My Husband and I Don’t Have Fun...

Sounds like you are the perfect candidates for marriage counseling. Many of the issues you mention, like being unable to communicate effectively, are exactly what they help you learn in therapy. It saved my marriage.

You don't mention anything about whether you tried talking to him about this and communicating that you feel resentful. Earlier on in my marriage, I held a lot of things inside because I wanted things to be peaceful and I found myself going from 0-100 because that kind of behavior builds resentment. I learned to communicate better by being direct with him and telling him when something he does bothers me and now I'm much happier and we're back to having fun together again. You can make it through this but you both need to learn to communicate better. Good luck,

when we were young parents with two small children and too many jobs and too much stress, we went through a phase like this. despite all of our commitment to each other, all of our vows that we would never lose sight of our own relationship when we had kids, all of our high-minded ideals of what our marriage should be, we almost fractured.

the counselor we went to had a very simple fix. she directed us to have our sitter stay an extra hour, and that very night, on our way home from our first appointment, we stopped and bought small coffees at mcdonalds (all we could afford) and sat in the car. we took turns telling each other what it was about each other that we'd fallen in love with.

our second appointment went much better. her next directive was that we take that hour, that sacrosanct hour, one night per week (more if possible but never less) and do it again. it could be what the other had done that past week to make life more bearable, not necessarily always reaching into the more distant past, but an hour spent expressing gratitude and admiration for the other.

that was our last appointment. we've never looked back.

your fix might not be that easy, but it's sure a great place to start.

best of luck to you.
khairete
S.

Look for Dennis Prager on the radio. He has a male/female hour that is very helpful in understanding relationships between the sexes and Dennis’s goal during this hour is to make better relationships.

He once had a caller to his show...she said her husband used to drive her insane leaving his dirty clothes on the floor for her to pick up. One day he died suddenly. She stated how she missed his dirty clothes being thrown on the floor. Years later she remarried. She said she is such a better wife to her second husband than she ever was to her first husband. She chooses not to let small things irritate her.

I think many of us can learn from her story. Best of luck.

I'm sorry you are going through this. All marriages have ups and downs that you work through. Sometimes counseling is the best option to guide you through it.

It's good that you try to have date night but not good that you end up arguing.

My late husband and I ( married 27 years) made a point to have date night weekly. We did this without missing many due to sickness or something up until his death in 2015.

We made it a priority and it was budgeted weekly. It was THAT important to us to maintain "our" connection. You do not have to be extravagant to have date night. It can be a glass of wine or coffee after dinner in your own backyard! It's what you make of it.

Money can ruin relationships. This is where counseling can help you understand each other and how you work best together as far as communication, etc.

In time, if you both make an effort, you can get your fun back. You are both busy with work and parenting. Make sure to put your relationship as priority.

Best wishes to you!

Glad to hear you're not thinking about divorce. This is fixable but not without rethinking a lot of the habits you both have formed. I agree with everyone else that counseling is your best bet. Please don't blow that off. It can save your marriage and help you make a much better environment to raise your kids. Neither of you feel respected and that's huge. Happiness is a choice as is loving someone. I'm glad my husband loves me warts and all.

Please seek counseling. Make calls tomorrow. Marriage can be a beautiful thing and that's the goal, not surviving. You want your kids to have a healthy concept to follow. A lot rides on what you do next.

Choose wisely.

mom.

This is marriage. It's up and down. I can't tell you how many times in 20 years we haven't had "fun". We aren't 20 years old anymore. You're what 28? MAYBE 29? You're still wanting a life of going out with the girls and dancing until 3AM?? WHAT is it you want? WHAT will make you happy? Have you TRIED writing it all down?

Your marriage lacks communication and your expectations are totally different.

You MUST learn how to communicate with each other. Tell him YOUR expectations and HOW you need them met. If it means telling him I NEED you to put the toilet seat down after you go to the bathroom - then so be it.

As for date nights? You tell him what you WANT. Find out what HE wants and what is the compromise in the middle?

You sound like YOU need to be in control. WHY do you feel he can't handle things?
what's wrong with him asking questions about buying a new car??? I think I would act like a jerk to you as well if you treated me like a child. Which it sounds like you and you aren't even aware of it.

Have you TRIED counseling?
you have a job you hate. That causes enough stress on someone.
You feel mistreated at your job. You feel under appreciated at your job...
You feel a lot of things. What about what HE feels?

You really need counseling. Your marriage needs a therapist. I can tell you if you walk away right now? NOTHING will change. Why? Because YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT - other than to "have fun"....

Great answers here and I loved what JC. wrote about the woman who hated picking up the clothes her husband left on the floor and then he died suddenly and she missed the clothes on the floor. Wow what a thought to ponder! We all need to think about that and let love for our husbands be our motivating factor and not let their irritating habits blind us to that.

Have you tried marriage counseling? It sounds like you and your husband are no longer able to connect or communicate, so it is unlikely that you will suddenly find the ability to do so on your own without some kind of outside help. A counselor will help you find the middle ground. If there are things that one or both of you is bringing to the table that isn't healthy or helpful, that can be addressed and you will be given new things to try instead. It will take intentional effort from both of you. Best of luck!

Money is one of the big things people fight about.
Marriage counseling is your next stop.
Go by yourself if he won't go with you.
You and he need to be able to communicate and have a conversation without things devolving into a shouting match.
If communication is not possible - then you get divorced.
It's great you both have jobs.
I'd start putting aside some money for a rainy day.

I agree with B - you both need counseling with an objective 3rd party. If he won't go, then go alone, at least to start.

You say he doesn't communicate, and you may be right. But you don't either. And here's the other thing: you have to learn to "fight fair." There is an art to having an argument, where people can air their differences and not hate each other. You two cannot do that.

You are very smart to see that your children are learning from this. They are learning that this is how people engage with each other, and this will be their model for how they handle conflict in every aspect of their lives. Don't let this be the legacy that you and your husband leave them.

You love your husband - but you can't stand a million things about him. He probably feels the same way. That's not sustainable. Get professional help. It saved my marriage and it can save yours. But be willing to make half of the changes.

Counseling, together and separately. If he refuses and divorce isn't an option then I guess you're stuck, but that's your choice.

Counseling!!!!!!!!!! Individual and together!

please read my response to the woman who "doesn't have fun".

You must be REALLY young. Please. Seek out a counselor. You really need guidance.

You sound burned out and sad. I think both of you should get away somewhere and relax. Have you thought of writing down how you feel in one of those cheap little journals from the dollar store or target? That is what I do, it keeps me from smacking ignorant people or saying something that I would regret.

Just to add:

My husband and I don't have fun either. When we met we'd go for long walks at Boomer Lake, walk out the sandbar and waltz out on the seating area. We'd go places we enjoyed and eat out. We'd travel. We enjoyed spending time together and we were very close.

Nowadays we're lucky if we say 5 civil words to eat other all day. We have lives, kids in the house, work, stuff that takes away "our" relationship.

If we plan something we almost always end up getting in an argument. Because we have all sorts of baggage and it surfaces when we're stressed out or our expectations aren't met.

We've lost that "couple" connection. And we're not young. Needing couple time where it's just you and him, spending time going for a walk, holding hands, thinking about future plans, all those things that make you a family, those are important things that YOU need. It's why we seek out a spouse/mate/significant other. We want that inner connection to someone.

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Every single thing you said here is why you need to make an appointment with a therapist. They are a tool to help you find insight into a situation that seems out of reach.

It could be that you are overreacting, that could be hormonal, it could be postpartum depression, it could be pre-menopause. It could be that you and your husband need counseling so the therapist would give you homework where you'd try different methods of communication and find some that work.

My husband and I found that making an appointment with each other, then sitting down facing each other, and the one that asked for the meeting starts off.

Him: I worry about your safety when you drive without wearing your seatbelt.

Me: I heard you say you want me to wear my seatbelt. I'd like to say that I should wear it more often.

Him: I heard you say you think you should wear your seatbelt. I'd like to say please wear your seatbelt.

Me: I heard you say that you want me to be safe and want me to wear my seatbelt. I will do that.

Then the meeting is over. The resolution is that we addressed ONE topic. Problem solved.

Had this conversation with my husband. I've worn my seatbelt every time I got in a vehicle now. Because I "heard" how much it meant to him that I stay safe.

Sitting down, having a tool, having one topic, that's the way we found that worked for us.

If you go to a therapist that has good experience in the area of helping married people work out their communication problems then it shouldn't last more than a few months.

I'd suggest you see them, hubby see them, then both of you see them together. This way you can open up and talk about what's going on with you and how you feel without hubby's feelings being hurt, same with him, then coming together to talk about the bigger issues can truly get you guys to the bottom of it all and get it resolved.

If he won't go then go for yourself. Find better ways to manage your anger, actually, figure out where it's coming from. You have a lot of it stored up....you said you can go from 0-100. You have something deep inside that is hurt and struggling to be heard.