of his life? Does he have any custody over him? Do you have full custody? Do you all live in the same State/city?

If you have full custody... then you have rights over him.

I just think, that it would hurt a child's feelings and his sense of how he came into this world. YOU are his Mom.... and you have him. I am sure you never regretted keeping him. Give him lots of love... I would think a child finding out about all the problems he "caused" about adopting him or not... will impact him negatively.
Children... often blame themselves.... or have anger about it. Resentment.

All the best,
Susan

From your profile, your son is very little. I think you have a lot of time to consider your options here. You DIDN'T give him away, so when the correct time comes (if it ever does) he will know that you loved him and wanted him too much to follow through.
I can't think of too many scenarios where he would find out "by accident" and if it were me, I don't think I would offer the situation.
The day may come when he starts asking abut his father, and when he is old enough you can tell him that his father wasn't ready to be a dad yet when he was born....if it applies to your situation. Not trying to be presumptuous.

I wouldn't tell him. We don't need to tell our children everything. My husband was also scheduled for adoption as a baby, but then his 17 year old mom decided to keep him. He thinks a lot about what his life would have been like, how it would have been better (a guarantee). What good did this do him? His heart just aches for what might have been. Instead of just for what is. It's a distraction and it gets in the way of his relationship with his mom, and his relationship with our kids.

You are young, you are confused, you are influenced by other people yelling at you - but in spite of all that, you still decided to keep him. There was a part of you that knew better, and that is what matters. Some day, when he is old enough to understand, you may (or may not) tell him what you went through, and how you had to let your own heart guide you to make your decision, and that is what you must teach him, too. Even when you can't see the answer, you must follow your heart, and that is the moral of the story. So, if you do tell him, don't focus on your confusion, focus on the fact that you made the right decision by listening to your heart...

I'm all about the honesty and I think that when he gets to be old enough to be able to understand more (like 7-10ish) that it would be good to tell him about your experience as a young unwed mother-to-be and how hard a decision you tried to make, but that in the end, you couldn't go through with it because...reinforcing that he was so special, loved him so much, willing to go through the struggles of a single mom etc.
If he did 'find out' some other way somehow, it could be devastating and more likely when he is older and he may assumptions about your choices and may not confront you, or confront you in a non-productive way.
Good luck.
K.

In a situation like this, I would ask myself "What good would it do?" There are always what-if's (what if his dad mentions it, what if he nobody mentions it and you bring it up, etc.) Not to be harsh, but would you ever tell him that he was almost aborted? You were at the clinic and in the room and changed our mind? What good would that do? It might be a hurdle worth waiting for or maybe his personality/maturity is one of knowing ahead of time would be better.

I have a friend that was in the exact situation as you. (She did have an abortion prior to this pregnancy and she said she thought it would be easier to give up a baby than to abort again. In the end, abortion was easier for her b/c it was done so early, so she never felt the baby move or had a delivery, etc.) Her daughter is now 9 and she doesn't know. Her and her ex both agreed to never tell her and they threw out the photo's of the couple they picked out that were there for her birth.

Now that your son is here, is your ex behaving more appropiately? Would he agree not to mention it to him?

If you do decide to mention it, you might want to try and explain it to him that you loved him so much that you thought you couldn't provide properly for him, that you wanted to give him the best life possible.

If it were me, I don't think I would mention it. I would take the risk of him not finding out b/c there is also the chance he never would. Also, if you wait, he will be older and if he does find out, might be able to comprehend the situation and understand it better.

I wish you luck in your journey and in your decision on what you think is best for your family.

One of the hardest things in life is being a parent!

I would take your response from Tara one step further - "What good would it do for your son?" Often, we are honest about things in our life for purely selfish reasons. Somehow it is cathartic for us, but we don't consider that sometimes it is the best thing for others not to share. If you do choose to share this information with him, do it much, much later. This is not the same thing as telling a child that you have adopted that they were adopted. This is irrelevant to his little life. By much later, I would wait until he is an adult and it is appropriate to share your own struggles with your children. Until then, do not expect your children to deal with adult problems or emotions. They're just not equipped to deal with it. They don't understand it and they tend to process the information in ways that our adult brains don't grasp.

Just a thought to consider.... how would he find out on his own? If it's nearly impossible to figure that out on his own then why even go there?

Be honest. The truth is, when you didn't know him yet you thought that you would not be the best parent for him so you found some parents you thought could take better care of him. But once he was born and you saw it was HIM you knew that you could be strong enough to be a good mommy because you felt so much love for him. You are so glad you kept him and you will ALWAYS be his mommy and take care of him.

Even a toddler will understand this..

Don't tell him, why would you? The fact is that your decision was in the past and you changed your mind, you obviously made the decision to be a mom and have given him lots of love and nourishing. Its not like you adopted him and haven't told him yet, (a whole different story). Your are his biological mother - just continue to give him love don't break his heart by telling him - he doesn't need to know.

I was a 23 yo mom and the same thing happened to me! My daughter was with her adoptive parents for 8 hours and I asked for her back. Fortunately, I never got to the point of signing papers. They came into my home with my daughter in their arms and basically scolded me for the decision I was making and said that I was not able to provide a good home/life for my daughter. She is now 12 yo and has a loving step-father and a 7 yo brother, plays violin and attends kung fu classes.

I told her when she was 8 yo because I felt it was better coming from me than someone else. She took it pretty well, asked alot of questions over the next couple years, and has not thrown it in my face yet. Even as a emotional pre-teen girl!

Happy you decided not to give him up. Mostly because giving up a child because of a boyfriend is not the right reason. Clearly once this baby was born your motherly instinct was there and hey he is right where he should be and a terrrific mom his has.

I do not think now is the time to decide weather you should tell him or not. I think once he is old enough to understand you will know then weather or not to tell him. If not I just would not worry about it till later in life and just enjoy your bundle of joy. Does he really need to know about something that did not happen. Personanlly I do not think I would tell him yet if the conversation somehow came up I would not lie about it either. If at that point it is bothering you not telling him them it is best to get it off your chest and tlalk to him about it. Sure he will have mixed feeling about it but keep the conversation open to him at all times if he ever has questions. He anger wil be mostly toward the dad.

i think it'd only come up if down the line it was relivant for him in a learning experience (like teenager sex talk) about how you think one thing is the right thing but your heart changes and explodes after birth and you loved him way too much to ever to that.
(I know that you can love a child so much and place then as well but you get my point)

I wouldn't tell him. It's in the past, you didn't do it, it doesn't matter now. It would be like telling him that you almost decided to go sky diving once. It doesn't really make sense. If he does find out one day, then maybe that will hurt, but just reassure him that you didn't do it, and there's no reason to think about it anymore.

One time my dad told me how when he found out my mom was pregnant with me he was really upset and angry. It really hurt my feelings. We get along now, and I know he does love me and doesn't feel that way, but knowing that has put a lot of weight and pain on me. It's hard to deal with that and hard to get over it. I think telling your son will perhaps make him feel like you wish that you had put him up for adoption. And I'm only saying that because when my dad told me, the only thing I could figure was that he was still angry. If you are still worried about it, maybe try and come to terms with it yourself. How do you feel? I don't doubt being a single mother is hard. But I think that if you are 100% glad that you still have him, then it won't matter to you either. I don't mean to tell you how to feel or what to do, but I know that there are choices I almost made, and it can be hard to come to terms with the decisions I made, even though I feel they were the right ones. As I've come to accept them and be ok with them, I've been able to let go of them and they don't worry me anymore, and the weight of them is gone. I hope this makes sense.
I'm sorry if it's been hard. I wish you the very best!!! :)

Secrets have a scary way of hurting people, even if the intention is good to keep it silent. I say tell him... but maybe not now. Only you can decide when is the right time and what are the right words. Bits and pieces are okay for now, until you feel confident about talking through it (i.e. "Life comes with hard choices" and "I know now that I need you" or other statements like that). The rest of the conversation will come easier once you know you sowed these seeds. Seems like this issue is weighing heavily on you; if so, your son already knows something is up. I believe that our kids know more than we realize.

I agree with a previous poster about "practicing" if he is an infant now. I did this with my son regarding the adoption process, and it helped my confidence and finding the right words. He's 3 now and asking lots of questions! You never really know what the little ones understand! I'm surprised each time the adoption topic comes up in our home. I think it's better to be safe than sorry, so keep it real with him.

There's a great book that talks about the damage that secrets can do to a family. Telling the Truth to Your Adopted or Foster Child (or something like that)... much of the book will not be useful as you did not place him, but at least 2 chapters talk about how kids process secrets and adoption loss at different developmental stages. Keeping secrets directly correlates to the child's self-esteem. If your child is older (6 or older), he may benefit greatly from your opinion that he is to be trusted with this sensitive information. He may realize that will never let him go - very powerful.

Best wishes!!!