Grandma Returns Gift

I would look for signs that this grandma may be having senility problems, alzheimers, or some other age related problem. It may not be you at all, but a problem with her aging and becoming forgetful.

K.,

Is there someone else that you can call and talk with?

When I was a little child my best friend's grandma "adopted me" and would send cards every birthday. As an adult I finally decided to send her a thank you. I heard nothing back.
Finally a card came explaining that she had passed away.

Is this a possibility?
Sincerely, C.

I have had relationships over the years that didn't go well with my extended family for various reasons. When I got married, I decided that all I can do is what I can do. You are not responsible for their reactions. For instance, with my Grandmother, I began to send her cards at Christmas and Mother's Day. Just in recent years, have I begun to get a card back...so it must be working?? I also call when I am in town to see if they are up for a visit(once). It was a short visit but, it was nice for the kiddos to meet their Grandmother and Step Grandfather. If it doesn't work, I know that I did what I could and I have no regrets about trying to keep the relationship. Just my thoughts! So, that said, I would send her a card at Mother's Day with pics of the kiddos and leave it at that. If she returns it, you did what you could. No use getting in her face about it. Prayer works better:) Try to stay positive in the cards that you send. If you and her had a falling out between the two of you and there is something that you did do, you might appologize for that in a letter; however, if it wasn't something between the 'two of you' I would not appologize and just let her know you love her. That is all you can do. Your gift was a good effort on your part...if she doesn't want to accept it, that is her issue. You tried.

I would call her and tell her, and the cousin, that you were disapointed that the card was returned and that if you have done something unknowingly to offend them, you are sorry, but that you are trying to stay connected to her for your children's sake. and then flat out ask if you should continue or not. I agree with you that it is important for kids to know their families and stay conected with them. I would stress that even though you care about your relationship with her that your children's relationship with her is what is most important, but on the other hand you will not them be hurt by having things returned, etc.
You may be surprised and she may no nothing about it, the cousin could have returned it without her even knowing. I have noticed in my experience that it is usually the extended family that feels 'threatened' by these 'outside' relationships. (We recently went through this with my cousin's ex wife and children reconecting with my grandmother, We had to convince other family members that it is not a bad thing!!) I hope this helps. Good Luck and God Bless!

It's hard to say, since you have done this for so long. Could the Father have been there when the gift arrived and refused it? Is she ill or has something changed in her life that would bring on the change? My sister has continued family relations w/her daughters' family and it has been going well for them for the most part and has been five years. Sometimes communication lines get crossed, but they seem to figure things out.
I would not tell the child, just so feelings don't get hurt if you can help it.

I am not sure what the present was, nor does she, but was it something bought? Maybe just having you child draw her a picture, make her cookies, candies, or a hand print, something homemade from the child. I wouldn't call it quits on her just yet, if this is the first time it has happened. She maybe concerned for other reasons and just trying to say don't spend your money on me... My grandparents and mother just don't want anymore stuff...So if they receive something lots of times if it isn't instantly usable they regift it or it goes into a junk room. We tend to give grandmas picture, tea or homemade cards- When it comes to picture we bought a frame and sent a picture in it and now we send the same size picture each year so they just can replace the photo if they want (less stuff for them), and most of them seem to prefer it this way. With the ones you communicate with regularly you already now this.

Good Luck- if it keeps up, i would say let her make the next move, but just once I wouldn't give up quit so easily. And continue to talk positive about grandma with your child. Even if she severs the ties. She just may not be able to handle it but your chlid needs to her positive things about daddy and grandmas and the people in her life-

I feel for you, First of all you are trying to do a good thing by keeping the family ties open it is unfortunate that some people act the way they act, Honestly in the long run the childeren or child is the one that loses here I have two childeren from my first relationship I was with there Dad close to 13 years and thought I had a great realonship with his parents we always were very close tell we split a short time later his father died and WOW big wake up call for me, When we came around exspecially the childeren it was like we never exisited you wonder why then you get sad and for me I got angery You have to know its her lose your doing a wonderful job. Make sure your child knows it has nothing to do with him and how special he/she is eventully they found out who and what real family is all about.
As for the Grandma she probaly is siding with her son and feels she needs to be loyal or on his side little do they know that when it comes to childeren the only side there should be is the childern's side.
Good luck to you and your family

It's really difficult to answer this question without more information, I'd suggest you ask her.

Okay, obviously since her son is no longer involved in your childs life, she is siding with her son for whatever reason and is returning your gift because she's angry with you and this is her way of showing you that she's angry and doesn't want a relationship to form. If she wants nothing to do with your or your kids, then that's her loss, I'd just write her off, and maybe someday if she wants a relationship, she'll come around and apologize.

I had somewhat of a similar situation. My husband's family treated me more like family then my own family. After things didn't work out (he wanted a wife and a girlfriend) we went our seperate ways. Things were fine and then one day, they started ignoring me completely. I was really hurt by this and found out years later that their daughter told them lies about me and they believed her. Who knows why she does what she does. I think it's nice that you have been making efforts to continue to include her in her grandson's life. You can't make her accept it.

Hi K.,
I would write her a letter, ask if something has happened you don't know of that has caused this rift, let her know you want your son to know that side of the family and that you are mistified to what is going on. If she doesn't reply I think you drop it with her.
S. M

Being that it is the ex's side, I think I agree with a previous advice, send her a note in the mail, then it is in her ball park for the next move. You can't force her to have a relationship with your child. Without more info, it sounds like there may be something happening between the father and his mother. Has she moved? Good luck.

My MIL does this to my husband and I all the time. We usually get a follow-up phone call where she yells at him, but god forbid we dislike some of the totally inappropriate gifts she sends. For example, sending size 5T clothes for our 2yo who has severe weight gain issues (below the .01 percentile). Her response? "Just keep it, they fit soon!" Ugh!!!! WTH?

Ok, enough venting. It is worth trying to save the relationship, especially if this is the first time she's done this. She's family, and it good modeling for your kids.

I agree with all the advice about asking HER why it was returned; you can't make assumptions without messing things up.
I just wanted to add: keep trying to build a relationship between your son and his grandma. My parents divorced when I was very little. At first, there was not contact, then eventually a card for Christmas from my grandmother. That was it - I never met her, she died over 10 years ago and I now regret the lost opportunity. If nothing else, keep sending cards for holidays and birthdays. Have your son pick out the cards and sign them, address the envelop, etc. Or even make the card. It will help them feel a connection even if you aren't really part of it.

I am still on good terms with my ex's family. For the sake of the kids I think it is crucial. I get frustrated as my kids have only one close uncle, my brother and he is not married and no kids so they have no cousins. My ex's brother is like 28 and has only met my son when he was first born, never calls them, nothing. It is sad. I have invited him to visit a million times. I am more in touch and talk to my ex father in law more then my ex mother in law however (they are divorced). If we haven't heard from my ex mother in law I will have my kids call her and leave her a message, she usually calls back.
I am sorry she returned your gift. Send her a nice note explaining that you got something for her it was purely because you care about her and want her to continue to be in your son's life. She doesn't have to respond and you did your best initiating something. I cannot say why should would do this but you being the bigger person and keeping the lines open is fantastic!

Without knowing anything about the grandmother or what the gift was, it would be very hard to guess why she would send it back. Have you asked HER why she returned it? It might be a very simple explanation or if it's more complicated, you should discuss it with her anyway.

I think you are doing the right thing by your child. Perhaps there was some confusion with the gift if this has never happened before. Maybe you could ask the cousin for an explanation. You can't force a relationship but she still is your child's grandmother. It sounds like you are doing your part if she doesn't want a relationship then that should come from her. I have a stepbrother that is very close to a stepmom that is no longer married to his father. The decision should be made between the two. I commend you for allowing your child to keep the relationships alive between his side of the family; many people are not big enough to do so. Good luck!