At Wits End with Two Year Old!!!!!

You could try a rewards chart. At two it is hard to explain why their behavior is upsetting. I think it is just the way two-year olds are, and he will outgrow it. My two-year old started off with a bang, and he has since learned he doesn't get away with things - oh he still tries, but we get after him each time. It is frustrating, but you just have to keep at it. When my two-year old tries to do the scream - or any of my kids we make them go to their room and have their fit. They can have it but I don't want to hear it.

sounds like my 4 yr old! he started talking back to me at age 2. i think what it is, is that they are just too smart for their own good! like what he just did to me now, i told him something that he didn't care to hear, he just said blah blah blah. WHAT 4 YR OLD KNOWS TO SAY THAT!!! cause i don't say that to anyone and neither does my husband! and that is what he has always said or roll his eyes. once i was cleaning his room this is probably when it started happening he comes in his room and tells me to get out that it is his room and he needed his privacy! he seriously was not older than 2! and when i would ask him to do something like pick up his toys or whatever he would say what mom i can't hear you, so i would say it again thinking nothing of it, and he would say it again, what mom i can't hear you, so i would say it again, etc.! it is frustrating i know that! try to send him to his room when he starts throwing fits or starts crying. tell him you can not hear him when he is crying or talking back. and i know this sounds really childish but i konw with my son he is always trying to protect me, and take care of me. so maybe try and pretend to be sad that he is acting this way.? i have to do that sometimes. and it does work. but i wouldn't use it all the time! cause it kind of teaches them that all he has to do it act sad and he gets what he wants. good luck

It sounds to me like he's trying to get a reaction out of you. Do you pay a lot of attention to him when he's being good? Try paying attention to him ONLY when he's good, and calmly correcting him when he's bad, but keeping your reaction to a minimum

For example, our daughter started the "pushing at the table thing/putting her feet on the table thing." We calmly said "if you push at the table, we'll have to move you so you can't do that, because you can tip yourself over and hurt yourself." She did, we did. She screeched. We reiterated, and said "if you want to sit at the table, you have to not push." She (of course) pushed the table once again, and got removed again. But we never raised our voice or gave her any "satisfying reaction." We also completely ignored her reaction except to calmly restate "you can't do this." After two times, we were done. She's learned that when we say something serious we really mean it, so she doesn't bother pushing. Of course all our hard and fast rules are related to safety, so there's very little tempation to give in!

I don't believe time outs work yet, because they aren't enough associated with the action. Decide what is important, quickly enforce the consequence (usually for us its removal from the situation) and then make sure you stick to your guns. If there's a full blown fit, make sure he isn't going to hurt himself and then ignore him.

And again, make sure there's LOTS of positive reinforcement.
And good luck! Remember, his job is to make you crazy!

Sometimes it takes awhile till you see results. ESPECIALLY if he's strong willed. He is determined.

If my son was pushing on the table with his feet, I would put him down too. He is entitled to his feelings - he doesn't HAVE to be happy about it. It is also fair that he not hold everyone else hostage while he expresses said feelings, so he would need to go somewhere else until he's ready to be calm.

I would expect this to repeat until he is sure that the rule is a real rule. There is an awesome analogy here: http://www.angelfire.com/ar2/debbiemom/fences.html that helps me understand that temperament.

One thing to get good at, and this was my best help, is to learn to approach things differently so that they aren't a you-do-this thing because the reaction is most often "no". It doesn't mean cow-towing to him at all. It means rethinking the same thing. One great start is the book "Playful Parenting". You can also look on youtube for Harvey Karp and Lawrence Cohen.

good luck! these buggers are tough nuts! But they will be strong adults and these characteristics will one day server them well -- if they live that long. :)

LOL! Sorry but this brought back memories of my son! Boy they can be testy! I totally agree with your approach to discipline. You might want to try one immediate action. Maybe take him away from the table and out of the room for his two minute time out. Don't count, or ask him to stop or threaten time out just take him by the hand in silence to time out every time he kicks the table. (It took my husband and I long time to realize that our little guy was thriving on the attention we were giving him even though it was negative.) Then when he comes back to the table you could say something positive like "wow you really look like a big boy when you sit nicely at the table" and if he kicks it again (and you know he will) you can repeat the silent walk to time out. Took us dozens of attempts but it eventually did work. He finally realized he was getting more attention for being good. Might work for the screaming too!

It does get better. My now 16 year old son was a lot like that. He liked to open my oven and stand on the door, obviously I didn't use my oven much, so it was always cold when he did this. I tried time outs, spanking, taking things away, nothing worked. One day, I just ignored him. He stood there for a few minutes and once he realized he wasn't going to get a reaction out of me, he got off, closed the door and never even opened it again. What worked for me with him was just ignoring him, (as long as he wasn't doing anything that would hurt him). I referred to my son as "Dennis the Menace". I think he just wanted my attention. Now, we can laugh about it, but at the time, I was ready to pull my hair out with him.

Welcome to the reason it's called the 'terrible twos'... Bad part is... They don't end until they're 4 usually.

I quit putting my 2yr old in a booster or high chair. He 'sits' on his knees on the chair and eats happily now.

Sometimes, I'll lay a vinyl tablecloth down on the floor in the livingroom and we eat our 'picnic' there. When you change up the scenery once in a while, it keeps their interest peaked. We're still all eating together... Just we do different places sometimes.

When it's nice out, we will BBQ and eat outside.

Him screaming is the only way he knows how to show his frustration. That's going to happen. Time-outs don't always work for kids either. They did with my daughter but not my son. Try a different discipline tactic.

Hi 3. B.,
If I could offer some reflection, it sounds like you are doing a lot of “telling” him things you want to see happen. He needs to have some consequences, immediately, for what he does, when he does them, so that he will stop. The consequences DON”T HAVE TO BE time outs. I think that time-outs can be an alternative that is sometimes effective. But sometimes, depending on when and how they are used/discussed etc. they can also be completely ineffectual.
For example - the parent who told her daughter “If you push at the table, we will have to move you so you can’t do that…” was telling daughter what to expect if she chose to do that action again. Daughter tried, parent followed through, and after about 2 tries, daughter stopped doing it.
So, in your case, if time outs aren’t working, you need to find some kind of leverage - some alternative that seems reasonable to the child and also a choice that is less desireable than sitting at the table with you, his parent whom he loves and underneath it all, wants to be close to.
Another thing you can do is try to make it really fun to do as you ask. Maybe offer a special meal-time toy (car? - have you seen those spoon/forks that have fire engines for handles? ) Something that makes him feel special and a Big Boy for sitting at the table. You can show it to him, and discuss how exciting it is, and then set the standard for what you want to see him doing in order for him to eat with the special toy/utensil/plate whatever. ie. “You can have this toy if you follow our rules for eating politely at the table like a gentleman. Can you tell me what the rules are that we expect? We keep our feet calm below our seat. We put food in our mouth and chew with our mouth closed. We treat our plates and cups and forks and spoons with respect so they don’t get bonked on people or each other. We use two hands to drink with our cup all by ourself so we don’t spill. etc.
Notice here that the word “no” is NOT USED in the rules. It tells your boy what you REALLY want to see, so frames it positively. You can even mention how happy it makes you when see him following good behavior at the table.
Thanks for letting me write this, it helped me to process how some of my own behavior (giving too many chances) may be contributing to my own son not listening to me well. I have a 4 year old who does observe good table manners (praise g*d!) but he has moved on to test me in other ways where I guess I am more fuzzy on what the rules are myself so I don't follow through well enough myself...Good luck. I can tell you are a really caring parent who wants to do the best by your child. Just remember that at this stage in their life they are looking to push and test the boundaries to see what flies and what doesn’t.

Oh, and PS. I just thought of it - the other thing I was thinking to say is that if the boy's feet are constantly positioned so that he can easily kick the table maybe that is his physical (because boys are a bit less verbal and more physical at this age than girls) way of telling you that his feet are bumping the table. Maybe it is time to move him into a real chair where he has to dangle them down and stretch his body up so that his head can come above the table to eat. I never had a high chair in our house for either child (I have 2) and I think that sometimes that makes them pay more attention when they have to be in charge of their own bodies not falling out of the chair.

Finally, I know it may be easy to feel like NOTHING IS WORKING, but do try to just take each situation as a puzzle not as something that reflects back negatively on your child's overall character. I'm with you, I happen to think most kids are waaay smarter than their parents usually give them credit for. I have found the best behavior comes from my kids when I treat them like they are a real person who may have needs and wants different than mine that they may not be able to verbalize well. If you child reallly realllly reallly likes to kick, give him an opportunity to do that elsewhere, not at the table - like a wall? or a special kicking pillow? A soccer ball!!! :) Good luck.

Same boat. Sorry, can't really help. Time outs have been useless lately. I have a 2 1/2 yr. son & a niece that just turned 3 that I'm taking care of 4 days a week at the moment. I tell myself everyday that I'm glad I didn't have twins. Sometimes they're great, but a lot of times one will flip out & then the other. They'll play & share, and then all of a sudden they're fighting.

I find if i give them "alone time" it sometimes help them calm down if they're freaking out & not listening. There is NO reasoning with a 2 yr. old in mid-tantrum. Holding & comforting has never helped w/ my son. It actually makes the situation worse. So, i just stick him (or my niece) in his bed & tell him he can come out when he's calmed down. Sometimes they're actually able to think about it when they've calmed down & realize that it may benefit them & be a good idea to listen to us(the parent).

I also just nixed the booster seat. Dinnertime seems to be the hardest time. I think sometimes if you serve it too late, they're already hungry & past the breaking point. Then, you may as well forget about any compliance at all. I know we all WANT to teach our children good manners, but sometimes I would rather have a peaceful dinner. And I'll let my son down to play and give him "bites on the fly". he has a hard time just sitting down & focusing on his meal. It's like he has to always be multi-tasking. He has a very short attention span, like most 2 yr. olds. Alright, well, that's all I have to say on the subject now. Hope any of it was helpful at all.

Yes this is normal and I think it is more normal for boys. My son is 2 and he thinks it is funny to run so he can be chased and this can be anywhere, store, park, running out of the garage. No matter how much I yell at him about this he still does it. He also likes to hit his dad, usually up along side the head and no matter how much we get mad at him for that he still does it. He doen't throw a fit, thank goodness, he just laughs and sometimes I think that is more irritating. He also hits everything with his hammers or toys that he makes into hammers. I don't mind if he is outside but when he is whacking things in the house it gets irritating. I hear it gets better. I am thinking of getting a different seat because my son does the same thing when he is at the table. Your not alone. The best thing I find it to try and redirect and take a few breaths before I do anything. I also have a friend who when her son does soemthing wrong she puts him in a timeout but she stays there and turns her back on him for the 30 seconds or so he is in timeout. That seems to be a little more effective. Goodluck!

YOU ARE DOING A GREAT JOB!!!!! It is not you!!!! He is going thru the phase they all do. If you give in he will take over, keep up the good work and keep showing him he will not get away with the bad behavior. Ask him why he puches the table. I know he can not verbalize why but give him answers and see how he reponds. If he finds one he reponds to as that is why compramise but tell him that is no reason to behave that way. When he SKREECHES tell him you do not understand skreeching please use your words, or calm voice please, and ignore him. He will get the picture that screeming will not get any attention at all, but quiete grunts pointing or what ever gets responses will. also use positive redirection when he pushes the table away say look how good daddy is sitting at the table he is not pushing the table away daddy gets a start (or whatever praising system you use). this will put the negitive out of his mind.

Good luck and check out Nanny 911 or Supernanny shows they cover this stuff all the time, and alot of it works wonders.

Hugs and REMEMBER YOU ARE DOING GREAT AND THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH HIM OR YOU!!!!

Oh Lordy..your 2 year old sounds like my 2 year old but my 2 year old just started doing this.
My plan is to tell her "if you do push the table, THIS will happen" and give her a choice. If she does it, then she will pay the consequences. My daughter LOVES Dora. So when she is screaming, I threaten to take Dora away for the evening...she stops crying immediatly so I KNOW she understands what I mean...with the table pushing, I think you need to start on a fresh page. Buy him a special fork, spoon or a plate. Tell him that its just for him because he is a big boy, if he starts to push the table, threaten to take his special fork and spoon away and give him a normal one.
You sound like you are doing your best and he is just strong willed. I am HOPING they will grow out of this stage.

They say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting a different result.

He's doing this over and over because he's getting a reaction, and he knows it. You are talking and saying "please" but it's not working. He wants your attention, and he's getting it, even in a negative way. Remove him from the table and put him in his room. Period. Lock the door or put a child-proof doorknob cover on it so he cannot get out. Take away his toys (I used to leave a special stuffed animal and my son's favorite blankie, but the legos and hot wheels went into the attic).

If the chair tray bugs him, then use it. If he throws a fit, put him in another room and DO NOT respond. You need to figure out what he values, and take that away. Time with you, an audience for his tantrums, his toys and TV. Be consistent, say VERY LITTLE at this point but use the same few words. When he's ready to behave, he can come back to the table, but only until he behaves. Do not make a speech, just take action quietly and firmly. Do NOT let him know he got a reaction out of you, only that he hurt himself by doing that behavior.

I got a little picnic table and fed my daughter outside for a couple of months to transition between the high chair and eating at the table with us again. I know hearing them scream is irritating, but I just let her scream when we were at home. I would tell her she had to go to her room if she was going to throw a fit, because I wasn't interested and didn't want to hear it, then I would go about my business. She would sometimes try to hit, at which point she went into time out until she calmed down. If I could understand her talking, I would respond to her questions, but she had to stay in time out until time was up, and time started when she was calm. She still does stuff that drives me nutty, but a lot less, and we can usually talk through it.
Good luck! I know it is hard, but hang in there!
R.

My husband and I went through a parenting class through our church and it was really helpful. It was taught (via DVD and the discussions/instructions from the teachers) by Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo. It was called Growing Kid's God's Way, it taught how to reach your child heart and make them want to be good basically. One of the main things that I think may help in your situation is he knows that he is pushing your buttons and he knows that you are going to count down or tell him no so many times before you do something about it (put him in a time out, etc). They say, don't do that, if it is something that he does all the time and he knows not to do, like you said he puts his feet on the table while you are eating, you would take him out of his chair and take him to his room- even if he is screaming and throwing a fit- and tell him that when he is ready to act properly and eat with the rest of the family he may come out. The main thing is consistency, and that is something that we (my husband and I) still struggle with with our daughter, if she is acting up or doesn't do something and we're tired, it is hard to do what needs to be done and be consistent in what is expected. But it really does work. Once we started implementing the discipline ideas, her behavior started to improve in a couple of weeks, now she is no angel by any means and she still stomps off and gets mad but we tell her that she is being disrespectful and she is not to treat me that way and she looses a privilege for two or three days depending on how bad she was (the pre-determined punishment for that "crime"). I hope this helps. The web-site is growingkids.org

Just wanted to say you are not alone!! You just described my 2 1/2 year old son exactly! It actually made me feel better reading your story knowing that I'm not alone! Someone told me the "3's" are worse...for my sake and yours...I hope the "3's" are better for us!