9 Year Old Boy Needs Constant Direction in Manners

Updated on April 12, 2008
S.F. asks from Charlotte, NC
5 answers

Our 9yo has been diagnosed w/ mood disorder and ADHD. We've known this for some time, and have been in close contact and treatment with his doctors since he was in Kindergarten. Right now, as a stay at home mom/work from home mom, I've really got to my limit with him on reminding him of his manners. This ranges from anything social, to general 'good manners'. Examples: chewing with mouth wide open and showing food, totally gross, and DOES KNOW HOW to eat properly... blowing his nose when he needs too, he clearly realizes he has to blow his nose, and sits and makes gross noises with his nose and the 'stuff' in it and waits until one of us tells him to go do it... and this one aggrivates me to NO END - waiting to pee or poop. WHAT IS THIS ABOUT? I've gone so far as to explain to him that he can get a urinary tract infection if he insists on holding his urine, it's not scare tactics - it's the truth! He will dance around, squirm, and almost pee himself before he'll go.

It's as if with all of these behaviors he is just waiting on us to tell him to do it because he's too lazy to do it without prompting. I read Love and Logic Parenting by Jim Faye and LOVE the concept and we really are trying our best to use those tactics in our parenting now. The consequence for actions, etc., but how do we enforce him wanting to be a better 'him'? How do we get him to be more responsible for himself, and his needs?? Do we let him sit and suck the 'stuff' in his nose until one of us actually gets sick (it's disgusting)? Do we let him urinate on himself as a result of holding his pee? Do we require him to eat in another room if he's going to eat like a slob? I want some creative ideas on how to handle this; he's a very stubborn and spirited child, so he tends to create ways around our rules. He has always been the child to hear you say 'no running in the hallway' (because that would be where he was running at the time) and then challenge us later when running in the kitchen by saying 'you didn't say no running in the kitchen' - so we've seriously modified our house rules to this type of mentality. No running indoors - unless you're at a gym.
No yelling indoors, unless there's an emergency, or you're at a gym....

He's very literal, and see's things in black and white - there's no gray.

Thanks in advance for positive advice and responses to my question, in the past I've posted requests and received negative comments about how I raise my kids, or completetly off subject which is discouraging in general.

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G.S.

answers from Charlotte on

My mom still nags me about how I hold my pee too long. (TMI?) But, starting at about 8 or 9 I would hold it and hold it until I would leak and have to change my clothes. I don't have any clue why I did that. I did it for 2 or 3 years though. And as I said, I still hold it way too long.

My brothers are gross (13 and 18 now). No matter how many times you tell them they NEVER put the seat down, wash their hands, chew with their mouths closed, etc. etc. etc. But since my 18 year old brother got a serious girlfriend, he started making a conscious effort to brush his teeth, shower, etc. without being told.
Maybe that is what being a boy is. I don't know.
Curious- is your son in many sports? Because maybe he needs some physical release to get some energy out.

Baby is crying - will type more soon.

1 mom found this helpful
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S.F.

answers from Memphis on

Sarah,

I suspect the ADHD is the key. He may not even be aware of his behaviors until you and your husband point them out, even though you may have told him a million times. ;) I doubt he's doing it to irk you. Like you said, he's very literal. When you explain the rules for a situation you can't cover all the bases, all the variations is situations. And he can't make the connections in order to translate the rules to different situations. It sounds like you are working hard with him. Bring these specific examples up to his doctors and see if they have suggestions. Does he get any special services at school, due to his ADHD/mood disorder? If he has a "behavior tech", talk to her. Good luck!

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J.W.

answers from Lexington on

"The rule is...."

My suggestion is to be firm and make rules succinct and simple. "The rule is you chew with your mouth closed at the table." Next - how do you enforce that rule? Differently for different children. For my fairly well-behaved older daughter, who was motivated by things like money, I would do something like give her a stack of quarters on the table. Every time she disobeyed that rule, I would have her put one quarter in a special "yuck" container. At the end of the week, she could keep the remaining quarters. Of course, I would clearly explain the rules before-hand.

If I had a child like one of my brothers ;-) I would have done something like given him 3 tokens stuck to the fridge to use as a "free pass" for the week -- Each time he chewed with the mouth open he would have to go get one token off the fridge to give you. Once he lost the third token, there were no more chances -- chew with mouth open and go directly to your room -- meal over for him.

Or... a variation of that with tokens and priveledges taken or priviledges earned back...

But which ever method, I would only work on 1-2 specific problems at a time.

1 mom found this helpful
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K.M.

answers from Jacksonville on

I have a daughter who is 11 with ADHD. She has some of the same social behaviors as your son. I think this has more to do with ADHD then gender. I have found that it is best to ignore the less irritating behavior, remind her of the seriously irritating and PRAISE, PRAISE, PRAISE the slightest correct behavior. Example: Please don't shove food into your mouth. I'll tell her once(being calm), twice(being calm), than the 3rd time I tell her she needs to go to her room for 5 minutes (being calm.) When she comes back she ususally slows down and takes smaller bites. Than I praise her for taking smaller bites and using her manners. This also works well on the kids in my Sunday School class who have ADD or ADHD. I found this in a book called "Boundaries with Kids" by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend. It is a Christian based book (I don't know your faith) and can be ordered online for $12.99. It also has a wonderful section on getting kids to clean up their stuff, which works like a charm!

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D.B.

answers from Charlotte on

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1 mom found this helpful
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