Would This Change Your Mind?

I would admire that person for making such a difficult, responsible, loving decision that was no doubt in the best interest of all involved.

If it DID change how I viewed them, it would probably be for the better. The ability to put the child's needs before their own desires, or to at least recognize that he/she may not be able to provide for the child in the best way possible shows an incredible presence of mind that many people don't have or use.

No. I believe that giving a child up for adoption is a very, very hard choice to make but can also be an incredibly wonderful gift to the new parents-- who so want a child, and to the child, who deserves to be wanted and loved by parents who can care for them.

"Remember to be polite in responses! :) We never know who will be reading this, and of course we wouldn't want to upset any of the lovely ladies (or men) on here."

I suddenly feel like I need to ask you permission to go to the bathroom. :(

I am adopted and I don't get your question. I keep scratching my head trying to figure out why it would matter to anyone, it sure doesn't matter to me.

It is just like any other hard choice you have to make that you hope is the best for your child.

I certainly would never judge anyone for giving a child up for adoption.

My aunt was adopted during World War II, I don't know the circumstances, but she is the glue that holds our family together and she is revered by her brothers.

We know that she is adopted, but it is never mentioned. She is loved, she is ours. She is where she was meant to be and we have been so blessed by her.

My ex-husband was adopted. I don't know that he even knows that. Family members confided in me. I've never mentioned it to him because it's not my place. I don't know why it has to be so secretive because I see no shame in it.

There are lots of people who really want kids and can't have them. If someone makes the choice to give their child a better life, I find that very unselfish, loving, and giving.

Just my opinion.

Added after your SWH - I am glad that some on here told you that your hypothetical question here has hurt their feelings. You regard some answers as "snarky", but the truth is that there is NOTHING humorous about this hypothetical. There is nothing "amusing" about having to, or choosing to give up a baby.

Original:
As opposed to what? Keeping a baby they can't afford? Keeping a baby they are too sick to take care of? Having an abortion?

My real question is why does someone else (me or you, for example) have the right to judge? Why would one reason be better than another?

Giving up a baby for adoption is one of the hardest things a person can do. I'm not sure why anyone thinks they have the right to judge someone for it, and that's really what you are talking about when you ask if it would bother or upset people.

You say you don't want to upset anyone on here, but just asking the question could do that.

Dawn

No. It would not change my mind about them. Why should it? They didn't feel they were capable of raising the child or whatever the circumstances were - they gave the child up for adoption to - I would hope - a loving home.

I do have a friend that gave up a child for adoption.
Doesn't change a thing.

I am an adoptive mom, and for some reason your question does upset me. I never think of adoption in negatives, obviously. I think birth moms are strong, selfless women who are to be admired, loved and supported. I don't get why knowing someone who made an adoption plan for their child would be bothersome or upsetting to anybody. I just plain don't get it.

Well, they certainly made some other family very very very happy, at one time. Still do, always will, perhaps.

My sister gave up a child, and my mother gave up a child. My much younger brother who is younger then some of my own kids.

No i would not judge, it's the greatest gift someone can give another set of parents who can't conceive on their own.

First, in answer to your question- I think I would have more respect and I would think of that person as incredibly brave and self less. I was adopted and have met my birth mother. What she did for me was the hardest thing she ever did in her life and it was done solely for me. She wanted to raise me but she couldn't give me what she wanted me to have so went against everything that she wanted and gave me up. It broke her heart and she never fully recovered from it (still to this day). So I have enormous respect and awe for birth parents.

Second, I 'get' your question. While it's becoming more accepted there is a lot of negativity with some people concerning adoption. Mostly for the birth parent. I've heard people describe my birth mother as selfish for not taking on the responsibility of raising. One of the dumbest things I have ever heard but attitudes like that are out there. Some cultures have issues with adoption because in the culture they raise 'their own'. I'm happy that it sounds like the people on here who have spoke about being one of the parts of the adoption triangle haven't ran into negativity about adoption but it is out there. I've experienced it- being told I wasn't wanted and that's why I was 'given away'; my birth mother experienced it- being thought of as selfish or lazy or irresponsible; and my mom experienced it- she's felt less then a woman for not producing biological children. It's sad that people think that way but some do. To me adoption is a gift for all involved.
For those who don't think this kind of negativity surrounding adoption exists, watch the Oxygen show "I'm Having Their Baby". It follows birth parents as they prepare to give birth and adopt out their child. Pretty much every episode at least one of the girls gets negativity for choosing adoption- surprisingly most of the time it's from their own parent. Be forewarned though- it's a heartbreaking show, watching the anguish of the birth parent(s) and sometimes family and while the adoptive parents are overjoyed you can see their heart just hurting for the birth parent.
Lastly- thank you to all of the birth parents on here for your courage and selflessness. I think adoptive parents and adoptees are amazing too but I thank God all the time that my birth parents loved me enough to allow me to have my mom.

I can easily say 'Nope!' ... Because this has happened, and that's how I reacted. As in, changed things not an iota.

I am pretty sure you didn't just say "remember to be polite in responses!"

Ahem, anyway, ok, I'm over that now.

I am not sure what you mean by this question.

One of my (many) sisters gave a baby up for adoption at age 20. The father was physically abusive. There was no way she could raise that child. That was 27 years ago.

You mean like, you think giving a baby up for adoption is a BAD thing?

Weird.

:)

EDIT: The family members that pressure the moms to keep the child "in the family" are thinking of the ties of flesh and blood and not what is good for the child. Most of the time, the mom is not in a position to provide for the child when this happens and the child suffers. I have observed several incidents first hand. Sometimes the mom wishes she were stronger and followed through on the giving up or adoption plan.

ORIGINAL: No, I would probably commend her on her ability to be selfless and give the child a chance to be a productive citizen.

Sometimes the moms are pressured or were pressured into giving up the child but that does not mean the mom is a bad person. She knows in her heart that she did the right thing and nobody should judge her or feel ill will towards her. If they do, let the bible phrase of casting stones take care of that.

My son is adopted and my daughter is biological. We (hubby and I) went to the adoption agency to find out what it would take to become an adoptive parent. We figured it would be three years before we would get a child as there were not available at the time we did our paperwork. Well that changed as we progressed and we brought out son home six weeks after he was born. That child thanked me for all that I had done for him on his wedding day and gave me a huge bear hug.

The only way I might change my mind on someone is if they knew they could not care for the child and kept the child and abused it.

I will get off my soapbox now.

The other S.

I have family members who gave up kids for adoption.
It was the best thing they've ever done.
They are totally not fit to be parents and at least they recognized raising kids was something they just could not manage.
The kids are fine while the birth parents continue to live messed up lives.
At least they didn't drag the kids through it with them.

nope.
i'd be in awe of them for doing such a selfless thing.
but i certainly wouldn't judge them pejoratively for doing so.
khairete
S.

On of my life long friend's is adopted
My son's father is adopted
My girlfriend adopted a daughter last year
My guy friend adopted a family of 4 siblings 15 years ago
I think adoption rocks
I think it takes enormous courage to "give" a child up for adoption
Just as it takes enormous courage to adopt a child.

I know someone who did it. I really admired her. I am not sure I could be that unselfish!

I haven't read many of the responses (just Sherri G.'s) I would admire them as this HAS to be one of the hardest and bravest things to do. It doesn't seem to be a choice that is supported very much though.

This has happened in my life. No it does not upset me. I only feel sad that this friend did not feel comfortable in confiding in me. I think she did a beautiful thing and it is truly a selfless act.
She had a baby, out of wedlock, our senior year of HS. (she kept that child) I came home from college my freshman year and knew she was expecting again. Although I asked her about it she completely denied the pregnancy. About 4 years ago, I found out her ex-boyfriend is looking for the son they gave up. (He is 18yo now) I see this friend regularly and she has never confided in me. I wish I could have helped her through this experience but she chose not to tell me and I respect that.

I would have greatly renewed respect for them. Knowing that you cannot (for whatever reason) provide the best home for a child and giving that child to people who can is one of the most selfless acts I can imagine. I have so much less respect for people who choose to keep a child when the circumstances are clearly less than ideal.

It would not change how I felt about them and it would not bother or upset me. I would, however, have a new respect for them and realize how strong of a person they truly are.

Frankly, I would admire them! It takes a GREAT deal of courage to give a child up for adoption..... the desire to want what truly is best for the child.

One of my good friends from high school gave up a child for adoption...... she did a very courageous thing to do that, knowing that she wasn't in a very good place in her life to try to raise a child by herself.

She later got married and had 2 more children, but I know she still thinks of her first child.

My SIL adopted 2 boys... due to chronic health conditions, she advised to not get pregnant...... if someone hadn't had the courage to give up their child, she would not have her children.

It's not hypothetical for me. I know someone who I found out later on had placed a baby for adoption. My heart bled for her when I found out. It explained a lot. It was the hardest thing she had ever done, and maybe still is. It affected her deeply. She loved her baby and it broke her heart to let her go. But she did it BECAUSE she loved her baby.

The adoptive parents sent photos to her over the years, and kept her informed. And when their daughter was ready, they shared my friend's information with her, and they talked, and met in person. A beautiful relationship has bloomed.

I admire her.

There does seem to be, with this current young adult generation, some sort of "judgment" about adoption. I find it repulsive (the judgment, NOT the adoption!), because the same generation seems to have no qualms about abortion. And there is NO stigma to being a single parent (from birth, not after divorce) anymore. There is more "backlash" if someone considers adoption.

If my partner of husband kept this information from me, I might be a little upset.

Also, if one of my children did it without me knowing I would be upset.

As far as one of my friends, no, I wouldnt mind at all.

I would admire a person who would put their child up for adoption because they did NOT want to be a parent, I would feel sad for a parent who felt they had not choice because they could not provide for the child they are carrying, but wanted to be a parent. I think adoption is a selfless decision, each child deserves to be loved, and deserves to have every opportunity in life to succeed, So if the bio parent can't provide that for them then adoption to me is the best choice, and a personal choice.

It would not change my opinion of them in a negative way at all but rather let me see them for the selfless and giving person that they are. It takes a strong person to be able to give up a child for adoption and to recognize that adoption is the right course of action to take. This could never bother me. I would of course ask questions regarding it if they were open to sharing the experience but at the same time there would be on my part no negative feelings toward them whatsoever.

Why would it? They had their reasons and their reasons are theirs and theirs alone.

It would make me admire them even more. Giving up a child has got to be the most selfless act I can fathom. I can not even imagine how hard that would have to be.

Oh gosh no! I can't imagine that changing my opinion of someone, except to mabey respect them more for making, what would most likely be, a difficult choice.

There was a question on mamapedia a few months ago that really broke my heart. Someone found out a friend had given a child up for adoption and the person was really upset and felt she didn't "know" those people any more. Prior to that question, I would never have thought such a thing would be an issue.

Think of this from the viewpoint of an adopted child. It is better to describe the process as "made a adoption plan", "planned to have the child raised by an adoptive family". "given up" describes a child abandoned on a street. When a birth parent carefully signs all the paper work and dots all the i's and crosses all the t's and does everything he/she can to ensure the child will go to a good home, it is not giving up, it is thoughtfully planning. My child's birth mom went thru a lot to make sure he did not end up in an orphanage, that he came to us to be raised, she had to take off work, take long bus rides, talk to social workers, talk to the judge, take a DNA test hold the baby for a picture, sign a ton of paper work, she couldnt just go back to her old life and pretend it didnt happen. She made a plan and followed thru on it.
To answer your question, yes it would change my feelings about that person! I would respect him/her more. I feel strongly that a birth parent who didnt go the abortion route, didnt keep a child out of selfishness is a better person than I am.

I know people who have given up their children. My husband has adopted our son. It wouldn't change my opinion of a person at all.
There must have been a reason, a damn good one, that someone has decided to give their child up for adoption. Who am I to judge?
L.

Hmm. Would it change how I viewed them? Possibly. But that DOES NOT mean it's a negative change. It could be a further understanding. It could be a little sympathy. It could be.....ANYTHING.
I will say that after I was 18, I found out my mom's cousin was forced to give her 1st daughter up for adoption. It was the 50s, she was an unwed teen, and mom said she begged and cried but her parents made her give the child up. It didn't make me feel anything different towards her at all except a little understanding on why she wasn't very close to her mom and why she doted on the daughter she has now.
I have a cousin who was trying and trying for a baby. They went through everything, but fact is they can't have a baby. But the family is really close and his sister in law had already had 3 happy and healthy children....and offered to be a surrogate. They implanted fertilized eggs and she carried the baby for her family, and gave the baby up for adoption as arranged. Did that make me change how I feel about her? Yeah. I felt nothing at all towards her because I don't know her, and after hearing about this, I was very impressed and admired how close the family was....and what a special, beautiful gift she gave.
I don't view adoption as a bad thing, but a wonderful thing. It would not make me change my mind about being someone's friend. No.

If I found out a friend had given a baby up for adoption, my heart would ache for her. I don't think that would ever be decided cavalierly, but Only with great thought and selflessness. I would realize it was likely a tough, heart wrenching decision.
I wouldn't judge them harshly--I wouldn't judge them at all.
We have friends and neighbors who have adopted. Adoption has been the answer to prayers for a child. I don't look at those kids any differently that I see any other kids.
I'm old enough to know a few people who gave had to use living wills for their parents, and someone with a predetermined time to "unplug" her moms life support and be there with her when she died.
I know enough people with crappy families to know that "real" family consists of who you choose to comprise it. Isn't that the same with adoption?

Totally admire. They knew that at the time they couldn't handle it and wanted to give a couple that could and wanted to the opportunity.

I would have the upmost respect for someone who understood that they were not ready to care for the child. I can't imagine the anguish someone goes through making that decision but no I would not think less of anyone who made that decision.

well this is based purely on my own opinions about adoption/abortion etc (which probably everyone's is) - i would be sad for them, but also realize that it was probably very difficult for them, and, honestly, i'd agree that it was probably the kindest thing they could have done for that child, if they felt so strongly that they couldn't provide for it. what i would or would not have done is not part of the equation.

and yes, in that it would deepen my understanding of their experience and life before i knew them, my thoughts of them would change. for the better. i don't see how anyone could say 'NO it wouldn't change my opinion of them AT ALL!" well learning that my bff hates italian food doesn't LOWER my opinion of her - but it does change things. i suggest mexican instead. i don't CARE- in that i hold it against her - it just changes how i think of her. suggesting i'm a bad person because learning a HUGE fact about someone would change my thoughts about them is delusional. of COURSE it does. it sure wasn't a "non issue" to them - it was probably the most heart shattering, earth shaking decision they ever made. it has shaped a big part of who they are, i'm sure. so yes, it matters. because it sure as hell mattered to them.

sometimes i feel like people just enjoy the fight on here and jump at any opportunity.

I don't think it would change my opinion but, if it did, it would likely be for the better. I think putting a child up for adoption is a very hard decision to make and a very brave choice. To carry a baby for 9 months and then not keep it can't be an easy thing to go through. I think it's wonderful that parents are willing to do that and give their child to another family to raise, often one who desperately wants and cannot have children of their own.

I don't think it would bother me. I would think they are a stronger person than I am.

If it was done before I knew that person, then I would have to assume that there were circumstances of which I was also unaware. I do not take it upon myself to judge this in any way. Even if I start in on how I think I would have handled it, there is no way for me to have been in that person's skin in that particular moment to determine whether this was the right move. How dare I even presume such a stance?

That said, this would definitely add a different dimension to that person in my mind. I'd probably even be more compassionate because--based on my knowledge of the person--I would assume that this event has not been forgotten or thought of lightly. I can't imagine having to face this decision in my own life and would not want someone else making a judgment, so I would refrain from doing the same.

ETA: Oops...didn't answer your question. Yes, it would change my mind. As I stated earlier, it would add a different dimension to that person in my mind. That's a change. I would view that person differently, just as if I were learning that this person lost a parent as a child or overcame an addiction or was feeling insecure in his/her marriage. As we get to know people, layers get peeled away. I would consider this yet another layer and think of myself as a privileged confidante.

No. As long as someone is nice to me, and am nice to them. Their past is not my business and has no bearing on what type of person they are. I think I'd actually admire for them to taking the hard road.

Times have changed. having a baby out of wedlock was considered very bad for the mother and her family. Really, really bad..

But thank goodness that has all changed.

When my husbands grandmother was dying, THAT is when we found out she had adopted her second son. at the time he was in his 50's. They could not get her to give ANY information, all she would do was cry. She made it so mysterious, it has just left a huge hole in his life.

They have guessed he was a child born out of wedlock to a family member or.. maybe one of the men in the family had an affair and this is the child. But who knows?

This Uncle said he "was glad to know he was not related to anyone in the family!" Of course, I have always wondered why this particular grandmother adopted him.. Long story..

Anyway, there is no shame, it is a heroic decision.

Of course this is going to be a sensitive topic! I personally, could not give a child up. However, if I were homeless I would- so circumstances change all the time that would make someone have to so something they did not want to do. Sometimes you have to give a child up for adoption to make sure the child is going to have the best life possible that you could not give them at the time.
If I knew that someone gave a child up for adoption I would want to hear their story and why they had to do it. And if they were in a situation now where they could actually raise the child and the child would be ok then would feel sorry for them. That is something that you go into knowing that circumstances could change soon so it is really hard. But it takes a lot and I have respect for someone that can do something so hard.

It would not bother me at all. I had a friend who put up her 2nd child for adoption which I found out years later because she fell off the earth. I heard her reasons and I still love her very much. I didn't walk in her shoes so I have no right to judge for any reason at all.

I actually meant to respond to this sooner but the weekend got away from me. I'm sorry for the responses you've received from other people. I wish we could all be adults but I guess that is harder for some people.

I have a co-worker who has given up a child and yes it bothers me.

Story time and this will explain it all:

About 3-4 years ago I had my first miscarriage and I took it hard. It was over a year before I was even ready to try again. My co-worker announced a few months after my first miscarriage that she was pregnant. I know a part of me should have been happy for her but I wasn't. I was spiteful and I didn't even realize how I was acting towards her until later when someone said something and I apologized. But I was spiteful because she wasn't trying it just happened and she was considering giving her daughter up because the father already had 3 or 4 other kids and told her he wasn't able to support her if she kept the child. So she had a family already picked out to adopt her child. When she gave birth to her daughter she changed her mind. I think she partly changed her mind because our boss at that time was so disgusted with the idea of her giving up her child that she partly kept her daughter for that reason.

About 2 years ago I had a second miscarriage and that following summer she got pregnant again. It was all hush hush, no one knew it at work. She's a bigger woman so she was able to hide it but there were a few suspicions, but in the end she didn't know she was pregnant until about a month before she was due. She did give that child up, but by the time I found out I was pregnant again (with a healthy baby boy). But it rubbed me the wrong way that she could get pregnant so easily and yet she didn't want her child. I didn't understand this since I tried for so long and all I wanted was to have a child.

So yes, I viewed her differently. I don't mean to judge, I really don't but this hit so close to home that I couldn't help myself.

I think she did the right thing. She's a single mother, working hourly for a non-profit and doesn't make a whole lot. She gets assistance but raising another child would be hard for her and she understands that. The woman who adopted her son let's her daughter come over and play with him. She wanted her adopted son to know that he has a sister and I think that's great.

I counseled birth parents, professionally, for 4 years. The grief that they experience is immense. There are no rituals, in the US, to mourn the loss of a birth child. Very, very sad. In my experience, the women and men who actually followed through with an adoption plan were more mature than the women and men who decided to raise their children. They knew that their child would be "better off" with an adoptive family. And, as someone else said, we don't say "give up" their child. It is much more significant than that.

Whenever I learn that someone has given a child up for adoption, rather than flush it down a sink, my respect for the mom goes way up, way, way, way up. It is the ultimate sacrifice.