The End of Love......

Hi A.,

I would recommend that you watch the movie, Fireproof. It speaks on exactly what you are describing. I would be interested to know what you thought, and how it may apply to you.
Please stay in touch!
Warmly,
D.

this is very sad - unfortunately I am experiencing the same exact situation only having been married for 4 yrs. with one child age 2.

Recently, a man in his 50s who has been divorced twice asked me what was the secret to being married so long (We have been married for 28 years). It's actually very simple. Committment has to be more important than having fun and being in love. Love ebbs and flows. Sometimes marriage is great, and sometimes it's like you have now. Don't expect some unattainable perfection if you want it to last. And one last piece of advice. You can't have wonderfulness all the time - you have to have some bad times in order to appreciate the good. Best of luck!

I didn't read all of the responses, but you got some good advice from what I can see. My husband and I have done two marriage retreats--I will never forget that, at the one retreat, it was explained that love, over time, is constantly changing--you go from enchantment to disillusionment. Meaning, you will not always FEEL like you are in love. But, the good news is that love is a choice, so much more than a feeling. The church I go to is currently doing a series on sex, love and relationships. You can listen online or download the podcasts. The pastor is a pretty dynamic speaker--interesting and funny. Check it out...
www.liquidchurch.com

(The current sermon series is called "heat" so just click on that.) Best of luck to you.

Love does mature and becomes comfortable, like your favorite sneakers or jeans. What you have to do is spice it up a little. You're bored, the girls dont need you that much and you are wondering if this is all there is. Sorry, the answer is yes..this is it. Take a look at your single/divorced friends and their lives arent much different. On weekends they probably go out looking for a guy that they can snuggle with on a Saturday night.
Get a baby sitter and plan a night out once a month. Make a date to meet him for lunch at his work. Or surprise him with a new teddy. They have this new thing on the market..his and hers..which is some sort of lotion that makes sparks fly. Try it..you might like it. Most of all remember what it was that made you fall in love. Its still there, but hidden under the "daily grind."

Dear A.,

I have one question for you to honestly ask yourself. Is there any chance that you still want your marriage to work? I just watched this incredible movie the other day that changed the way I view my own marriage. It is called "Fireproof". Please for the sake of a final decision on your marriage, please watch this movie. You can watch it yourself, but it would be better for the both of you to watch it together. Try and get a sitter for your kids. You really want to watch this with no interuptions. Divorce is such a hard thing for anyone to go through especially for kids. If you are even a little still "in love" deep down then you owe it to yourself to watch this movie. I hope things will work out for the best! K.

Sometimes the grass does look greener on the other side, but.. it still has to be mowed. Meaning, its not the end of love, it sounds like you both have gotten caught up in life instead of living it together. Marriage is a miracle of "oneness". What did you do when you 1st dated, engaged, got married? Are you doing it now? When did you stop? Why? I have been with my husband for over 11 years and we get mad at each other, frustrated but it doesnt go more than 1/2 a day. Are we special, no, but we are one. Im only 1/2 without him. We have 11yr old twins(adopted at 4) and a 1yr old. He works as a teacher making very little and is up half the night creating material for his classes. I stay at home with the baby. Are life is tough, we have go through alot of extremely difficult things but because once we got married, I am his and he is mine: we are a whole. And I notice whenever I feel angry at him, call him a jerk under my breath its because Im acting as a single human being, not a whole human being a part of him. So, my advise is talk to him, see how he is feeling. It sounds like he feels the same Which could be a great place to come together and start doing the things you used to do. Immediately rent the movie "Fireproof" together without the kids and go discover each other, ask each other questions about one another, do something little for him each day without saying anything about it, ask him to make time to take a walk and then ask if you can hold hands. THis all might seem trivial and simple, but it is the simple things that can separate us and its the simple things that can hold us together. Give it a try. What can happen??? It can only get better. I will be praying for you. What God has brought together, let no man or woman separate!
H.

Hi!
Sounds like what may work is to re-connect with him. I find myself so busy with work and the daily grind that sometimes I wished I had alone time to myself as well as with my husband.

If you can both go on vacation and talk about things - and hopefully be able to re-connect. If you can't, then you'll know how you feel and perhaps your husband is feeling the same way. :)

Hang in there!!
A.

The first thing you should do is have an honest heart to heart with your husband about how you feel. If you want to work on this, so that you look back and have no regrets, you need to at least tell him where you are at emotionally. Chances are, he feels the same. Unfortunately, after years of marriage and kids, we tend to grow apart becuase we lose touch with each other. We put so much effort into everything else in our lives, but never enough into our marriages. There is a big misconception that marriage is easy and takes care of itself. Well, we know it is definitely no fairy tale. It takes work. Some days are good, and some are hard. Ups and downs, as long as when you are both working on making it better, that there are more ups than downs.
I know exactly what you are going through. Been there, and am still trying to work through it as I write this to you. One of the biggest things I have learned is that the biggest problem most couples have is lack of communication. Even if you only spend 5 minutes reconnecting before bed, just talking - it makes all the differnces in the world. Feeling close to my husband makes me want to be intimate with him..Without that closeness, that feeling like we are connected, then there is no intimacy.
I know what you mean about roommates. I have felt that same thing. Like two people who live in the same house and who share children and not much else.
It is hard, I know, to feel what you feel. Confusing time. But I think if you talk openly to your husband, things will get better. He has to want to work on it too.
I hope you find some answers, and can do what is best for you and your family without any regrets.
Keep your chin up and heart open,
K. G.

every marraige goes through this. do you still love him?? in your heart?? but you miss the old times... then work on getting them back. It seems if you get along.. that's a step in the right direction. You need to do stuff to get in the mood. My husband and I -- this happened to us too. but I didn't want to be single or divorced.. i didn't want to break up the family. Talk to him. Tell him how you feel.. the odds are that he kind of feels the same way. Maybe you need to get away.. or get a new hairdo. .. or take a walk together.. or go out to dinner. Go buy a new nightgown... light some candles and rekindle that spark... we all get in a rut.. but please don't throw it away. Talk to him. My husband and I had a rough year last summer... and we started to talk things out.. we started going out more... like once a month together.. and our sex live is alive and well again. We are truely happy.. and we will be married 20 YEARS in June 09... It's great to rediscover what you lost.. but you have to work at it.. you both do. good luck.. and please don't give up... .... Your kids will be happy you stuck it out.. and so will you and the hubby.

It is a normal thing, to go through these kinds of changes in a relationship. But it can also lead to the end of your marriage, if you don't get help working through it. For your family's sake, and your own, I think you and your husband should spend some time in couple's counseling. It'll give you both the information you need to make the best choices for your happiness.

And remember, you are modeling what marriage (and happiness!) is to your daughters. At the very least, you need to show them that you are honestly searching for happiness and goodness in your life! Respect towards yourself, your goals, and your family are crucial in this search. Seeing a counselor (individually and/or in couple's counseling) can only help. It honestly saved my marriage, and gave me so many tools to help me find what I want and need.

I'm sorry you're feeling so unfulfilled. It's your job now to fix that! Do whatever it takes to be happy, while still being the wonderful mom you are. Your husband sounds like an amazing dad, too. So if there's any way to re-connect, please try to do it! Being single won't be fun or exciting. It'll be hard, stressful, and without a real break almost ever! And your daughters will miss their dad terribly. Only go in that direction when you've exhausted all other options, and you know it's the right choice deep in your heart.

Good luck. You have a lot of options. The only really bad one is to do nothing...

Go away TOGETHER for a long weekend and leave the children home with a trusted relative or friend. Most couples I know focus so much on the kids they lose the "couple" that started the whole thing. Being a couple is so necessary. My husband and I (married 13 years) have only taken my own advice twice since our first child was born (she is 8 years old now and a 2 1/2 years old too) but it is fun, refreshing and gives us a chance to get to know each other again. We talked, walked, shopped and had a great time. (and came home with a "baby on board"!) It was good too for the children to see us make our relationship a priority and that we can be something more than Mom and Dad all the time. We have also decided to keep the time together going and go out once a month WITHOUT the kids. We go out to eat (cheap due to economics) and when possible get the grandparents to baby sit (they don't charge us and it is only every second or third month for each set so we are NOT taking advantage). WE are trying to make it a priority to love each other and let our kids see us work on our relationship. You may just need time to get to know the you and him 12 years and 2 kids later. Don't call it quits before you have tried to repair the problems and also TALK, TALK, TALK to him. One of the most devistated families I have ever seen was a husband that never talked of ANY problems and one day walked out, filed for divorce and moved on. SPOUSES are NOT mind readers and without talking to him he may not even know that there is a problem. Children take so much time that is NOT easy to put effort in maintaining a relationship with your husband or wife. PLEASE DON'T GIVE UP BUT WORK ON IT!!! Get counseling from someone who's goal is to work out the problems and not just "get a divorce". You owe it to yourself, husband and kids to work on it first and not call it quits. My husband and I have had our fair shair of problems but always have worked it out, sometimes just between us and sometimes with a councel or pastors advice and help. Marriage is har, fun, crazy, etc but well worth the effort. A.

Since it seems like your family life is good, even if it is a little bland, I don't think you should give up on it yet, just for the possibility of a little excitement elsewhere.

I think you probably have 2 issues to work on, the first one you mentioned of both you and your husband lacking interest in sex. The second one, I think, is you've spent 10+ years taking care of your children and you may have lost yourself in the process. If that is true, you need to find some new exciting activity to get you out of the house one night a week or every other week to just refind yourself, something fun and different. Just don't use this to form some new male relationship, yet. First try reconnecting with your husband. Some people like to say sex is like riding a bicycle- you never forget how to do it, but married sex has a little bit of that "use it or lose it" quality, the less you do it, the less you feel like doing it.

I don't think you need to have a weekend getaway with your husband, but if you do, go somewhere with no TV, don't fall into the comfort patterns/vices that normally occupy your time. I think you could do the same thing at home, find somewhere the girls could have a sleepover, buy something that makes you feel sexy, tell your husband you want to go on a "date" and not the same-old restaurants or things you normally do, tell him to woo you, tell him to pretend he's trying to get "lucky" (because he is) and then, whether you feel like it or not, make love, and try to participate not just go through the motions. You have to reawaken that single-woman within. Set a goal of having sex at least once/week for a month, then increase it. Hopefully your husband will be happy to participate in all this "fun", and hopefully it will rekindle lost urges for both of you. If you both give it the old "college try" and it does nothing to improve your mental state, then it may be time for a more serious evaluation, be it counseling, hormone therapy, or really changing your life. Remember, your kids are old enough to start relying on each other, soon your oldest can babysit, you can start having a life of your own and still be a good mom. If you leave, it may make you temporarily happier, but you CAN reclaim your own life without leaving.
Best Wishes.

Hi,

Your post suggests that your lack of interest may not have very much to do with your and your husband's realtionship. There are a few possibilities. Do you have other physical symptoms, e.g. fatigue, have your periods changed, aches you may not have had before? You may have a hormonal imbalance, which, especially if coupled with fatigue or lack of sleep could explain your lack of interest in sex or your family life. Many women in their mid to late thirties experience changes, prior to what is supposed to be the "big change" where the hormones are out of balance and it can effect mood, energy level, etc. If you think this is a possibility, may I recommend "What Your Doctor May Not Tell You About Premenopause" by Dr. John Lee. It is a phenomenal book, and has helped me come up with a game plan for taking charge of my health.

I see that you have no complaints about your husband as a person, husband or father. You have made no complaints about your children. I find that sometimes when I am generally disinterested in what is going on around me it is because I have some other issue bothering me that I have not been addressing. Sometimes it's deep rooted, other times not. At times, I've gone for therapy and it's helped. The bottom line for me is that I have to look at what is or may be going on within me to cause the negativity and/or disinterest.

Please feel free to disregard anything that does not sound appropriate to you. In any case, my point is that it does not sound like an defect in your relationship or your husband.

Good Luck!

J.

A.,

I have been married, in a long term relationship, and single with children. Comitted relationships can be hard to deal with, but single life can get lonely too.
Comitted relationships where you are being ignored can be pretty lonely too, and that is no fun for sure.

Your girls may be too young to be without their mom if she goes on a long trip. I'm sure at their ages, they are still very dependent on you.

Maybe he needs a long trip somewhere. You may need to open his eyes to the fact you are not happy, and do not have to be a permanent fixture in a household where you are not. Comitted or married there should always be sparks in a relationship. Lovemaking and affection is what bonds couples and keeps you strong together.

You need to confront the situation now. Ask him how he feels too. It may get rocky, it may take some time and patience to bring both of you to a happy place, but you can't go on living the rest of your life together feeling this way. Talk to him about it.

Best wishes with this.
K.

Run, don't walk to couples counseling. You can change your life, before you lose all you have worked for and created. Your situation is not uncommon for couples with children at that age. You are probably putting a lot of effort into supporting them and filling their needs.
My wife says try the "90 day challenge" of making love every day, whether you feel like it or not. There were two books that came out last year with similar ideas. Check them out for some ideas on how to get started. For example, picking a kickoff date and using the days leading up to think of ways to make the setting special and romantic. The hardest part sometimes is making arrangements for you to be alone and uninterrupted. That's what babysitters, relatives, doors and white noise machines are for. Having sex daily takes off the table the question of whether you are going to have sex. Sometimes sex lives dwindle, because each is waiting for the other to initiate. Take initiation off the table. You've made an agreement that you are just going to do it. If it is not great, too bad, hopefully it will be better tomorrow. My wife and I found that the daily requirement of connecting physically improved our mood each day and drew us closer together. In truth, sexual intercourse did not happen every day--but if you broaden your definition of sexual activity, then each can find some satisfaction in a physical act--even cuddling and necking if you are just too exhausted. It may sound crazy to have sex every day when you are thinking you are not interested. But sometimes the only way to turn it around is to force it around. Besides, sex is pleasure and life is short. In the immortal words of Auntie Mame, "Life is a banquet and most poor sons of bitches are starving to death!" Let us know how it goes. Caveat: my wife is pregnant after our "90 Day Challenge." We wanted a child, but if you don't, be sure to stock up on birth control in your planning. You don't want to run out before 90 days are up.

A.,

Thank you for writing. I am feeling exactly the same way. In April my husband and I will have been married 12 years. We were together for five years (for the most part, anyway), before we decided to get married, so all in all it has been about 17 years. I turned 40 in January. We have sex like once a year, twice some years, and it has been this way for a long time. When we were courting, of course, we had sex like rabbits, all over the place, but that doesn't last forever and I didn't expect it to. We have one child, 5, and he is now the focal point of our marriage.

I think what brought it all up for me was Valentine's Day. I was looking at all those cards and they all just seemed ridiculous and stupid and mirrored nothing at all like what I felt for my husband, which really seems like not very much after all these years. I've been wondering if I really love him at all anymore, and I don't really see how he could be in love with me either.

Marriage takes a lot of work and so does having children, and like many other women have written, it takes a great amount of effort to jumpstart things after prolonged neglect. My husband is a wonderful man and the reasons I married him are the reasons I will stay married to him, he is kind, faithful, hard working, still handsome after almost 20 years, and he is an utterly devoted father.

Try to think back to why it was you married your husband in the first place, and if those things still hold true, do what it takes to keep it toegether. Think about ways to stimulate yourself. Seek self-satisfaction: learn a new skill, take a class if you can, join an exercise class. I know that when I take the initiative, in sex, a new activity, whatever, he is always willing to go along. Some men are just like that. Thank goodness he doesn't hang out at the bar with his friends, or on the golf course, or whatever.

As for the sex part, I tell myself now that we have just reached a higher level of intimacy! Basically I think that you, like me, and several others who have written, have let boredom take over. I don't think it's bad, it's just what happens. I don't believe for one second it would be any different with another man, and it could be oh so much worse. There's no relationship alive that can maintain that first-year thrill after 10-plus years together. My marriage is like a garden -- in it, my husband is the soil and I am the plant. Some seasons I am a weed, others a magnificent flower, yet he is as vital to my life as I am to his. We need to do what it takes, together, to keep the garden alive. I'm sorry for rambling, I'm still trying to sort it out in my head too.

Will Smith was on a Barbara Walters special this year and he had some very interesting thoughts on the subject of his long marriage. Basically he said that divorce is not an option for them, and because divorce is not an option, they have learned to get creative. I think if you take care of your boredom first, your marriage will benefit immensely.

A., I truly understand and even though I have been married for five years it feels that I have known him for years. I have three boys and one on a way and recently we have gone to places that callls for a date with my husband and it truly makes a difference. One of the things we have done was go to A Weekend To Remember conference and it really helped us to reconnect and renewed our vows and really get to the basis and the root of things that were affecting our relationship. Then we went to the Valentine Dinner at church Friday night and they had a movie afterwards and it was called Fireproof and it was an EXCELLENT movie!! It brought tears to my eyes and it really helped us to understand how important it is to work out the marriage. You made a vow that is not to be easily broken. Having children can change your relationsip and it will help you stop right where you are, and get back on track. Leaving or divorcing is NOT the answer, it's just an idea alot of people think, it's a way out...out of what? Now, if it was an abusive situation, yes, by all means, get out, but if it's because it doesn't "feel" like love...don't go by feelings because feelings will deceive you. You made a commitment to stay and help and be there through good and bad times, in sickness and health, for richer or poorer....not if it feels right. Sometimes we all get off track, but you are admitting that there is a problem or could be potential problem(s) involved, you two need to discuss it. Be open and it takes two peole to make your marriage work, but someone needs to mention it and this time it may be you. Just do it and and check out the movie, it was excellent!! Also, realize who will be affected if you left or whatever you do to get out of this life God has chosen for you..not just your children, your husband and you. Think of this way, two pieces of paper, one is you and the other is your husband. Glue is marriage. Glue the papers together and after it dries try to separate the papers, they will never be whole by themselves again. They still have the pieces of the other paper. You two are ONE and that is very special and two great gifts were created out that special oneness. A DATE WITH YOUR HUSBAND IS VERY, VERY, VERY IMPORTANT! Let me know and let all of us know what happens and you all will be in my prayers. Neat name by the way!! Does it have a meaning?

A.,

You've gotten some really good advise so far.
I want to add a few points.
-You may feel that the situation is so bad that it would be just weird bringing it up to your husband. Instead of speaking to him (which of course is the best thing), try showing kindness to him. Some nice gestures may go a long way. It will be your way of saying to him "I love you, I care about you, I want you to be happy." After doing this for a short while he may start reacting/behaving the same way towards you. Example: cook his favorite dinner and tell the kids "mom made roast beef and mashed potatoes today because it is daddy's favorite dish." If he wants to watch a game tell him "honey, why don't you get together with some friends. I'll be happy to prepare a nice meal for all of you." You can also buy him a special snack. You will know what works for him.
You may not "feel" like doing these things but you will see that your feelings towards him will change when you do acts of kindness.
-Compliment him and show appreciation - this is very important for men. When he comes home from work, ask him how his day was. Tell him (in front of the kids) what a wonderful dad he is and how thankful you are to him for supporting the family. Tell him in the morning that he looks nice. Casually mention at dinner time or after the shower (whatever works for you) that his eyes (hair, smile, teeth, whatever) are beautiful. Little things like this will make him feel good about himself and in return he will start doing the same thing to you.
These techniques work when marriages need work or when they are "dead" not abusive, so I think you will have a good chance at it. You
can reverse the current trend. I have known many who have.

What is most important is that you start feeling better about yourself. When you, you will radiate it to him and he will start feeling differently about you. Start making an effort with your clothes, go the gym, lose weight, put on some makeup, take up a hobby. Start socailizing more. Invite your husband on a date.

Please don't rush to get divorce. It seems like being alone is a happier life but it is not. There are so few men to date out there and no man you ever meet will love and care for your daughters the way your husband does.
You can salvage your relationship. Just put forth the effort. You will be much better off.

I haven't been married that long, but I've pretty much been with my husband for just as long. Marriage/Family/Life - its so hard - not like when we were just getting married or shortly there after. I think you need to mix it up a little. Break away from the everyday. Take time for yourself and spend more time with just your husband to try and find the love again. I think we all have to do that no matter how long we've been married.

Don't give up just yet. My husband and I just went through a rough patch for about the last year. We were at total odds and I was getting to the point that I wasn't sure wether I loved him anymore. It felt like I was starting to hate him(and I didn't want to become that kind of person). I had found an apt and was going to be moving in 2 days. My best friend took our 5 kids and gave us a night to ourselves. We talked about everything you could imagine and realized that we do love each other very much. We reconnected that night, that was 2 1/2 weeks ago and the whole family can tell that things have changed drastically. We are now taking the time to spend with each other and showing each other more affection. I have found that when he feels loved and is given more attention he isn't so stressed about the little things that used to irritate him. He used to fight with our girls constantly and now he has mellowed out. Its real nice. I know with kids its hard to find the time to spend together, believe me I know, we have 5 kids who have very busy schedules. Even if you just go for breakfast together or find something fun to do. You need to remember that you need that time or it wont work out. Love him like you want to be loved. Don't give up until you've really tried everything in your power to make it work and that takes two people giving it their all. I dont know if you believe in God but just know that if you put God first in your life then everything else will follow. Good Luck to you and your family.

Counseling for you alone and with your husband. This sounds like an identity crisis. Also talk to some single friends your age and see the grass isn't always greener on the other side. Don't break up your family on the notion single life is more fun. It is definately more work when you have kids. Look for excitement outside the family unit ie...take a class or join a gym or volunteer at the hospital. Work on you then turn in to the family. Talk to a professional counseler.

Good Luck
D.

Honestly, I feel pretty much the same way. I do think a lot of it has to do with kind of being in a rut. Everything we see on tv shows people being so in love through their whole lives and that is just not reality. We all face problems and challenges and just day to day life. It is a huge job to raise kids, and they are draining. Don't get me wrong, I love my 3 boys and wouldn't trade them for the world, but some days they just wear me out! I have found if I try to focus on things I like about my husband and that attracted me to him, it helps me to "soften" my feelings for him. He is not super involved with our boys, but I can't imagine them not having him around on a daily basis.

I hope this helps you to feel better or to at least know you are not alone!

It sounds like you're in a rut...or maybe even a little bit depressed. Nothing new about that, it happens in a lot of marriages. Your last sentence, "Maybe I just need a long trip somewhere" sounds like a good idea for you (and your husband) to do, while someone else watches over your girls. Even a once a week 'get-away' would work like an energizing B-12 shot to put the 'spark' back into your minds, souls, lives, marriage!

Hi there.

I am so sorry to hear how you are feeling about your marriage! Can I ask if you know the Lord? I am asking because my husband and I are Christians and we really work at our marriage. We are happily married with two kids. I know it's because of Jesus that my life is so good. When times get tough, overwhelming, boring, etc., I just pray and ask the Lord to help me. The bible talks about sex between a married couple and I will tell you that is what helps keep spouses connected! I know what you mean about not feeling like it due to a long day, crazy kids, etc but if you make the effort the Lord will bless your marriage! I promise! I will be praying for you as I know you are at a cross roads in your life. Your girls will thank you for trying to save your marriage instead of walking away. I attend Calvary Chapel Brooklyn and would love for you and your family to come and visit the church. Service starts @ 11AM. I actually just moved here from CA (my husband is in the military) and we found this church and love it. Blessings, D.
ps: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

I suppose that love can end with enough mistreatment of and disrespect for one another, but that doesn't sound like your situation. Love can grow tired, and it does require maintance. A trip might be fine, but my guess is that you are bored, stuck in a rut, the rat race has you by the tail. Maybe if you somehow change the patterns of your life a bit, you'll find that you'll have more or new things to talk about with each other. A date night doing something a little different a few times a month or a new family activity now and again might rekindle some sparks and connections that may have fizzled a bit. Also important is to pursue your own individual interests to a certain extent, with the support of your mate.
And make the effort at sex, it will most likely help. Even good relationships wax and wane sometimes, but they can be brought back from the doldrums. I'm speaking from 18 years of experience. Best wishes to you and your family.

Hi A.,
Just a couple of ideas in addition to everything else written here:
As a new couple, we cleaned beaches for the Nature Conservancy. We don't have the time to do that now, but we can recall that fun time and maybe you can find a volunteer activity you both can do that would re-energize your relationship. We live in an area with black ice or treacherous roads. I am so grateful that my significant other has managed to drive us home safely, I kiss him in addition to saying thank you. He smiles and understands. It is little things like that that you can do too. Take the time to acknowledge a full moon or a flower growing through a crack. Do you share your amazement at nature's beauty? Another thought: the strongest need we all have is to feel like we belong. Do SOMETHING so you feel like you belong. I joined an animal rescue group and I clean cat cages at Petco - I'm involved, needed and feel like I belong. Your girls will also benefit to know you are happy doing something where you feel needed and you belong. Volunteering is also an activity you can share with your spouse that is totally different and maybe exciting to you. Happiness breeds happiness.

A.,

I noticed you wrote this on Valentine's Day. I'm so sorry.

I don't have any answers, but wanted you to know that you are not alone. I often feel that way and I've only been married 7 years. But, we have two beautiful girls, so I stay. I think its normal. Marriage is hard work and you have to work on it all the time. I think it often gets neglected in the shadow of raising the kids. I'm hopeful that things will get better, and that marriages grow and wane. And just because things aren't great right now, doesn't mean they won't be great next year. Or maybe even next week!

I would search for something YOU love to do and take care of yourself a little. And, maybe, try and get a spark going between you and your husband. Set up a date. Light a candle. See what happens. And there's always counseling if you're really unhappy. It can help a lot.

Good luck to you.

How often do the two of you get out to discover who you are when you are not being a mom and a dad? I think marriage is much harder then we think going into it, and it is easy to get so lost in the craziness of parenting that we disappear as adults. At some point though, the kids stop needed you as much and then you may find yourself facing a stranger across the breakfast table. To keep this from happening, I think we need to carve out "adult time" for ourselves, something that I find very hard to do too, and not talk about the kids. My husband and I went through what you are describing and are just coming out the other side. It has been a hard road, but rediscovering the desires I had when our love was still fresh has been pretty amazing. If this guy is worth keeping, and it sounds like he is, you owe yourself the chance to step out of mom for an evening and step into whoever you discover it pleases you to be. It is easy to keep dancing the same old dance. It takes bravery to try a new step, but you may find it is the best step you have ever taken.

Hi A.~

You have lots of good advise here already and I'd try most of what was suggested. Talk to him, I mean really talk, openly and honestly and down and dirty, if it's warranted. I might leave the therapy as a last effort but date night with your husband is a very good idea. A., you've been married to your Mr. Right for a while now, and unless you married him on your first date, you've probably been with him for a while before you arrived at the alter, so you've already got a strong foundation already in place and you can build upon it now. I often told my children nothing worth doing will ever be easy so don't expect this to be easy. Do things for him and with him and remember to talk ~ everyday you need to talk to him about everything. Remember that your unhappiness didn't happen overnight so I'll take some time and effort to get over it.

Marriage is like the weather: sunny and warm one day, cold and snowy the next. We go through times of drought and plentiful but we do it because in the end, the only thing that lasts, what's real, is the love we all share with our spouses, children and family. We are always changing and evolving and the key is to success in our life is to stay on the same page as our significant others, to try as best we can to change in the same direction. And lastly, pray together. It isn't just a billboard but it's true. Say grace before every meal and attend some sort of mass or whatever it is you do to practice your religion. It is so very important to the growth of all relationships.

A., I'll pray for you, your family and success in all your endeavors. I know what happens in the end is your decision and I wish you the very best of luck.

Good luck to you. Your friend~J.

I think that we all feel that way sometimes... I know that I do. I feel that I am little better than a paid servant sometimes, of course, my children are a little younger. I am not really interested in the sex thing either, but I never really was.. my husband is understaning (I have MS); What might help is trying to set a little time aside for one another just to talk.. My husband and I like to talk about current events.. during the day we will e-mail each other news articles and then we will talk about them when we have a free moment... I am not talking about candlelight dinners, I am talking about 15 minutes while one of us is showering, or 20 minutes after the kids fall asleep and before we fall asleep : ) It's hard, but important. Get something for the two of you to connect with that is not related to your daughters.. Good Luck.. L

We recently had a similar time and my friend told - "You have to work at it - both of you." And the effort is on all fronts - sex, time just to yourselves, finding something to do that you both enjoy. At first, it will feel like you are just going through the motions - the sex will feel stiff and so will the conversation. But, if you keep the line of conversation open, tell him what's going on and he can do the same, it will get better.

Don't listen to people who tell you it's just part of the ups and downs of marriage - it is, but you shouldn't be held hostage by it.

I have been married for almost 24 years now. We have 2 daughters, 6 cats, one large dog. Marriages ebb and flow like the tide. Boredom can happen. Its usually a sign that you need some excitement. Talk to your husband. Have a date night once or twice a month. See a marriage counselor if necessary. These periods of time are normal. No one stays "in love" like when you were dating for an entire marriage. But as long as the roots are strong (yours sound strong to me) then there is always something to work with. It is hard to put a marriage first when you have children and so many other things to do, but it is important. The best example you can show your children is to love the other parent FIRST, even before the children. The foundation of a family is the love that caused the family to happen.

Sounds like you need to plan a vacation for two to get some spark back. Make an agreement that you'll have sex every day on vacation no matter what. Your husband probably feels the same way. I recently read an article where a couple decided to have sex EVERY day for a year! It sure fixed their marriage but I think they were relieved when the year was over too!

Breaking up a family is devastating for children and the same thing will eventually happen in your next relationship too. Single people aren't really as happy as you might think they are. They have other issues to deal with: living on one salary, finding a partner who's not diseased (last statistic I read was that something like 25% of people have genital herpes and then there's all the other stuff), loneliness, etc. Sure they may not have the responsibilities but after all being a grown-up means having responsibilities and sticking to our commitment. Try a new hobby. Perhaps go for career counseling and see what your interests are. You never know what kind of ideas come up that you may never have thought of. Doesn't mean you need to get a job but just find out more about yourself. Perhaps there's some questionnaires online.

I think everyone goes through this at some point in their marriage. Just speak to some older women!

You may both find it helpful to make dietary changes since consuming certain foods will lower libido, especially junk food. Perhaps some hormone-balancing herbs? Hope things work out for you.

Hi A.,
Neat name! I am 31 and have been married for going on 14 yrs. I know, I was really young. I said that to myself often. I felt disconnected from my husband many times throughout the years. Many times I thought I would be better off alone because that was how I felt anyway. I never knew where to go for advice and I would feel guilty and ashamed for feeling the way I did. Which did not make matters better. It is wonderful that you can open up like this. The only thing I can suggest for you is to look at your life right now as part of a plan. I would talk to him, but not in a way that would hurt him, men can clam up or get angry if you come off accusational in any way. Instead suggest ways in which the two of you can rediscover eachother. You can go on a minivacation or date(just the two of you). It might be difficult if he has trouble opening up, but try, it is worth it. So many times, we can only see the here and now and forget that life changes directions many times. Try not to concentrate on how you feel at the moment and look at your life with him overall. Also, try to rediscover yourself. Try something new, i.e. take a class, remodel soemthing in your house, volunteer somewhere, or what I did, I went back to church and got centered with God. Overall, I wish you the best in what ever you decide, but keep in mind that this will pass.

Dear A.,

It sounds like you are in a major rut. One thing I have realized about men is they are not mind readers and sometimes as much as it becomes another job for us women we have to tell them what they want. Men just don't think like we do and most are just happy with going to work, playing with the kids, and plopping on the couch. I have learned that as wonderful as my husband is if I do not initiate things, and make plans we would both just vegetate on separate ends of the couch. So I am the one who makes the plans, dinner, movie, etc. Try to get a sitter and get away for a night with your husband, give yourselves a change to reconnect. As much as it can be a chore get a sitter and have a date night once or twice a month. As unromantic as it may sound sometimes you have to schedule in sex. Once you do then you will probably say to each other we should do this more often LOL !!! Having small children makes for little time, however a happy marriage is just as important and the best gift you can give your two kids. You and your husband are not being selfish if you take some time to try to find what you once had. Divorce is not easy your children will suffer. I would try everything in your power before throwing in the towel and if its just not there then its just not there but at least you can say you tried. Life doesn't just happen we have to make it happen. There are times when we all want to be single for a minute and then we realize that can also be a very lonely place. Being a single parent is also a very difficult job. Also schedule in some alone time for you so you can recharge. Take an afternoon and pamper yourself get a facial, a massage and just relax it could just be your are feeling overwhelmed. Good luck and hang in there!!!

Sweetheart,

Take it from a women who has recently been abandoned by her husband that life without your man will NOT be exciting but extremely stressful and lonely! My husband began to complain that I was not sexy or attractive enough to him after 13 years of marriage and two children. So one Friday night, he packs-up all his things and leaves me the next morning, never to return again.

At 53 years old, there aren't many men who gave me even a second look let alone wanted to date or even have a "fling" with me. I keep myself presentable and I actually am attractive but men today have so become "polluted" by the smut on the Internet that no decent women can ever hope to live up to the false images that those video vixens put out as being the "ideal" image a women should be!

My best advice is to buy yourself some Arginine and Pregnenolone 50mg and take some every 4 days. Those suppelments will re-start your desire for sex. As for your relationship, you should read all you can about why your man is pulling away from you or seek out professional marriage counseling. The last thing you want is for him to announce he is leaving you and then you become a single women again with children! It is the most horrible, miserable and depressing existance that any women should ever have to suffer through!

Try to open up dialogue with your husband by taking him out to a nice restaurant, without the kids, so you can discuss with him what is going wrong between you. Trust me, if you wait and "hope" it's going to get better, it won't. Things will only get worse and one day you will "watch" him walking out the door for the last time! Your sufferings will really begin at that point! Talk about pain, boredom, misery?! You don't want to go there!

Don't let this happen to you! Take the steps now while you still have time to repair what's broken about your relationship! Don't believe that e-Harmony commercial that says you can find someone soon after
a break-up...it's been three years for me now and still I haven't found anyone but the ones who want only "a one night stand"! All the good men are still coming out of adolescence! Ha!

You have a husband right now! Trust me,you have a Treasure living in your house but if you don't work at keeping your Treasure, he will leave you! Doesn't matter if you had 2 kids or 6! Men will leave when they can't feel fulfilled!

Get help to save youself from a most horrible fate...lonliness! It is the most miserable punishment for a women who is a nurturer like yourself. Save your family, save your marriage. Seek professional help and soon! Time is of the essence...

T. A.

Hi A., I see that you've received alot of responses already... Sorry but I don't have any answers as I am also in similar situation, married 12 years our sex life is nonexistent. I think in the past 5 years we've had sex maybe 3-5 times. For Valentines Day I asked about what another couple (friends) were doing and he answered nothing after all they're married...which to me shows where his head is at, you don't have to work at it anymore.
Just wanted to say there appear to be alot of people in the same boat, not that that's a consolation.
I do agree with one person, though, the grass usually looks greener on the other side. I was single for many years and it can be very lonely,and there are alot of shallow, supercial guys out there... add to that the stress of going through a divorce as a parent and it doesn't sound like a picnic. Does it mean you should settle for things as they are? Absolutely not.

I believe this happens in many relationships. Being single isn't anymore exciting although I can understand you thinking so. When one feels stuck, the grass always seems greener elswhere...not true and it's time to think positive and creatively.

I tend to think you have a great partner....before you give up on your life with him...work on turning things around with him....

Sit him down and talk to him about your relationship...let him know how you feel...listen to how he's feeling about it as well. You both need to come up with ideas and do them to turn things around. Couple therapy might even help with this so consider that too....

Make some changes, try new things....get a new hair cut, buy some new clothes...move the funiture around...take a class in something that will hold your interest and excite you...
Also spend more quality time alone with your husband. Take a class with him you both might enjoy. Take walks with him...hold his hand. Stroll on a beach with him, watch a sun set together...have a pinic. Start doing fun things with him....go dancing, go to a movie, go on a vacation with him...or even go away with him for weekends...get together with other couples.....find common things you can enjoy together besides your children.
Sex isn't everything but you might want to work on this as well with him... try making love with him in some new place other then your bed....try a candle lit hot tub, soft music in a hotel room somewhere...Try new positions...park somewhere romanic and make out with him in the car, under a boardwalk....find new ways that will excite both of you...he might have some ideas on this himself...try them.

ok a couple of things. One talk to your husband and see if he has any opinion on this. He may just be following your lead. You two should be able talk about anything (well most anything)Next, find something outside the home to entertain you...friends night out etc. Either with your friends or together...a date night if you will, and give it some time. I have one last suggestion. Have your hormones checked. Maybe you are pre menopausal and that may well be the cause of some of your feelings. I have been married for almost 38 years and felt the same at times. It may just be a "growing pain". Your children are growing up and need you less and less etc....keep trying to solve this....

It sounds to me like you and your husband are just not connecting on a deep personal level. If it isn't that your husband is involved with someone else or that you are fighting and having a lot of conflict then it seems to me that you both just need to decide if you want to invest time and energy in improving your relationship.
I just read a book that I had seen recommended by other Mamasource posters.It is called 'The Five Love Languages' by Gary Chapman. It has helped me and my husband a lot. I'm sure that there are many different approaches to transforming a marriage and if you both decide that you want to commit to each other, you can find what will work best for you. It can take a lot of hard work to create a good/great marriage, but you and your children will reap the rewards of your effort. I have been with my husband for 20 years and we have had a lot of ups and downs. Sometimes when we are in a down time, I think that there is no way that I will feel close to him again. Usually I am the one to push and push until we work through it. My husband is committed to our family so he usually eventually goes along with me when I come up ideas for how we can improve our relationship or when I think it is time to sit down for a heart to heart. It is always a struggle though.
You may decide that you are ready to move on and you do not want to invest any more into this marriage. You may feel in your heart that there is just something else out there apart from your marriage that you will find fulfilling. If that is what you are driven to do, that is fine. You can separate from your husband as amicably as possible and allow your children to be loved fully by both of you. You just need to look deep within your heart and decide what you think is best for you and your children.
If you decide that you want to work on your marriage, I would suggest that you start by having a very open and honest conversation with your husband, without any blame or judgment, and let him know exactly what you are feeling. Let him know that you desire to have a really great marriage. I bet you will find that he is feeling the same way you are. You can forget about the past. Just decide what you want for yourself now. Discuss what you both feel is lacking in your marriage and what you wish you had. You may not even know the answer to that, but start to ask each other questions. What makes you feel loved by another person? What makes you feel fulfilled? What things would you like to accomplish in this lifetime? What experiences do you find exciting? You may find a new relationship in helping each other reach your desires/goals as a team. You may also find that you have some of the same desires/goals. It may sound cliche, but it can be just as fulfilling to give to your spouse as to receive from your spouse.
I wish you all the best in whatever you decide.
~B.

I have been feeling kind of similar but different feelings. I have been thinking about what to do and I think I need to get away on a vacation with no DH and no kids. I don't know where or with who, but at this point I think that would be well needed. I have never vacationed with them...

Hi A., I think you guys are so involved with the kids that you both lost sight of each other. Saying I love has just become automatic with no emotion behind it. When was the last time just you two had a date night. Or did things without the girls involved. Dont let the years go by and you forgot why you fell inlove. Yes you at times loose what made you fall inlove with each other but its up to you to find it.
My husband and I had to do that after our daughter was born. We don't mean to do it but priorities change and it can slip away without you even realizing it.
If you have someone to watch your daughters once a week and just make it an "us" night' and see where it goes. Don't talk about the girls, but how was your day' and so forth.
And if you can a try to do a weekend getaway.
Good Luck

Why are you living my life Lol. I am also 38 married with two chidren ages 5 and 21 months. I dont love my husband anymore either, he is so boring. I am happy I have my chidren but I think if I did not I would have walked away from everything and star all over. I feel my female friends cannot understand how I feel so i isolate myself. Enough about me, my only suggestion is fine something for you. I love going to the gym so I go every chance I get and I always feel so good after and I take a novel with me. Sometimes I think avout a trip but I don't know if I would return LOl....I would never leave my kids. Godd luck my fellow mama.

Hi A.,
I've read some of your responses, and I just want to jump in and say "ditto" to many of them. I'm married almost 15 years, and we have three young kids. You're going to have those moments when you need a little jump start. It's just a bump in the road. May I suggest (as others have) a few mini vacations here and there, just you and hubby so you can use that time to focus on each other again. You may require a confidence-booster as well. Go to the spa, get a manicure/pedicure, get your hair done. Buy new lingerie, and strut your stuff. Good luck!

A.,

Well your children are still wonderful, that's a plus.

What do you need that is more exciting? What is missing? Is it romance? Danger? Passion?

You were married for several reasons; usually it is because your heart beats a bit faster at the thought/sight/closeness of your hubby.

I would actually check with your doctor. Lack of emotion/apathy/needing something 'more' could be signs of something a bit less traumatic than a divorce. Thyroid. Depression (and depression doesn't always follow a rote pattern). Something you haven't thought of.

You want romance? You want passion? You want that pitter pat back when your husband walks in the room? Surprise him. Cards from the kids - and you. Something extra in his lunch. Keep him guessing. Make it real, make it fun, make it whatever you can work with.

You are in charge of your own excitement - but usually excitement starts with being a source of excitement for someone else.

Advice? Don't ruin something that is a vehicle for expressing yourself so safely! Don't give up the ship and get in the dinghy because you want to experience the waves. Give the boat a new paint job.

Talk to your husband, let him know how you feel - or don't - and work on changing how you feel.

You're not in an abusive relationship, he's not cheating on you, he's not ignoring you, you have wonderful kids, you are talking to each other, you have SO much and you don't see it!

It is up to you to make the best of the vow you took - I do - for richer/poorer/sickness/health/better/worse. In this day and age, you have so much more than a lot of women.

(and no, I am not advising you to get a boyfriend on the side, either, that is not the spice/excitement I am talking about!)

You have so much, be thankful!

One book that might help you a bit is: Night Light by Dr. Dobson and his wife Shirley.

Good luck,
M.