A Thursday Rut...

You and Hubby need to get a sitter or relative to take care of the kids while the adults go have a fun weekend together.
Everybody needs a break once in awhile.

You seem to be stuck in this pattern of talking to people hoping someone will change your life. I think we all have been there, some more stuck than others, but we all have been stuck trying to figure out why we can't find happiness.

Those of us that aren't there anymore figured out that only we can change ourselves. Only you can figure out why you are down.

For me it was stubbornly staying in an abusive marriage. I married way too young and I wasn't going to admit I made a mistake like everyone said. Then I realized I was punishing myself, my kids, to not be wrong! How dumb is that?

People would point to my son and say well it is hard for a marriage to survive a child with autism. It is so hard, so stressful. No, it didn't survive because my ex has autism. He was never diagnosed, never learned to control his temper, never was going to be a good example for our son. He was also quite hard on my other kids who were actually helping with their brother. I am telling you this story because I don't want you looking at your son as the easy answer. It is probably wrong and not fair on him. Not saying it was easy raising my son but if my ex wasn't his father, if my husband was his father, we would still be married. So also not saying divorce your husband, okay?

Just saying you need to figure this out, we really can't help you. Clearly what I was stuck on is not the same as what you are stuck on. But you are stuck

I think there's more to the optimist (glass half full) vs. pessimist (glass half empty) metaphor. It's the "Engineer's viewpoint", which is that "the glass is twice as big as it needs to be." You need a smaller glass. Try not to make it so big that you can put everyone else's expectations and to-do list into it.

You don't get enough pleasure out of things because you want them to be better (your parenting, the kids' behavior, your sex life). You have great kids and a great husband, great job and home - but it's not enough because either you want more, or you think you SHOULD want/obtain more, or you think someone is judging you (which is why you "beat yourself up"). So whose standards are you imposing on your own life? Your dad's? Someone else's idea of being an extrovert and drinking wine?

Did you ever fly on an airplane? You know the safety speech that everyone ignores? The flight attendant tells each passenger to put the oxygen mask on herself first, and then assist those around her. They understand that you're no good to anyone if you aren't good to yourself.

You aren't taking care of yourself. You aren't cultivating rewarding friendships - you decide that you aren't any fun if you don't drink, you stay at home (where it's easy) rather than put time into relationships that would sustain you and stretch you, you worry about others' judgments (which is one reason you stew over every decision the kids make because you really worry about their parents' opinion of YOU), and you basically sweat out your image. You're more concerned with what others think of your life than with really living your life.

What if people cared a lot less than you think? What if they're really all wrapped up in their own lives more than you think, and way less invested in yours? What if there are terrific friends out there who are just waiting for someone like you, but they think you aren't interested because you are home?

You know all about "date night" for married couples. Well, I think you need a "me night" or a "me weekend" for yourself. When my son was little and I was struggling with finding myself as a new SAHM, I worked out 2 days a month for me. My husband took care of everything, and I didn't call in or pre-plan it or manage it from afar, nor did I criticize anything when I got home. I took 6-7 hours and did whatever the hell I wanted. Sometimes I went to a museum, sometimes I window shopped, sometimes I took myself to lunch in a restaurant whose cuisine didn't interest my husband (and I took a novel, magazine or puzzle book to occupy myself while I enjoyed a great lunch). Sometimes I saw friends. Sometimes I sat in a park or in a darkened movie theater with a sandwich I bought but didn't have to shop for, prepare or wash a dish after. I enjoyed 6 hours of no one asking me for juice or to supervise something or make something better.

I think you should do the same. I also got some counseling to find myself - I think you should do the same. One whole hour when you can talk about YOU, why your father's legacy is so strong, what you want (and that doesn't mean saying, "But I should be grateful and satisfied with what I have), and why you have obsessive thoughts swirling around that tell you that you aren't good enough.

The only way to get out of the rut is to make a change. The world will survive without you for 4-6 hours. The children will survive. The house can stay cluttered or someone else can clean it - the photographer from House Beautiful just isn't coming this week. I have 2 signs in my house - one is on the door that says "My house was clean last week; sorry you missed it." The other says, "Dull Women Have Immaculate Homes." Sometimes I need to be reminded of that. I learned to treat myself as well as I treat everyone else.

I don't want someone eulogizing me at my funeral saying, "She kept a great house" and "her kids made great decisions." I want them to say "She lived life, she respected herself as much as anyone else, and she slid into the grave saying, 'Woo-hoo, what a ride!'"

Try it. You'll appreciate everything else much more when you learn to appreciate (and find) the real you.

I think it would be a good idea for you to get a complete workup with your Dr. to rule out any medical issues you may have going on and address any type of depression, etc.

It is SO important to take care of yourself and carve time out for yourself as a mom and wife. You can't lose who you are in the midst of being mom and wife. Even if it is just a daily 15 minute walk, quiet time in your room, hot bath soak, manicure, etc. You don't have to spend a lot of money to create "me" time.

Another very important factor in my marriage was date night. We did date night EVERY WEEK. It was a priority in our relationship. My 27th anniversary would have been New Years Eve 2015. My husband died October, 2015 very suddenly and it was (and still is) shocking and I can't believe it is real. We had date night that week as well!!

You have a lot on your plate and I know sometimes you feel like you are drowning, we all do that at some point or another. I am the type person to see the glass 1/2 full, never give up and failure is not an option attitude.

Is there something you would love to do? Some sort of volunteer or giving back to your community where you had some "me" time but also got a feeling of fulfillment and satisfaction?

Best wishes to you on figuring things out. I hope you don't spend the rest of your life feeling this way because you CAN get out of the rut and your CAN feel better. Take care of YOU.

Are you maybe depressed? Sounds like you are definitely in a funk but if you feel like it's more than that there's no harm in talking to a counselor or psychiatrist about it. I understand preferring to be home and not go out and socialize but you want to be careful with that. It's good to get out, have a reason to do your hair and feel good about yourself. You don't need to go out to happy hour or a loud crowded place. Go bowling, breakfast, potluck at your house, etc...I guarantee you there are plenty of women out there that can relate to you and I think you'd find a lot of support and comfort from them. I just turned 40 and decided that I'm going to start living my life. Because I've always been super shy, a big chicken and a party pooper, I've decided to take a chance and do one thing every month that I've always wanted to do but has scared me. Sometimes we need to let go and go outside our comfort zone to find the beauty in life.

I used to be like that and have changed to a degree. Not all the time but I look at the positive much more than I used to. Part of it is I am lucky too. Healthy kids, good husband and financially very secure. But I've also learned what helps when I'm getting cranky. A funny tv show alone. A good book alone. I really recognize when I need that. I also am so thankful, knock wood, that we are not dealing with something like cancer. There is a fun book called the Happiness Project. Try it. It doesn't have answers. More a journey by a woman trying to discover what makes her happy. Her trial and error is interesting. It's very relatable. And in general, I think real self help books do help. Not necessarily long term but for a while. Then read it again. Or I read a book about what women in 3rd world countries deal with!! That's a good wake up call. It shows what the human spirit really can endure. Or read about Holocaust survivors. I think those of us who are lucky still need to be reminded of it. Help keep perspective. Not like one time perspective lasts for life. Keep seeking it. And I think Julie S gave good advice. Only you can figure out what will make you happy. I think really understanding that helps. Once I realized that, it's not as easy to make excuses or blame someone or something. You kind of start owning your life and happiness more. I started just making the decision to be happy. I read somewhere that's what it is and it works for me to just decide to be happy. Also remember that these years are a pretty small percentage of your life. Someday the kids will be grown. I think looking at my elderly parents and thinking how many years it's been since I left the house makes me realize these busy years with kids are really a blip or just a fraction of my life. Then what will I do?... :). Finally, maybe you need medication. Sometimes it can lift the fog. I would also encourage more friendships. As my kids age, I can see them asking me what is the point of it all? And my answer is good times laughing with friends and family. To me that is the point.

I think it's because you're tired and overwhelmed. You need a break.

I understand. There's a little of that Peggy Lee song feeling of "is that all there is"? And, I think we all feel it no matter how good our circumstances are. Maybe this is time to sit back and ask yourself: What would I like my life to look like 10 years from now? You're at mid-life when you are reaping the rewards of previous choices and efforts, and yet there is a lot of life ahead of you.

I've been posting a lot on Mamapedia (which I just found and I love) because I"m going through a similar feeling of "my life is good, but it isn't fulfilling". You might want to take a look at my questions and some of the terrific responses. I realized from the wise responses there: I need to create a schedule which really gives me the time I need to form relationships and interests outside of work. My procrastination (my issue) is a symptom of a life which needs something more...and that more is deep conneciton.

Our lives shift constantly. I find, personally, it is easy to focus on the little things each day and not to appreciate the larger, more wonderful picture.

Finally, what has helped me: To chose to be cheerful, even if I"m not "happy". I frequently find if I act a certain way, my whole mood and sense of appreciation of life changes because I treat people more joyfully and they respond in kind.

Also, something terribly basic: Do you and your DH get enough sleep? From years of late working hours, I became a night owl. With a child, I still kept late hours though I now get u at 5:30 a.m. As dull as it sounds, I now get to bed no later than 10 p.m. each night. Just getting enough sleep put the umph back in life.

Take care.

I think no matter what our personalities, we all feel like this sometimes. When I feel like this, I need to be alone, it allows me time to reflect and get myself in a good frame of mind. Also, there is also nothing like a day with a good friend. That's better than any therapy I know of. Take care of you!!

I felt this way when my oldest was born and I became a SAHM for the first year of her life 18 years ago. My husband told me to get a hobby. It took me a while to find something that I was passionate about but my passion has led me to have more joy in life than I ever thought possible.

I had two major surgeries in 2015. My life for months revolved around pain pills and physical therapy. The day I was able to go back to my hobby was the day I felt whole and happy again. Don't underestimate the effect a hobby can have on your life. Best of luck!!!

Doctor. Get a check up. Hormones, thyroid, stress, etc. all start having a party in our bodies in our 40's. If there's an imbalance going on, taking care of that will help.

Therapy - individual, talk therapy, cognitive behavior therapy. Something that can help you manage what's going on. Therapy doesn't mean you're "crazy", it means that something is in your way that's too big for you to get out and might be too complex for the non-therapists in your life to help get out of your way. In my 20's, I needed it, and it seriously changed my life.

Adult life is definitely not as easy friendship wise. I live in a state where I barely know anyone. We've moved a lot. I don't have a lot of friends locally. I do what I can to keep in touch with far away friends online. I've kind of accepted that this is how things are for now.

Re. special needs - it can be challenging. My son's on the spectrum also. Most of his challenges are social, so I think my life is going to be getting more interesting in that regard as he enters his teens. I've found a sense of relief by connecting with the AUTISTIC community - not other moms of spectrum kiddos, but actually autistic people. They are actively sharing their experiences on facebook, twitter, blogging, etc. and want to help change the world to be a better place. That includes helping parents understand their autistic kids.

Check out autistikids.com - lots of links to autistic bloggers, etc. Also, adiaryofamom.wordpress.com is a WONDERFUL parent blog, and the community that's grown around that blog is very loving and supportive.

Please feel free to message me if you like.

It sounds like you might not be putting any fun in your life. Your life is full right now with a husband, 3 kids, and one of those with special needs. No wonder you and your husband are tired. Do you have a family member who can watch the kids regularly so you can go out and have a laugh with your husband? Do you get outside for a scavenger hunt with your kids or go to a park? Being outdoors helps, too.

There will always be people who are happier, smarter, skinnier, better at parenting, etc. than you but there will also always be people who are at the other end. So what? Are you doing the best you can? Then be proud of who you are and what you are doing. Your kids need a good role model of what contentment looks like.

What did you want to be when you were little? Is it possible for you to take a few classes in that direction? Who are you as a woman? Do you recall what that was? Perhaps it is time to find her again. Do you ever take "me" time to do something or nothing daily? You need to find it again.

I say this to you as one day the kids will all be gone and it will be just you and hubby in the house. What will there be? Two loving people or two complete strangers? You have to cultivate relationships and you sometimes have to make the married couple the top priority over children. Yes the children are important but you two are more so.

As I have said in the past, "My life are my children but my children are not my life. They are a facet of my life."

Seek out medical for a physical to make sure all is working correctly. Then get a counselor or a therapist for a few sessions to see if they can help guide you in a direction that is positive.

I am always stretching for the brass ring on the merry-go-round. As they say, "Fake till you make it." Think positive. My husband feels a lot like you about many things. It is sometimes puts dampers on some dreams and ideas I have or have had in the past. He says that this way he doesn't have to be disappointed if someone does not do what they said as he was not expecting it to happen. I liken it to an air balloon full of air and then someone opens the stem and the air comes out and the feeling of excitement is gone.

Do let us know how things go in the future.

the other S.

PS It is very important to find out what you like and be you with everybody else around. You were a woman before a wife and a mom. Now take back being a woman and put on your oxygen mask.

I hear you. I had no idea one could be this exhausted. But when you are in your 40s with young children, it is exhausting. This is hard stuff.

To keep myself feeling positive, I do a lot of gratitudes everyday. It really does help to train yourself to focus on the positive. As to the anxiety and hyper-focus,I've been slowly learning to just let it all hangout. I've recently realized that I have serious issues around "mistakes." This has tons to do with the way I was raised. I'm in the process of trying to break myself of this. Learning happens when there are mistakes! They are the best teaching moments. So I'm trying hard to just realize that bad choices aren't really bad choices. They are signs the kid needs to develop in an area, and thank god they are being made at a time when I can coach them.

I'm also reading a really terrific book. It's called, "raising children, raising ourselves." I really recommend it. It's about dealing with your old tapes from your own childhood to be present and respectful with your children.

And yes, you need support! I'm in a book club that I feel really nourishes me because we are honest about how f'n hard this is. we are reading "a room of one's own" for next month because we all need a room of one's own! Do you have any women friend's you can lean on?

One last thing, it's hard to have a good sex drive when you are exhausted. I know that if I stay up to have sex, I then pay for it for days afterwards. We have no where near as much sex as we would both like, but there just isn't the time or energy. When we do have sex, it is wonderful, and we are good about making time for it when it's obvious our relationship could use a tune-up.

I think you need to be more gentle with yourself. Drop the shoulds and needs to, accept what is and learn to just love.

Join Project Happiness. https://projecthappiness.com/ I get daily emails with wonderful little tidbits of wisdom about how we make our own happiness. It doesn't have to be a struggle. But I totally hear you, I feel like it is a struggle, on most days. So in my world, a lot of what you are feeling is normal. We are exhausted! How can you be super positive and gentle with yourself and the world when you have no energy? You can't. Sleep and rest and feeling like your cup is full allows you to be full of joy. So figuring out how to get to that rested place is what I'm working on.

What's best for you?
Do you crave intimacy? Or long for friendships? Do you want family time or walks along the beach? Or a vacation or a good book? Maybe its about making yourself a shor term and long term bucket list. I was the same way about year 15 of our marriage....uninterested in sex, going through the motions of raising happy children and taking care of a beautiful family but forgetting about me. I think we as women can rob ourselves of valuable time along our journey. You just have some lost time to make up for...and plenty of thought to give what YOU would like. Now, over 20 years of marriage our love life is robust, I'm in a better place than back then. It seems like I've realized that epiphany. You'll get there. Be well. My thoughts are with you.