Not Coming When Called

To me the terrible 2's is just a myth.My first never went through it and all ages have their milestone to cross that is difficult.My baby is 22 month and I also call him to come get his diaper changed,wether he comes or not depends on wether or not he's ready to stop playing for a minute to have that done.He loves baths so he runs in on that one and he loves to eat so he isn't slow on that response either.But he does like to look at me and smile and then run off or run back and forth trying to coax me into catching or chasing him before he comes to me.I don't think they are doing it to be difficult.Mine does it to be funnyand wants me to play along in the fun.I usually just get up and go get him if he doesn't want to come with me.It's only when they are older and you KNOW that they understand the importance of them coming to you or not running off that dicipline needs to be inforced.I say just keep doing as you do with her.Sometimes they just don't feel like stopping the play to go have a bath or eat b/c at the time it's not important to them.If she were really hungry or wanted a bath or that diaper changed she's def come running,I know mine does.

HI K.,
Wow, you have received the full circle of advice! Mine is a bit different so...here goes. She's 21 months, why are you asking? I'm all for the 5 minute warning, but when she has a concept of time. Life is full of choices and yes, you will have the privilege of giving her choices, but getting her diaper changed, bathing, and eating are not options in my house. If she needs a diaper change, state the obvious and then tell her, "Let's get a clean diaper!" and change her diaper. If it's bath/dinner time, same thing..."It's bath/dinner time. Let's get in the bath/high chair." Really, it's that simple. If you are asking now, you will have your hands completely full when she tells you (at age 3) she's going outside...while you are trying to "coax" the baby to get it's diaper changed. She won't ask because you have given her "choices" all this time, so why can't she decide when she is going outside...with or without you. Then let's talk about safety! Really and truly, choices are overrated. And if you're not giving her the choice, there's no punishment or "consequences" necessary! Really, allow her to be 1 and amaze you every day with all that she is becoming. Don't rush the baby stage...do for her. You won't regret it. The respect will come...later. As for "STOP!" make sure you don't use the word flippantly during the day. We (my children and I) do a lot of role playing. The best time to teach, I've found, is when you are not correcting. We actually practice the kids doing something (starting with just walking down the hall) and me saying, "STOP!" (in the mommy voice) and them doing just that. We made it a game and they thought it was fun. Now when I (or anyone else) say stop, they turn to find out why. I also explain to them during our "teaching times" why we are doing this (It's mommy and daddy's job to protect you...etc). We have done this since they were around 20 months and it's been great. It leads very easily into role playing other safety lessons...not talking to strangers (even if they are looking for their puppy), always being in the line of sight with mommy and/or daddy, and other more scary things that you don't have to worry about for a little while.
I hope this doesn't sound harsh...I didn't mean to. The advice you were given just scares me. One sweet baby girl at home should be fun...enjoy her, don't make her choose stuff now. You can loosen the reigns later. Someone told me some good advice that also worked for me..."when your child can handle not having choices, she is ready to have choices." In context, this advice was given to me when my child was throwing fits when they weren't getting their way. It was recommended that I have breakfast ready for her at the table (instead of giving her a choice). If she didn't throw a fit (and we did this consistently for a week), then she may have a choice (would you like yogurt or cereal). It was amazing! No more arguing, rolling of the eyes, sassy...nothing. It lead right into respecting authority. It worked with all the stuff we want our kids to do on their own but sometimes give them the choice too early...what to drink, eat, wear. So, I speak from experience. I was fortunate enough to have someone speak wisdom into me when my oldest was almost 2 and "retrainable". If I hadn't gotten that wisdom I would have pulled my hair out with the 2nd child and the oldest's sassyness. But, honestly, both have been great 2 and 3 year olds and so far my children have been great joys in my life (and others). We even visit homebound seniors and if you've ever been in the home of an 80+ year old with toddlers, you know how important the word STOP is! They have learned respect for others because (I think) their daddy and I have held back certain "freedoms" that we believe 2 year olds aren't ready for yet. Let her be 1 going on 2. It's ok to control her world...for now. Let the freedoms come later. She will respect you and others...she is not a discipline problem...for goodness sake, you're still stating her age by months!!!:) She will grow up fast enough on her own. Have fun with her as a baby...hey, potty training is right around the corner! (hehehehe);)

This is a battle you will have to win everytime. However you disapline your child you need to make sure it happens when she does not come to you. If she disobeys at home she will surely disobey out in public. Safety is an issue if you call her and she turns and runs out into in a parking lot with cars driving by, there could be a serious problems. Take care of this before something bad happens. You just need to make sure she knows if she disobeys she knows she will be punished. I know it's hard to punish them every time but once they realize they will not win, they will obey each time. Once this happens you won't have to punish her much at all! That is the best feeling and then you can focus on having great times together. This has been my experience.

It isn't anything to panic about, but I agree that you should start now and use this as a base for establishing your authority, Put on your mommy voice and attach a consequence to not listening to you. She is testing her boundaries and the wider they are now, the more you will struggle for obedience as she grows. Set the standard now that "when mom speaks, you listen, obey, or suffer a consequence." Consequence can be a time out or loss of a priviledge or toy, or if you are not against corporal punishment, a pop. If you are consistent, you'll never have to chase her in a store or fight with her in public!

Consistancy is your best policy. Explain to her in a firm and different voice that she needs to listen the first time or she'll be in time out. When I say different voice meaning it's not your normal "mommy" voice. They're smart she'll figure that out with your tone. I did the old count to 3 and it worked. Tell her if you get to 3 then she can't do what she wanted to do or she sits in time out.
They'll try you and some of us give in. Don't let up because you're at home. And remember if she listens to you at home she'll listen while you're out in public. All you could do is try it and hope that it works. My son is 8 and it still works. Consistancy works in everything with children, good luck.

My daughter also does that - they are letting you know that when you look back on it, two's are not so terrible; 3's, 4's, 5's and teens are just as bad, if not worse (joke, sort of...!!!) But seriously, she does this because her impulses are stronger than her verbal skills. So, when in Rome... When she has to go potty, or do something that you want her to do, give her a 2 minute warning: "OK, you have 2 minutes to do ____, and then we are going to the potty." Do it again in 1 minute. Then, just take her. My Alamo was the tv. But, when I give a warning, I also turn it off. That way, no more distractions. Lastly, I count to 5. And, when I count, I walk up to her, so that when I reach 5, she cannot run away. I always compliment her on how good she was when I she does something, and give her a big kiss when she comes to me. I hope that this helps! Just keep repeating all your steps - you might find new ones along the way! Enjoy the day!

I guess I've never really completely understood the 'terrible 2's". My kids never went through that from how others describe it. I think it's really all us. The way we parent is the way our children will turn out. She is just playing games with you, they all do that.

Now, having said that, you of course do want her to come to you. Giving her demands, isn't going to make her come with respect. We need to give our kids choices, not repeated warnings. If we give them repeated warnings, like you were saying, one day that will cost her some hurt...especially in dangerous situations.

What I would do is give her choices all day long...such as, let's say she needs to get in her highchair...you could say, 'would you like mommy to put you in your highchair or would you like to climb in it yourself" (of course you are standing by to make sure she doesn't fall out while climbing in (we had ours in a booster seat by this time...it made her more independent). Then you can ask her, 'would you like milk or water?', 'would you like the green plate or the blue plate?'. And just go on and on with choices all day...'would you like to wear the pink shirt or the yellow shirt?'.

Anyway, there comes a time when she doesn't get a choice, but you've given her some control throughout the day. So what happens when it's time for her to listen to mommy and come when asked? Let's say you asked her to come and she didn't. You could say "Uh oh, you didn't come when mommy asked you to", so you would isolate her in her room or chair or something that you use to put her in a 'time out'...something to where she doesn't play with toys. Just do that each time...will she scream, if she's any kind of normal child, she will and that's okay. I know this is getting lengthy, but I think the best thing you can do is to get a book called "Parenting with Love and Logic" for toddlers. I have the regular one, but will eventually get the one for teenagers. (I have a 2yo right now and will probably get this one too. We've been doing this method since my oldest were 5 and 6 and it's awesome! No yelling, no spanking, just having fun parenting and dishing out choices and great Empathy when they make a mistake and then the consequence.)

We all say terrible 2's but the reality of it is that they are trying to find their place and to see how far they can push you. When you call your child and they don't respond is because they are playing with you. My son does it to me to. It's because he wants me to chase him. When I do, he laughs and has a good time. Of course there are times when I am not playing and I speak in a more stern voice.

Congratulations! She's reaching a new developmental milestone - she's starting to become an independent thinker - a real human being with ideas and plans and desires! I thought I'd give you a different perspective to think about, seeing the flip side, instead of a "discipline problem". Welcome to the toddler years!

I psyched myself up for the "terrific twos" and tried to accentuate the positive aspects of the toddler behavior. Whenever possible, try to see the world from your child's point of view - empathy leads to (some) understanding. Although I'll warn you toddlers can be mind-bogglingly irrational, and from what I've seen, intelligence seems to make no difference.

In areas like this, you'll start to see stark differences in opinion, and it might seem at first to be a choice of "parent in control" or "child in control" -"disciplined" or "permissive" - "order" or "chaos", but that's not really an accurate view.

Remember "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" and all those horrid children? No parent wants to raise a "Veruca Salt", "Augustus Gloop" or any of those other nasty personalites. And some people believe that the only way to avoid raising atrocious children like that is to insist on compliance and obendience, always maintaining parental authority, and making sure the big people, well bascially, have all the control. And it can be frustrating for anyone to have someone else always calling all the shots, and to have to always meet someone else's expectations or demands. To always come when called. (Yeah, I know what I'm saying is completely opposite from what everyone else is saying about "this is a battle you have to win every time" and all. After reading Positive Discipline, I've learned how detrimental it can be to allow something to become a power struggle where the only way I can win is for the kid to lose, so I've found ways to gently nudge in my direction rather than get in a tug-of-war. What's the point of being an adult if you can't use your smarts and everything you've learned in your life on the art of persuasion? I don't even hold "consistency" as the gold standard, because every day, EVERY DAY, I think of something I have done as a parent that I know I could have handled better. And I'm not going to do the same thing just in the name of "consistency" if it's not working or I think I've come up with something better. I'm continually adapting and refining, and tailoring it to what is what is not working with my kids.)

You said you want her to respect you and do as you ask. But think about it, YOU won't do everything SHE is surely going to ask you to do, and that has nothing to do with whether or not you are treating HER respectfully. Respect is more about considering the feelings of other people, and taking their wishes into account, treating them with kindness, not doing everything someone says regardless of one's own feelings. This may be a good time to think about how you want to teach respect - it is possible to model it, to treat children respectfully (like allowing them some degree of choice or freedom) and still maintain the expectation that they also treat adults respectfully.
It depresses me sometimes how many parents insist on repect from their children, but don't model it - they don't treat their children with much respect. It ought to go both ways. Keep in mind that they won't really have the ability to truly empathize, to really understand that other people even do have a different point of view until they are older. Try as you might to explain The Golden Rule, it's fairly complex thinking and they probably won't "get it" at two or three.

Now of COURSE it can be a dangerous situation if a child doesn't understand "STOP!" when it's vitally inportant. But I don't believe that the ONLY way they will learn to obey when it is essential is to insist that they obey always, consistently, every time. (I think it was in Dr. Sears' "Discipline" book that he wrote about how his wife had a special voice that she used in such situations, and it sounded so urgent and so different that it immediately got her children's attention. It wasn't even something she planned, she just saw her child heading toward danger and screamed "Stop!" or "No!" and the kids could tell it was different, they were scared and stopped dead in their tracks.)

Sometimes people will suggest discipline techniques that strikes me as overly simplistic - like anytime they talk about "magic words" (like 1,2,3), I'm a bit skeptical. The relationship you have with your child is very complex and I think it's unwise to rely on... well gimmicks. (Imagine being angry at your spouse or a friend and when you try to express yourself, they say "That's one". And if you continue to express your anger, they say "That's two.... That's three. Take a time out." I mean, talk about shutting down any useful communication.)

When my eldest was a toddler I used to think the "Supernanny" Jo Frost had good advice, even bought the book. Then I read an article called "Atrocious Advice From The Supernanny" and thought to myself, "you know, he's got some good points there." That author (Alfie Kohn) got me thinking differently. (You can google for both Jo Frost and that article, which was written by Alfie Kohn.)

If you walk through the bookstores, you'll see a lot of advice on how to get your kids to do what you want, and an awful lot of it has a negative tone to it. (Like "I Refuse to Raise a Brat" "Backtalk" "Don't Have Them If You Won't Raise Them" "Dare To Discipline" - just these titles sound oppressive to me.) I prefer books like "Unconditional Parenting: Moving From Rewards and Punishment to Reason" "Positive Discipline" "How To Behave So Your Preschooler Will Too" "The Happiest Toddler On The Block".

So this is the beginning of a new era - it's the first time you start dealing with child that has independent thoughts. It doesn't HAVE to be confrontational, parent vs. child, "how do I get her to do as I say?". You can work together. You're smart, use persuasion instead of force. You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, as the old saying goes. Don't grab her forcefully, if you can pick her up gently. Don't pick her up at all if you can tell her to do something. And don't tell if you can ask her. And don't insist on things when it's not really all that big of a deal. I've seen parents go out of thier way to turn a the most trivial decison into a Lesson in I'm The Mom And What Mom Says Goes. Period. (Sometimes, parents feel pressure to do this because they want to look "in control" around others, and I'm thinking to myself, "Gosh, lady. Take a deep breath - you'll stress yourself out.")

After all, you're raising a human being, one who eventually will need to think for herself and make
her own decisions, and they don't get to practice it if you focus TOO much on compilance and obediance. At the same time, we all know that kids don't always do the right thing, and that there are adults around for a reason. Everyone has to walk that line between treating your child like a dog, expecting them to obey every command, and being such a martyr or pushover that the children have no idea of how to treat people respectfully. When you give them freedom and the ability to make choices, sometimes they will screw things up a bit. But it's also a good way to learn. If you let them make some mistakes, they learn to make better decisions. (Have you ever met one of those kids whose parents make all the decisions for them until they are 18, and suddenly they are out on their own, finally make a few decisions and make some profoundly unwise ones?) Of course, there are many many mistakes you don't want them ever to make and will do everything in your power to control, repectfully or not. (I'm thinking things like driving drunk, playing Russian roulette, trying to beat a train.) Even I can understand that there is a time when it's acceptable to be a dictatorial tyrant.

Your ultimate long-term goal as a parent, unlike most other jobs, is to make yourself obsolete. It was Ben Franklin who said "It is the first responsibility of every citizen to question authority". He didn't say anything about making exceptions for short citizens who refuse to eat their vegetables. The kid's gotta start somewhere.

Hi K.,

Yes, this sounds like a phase! She is playing games and learning her independence. My 2 yo did this for about a year! It was very frustrating and trying but when she turned 3 it magically went away! I wish I had been more specific with discipline with her so maybe try some type of system with taking away a tv show or favorite toy. And be consistent and strong about it. She will learn consequence from this phase. I started to count with my daughter, count to 3 and then if she doesnt listen you take something away, for us it was a bedtime tv show. It did work and now if she is tired and not wanting to listen i count to 3 and she comes and does what I am asking of her. Sounds like you have a strong willed little girl which is great, but more energy for you to train her!
Good luck. It is a phase and this too shall pass,
K.

What ever you do, don't play chase!!! It will become something the child will do every time, at home and out and about because it is fun. When my son started doing this (and is trying to do it again!) around the same age, I would ask him to get in his chair for lunch and he would run. I would get him by the arm and put him in time out (yes, he knew where and what time out was) for a minute or so. Then I would put him in his chair or what ever it was I wanted him to do. The run and chase game didn't last long with that. Now he is 2yrs and trying it again for diaper, eating, getting dressed, shoes, etc. So now I can count to 1-2-3 and he knows if he doesn't move to where or what I want him to do before it get to 3, he is going to get time out.

The chase game is ok sometimes, but right now, she needs to learn that when mommy wants her to do something she means it. Otherwise you'll have to start and hour early just to get out the door to be on time cause you'll be playing chase to get her dressed and shoes on!!

Good luck!
~S.