A Step-mom Who Cares :)

Updated on October 15, 2012
T.S. asks from Elyria, OH
8 answers

I used to be friends with my husband's ex girlfriend...in fact we all were friends. Things happened...like she had relations with my then boy friend while pregnant (with my now husband's child)...well since him and I were still friends after they broke up we would talk from time to time...nothing sexual...just talking...well then we found ourselves liking each other more then friends. She was happy that I was dating him. She said that she felt comfortable with her son being around me.

Well since then though at first made it hard for him to see his son...and it was because she didn't want her son around me. So he took her for custody and it is the same today. They both have partial physical custody. All of the custody stuff happened when he was one year old. Then after that she would give him us on days she was supposed to have him...which we didn't mind that but that stopped when we got married...which was a year later.

He has gotten bitten by fleas at her house for a year straight when he was two and again when he was four. Called Child Services they investigated found it to be a problem but said nothing they can really do about it. I mean I am talking bit head to tows with bites...enough to make you cry. They constantly smoke around him. And he was born premature and lung problems already run on his dad's side.

She lets him stay up all night long. Lets him watch TV in his room when he should be sleeping. I know this because when I start bed time routine I have with my own children now with my husband...he says I don't do this at my moms house she lets me stay up and watch TV all night. And I just ask him how he felt the next day and if he wanted to go outside and play or if he felt to tired...and he said he felt to tired...and I told him that that is why he needs to sleep all night so that way he can play all day without feeling tired. He does that with fruits and Veggies too. Says he doesn't have to at his moms. But I remind him that the last time he was here and had it he found that he liked it and it wasn't so bad...and that that makes me happy when he eats stuff that is good for him and it should make him happy too because they are full of good stuff to help his body grow up to be big and strong.

Everything that I do for my children I do for my step-son when he comes over. Like he loves saying prayers as a family and me reading bed time stories...and this brings up a heart breaking thing that he told me he said I love that we say prayers and read stories like this..and I said why?? Doesn't your mom do things like this with you?? And I wish I didn't ask that..even though it didn't seem to bother him while he told me no and that she yells at him for trying to say prayers...it sure bothers me...I changed the subject by asking him if he wanted us to sing a bedtime song...didn't want him to know what I thought about it.

And like if I do crafts with my daughter when he isn't here at my house...my daughter shows him the craft because she loves him...she is four...and is proud of what she did...and he asks me if him and I can do that too...and I tell him of course would love that. and I have a son that is one and a half now too.

But anyways...His dad is hardly here when his son is here and even when he is doesn't do much with his son. I am not like that though...I love children...and I have known his son his whole life...I helped raise him. But anyways she keeps things from his school from us and didn't have his father or I on any of the emergency forms at the school or doctors. Me I could kind of understand but not the father?? I was shocked. She had herself, her mom and her boyfriend as contacts for doctors and school both. And she had it written down that her address was the same as his father's and my address....making it appear that they were married. So we weren't allowed to be a part in anything but we were okay to pay the bill for it all.

And he pays her child support but doesn't spend any of it on her son...sends him over in stuff that is WAY to small on him...like today sends him over in a sweatshirt that is a 2-4T when he wears a 10-12!!! I mean REALLY??? Don't even know how she put it on him. but I will send it back not on him though...he can wear one of our shirts even though I won't see it again till it is way to small...I am not sending him like that. I just don't understand it.

Oh another thing she did was for two months straight she sent him to our house after feeding him tacos and the first two times I just thought it was a bug...but when it happened the third time I saw the pattern and my husband tried talking to her...but she didn't listen so I called the doctors office and told them what was going on and they said how damaging that is for his throat and everything so I texted her that and she was all offended...but since then he hasn't had anymore tacos and he hasn't gotten sick anymore here either.

And she NEVER has him ready when we go to pick him up...we sit in the car waiting for at least 20 minutes. Has made us late and even miss things we were going to go to for fun. But then when she was on her way to pick her son up she said have him ready..I said he is and really you have to ask that of me?? I have always had him ready so there is no waiting...But since I said that she blew up at me to the point where I told her I was sorry for misunderstanding...and if she knows my husband and I are fighting she breaks up with her flavor of the month and tries to ask for him to be done with me that she can show him a good time.

Oh and if she knows that we are taking kids somewhere like a wedding reception or something like that she will make him have a mow hawk and have fake tattoos of like the devil and stuff like that on where you can see them like the back of his neck.

Sorry just wondering if any of you deal with this stuff....I am a woman that came from a divorced family...even though they were never married or together when he was born that still affects my step son. I never want him to be in the middle. His mom reminds me of my own mother...never around except when it is something important...I became closer to my step-mom because she was always there for me not just picking and choosing stuff. I want him to be close with his mom but that's up to her to do that not me. And communication with her and I is out the window because of how she treats me like I am nothing to her son.

I know he loves me though no matter what she says...like he told me before when I asked him two years ago why he wouldn't talk to me and he told me his mom told him not to ...that he is only supposed to love his mom and nana and no one else. I told him I would love him even though he isn't allowed to love me that she can't stop me from loving him and he started to cry and gave me a big hug and said that he does love me but for me not to tell his mom...and I told him it's not good to keep secrets and that he should tell her when he wants to.

I just don't know what to do...breaks my heart...I love him as if he was one of my own even though I know that's NOT the case. I really do realize that. One more thing sorry I know this is long but her son was sick with croup laryngitis and had a script that he had to take twice a day for 10 days...well he would have been done on Sunday...which was our day with him but when we picked him up Friday she said she threw it away...I called doctors office to make to see if I had to get another script filled for the next two days and they said if he seems to be fine.(which he was) then for me not to worry to much about it but if he seems to get worse again then to call them and they would write another one right away...they thought it was bad that she did that though and was glad that I called to checkup on it. and this happened two weeks ago :( I hope someone out there can relate. I know I shouldn't have said anything to her about her telling me to have him ready even though she never does. I am human. But I feel bad about it because I am better than that.

What can I do next?

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So What Happened?

I don't grill him...I asked a question...as soon as I did as I said I wish I didn't. And when he openly tells me stuff like he didn't see his mom because she was with her boyfriend all week...how is that grilling??? Honestly there isn't much positive things to say about his mother. Because she didn't stop smoking he was born premature. I don't tell him things about his mom...he tells me. Your right he is noticing it and that breaks my heart because I remember going through that same thing.

It is hard being a step-mom. You can't just stop loving the child because they are not your child. I love him very much and glad that him and I are close. He told me that he feels I am the only one he can really talk to. Don't you find that sad?? I do. No one else takes the time to talk to him...they just set him in front of the TV after he is done doing his homework...or let him run around outside unsupervised.

And she knows when we are fighting because my husband will tell her...don't know why but he does.

And sorry but feeding him tacos when it made him sick also made the doctor mad too...I look for the best interest of my step-son and if that makes her mad then sorry but I care and love her son.

When he got his tonsils taken out when he was three she gave him Doritos and then he had to get rushed back to the hospital to get re-collateralize it.

More Answers

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L.F.

answers from San Francisco on

Wow. I am so sorry you are dealing with this kind of person. I just want to say that you are doing a great job being an awesome steady person for your stepson to rely on. It is really nice to hear that you treat him the same as your bio kids. My advice on dealing with the mom is to set your limits and be clear. If she is routinely late, tell her you need him ready one hour before you really need him ready. That way you have a better chance of him being ready about on time than chronically late. Also, you can tell your stepson that NO one can dictate who he loves and its ok to love you if he wants to. There isn't anything that will take his love away from his mom, but he can love you just as much---he doesn't have to choose. Keep up the good work with him and remember that the more stable your home life is for him, the better off he will be. I would ask the dad to go to the school and fill out an emergency card just in case with your info and his so that they have another backup.....Hang in there!

3 moms found this helpful

J.S.

answers from Hartford on

You have to remember that you're getting only part of the story from the point of view of a very small boy. You're not getting an accurate picture of what it's like in his mother's home. I haven't heard one single positive thing about the boy's mother and you think that you've only cast yourself in a glowing, maternal, loving light. Do you realize, however, that every time you ask your husband's son leading questions and grill him about differences in his two homes that you're putting that boy in a difficult and unfair position? That when you reinforce the good routines, meals, language, and letting him know you love him in your home you can do it without putting his mother down? He's learning these things on his own and doesn't need to have them pointed out.

When it comes to spending time with him when you have him you have to encourage your husband to spend a lot of one-on-one time with him. It's not enough that the boy knows you care about him... it's more important that his father be available to him and tells him he loves him. It's important that his father communicates with his son's mother as a parenting partner. He's leaving all of these issues to you and that's not fair.

2 moms found this helpful

S.L.

answers from New York on

It sounds like your husband is as much a problem in this as the bio mom. Why? If, thru counseling, you can improve your relationship with your husband and his relationship with his son, then he can work on the relationship with his son's mother.
Your husband (not you) can go to the school and ask for information to be sent to him, report cards, invitations to school events etc. If fleas are still a problem, Rub him down with all natural lavendar lotions to decrease the flea bites and give him some to take home.

2 moms found this helpful

D.F.

answers from El Paso on

Reading this broke my heart, tears in my eyes.

Im a step mom to a 7year girl(i try to visit her since im the only mother she knows even after me n her father are no longer together). An i can related except me & my ex took full custody of her. Her mother isnt alloweed to see her till she becomes of age. I guess you can keep calling child services, to check up on him maybe keep her straight. i hate to be the Witch with a B. but hey its for the child sake. If it was up to me I'd have my husbands daugther(she is 4yrs old) with me aswell. But sometimes we cant have want we want even if its for the better of a child.

Stay strong and keep being a wonderful mother to your children and your step-son.... :-)

2 moms found this helpful
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C.B.

answers from San Francisco on

Just keep being there for him. Like you say in your SWH, the older he gets the more he will understand what's really going on. NEVER say anything bad about his mother; even if he is saying things. Don't agree; say things like you are sorry he feels like that, etc., but DO NOT say his mom is wrong or anything of the sort. He will and is figuring that out all by himself. He doesn't need you to join in. He just needs you to be there to love him and support him through these years of learning who his mother really is.

You're a great stepmom for giving him the love and support he needs to grow up to be a secure adult. Doesn't sound like EITHER of his parents do that for him. He is very lucky to have you.

2 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

B.K.

answers from Albuquerque on

I think it sounds like you are doing wonderfully with him. But I also think that your DH really needs to step up, because his son is his responsibility and it's not acceptable for him to inform his ex of your private life with him.

1 mom found this helpful
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❤.M.

answers from Los Angeles on

Good for you caring and providing a good example.
Hang in there. Most likely things can get better.
Keep doing what you are doing.
Tell your stepson that when he's at his mom's house to follow her rules
so he doesn't get in trouble.
If he gets in trouble for saying prayers, he can say them silently or just to
say them at your house.
It could be a power play that she is doing but she may lighten up as he
gets older.
Keep an eye on him. You can make a call if you think he is getting
abused.
Don't worry about her making you late for things. I know it's hard and I'm sorry but it's a power play.
Let it go. Let it be. Do your best to let it go.
The bio mom may change in years to come. I dealt with something like
this on a much lighter scale but it did change. It did get better. Hang in
there and thank you for being a caring stepmom & positive role model
for this young child.

1 mom found this helpful

J.A.

answers from Indianapolis on

Why does she know if you and your husband are fighting? NO ONE knows about arguments between my husband and I. Unless I need a point-of-view from someone then I will talk to a close friend, my mom, or my MIL. But his ex does NOT need to know.

Basically, you have to remind yourself that how she deals with him is HER business. If she wants to let him stay up all night, eat tacos constantly, and wear clothes that are too small.. then so be it. She may be doing certain things just to get to you. So stop letting it bother you. This doesn't mean you need to do things her way. Just make sure he gets what he needs at your house. How old is he? At a certain age (I think 12) kids can choose who they live with.

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