I have a question about something my husband (and me) is unsure of how to handle. My husband's ex-wife has a 12 year old daughter in whom she had before my husband and her met in the past. When my husband and his ex were married, my husband became 'dad' to this girl. Her birth father is not in the picture. When my husband and his ex got divorced, it was a surprise to my husband, and he had no say in it. (she wanted the divorce and kicked him out.)She has many personal issues in which we deal with to this day because she and my husband had another daughter together and the custody is shared. This woman likes to take control wherever she can get it and unfortunately, one way she has done that is to not allow my husband to see her 12 year old. We have a few pictures of her, and even a few homemade things she has made as a little girl that he kept. We pray for her; he loves her and has always considered her his daughter. So when they divorced a few years ago and suddenly he was expected to just drop everything including her, it was obviously hard to take/accept! Ever since then, he has given her a gift on her birthday/christmas/etc. Her mom never got a restraining order (not necessary!!)for anything because her reasons for divorce and for my husband to not see the girl are silly. My husband (and I) want to continue to give gifts to her, but in no way step over any boundaries; we want this girl to know that she is loved and cared about and that my husband is a good man who never stopped loving her. In you ladies' opinion, how would you handle this- without going overboard (which has not happened) but to let this girl know she has definitely not been dismissed or uncared about?
P.S.~ She's loved not only by my husband/us, but extended family as well who she can't see.
Wow. Thank-you so much for the tips, opinions, thoughts and even your own stories to help with this situation...what a bunch of awesome, supportive ladies out there!! I am showing my husband these responses, and I think it's really helpful for us to decide what to do- to definitely keep showing this girl she's loved and at some point maybe getting a letter to her- we need to be careful with that one, though. Her mom might freak if she got her hands on it. I will be praying for God to guide us in the right direction. Thanks again, bless each of you!
I would try to keep in touch through email, presents won't mean as much as an email every few days asking how school was and the sorts.
Have him write her a heartfelt letter explaining to her that he loves her and will always be there for her if she ever needs him. Let her know that he did not abandon her, and I guess send it with the other child and have the other child give it to her if thats possible. I hope it helps, thats a tough situation. Good luck with it hun.
Having come from a background that can clearly and literally relate to this situation I would like to respond. I too am a product of divorce 3 x's over and marriage and blended families 4 x's over (the child of a parent who lived like this). Believe me when I tell you that your "christianity" can and will play a huge part in this situation. Pray dear ones pray..............could it be that is what this is purposed for in both your husband and your family's lives. I believe he wants you to be people of faith and pray until you see this through.............face it.............it could take some time to resolve but in the interim if you pray you will not need to suffer guilt for not having done your part. May I also say that this woman will be found out by her daughter one day and then the tactics she used to raise her daughter will turn to her disadvantage within their own relationship. Respect and trust will be the issues. In the process of all this you are doing right by working within the boundaries set for you. Your love and support is what will carry this young lady when her head hits the pillow at night. Your prayers will penetrate the thick wall of resistance set by your husband's X. If you truly are people of faith in Christ then get focused on prayer........remember her daily with your other daughters by enlisting them to love this other daughter/sister in the realm of prayer also. Their love can be developed and recorded through written page then lavished on this disadvantaged daughter by mail. This will reinforce the fact that she is being remembered and embraced lovingly in her absence. This is rich soil to teach and be taught the Lord's ways in. Teach 2Corinthians 6:14-18 that our relationships must (no matter how young we are) fall under his guidelines. Teach Matthew 5:31&32 for the very reasons suffered in your own family story. Teach the Word to be living and active and you will see this pan out favorably. I join you in prayer for your family. DP
My friend has gone through a similar situation, but it is his child by birth. Anyways, he has started a journal for her that he writes in as often if not daily as he can. Sharing his feelings about his love for her, how much he misses her, what he has done during the days she can not be with him. His ex-wife is telling her bad,untrue stories and lies about him to try and turn her against him. So, he hopes that when she turns 18 and maybe has a desire to look him up or try and contact him, he will be able to give her the journals he has kept so she can take them and read about his love for her and all the times through out his life that he wished he could be with her, but wasn't allowed. Hopefully, this will let her know that her dad is kind and true and wonderful, and they can then start to nourish a relationship. But the journals will show his daughter that he was always there.
Laura, Friend of the Court seems to be your best avenue.
Laura, I feel for you and your husband. My brother went through the same thing with his now ex wife. SHe had two kids and they had twin girls together. Unfortunately his ex wife kept the older two away after they divorced just to be mean. But if your husband did not adopt her then he has absolutely no legal rights to see her or even contact her if the ex does not want him to. First question? Do you know if this girl even gets the gifts etc? If you know she does and the mother does not care then continue to do so but that is all you can do for now. When she gets a little older and can make her own decisions then seek her out and talk to her and tell her how you feel and that you did all you could to stay in contact that the law would allow. If you are not sure or you know that the mother is not giving the gifts to her then I would continue to get them but maybe meet her after school sometime or at another time when you know the mother is not around and give them to her. If the mother puts a stop to it then I would do as my brother did and get the gifts and put them all in a box or something and when she is of age present them to her and inside with the gifts have a letter or note explaining. Graduation is a good time for this. That has been our experience with a situation like this. Unfortunate I know. (Also my brother would attend there school functions if possible and just make sure that they saw that he was there) games, concert etc. He never made contac twith them due to the ex wife. (She loved to involve the cops) Good luck and my prayers are with you. Mother of Three
If her mom isn't objecting to the gifts, I would keep on sending them, and at least a card often....not just birthday and Christmas. Doing the regular times may translate into her thinking this is what everyone dad does that can't be there. Try to find uniques and surprising occasions to let her know she's thought of. Like a Valentine's Day card, a St. Patrick's Day card, A Spring card, etc. Try something small each month, not necessarily a gift. A 12 year old will need to hear "words" that she is being thought of. And in a card, he can express more from his words. That way, you could also send pictures of you all, if not at least your husband. Will her mom let her call you or recieve calls?
I wish you all the hope in the world. She is a lucky girl to have someone care about her so much.
J.
i would just make sure she knows how you feel and do the same as your doing. thats letting her know that you love her and if she ever needs anything you are there for her. you both sound like swesome people keep up the good work
If your husband never legal adopted the girl, then he has no rights, unfortunately. You can keep sending her cards, with heartfelt expressions, and gifts, but do you know if she is really getting them????
Until she turns 18 and can decide for herself if she wants to spend time with you and your husband, your hands and hers are tied.
Laura,
I am one of the more laid back people i know,and I think it's just wrong for the mother to be doing that to her child. I as a parent would relish in the alone time I would get if my child were to have time with his father- especially in a loving caring environment that you seem to provide. I suggest to keep doing what you are doing. one day it will be the daughters choice- and then you will see "what goes around comes around"
If they had a strong relationship before it will always be there if he just keeps letting her know he there.
I would keep doing what you are doing and invite her to the same family thing that she would have gone to when they were together. Do not be upset if she cannot come or you do not get a reply back. Be aware that sometime she mite not see or get what you sent. My sister-in-law hates her ex so much that she would take anything he or his family sent and return it to the store for money or open it and get rid of anything that said it was from them, and then tell the kids it was from her. His parents now send everything to family members they trust, so this does not happen. I do not know if it as bad as that. I would also set up an email account on your email so she has control over it and it cannot be taken way. If she needs to she can always go to the library to use it and it will always be there. At this age kid, know more of what going on then we give then credit for. Letting her know you can be reach if she needs to is the most important thing. It gives kids a hidden feeling of security.
I feel so bad for the little girl who is being resticted from a man and family that love her, I know a lot of states are know recognizing the phycological father not just the biological, could that be a possibility? It might be worth checking into, I agree with Janet (I think that was her name) about sending things "just because". I don't get how any mom who wants the best for there child could be that way.Remember in 6 years she will be 18 and free to make her own choices, stay involved as best you can so when that day comes she will know where she can turn. Sorry I don't have more, just keep loving her!
Have you thought about offering the woman child support for the 12 year old?
I am so sorry for your pain. This young girl will not stay 12 years old forever, someday she will be able to make her own choices. Please keep setting a good example of your love by praying and mailing her cards and letters. I recently read a great idea to show someone how much you really care by donating to a charity or a church in the name of your loved one and they will send a beautiful letter/gift of appreciation in their name. I think that would prove to her that you will never forget her and she is welcome in your life for as long as you live. God bless you and your family!
First of all, I applaud your husband for trying to include his step-daughter. I would recommend that he contact the mother on these occassions and if possible, get both the monther & daughter(s) on the phone to let them know he'll be sending over a package, card, whatever and then mail the items. I would also make sure that it is addressed to the daughter and that she has to sign for it.
I mention this because I have had many friends who's mothers tried to exclude their fathers from their lives and would always tell my friends that their father was worthless and never kept promises and never tried contacting them.
Well, many years later some of these girls found out that wasn't true and you can only imagine how hard it was for them to not literally strangle their mothers for cutting their fathers out of their lives. The best reason was always, "I did it for your own good." Now, none of these men were abusiive in any way, it was simply the mothers way of controlling all situations at all times and I believe this has created huge emotional burdens for my friends.
I hope you & your husband continue to include his former step-daughter and I hope she is smart enough to figure her mother out and most importantly, I hope she becomes her own person and accepts and appreciates your trying to include her.
Perhaps he should send her a hand written message explaining how he feels or bette yet, getting on the phone with the mother & daughter, telling them of his intent and asking for permission from the daughter for his future contacts because he also needs to take into consideration how this child feels. Perhaps, as hard as it may be to hear this, she will not want him to contact her.
I wish you all the best with this situation.
I like the journal idea. Start a blog that she can check anytime she wants.
Hi Laura,
I agree with the other moms. Send cards to her often. In each letter make sure she knows that you both love her and if she ever needs anything to call. Will her mom let her talk to you on the phone? Either way I would make sure she knows your number. I can't imagine why any mother would stop a good relationship with their child. As one of the other moms said she will be able to make some of her own decisions soon and hopefully she will want to see you both. Good luck.
Chris
If the girls mother allows the gifts, than by all means keep giving them. When she is old enough, you may find her on your door step looking for that love that she isn't getting from her mother. Letters of encouragement and love will also help her know that she is loved by other people.
Good luck
