My Oldest Is a Sloppy Eater, Help.

Just leave her alone. The more you ride her the more she will buck you. In the scheme of important things this does not even register.

Don't make this a huge issue at the dinner table. But here are some things to help with it. Get her a plate that has sections and give her a table spoon of each thing at a time. if she has a huge mound of mashed potatoes its going to happen but if she has 1 or 2 small spoonfuls it should not be an issue. Put a place mat under her plate that is plastic that can be wiped easily. Put a newspaper down under and around her chair. and when she asks why tell her you want her manners to get better and that until she is able to eat without getting both the place mat dirty and the newspaper dirty it has to be there. and leave it at that. Maybe work out a reward system where she has 7 nights of clean area both up and down and she gets a small treat. Also consider sometimes negative attention is better than no attention and she might without even being conscious of it be doing it.

My suggestion, practice eating when it isn't mealtime (less pressure and less distraction). Practice using utensils on food substitutes of different textures - play dough, card board, damp shredded paper, water, moon sand, sand.

Finally, I suggest that you bite your tongue re: her table manners for at least 2 weeks. When that space of time has passed, praise her for any positive accomplishment. You need to first clean the slate, then change the dynamic of the conversation so it is less nagging and negative and more positive reinforcement.

Best,
F. B.

I would back off a bit, but hold her responsible for the mess she makes. Let her eat however she wants, but she has to clean the table, floor, and her chair when she is done.

You could also try concentrating on one thing at a time... Get her to stop chewing with her mouth open, and once she gets better about that add in another manner. Ignore everything else. It's possible that she is feeling overwhelmed with all the manners that don't come naturally to her, that her mind just completely shuts down to even trying to keep up.

For what it's worth, my little sister was that way... She got better as she aged, and by the time she was in jr. high was eating with decent table manners.

I suggest that you try ignoring her eating for a month and see what happens. Perhaps she is feeling stress. I know when someone focuses on one thing I do I have difficulty correcting it. Tell her you know she can use acceptable table manners and are letting her figure out how to do it. Then stop paying attention.

My sister is a natural spiller.
If there's a liquid within 5 feet of her somehow it WILL be spilled.
She's always been like that and still is even in her 50's.
The only thing that helps is if she drinks from water bottles (she can screw the top on in between drinking).
The bottle still gets knocked over but with the top on there's no harm done.
She plays flute, guitar and piano, has no physical problems but she just throws herself around when moving and talks with her hands (moves them around a lot when conversing).

Is it just a spoon your daughter has trouble with?
Can she stab her food well with a fork?
Does she eat finger foods neatly (pizza, chicken wings, biscuits, toast)?
Does she take small bites or does she wolf her food down?
I myself tend to use a soup spoon for most eating purposes (more than just soups) and just use tea spoons for stirring my tea or coffee.
It could be the shape of you usual spoons that are giving her trouble.

Also - people tend to be more picky with girls and table manners.
If an 8 yr old boy has this same trouble - no one thinks much about it.
Girls we like to think of as dainty little things and not every girl will fit into that ideal image.
Continue to work with her one on one.

Maybe give her a napkin ring to play with?
If she has something to handle in between taking bites with fork/knife/spoon maybe her food will stay more on the plate and less every where else.
I'm just brain storming here and maybe it's a bad idea but if it's a tactile thing and has to play with something while eating then maybe having her put down the cutlery while not actively eating so she can pick up something else in between bites might keep her from waving her spoon around.

I really think you need to chill. Some people are simply messy eaters, but it's not something they do on purpose!

I only drink out of straw cups because I tend to knock things over. If I come to bed when my husband is already asleep I try so hard to be quiet. I swear things jump out at me and get knocked down or maybe I just don't notice and then bump things and they fall down. It does seem like the harder I try, the more things I bump into.

Please back off. She's not doing this on purpose. I think you need to just accept her for who she is. She may never be a neat eater. This is not the end of the world. Teach her how to cleanup around her place when she's done. Maybe one of her chores can be wiping off the table and sweeping under it after meals. It would lighten your load a bit. It might even raise her awareness. She might try a little harder so she doesn't have as much to clean up.

Whatever you do, please cut her some slack. This is just not that big a deal.

sigh. my answer will depress you.
i never found a cure.
it still baffles me. my husband and i eat nicely. my younger has table manners. my little mumsie, a proper brit, would give my boys etiquette lessons when they went to stay with her.
and yet my older son continued, and continues to this day at 27, to eat like a bear. not so much the mess around him, happily, but mouth open and noises that cause me to get up and leave the room sometimes.
i hope someone else is able to help you. wish they'd been able to help ME!
:X khairete
S.

I feel your pain. My younger one (9 yr old son) I swear must eat like he is Cookie Monster with the amount of food that ends up around his plate and on the floor. I wish I had some insight for you, but I don't.

The dog certainly knows whose chair to park next to at dinner time though.

She may grow out of this, and her parents may live to see it happen. My older granddaughters have all gone through sloppy (and fidgety) stages. Eventually they become aware of the difference between what they're doing and what they need to do. My children went through this, too, and I don't want to think of what I was probably like at eight years!

In the old Betty McDonald MRS. PIGGLE-WIGGLE books is a delightful story about a boy who learns table manners from a large pig. If you think your girl would enjoy it, read it with her. If she will feel that you're shaming her, don't do it.

Do let her know that table manners are learned skills; nobody is born knowing how to do it. She WILL learn. In the meantime, you might lay off the correction during family dinner time. Ask her to do her best, but - just as if she were a guest in your home - don't call her on the carpet during supper. Talk with her privately about her manners, or have your own private "manners meals" once in a while, just the two of you. A family meal might be just too public for your girl... and there are good manners as far as people are treated, too.

I have no idea. My 8 year old son is pretty much the same way. The only good thing is that he has improved greatly at restaurants - I think because he pays attention there and at home he is just paying attention to the conversation. We joke with him that we won't be able to feed him in front of the grandparents.

Did you know that the act of chewing in your mouth requires the coordination of 26 muscles? Then she has to coordinate the food on the spoon or fork, and if she isn't paying attention for whatever reason, she might not be able to do all of that at one time. If this is something that is really bothering you, and it probably has given her a complex, you might need to seek the help of a feeding specialist or an OT.

Please don't pick on her anymore, it seems so mean and obviously after 8 years, it isn't something that she is going to be able to correct on her own. I am sure this is affecting her self esteem and her relationship to food, which could lead to an eating disorder.

My youngest is like this. He's 11 and it's definitely gotten better. It was bad at 8.

We use one or two word reminders. "Elbows." "Fork down." "Hands."

One of the things that has really helped is the rule that when chewing we put our forks down and hands in our lap. And if only one hand is being used (fork or spoon), the other is on the lap, not messing with things on the table. Having hands and arms off the table does make a big difference. If hands are not on the table while chewing, then forks are not being twirled, hair is not being played with, things are not being touched. :)

Good luck! I know it seems frustrating, but stick with it. It does get better.

My oldest is 14 and is a super messy eater. Basically I taught him to wash his face after a meal and use the broom underneath his seat to clean up his crumbs. Having him clean up is much more effective than nagging him to eat differently.

Your daughter's habits sound similar to some things my son does. He has some mild neurological quirks. Your daughter might too. Nothing to be alarmed about, just requires different parenting and expectations.

How is her eyesight? It was not until 4th grade we realized I needed glasses

How is her eye hand coordination?
What does her handwriting look like?
Is she taking time between bites to chew with her mouth closed and then stab another piece of food?

Does she help prepare food? Might be a good time to work with her on cutting up fruit for fruit salad, then move up to raw vegetables.

Hand strength is important and many children need a bit of therapy to build it up. You can work with her.

Have her slow down when eating.
Make sure her chair is high enough for her to sit at a good height at the table, make sure her plate is close to her. Even if you have to have her sit on a different chair or plaice something on the chair so she can actually reach her food easier, could be she is too short to sit at a good height.

Make sure she knows to make small enough portions when cutting her food. Example if she is eating fresh salad, explain that she should only place 1 or 2 pieces on her fork for a mouthful. That cherry tomatoes are easier when cut into pieces. Take a bite of a baby carrot or cut off a bite with the fork and knife do not try to place the whole thing in her mouth.
She needs to finish chewing and swallowing before she places another portion on her fork.

If food falls and lands on the table, work with her to pick it up from the table or wipe it up at that moment and place it on the side of the plate.

Instead of a bowl of soup or cereal give her a mug to eat from. Guide her in getting the spoon to her mouth without it spilling.

Place small portions on her plate to begin with.

My sister is a loud eater. It is embarrassing. She is almost 50, but thinks it is other peoples problem and has not tried to change.

I am amazed because she is so critical of other peoples behaviors.

I would just keep trying with her. Pick the worst thing and work on that with her for a time. Problem-solve with her. Does she need a smaller spoon? Or a bigger handle? If she leaves a mess behind, make it a thing for all the kids to bus their own place - take the dishes to the sink, and clean up any debris. That way it's just part of the routine. My DD loves to use the dust buster.

I would also talk to your ex about showing vs yelling. My DD has a really hard time with salad. She eats it plain, and prefers to eat it with her fingers. When asked, she says, "I can't get it on the fork". We changed forks (she likes her colorful forks from IKEA but metal work better) and we encourage her to try. To move rice to a spoon, we encourage her to use a fork or knife, and show her how.

I would also look at things like her schoolwork. Is she a daydreamer? If so, you might need to quietly remind her to focus. My DD is a daydreamer and does best if sat near her father or I. If she is not sitting next to you where you can quietly nudge her, can you move seats?

For many years my SD would spill a drink. So much so, that there is a permanent line in our carpet under the crack in the table. SD still crashes through life - big arms, big motions, flailing everywhere. But she's reined it in enough that she doesn't spill drinks anymore. It just took a loooong time, half-glasses, and reminders to watch what she was doing. Your DD will get there.

ETA: Suz T., my stepson still chews loudly and "smacks" when he does. He's an adult. It's cringeworthy. He's a fine person in many other ways except chewing.

I think the idea about evaluating whether she has trouble with certain types of utensils is a good one -- watch very closely, or switch her utensils, and see if maybe she is neater with a spoon than with a fork, for instance. And yes, give her a small object that she can fidget with under the table if that helps her focus. She already knows that she is a sloppy eater, and you mention that she is "sad" when called out for it, so you can go ahead and be open with her that the "fidget object" is something to help her avoid moving utensils around between bites. Meanwhile, if you can do without that centerpiece, coasters, whatever on the table at home, do it - keep the eating table pretty much clear of everything except absolute essentials (plates, ONE utensil for her, and her drinking glass).

Another thought: Would she go for an etiquette class? In our area there are regularly one-day "classes" for kids on basic etiquette. These cover, in a fun way, things like making introductions politely, and, yes, table manners. Our community center holds these (provided by a local company) and I've seen such things for years around our area. I'm not talking here about some formal cotillion thing or an ongoing class week after week -- just a fun, one-Saturday half-day thing she could do with a good friend. I would absolutely not announce it to her as "This is to help with your sloppy eating habits" but would present it as a fun outing (parents usually do not attend so pitch it as something different to do with a friend, or if she's in something like Girl Scouts suggest it as a troop activity, etc.). Girls her age often become very conscious of their appearances and what others think of them so you may be able to use that to get her to think more about how she eats, and a fun class could reinforce that.

We spent the weekend with our niece whom we see only about once a year due to distances, and I was sorry to see that, at 14, she still eats like she's three -- mouth wide open on every bite, tearing up pancakes with her hands, scraping gravy off plates with her fingers and licking them. This is everywhere -- at home or at a fancy restaurant. Her parents just figure it doesn't matter, and always have, but I wonder how she'll react the first time she eats like that in a college dining hall and some blunt fellow students tell her she's gross....So I think you are right to work on this with your daughter now and not just let it go. Criticism and anger won't help but thinking outside the box about things like a fidget object could be good. She may just outgrow it, but don't depend on that -- I think that's what my niece's parents did and it did not work!

Two things come to mind:
-she's antsy
and
-maybe just oblivious to those around her when she's eating.
My SD would chew with her mouth open. Even her friend mentioned
something at the table once. They were only 6 yrs old.
Finally at the age of 14, it stopped.
I think she was oblivious to things around her.
I would say just to keep reminding her & let her fidget w/something like
her napkin, or napkin ring holder, coaster etc.
Some kids just have a hard time sitting still.
She'll grow out of it.
One thing I noticed in your post is that you seem to be correcting her A
Lot while she's eating. Maybe just pick 2 things you correct her on like
"chew with your mouth closed" and "please don't slurp". Try not to throw
in too many directives that she is lost.
How about putting on some nice, low relaxing music to be heard softly
in the background for relaxation?
Give her a placemat of her own.
Realize she is not trying to make you mad or destroy your kitchen. She is
just a kid happily eatiing enjoying her time w/her family. She is just
oblivious. Keep GENTLY reminding her (trying to keep your cool....I know it's challenging.....believe me) & with time know she will calm down.
Your words of reminder will eventually click!!

Sounds frustrating. I'd have already established proper table manners and let her learn natural consequences.

Kids that don't use proper table manners don't sit with the rest of the family.

Kids that make messes at the table sit by themselves at a chair and table with a shower curtain under them then they clean up their mess themselves.

Kids that use their fingers to eat their food do not get food that needs utensils. They get finger foods only.

And so forth.

What you and hubby need to do is sit down together and make up a set of meal time rules.

Simple and to the point. For instance, if you have a rule that says NO HANDS ON FOOD then you have pizza. Are you going to sit there and force everyone to use a knife and fork? You have to be simple and basic.

I suggest once you have them set that you have a family home/game evening. Have the kids draw pictures of kids eating according to the specific rule. Then if they do well cut out their pictures and glue them next to that rule.

Then post them by the table for everyone to see. Having the consequences written underneath is also a way to do this too. That way the other kids will catch her and peer pressure will teach her also.

I don't know what to tell you, but I'm convince my 8 year old boy doesn't have feeling in his face when he eats. He ALWAYS gets food on his cheeks, chin, lips, nose and it just stays there until I remind him to wash his face after eating. He doesn't even feel it. It's not like it's a crumb, its peanut butter, jelly, BBQ sauce, chocolate, anything we are eating. He just seems to dive into his food and has no idea what he's doing. He doesn't look particularly messy when he eats, but he manages to get it all over his face and hands.

My daughter has been a neat, clean eater all her life. So funny how different they are.

It's probably a concentration and habit issue for my son. I think he bites his sandwiches in the middle and they wrap around his face, rather than biting delicately on the ends. I try to remind him, but he goes back to his regular method if I'm not paying attention. Maybe we need to start reward charts for cleanliness. :) Clean kid after eating = a star on the calendar. 1 week of stars = something fun with mom and dad. That kind of reward system usually works well for my kids.