4 Year Old's Self Esteem

Hi. My daughter is 4 1/2 too. We just had a meeting with her teacher at school. The meeting was about how she is doing in school. My husband and I went to the school thinking everything was great. We were so wrong!! Her teacher told us that she would not answer questions and would not recognize her abc's and numbers. We were shocked because she does it at home for us all the time. Her teacher told us that she thinks she is stubborn and has low self esteem. So what we did is started a rewards chart at home. One chart is for chores, like feeding the dog and the cats 5 days a week. just to give her some responsibilities. At the end of the week she gets to pick out of a basket that has book, coloring book, or special treats. The other chart we have is one for good behavior. After 20 stickers she gets to go see a movie, go get ice cream, spend the night at a grandparents house. These are some of the ideas we came up with. So far it has been working a little bit. You could google 4 year old self esteem. Thats what we did. I hope this helps!

I think she may have ADHD and obsessive/compulsive disorder. She may be crying out of frustration. She wants to please you and the teachers, but can get easily distracted and then has a compulsion to complete whatever task she was working on or else she won;'t be satisfied. She is then caught between a rock and a hard place but cannot yet express that.

Personally, I don't think either should be defined as a disorder since they will actually allow her special abilities that not everyone has. Since I am not a "meds" advocate unless it is the ONLY solution, you may want to see if there are other methods out there for dealing with this type of personality so that everyone can live harmoniously.

On a side note, I am not doctor, teacher, or even have any personal dealings with this topic. But I have acquaintances that have their kids on drugs for these types of "symptoms" and I feel it is the "easy way out" and unfair to the child if you have not exhausted all other options.

this is a link to a couple that have a "ministry" for families. read the articles.

http://www.nogreaterjoy.org/index.php?id=1

E.

Hello M.,

Sounds like all 4 of you have been overly accommodating. I did this too, until a teacher pointed it out. I gave full details of what we planned to do, when we would do it, the steps we would go through and etc. before we even began. (like a trip to the library or the store-I did it to make things run smoother.) What I actually did was created a "handicap" and my child could not deal with sudden decisions or requests to do something. He then began a discussion-because all our interactions went like that...I'd make a statement, like we're going to the store. He would respond why?or some other question for me to provide more details. Unknowingly, we all were doing it. There was no rush with regular trips, however once we created the monster and then wanted him to move quickly-he couldn't. We'd say, "Come here" because he was too close to the sidewalk near the street. He did not move because he wasn't ready to come-to him things still seemed calm so there was no rush. Same at school, your child may not feel the need to stop talking-it seems as if everyone else is still talking. (Never mind that it is because they are initiating the conversations!) We all were giving positive reinforcement, "You did such a good job when we went to the store" so when we showed any displeasure-he felt like he was a failure. You all should make 2 or 3 requests a day, where you just need her to do something without questions. A teacher I know has a special phrase she says in her classroom. All the children line-up for a fire drill and then she gives them a direction and they must follow it without talking. She made it something like a serious game. She used it because the children would cry and be very afraid when fire alarms went off. My neice used it to "re-train" her son-who had the same problem. She says the word SWITCH. (To them, that means to switch from whatever is going on to following her words exactly. When she says SWITCH he immediately comes to her as fast and as quietly as he can. Then she tells him to do something. Maybe she will say get your pj's, or put your toys away, or take something upstairs and put it away, then come back to me. She does at home and away from home. After a couple weeks of "the game" he got used to just following commands without negotiations. They still talk and have long discussions about planning out activities, and he has learned that sometimes in certain situations we will not have a discussion about what we need to do, we just follow the directions and we are not sad, or mad at each other. We do it because if helps us to complete tasks quicker, and then we may have time to chitchat about other things later. It may take you 3 months before it sinks in because you all "trained" her provided those examples of how to act over a 4 year period. We also showed our son by playing the game between the adults in the house. My husband would say-Will you take this upstairs? I would grab it, hurry up and do it, and come back saying I'm done! He would smile, say thank you, and then we would go our separate ways I would tell him to come and sit down-and he would do it. We tried to do it in a way that we always seemed happy to follow the direction even though we were busy having fun, we obeyed because it wasn't asking us to do anything wrong. It resulted in a better listener, and someone who seemed happy to help. Hope this helps you.

Being a child is so difficult at times and often as a parent we cannot recall our own feelings from so long ago. My 7 yr old son has said those same words. I think it is simply yor child telling you that life is hard and asking for direction and approval. I will then spend time praising his 'hearing' actions or when he does remember things. I think it is a sign they need some praise. Plus I have begun to ask my children to please give me their attention - by standing at attention. This gets them to focus on me and not fidget when we are talking. This helps both of them to fully listen. Then I ask them to repeat it to me - 3 times seems to be the magic number, so they repeat it once to me and then if they choose they can repeat it to themselves. If they do not remember then we can talk about give respect & attention when one is talking AND that repeating things will help.
It really is all about teaching & guiding and praising.
Maybe too find a book that gives you activities to do to learn to sharpen those listening skills. One I have enjoyed is called Games for Learning by Peggy Kaye. It provides many games to assist our children how to learn. One I enjoy is letter finding. You hide 3 or 4 plastic letters around a room. Then ask your child to find them by only giving them the sound. For example, b is 'buh'. Tell her you are needing her to find the letter that makes the sound 'buh'. She has to focus on listening and processing what letter makes that sound as she searches the room.

Good Luck!

One way to get her to listen without pushing her is to speak softly. I would bet that your voice is quite loud when you TOLD HER to hurry to bed. During the day make eye contact and almost whisper something very nice, like How you like the way she dressed herself, or put away hertoys, etc. The next time you give her directions after that do the same thing. Get her eye contact and whisper them very clearly, then leave her to do it. Give her a full hour to respond. Be very quiet and calm with her. When she is tired be extra careful to keep things quiet & peaceful. Might help, can't hurt.

M., Don't sell yourselves short, she is probably going through a stage that is testing her and all of you, it is very typical for this age. One thing you may try is, after telling her something,asking her what she heard you say."tell me what I just said" it may give you some insight into how she interprets directions. Make sure you are not expecting too much. Just having 4 parents and a teacher giving instructions is overwhelming enough for a 4 year, old even under the best circumstances.

I am a pre-k teacher.I know that four year old girls are very smart but also cunning.What I like to do is make sure that the goals are realistic.Then set a kitchen timer,one that has a BING when time is up.If they finish in time,reward with a extra bed time story or do something that makes that process of going to bed special.If not ,let them go to bed as is ,even if that means with their clothes on.Do not bargin or negotiate.Remain focus, calm and in control.Here is where the cunning comes in for the girls.They we say things like"I am not pretty,I am bad,Nobody love me.Remember no reaction or conversation at this time. Be sure to go over the new rule with her first.ps wait until she is a teenager;) good luck K. s

With her saying that she can't listen and can't control herself, you might investigate the possibility that she might have ADD. If she does, a small does of medicine might help her to control herself or they can provide her counseling and she could learn coping strategies. Just a thought.

Dear M.,
Better Listener is not a harsh term and should cause no self-esteem issues. You're not telling her she is not good enough- just that her behavior isn't what is needs to be. I have worked hard to have a happy Christian home and my 5 yr old has told me the same things "she's a bad girl" "I hate you". I call it manipulation- she smart and know the words & phrases that push buttons. Being a good parent is tough & the world's tougher. Remember you're preparing your child to make it the world.
Good luck-A.

Staying positive is best! Um, I remember my girls saying that (about not being good or can't listen very well, because they aren't good enough), but it was only because at the time we were in a rough spot in life and I had to stay with my sister and her husband (VERY ABUSIVE TO KIDS AND EACH OTHER) they really liked playing mind games. I would repeat myself to my girls all the time and became frustrated, but instead of yelling or being mean about anything, I would walk over and grab them gently and ask one last time in a gentle voice and at THEIR eye level, (So they don't feel threatend) "Can You Please DO what I asked?!" and it always worked. They don't have that negative attitude or negative response anymore, its more like now (11years and 10years of age) I really don't want to do that. I will do that when I get there. And because I never spanked my kids or hit them or used fowel language or discouraged them, I SPOILED MY GIRLS! But, if that's spoiling, I am PROUD TO DO SO!

If you're a Christian family......have you all prayed about this TOGETHER??? If not, why not? USE YOUR RESOURCES!

On top of that, remind her that EVERYONE has faults. Children shouldn't think ANYONE is perfect. Remind her that as a parent, it's your job to let them know what things need work. ACKNOWLEDGE ANY time she listens and even...."you DID a good job of listening, but let's do even better next time," etc.

Otherwise....you end up growing up thinking EVERYTHING is about you! LISTENING is a learned skill. Remind her that God wants us to be good listeners. It's not about what YOU want as much as what God wants. It's about respecting and acknowledging authority which IS BIBLICAL.

Have her hearing checked ASAP, we went through this with my dd and two years later after lots of heartbreaking comments like your daughter made we find out she can't hear out of her right ear at all. some other things that might help, have a routine an very structured one seems to be in order for ehr so that she can budget her time and activities at home around it and know what is coming, and remind her of it, if you always eat at 6 and then she wants to go do soemthing remind her that she only has 1 hour before bathtime and get her a clock, not a digital one, while easier for a child to read it's harder for them to see the time they have left, and you can even use pictures at certain times so she knows when the hand gets here it's bath time ect. obviously it won't help at school but it might make things less stressful at home and help boost her back up. also make sure that when you do speak to her you are down on her level and she is looking at you, that way you know she heard you. good luck.

We as adults (and Christians) should understand what it feels like to feel we aren't capable of meeting expectations. We all fall short (Romans 3:23). We are all "bad girls" (or boys) (Romans 3:10). I think her realizing this is not a bad thing! You just need to help direct that understanding appropriately. We don't have the will-power to do everything we're supposed to do on our own. That's why we can be so thankful for our Savior! Through Him we can do better. Use this experience with her to show her Christ. Help her to start to understand that she will never be able to do everything perfectly in her own power, and will be continually disapponted if she keeps trying. It is only through Christ that we can do all things (Phil. 4:13)! Teach her that even though we are all "bad", Christ came to earth, died and rose again so that we can be forgiven when we fall short. If we give Him control of our lives and live for Him, He will help us do better and cover our sin, making us good, or righteous (Romans 3:24).

When she is struggling in this way, remind her to pray and ask Jesus to help her listen better. Maybe if she knows there is Someone who wants to help her, she won't get so discouraged and will be able to work harder to obey.

Even though it is hard to see your children struggle this way, it is wonderful that your daughter has such a tender heart. Cultivate it, encourage her, and show her that she doesn't have to do this alone. I don't know that a 4 year old is capable of grasping the concept of salvation and committing her life to live as a child of God, but plant the seeds . . . It's the best thing you could ever do for her!

As to using a different phrase to get the point across, we ask our son (who is also 4) - in a non-threatening tone - what we just told him. If he doesn't answer correctly, we repeat what we said. It works to get his attention so we know he is hearing what we said. We also frequently start the conversation when we're going to be giving him instructions by saying, "look at me." It takes his attention away from other things and brings it to the conversation. We've even had him repeat back to us what we've said to make sure he really did hear what we said. It often helps to get down on my knees so I am more at his level when I am telling him something, too. We still use the phrase, "you need to listen," but he isn't hearing it from every adult he is around all the time.

I hope this helps!

I don't really have anything to add as far as the listening goes but on the "bad girl" stuff this is my answer...
I have always been very strict with anyone that tries to tell my boys they are bad. I feel that children are never bad but sometimes the choices that they make are bad. It sounds to me like someone has told your daughter that she is bad. Find out who and put an immediate stop to it. SHE IS NOT BAD and you can tell her I said so. She just has to learn the difference between good and bad choices. She's a good girl that just sometimes makes bad choices. Please explain that to her and see if it helps. Good luck to you! If nothing else you do have my support. Shannon

M.,

I would suggest that you think about her developmental age. What does the word "listen" mean to a child who is still thining in concrete terms? It means, "hear" not "process, think, act, change behavior" to a 4.5 year old. Very often, children will say that they can't do something that they don't understand and turn thier anger about it inward.

Instead, be more concrete in reltating what you want her to do, and when she does not do something specific, that is the issue, not the overall broad umbrella of "listening" because she does not really have the capacity to put all that together (even if she is very bright, she cant overcome being developmentally too young to understand a concept).

Tell her to do things directly, like "stand up" "walk to the bathroom" "put on your PJ" and avoid telling her what you do not want, like "dont pretend you did not hear me" "stop yelling" etc, because it is easier for them to do something if they know exactly what you mean for them to do instead of having to interpret it. Once she has sucess in doing what you tell her, she will find pride in that and wont turn it inward anymore.

As for Central Audio Processing Disorder and ADHD, if you see other things in her that make you wonder "is this normal?" or if you have ever wondered if she really heard you, understood you, or has difficlutly with routine and really "can't" let go of her organization (rigidity) then have her evaluated sooner rather than later. Early intervention helps kids feel good about themselves if it is an issue that she cannot overcome on her own. Developmental Pediatricains are the place to start.

Good luck, she is lucky to have someone like you on her side.

M.

I am a mother of triplet 5 year old girls and completely understand your frustration. One of my girls sounds alot like your daughter. I have learned that at this phase in their lives their main goal is to please people. I have used several different techniques to get all of them to listen better, but ended up having to realize they are doing the best they can right now. Repeat, repeat, repeat...that is all you can do. I also sit and read 5 min short stories every night before bed that they pick out themselves and that seams to have helped with keeping their attention. Stay consistent and you'll make it through this phase. i have also resorted (on really trying days) to the time out chair if I've had to repeat myself many times and they still don't listen. 1 min for each year of their age...once their time is up, sit down and ask if they understand why they were in time out so they understand there is consequesnces for their actions.
Good Luck!! :)

The child is 4 years old---cut her some slack---no one follows the rules 100 per cent of the time, not you , not me, and certainly not a four old.
Instead of telling her to go to bed when she is doing someting,tell her before hand that in ten minutes she needs to start thinking about getting ready for bed, when the ten minutes is up remind her that in five minutes, you will be
tucking her in to say good night.
And if she has a listening problem get down on her level and make eye contact when you talk to her.
Hope this helps.

When she tells you that she is a bad girl because she cannot be a better listener then maybe just smile and remind her that it takes practice. It is hard for me sometimes as an adult to be a good listner. When you have kids and many things going on all day you begin to hear things that are key phrases. So I find that I have to practice. So when she is four and there are so many instructions all day I think she may just need to practice as well. Tell her that you agree that is can be difficult (especially when it is something you dont want to do) She is not telling you that she cannot hear you (or others) just that she isnt. She sounds very sweet and does not want to tell you that she was just not obeying you. Just remind her that when you do the best that you can you are never a bad girl. You just need to keep trying everyday. Good luck

Hi,my name is D. and I can tell that balancing the growing independence your daughter is developing and parental boundries and needs are frustrating for everyone involved. You sound like a loving and caring family. As a teacher of 4-5 year olds I can say that there are 3 things we can't make our children do...potty, eat, sleep. So what a learning opportunity for her about boundries, self relaxation and more. I learned a 3 stage approach to dealing with children...first show empathy state the behavior that is a problem or unacceptable and finally either give her options that are acceptable to you or come up with solutions together.

1. ____ I can see you don't want to go to sleep yet your not a bad girl your body is having trouble relaxing and you see us staying up and you want to be with us. However....your body needs more sleep than us
2. It is not ok for you to be downstairs playing.. your body can't listen to how tired it is when your playing, (whatever the behavior is you don't want....
3. Lets come up with a plan to help your body relax...create a sequence of events that gradually removes you from the room. teach some deep breathing, soothing music, private time to look at books or stories on tape.

Good luck

It may be an age thing, but you might want to google auditory processing disorder and read up on that and see if that sounds like any issues your daughter has and if so talk to your doc. Hope this helps.

We have what we call our listening ears. I will look under my daughter's hair and say, "I don't see your listening ears. Have you lost them? Then I have her reach up as high as she can and grab them and then she screws them on tight and tries again. It is a playful way to get her grounded and listening.

Also a good option to listening is making choices. I need you to make a different choice, or happy choice, or obedient choice. She can always choose. It is powerful for her to hear that she is in control of those choices. Listening can be so vague and open ended especially at 4. Four year olds are literal. Saying I need you to choose to be patient, or gentle is more specific and tells her exactly what you need her to do.

My daughter is also a natural at planning the days' events and in what order and she could run the house if i let her but that is not her challenging me it is just her natural way. She is cleaning her brother's room right now!(we home-school) i said he has to help her and he is also paying her 4 dollars(that part was not me, but him).
Lord help us all Please! We are living in degradated times...the television and radio and magazines are just full of the lowest and glamourized. and humans are poisoning the air the land and the water rather than being stewards of the earth and the Earth's God's creatures.
Your daughter sounds lovely. and you sound like you put a lot of energy into your children with good intentions. My own experience may be vastly different from yours, but i found(in Carmel) the teachers were~Not ALL of them but a significant amount of them) were all too ready to complain of and label the behavior of the children. When my boy was at the International School, he loved the work and the teachers praised him and he got good grades. At the public school he lost his natural and enthusiastic interest in the work and his teacher failed to see how very much he was trying to please her and she used negative labels for him rather than address common issues as a compassionate loving teacher she opted to complain of his behavior and label him- not her problem. She kept him in from recess to finish his work without checking on him or having someone check on him so he could go outside when he was done- for 2 months!!! He Never complained of it. At All. and she tried to say he was an underachiever! she also said he was well-behaved and nice to have in class. so i expected a bit more heart to come from her for him. so without knowing what it is your daughter is not listening to from the teachers, i am not very unimpressed by that. i also had lovely experiences with some of the teachers there so i am not trying to speak badly about the teachers just to say that without knowing more detail, it does not sound that bad at all. like they say one really good teacher can make a world of difference- the same goes for a bad teacher and they DO exist Both kinds.
Some people live very much WITHIN themselves. They absorb less of the talk around them. It is a good thing to live within. People who do are more discerning of truth. People who live externally tend to be drawn to all the external distractions that pull one from the divine path. Maybe she finds it difficult to be pulled from her internal self toward the external and feels badly that it makes her seem like she is "not listening" maybe she is just not hearing- sometimes things just don't get through. i have found that with all the talking the children do, it gets to where i just cannot --do not- process what i am hearing after a certain point. i hear the words but they aren't processed. Certain things get through and the rest does not. i have to really ConCenTrate to listen to them at these times. it takes a lot of energy.
i have even answered people and completely and immediately forgot the exchange. i have seen the neighbor boy completely absorbed in hitting flowers with a stick and he looked up to be told (by us)not to do it, and immediately set back to his absorbing flower beating. :) we realized he was ComPletely absorbed and not at all trying to be bad. Sometimes you have to approach a person and wait until you know you have their attention and then speak to them. and love is heard before irritation and impatience. i think sometimes kids just catch the tone and know it means stop what you are doing but never hear the words that go with the tone. i wrote most of this response thinking i had read that your daughter is 14 so it is a bit choppy from me editing:)
i definately!!!! do Not subscribe to some people's ideas that children are manipulative. i believe that is a projection that easily "proves" itself to the people who see it that way. i think it twists the children's sense of what they are doing and why. like the boy who was hitting the flowers...he was not being bad or hateful to the flowers- he was observing the whole action. i had a mom once tell me my daughter was being Mean when she was 3 and took a toy from the hands of a several month old. The baby did not cry even. My daughter is Very kind. and now 7 years old. i believe people are too quick to label behaviors/actions as negative when they are neutral even positive behaviors/actions.
i think your daughter just needs loving patience and for people to realise she may be absorbed within herself. Take the time to engage her with patience. and games of concentration are always positive to a person- also listening, following direction games like Simon Says. or hot/cold for finding things around the house that are hidden.

All I can say is she was tired. She is stubborn, she is headstrong, and she wants to be in control of something in her life.

Unfortunately, this is the time to let her know you are the parent. Who is telling her she is a "bad girl" and where did she get the idea she just "can't listen"? Children do not come up with that type of comment on their own!!! You need to find out where she got this type of feed back about herself.

Explain to her that there are rules and regulations she has to live with. Bed time is an established time and she needs to go to bed at that time. Crying is not going to change anything and she will still be going to bed at X crying or not.

It isn't a matter of listening to you. She listened, she heard, she just didn't like what you said!!!! When I was a child I think my parents called it manipulation and refused to accept it. My children tried it, believe me, the child I am raising because my foster daughter walked out and left him behind has tried it.

I am concerned about her saying she is a bad girl, however, and she needs to understand that good people can do the wrong thing. That she isn't bad, she just made a bad decision.

I will pray for you and hope you can find out who is telling her she is bad.

P. R

Children want to do what makes us happy. That you try to recognize when she is doing good deeds is half the battle. I like to use happy face tokens to enhance that recognition. Children like to collect and count things. These tokens are given as you recognize what she is doing. Just give one at a time and say something like, you may have 1 token for coming the first time I called you! Thanks for listening. As she collects them, start asking her how many she has. Make a list of things she can cash them in for. Individual things work best, ie, watch an extra 1/2 hour of TV, or play an extra 1/2 hour of video games, or get a happy meal when we go out to eat. Put a value of what it's worth (to you) to let her cash her tokens in for each thing. Help her use her tokens to buy these things. When she loves the tokens and the list, which won't take long, then you can start taking tokens when she doesn't do what is expected. Things change real quick and the results can be amazing! For more information on this token system go to
http://foxholeparenting.com
There are all kinds of examples, audio and ideas here. The book I used to learn this system is called: From Combat Zone to Love at Home: The Happy Face Token System. You can find it here too. It is guaranteed to get amazing results.