7 Year Old with Mean Tendencies

I agree with the moms who suggested you ask her to correct her tone on the spot. (ie: "could you please say that again in a more pleasant voice?") Also, you could try catching her on tape and playing it back to her. I don't think she realizes how she really sounds, and it has just become a habit.

My children have went through these phases before and I believe that constant correction got us through it! :) When they would be in one of those moods and speak rudely we "called them out" about it right then and there and they would need to "try it again" until they got it right. (Even if we were in front of other people) When we first started dealing with it we talked to them about nice ways to respond to people, gave examples of how the tone of their voice changed the affect of their words. We talked about how even when mom/dad are upset we do not take it out on them/others and that it is absolutley unacceptable behavior from them too. We have gotten to the point now that if they do it occasionally all I have to say is "You want to try that again" and they correct thier tone. I believe that this worked for us, better than taking things away, because thier embarrasment of being called on it in front of others and the fact that all kids truly do want to please their parentss. We also tell them that their behavior is embarrasing to us and we will not be embarrased by them. Best of luck figuring out what works best for your family!

One of my children was like this when they were younger. I have learned to not react in anger, this mirrored and reinforced what they were doing. I look them in the eye and ask them to speak more kindly to me if they want me to respond. I use this with whining too. I abhor it. I tell my kids that I can't understand them and if they desire something from me, they have to speak courteously. Good luck, kids are such a challenge but also such a joy. They definitely feed off of how we react to them.

S., you have already discovered isolation and groundings are not working. Sounds like it's time to dig deeper into the problem... assuming there is one. It may just be that one daughter is simply of a different personality than the other and this is just the way she will be, to some extent, for the rest of her life. On the other hand, there may be some underlying issues at play concerning her anger and hurt (and that is more likely what it is and not just plain outright meanness - only a child with an emotional disturbance is likely to be mean mean at that age as opposed to merely manifesting anger and hurt over something. But, if the anger is not addressed when they are young, it will become meanness when they get older). Has she always been this way -- since infancy? Either it is her character or she may have a personality disorder.

Has the attitude come on more recently? Say, in the last two or three years? Again, it could be the result of nothing more ominous than her personal character developing; or it could be a relationship issue. This is the most likely scenario. One of your twins is naturally the dominate personality. If the temperamental one is the 'second twin' she may be developing feelings of inadequacy around her sister ... this most especially if the temperament has developed just since the girls have reached school age. Are they in the same class at school? If so, be sure to stress to their teacher to refrain from comparing the girls. They are seperate idividuals and, as much as they may be bonded to each other in many ways, they are still different entities and the school needs to retain a keen awareness of that.

Since the problem seems to be focused more on her older brother, is it possible he has discovered ways to torment her without you knowing? Siblings are very insightful concerning one another. He may have discerned her weak spot long before you and has learned how to take advantage of it. (You might even try to enlist him in your efforts to calm his sister but, don't count on it. Even if kids fight almost constantly, when the chips are down, they will form an amazing solidarity against any and all outsiders - and that includes the 'rents.)

Obviously, you need to talk to your daughter about her behavior. When you do this, it is important to remain calm and non-judgmental. It is not necessary to schedule a formal talk with her but take advantage of any openings in conversation - preferably not after she has had another display of the grumps but, if that is a viable time to broach the subject ... go for it!
("You know it really hurts your brother's feelings when you treat him like that." (Don't be surprised if she comes back with accusations of him hurting her feelings. That is an ideal opportunity to sit down with her and pursue a talk.) "Your brother hurts your feelings? Is that why you seem so angry all the time? Well you know big brothers do that. Sometimes I think that's just what they do for fun. It's not very fun for you, though. Is it? Would you like me to talk to him about it?"
Approaching the problem from this perspective validates whatever feelings she may be having. It also serves to let her know you are concerned with her feelings and opinions and want to help her (NOTE: she is the one who has to resolve her problems; you are just there to help and guide her.)

As far as her other associated issue, the way she now speaks to others, as long as you are constantly reinforcing your love and concern for her in other ways, simply disregard what she says when she does not speak respectfully, and instruct others to do likewise. Explain to her she must be courteous and respectful when she speaks to others and, if she does not, you simply will not respond to her. In the beginning you might consider offering better phrasing for her comments and insist she use it - if only to instruct her in more desireable options. Later, nudge with a reminder to "use your polite words" or "what happened to your respect?" or just a simple, "Courtesy." Eventually, you will reach the point where you will not respond in any way unless she does use desireable language.

As with all your children, you do want to teach her the value of being courteous in future social and business situations, but that is a long-term process that will come one step at a time, and on a different schedule, for each of them.

Good luck.

Suggestion:

A sometimes punishment like ‘time out’ aggravates internal aggressions in kids. As they are growing up, they grow with an inoculated crush in their minds... thinking that 'mom hates me'. This crush may be very dangerous in later life.
So to avoid after effects in your child's life, develop a habit of family consultations, and have everybody input an idea in a loving way for discussion and correction. Create a loving and friendly atmosphere. Do references to Holy writings, if the family is religious, and some great counselors and psychologists like Dr. Phil. The consultation could be weekly on an evening after dinner. Name it ‘our family happy night’. Try this and you'll give us a feed back in a few weeks.
Good luck! Mom A..

We had a series of books called "Help Me Be Good Books". Someone gave the books to me and told me to give them to someone else who needed them, so I did. The books each covered different topics, disrespect, being wasteful, lying and etc... They were written in such a manner that the kids and sometimes even the adults could identify with something they were doing. It also talked about how this behavior/action makes other people feel as well. I would check with your local library to see if they have them or can give you more information on them.

The other thing that might help is if another adult that is around when voice happens would talk to her about the voice/tone. If that does not help, try using a tape recorder or something to record her when she has the voice. Have her listen to it. Sometimes when you hear your own voice on a recording that does not sound nice you are more aware the next time it happens. Good Luck

talk to her ped about a therapist. She needs to talk to someone. She sounds like me when I was younger. Don't be surprised if she fights you. Just set up the appointment let her know you did it and don't ask her alot of questions. Sometimes kids just need someone our side the picture to talk to.
Good luck

I am going to recommend a book: Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn.

As an experienced mother you probably have a well-developed way of dealing with behavior issues. Unless you've already read Kohn's books, you are in for a really DIFFERENT way of thinking about them. It will address not only your daughter's current issue, but how you interact with all 3 of your kids.

I tried to add the link to the book on Amazon but it didn't work. It's easy to find, though, online, at your library, etc.

Good luck -- and most of all don't sweat it. It's a phase she's going through that will be over before you know it (even though you're ready for it to be over YESTERDAY!) Also remember that twins often try to distinguish themselves via behaviors, especially if they look & dress alike. I have a friend who is a twin, who is 54 years old, and TO THIS DAY she says with pride "my sister was the nice twin and I was the mean twin." It was something that she felt gave her uniqueness.

HI,
Are you and your children in a good, solid, Bible believing Church? This is an excellent place to start....to learn about God's love and how He expects us to treat others. It's not enough to teach them the "wordly" defintion of Love...God is the creator of Love and He points us to a higher standard of Love than this world has to offer. Get out God's word and look up the words love and kindness. Not only to explain to her how she should respond to others, but how her very own Heavenly father responds to her...everyday.
Start with John 3:16...For God so loved the world....
Nothing can replace or fill the void like God's love...try if you may....it is the only Love worth teaching your children about.

M.
www.amothershope.webs.com

There is a book called "The Heart of Anger" that I'd recommend. It sounds like it would be just the right thing.

I'm thinking a reward system would better bring about the desired results (to stop this) than 'punishment' (disciplinary measures) would. You can't fight fire with fire. Usually 'hurt people hurt people', and she's probably having a 'hurt' in her life that she's dealing with in the only way her 7-yr-old mind can process it. You really need to 'get to the bottom of it'.

How about a 'date night' with just her? Tell her you're going to interview her for a promotion or something (a goal like a new outfit, her own room -- whatever you can realistically offer that she'd love enough to work toward), then write down some open-ended questions to take with you. You could even do this at BK or McD's. (They interview new prospective employees at their own tables all the time!)

Find out how she feels about her place in the family, her relationship with her twin, what frustrations she may be having at home, at school, or with friends or other extra-curricular activities (church, sports, dance class, etc). Ask who is (are) her best friend(s) outside the family and have her tell you some things about them and their families that she likes and dislikes or finds interesting. Find if her twin has caused her some pain (even just by 'being good' all the time, maybe). And truly LISTEN to her responses (this would be the hardest part for me, personally!)

Set up a reward system that she can help you manage. Agree that if she 'feels' like talking mean in your presence but stops herself, she gets points (or whatever) and a reward for being kind for a certain period of time.

Hope this helps!

Hi S.,
I also have three kids, twin girls (8) and a boy (12). I had the same problem with one of my twin girls and I prayed about it and it came across to me to have more of a one on one talk with her. She told me that I wasn't paying her enough attention. Sometime that's all it is. So I started hugging and holding her more than before. The problem is gone and the communication between us is there. Hope this helps.

S.,
I have an 11-yr-old daughter with some similar issues with how she comes off to others. One approach that works well (her teachers use it at school and you could adapt it for home) is rather than punishing her, try to help her "switch her tone" on the spot. Her teachers allot her 3 tokens each class period. Any time my daughter speaks disrespectfully/grumbles,etc., the teacher says something on the lines of, "Is that worth a token?" That cues my daughter in and gives her the chance to change her tone or facial expression. If she manages (which she does frequently) she keeps her tokens. If not, she loses one. She then gets token-based awards at the end of the day or week.

One caution: the teachers have been really good at this for a while. However, my daughter notes when they begin to use the tokens more for punishment saying, "I'm taking a token for that!" instead of giving her the opportunity to switch.

I hope you find approaches that work for you, and good for you for acknowledging the issue and dealing with it early,

H.