What Do I Exspect from a Four Year Old

I might suggest a couple of things: 1) Read "Raising a Son", there are two books with similar names, both I think are good. The Truett Kathy (sp?) of Chick-fil-a wrote a book about Fathers and sons that is outstanding. The last one I might suggest is "The Sensory Sensitive Child" by Karen Smith. The reason I suggest the last is because you mention the "rebellious" which throws a red flag. If a child does not respond to consistent parenting, you may have an issue here. I have a unofficial phD in this area and if you think there may be an issue, I would be happy to help out with prevention for the next baby, and treatment/recovery for this one.

Best of luck to you. Remember, some of us have good parental support and backgrounds, but many, many of us are winging it! Glad you are asking, that means you are going to get it!

J

A.,
These are three main rules that I use in my classroom that I think are good ones to use at home too. We respect ourselves and others. We take care of our environment. We keep our hands and feet to ourselves. You can translate these for your four year old into: We take care of our family and friends. We take care of our home and the other places we go. You can also make other specific rules. Just remember to try to make them positive instead of negative. Also remember that you want to prepare him for life and keep him safe. So when you are thinking about his behavior, just remember is it something that you want him to do when he leaves you to go to school or a friends house and is it something that is safe for him to do. If not, help him understand the right thing to do.
Hopefully, this is helpful info.!

I can so relate to your situation and found the MOST wondeful book that was helpful in parenting filling in the spaces I had missed as a child. It explains what is normal and what is not. It also helped me even as an adult come to better terms with my own childhood!

The name of the book is BOUNDARIES WITH KIDS by DRS> Cloud and Townsend. It is about the best parenting book I've ever read. I pray it is a blessing to you. You can order it from Barnes & Noble or Amazon.com. Of course, large bookstores will carry it as well. They also have a GREAT website (www.newlife.com) with MANY other resources!

Blessings to you... L.

A.,

When I come across this question I first want to make sure all dyes and corn syrup are out of the equation. I use the Eat Right for Your Type diet as a guide. Notice what media he is exposed to. What goes in comes out, often in behavior.

I think it is reasonable to expect him to put away his toys, to set the table, to fold (as best he is able) his laundry and put it away, get his own breakfast (if not cooked), his own snacks, speak respectfully, help put away groceries, get dressed/undressed, take out and pick his clothes to wear, help with taking out garbage, vacuum (maybe), sweep, clean up spills... I don't suggest these things to make him a slave. They will be good physical/mental exercises for him, and he is showing himself he is part of the family and he will have a sense of pride about it. If he doesn't follow your guidance have him sit in a chair with no toys around it nor things he can reach until he is able to calm himself, get up and complete what he needs to do. I do not shame her into staying there. I just say "this is what you need to do until you are ready to ..." I have had to pick her up and put her back in the chair until she stays and goes about what she needs to do. Being so far along you may not want to lift him. I know at 4 this may be a challenge because he is bigger now. Believe me any steps in the right direction will help a great deal when the baby is here. Let him know what is OK and what is not by your words and action. Being a broken record and consistent to a tee is very important. My daughter does not have time outs and believe me she is quite strong-minded. Sometimes, I tell her I need some space when she goes into a tantrum. She has learned to take her own space when she needs it. When she is in a calm space we talk (generally when she is in my lap) about what happened and I share with her what I feel/think is the best and reasonable vision of what should occur. We start our talks with "I want to talk with you about something..." I let her know how I feel about what happened. I make sure I say all this when she is doing things that are positive too (or maybe just to say "I love you") so those words to her have a lighter (rather than heavy) tone to them. He needs clarity and consistency and probably as much concentrated one-on-one Mom-time as possible. You can even role-play with his toys. This is probably a lot. All we can do as parents is what we can do at any given moment. I hope you are able to take time for yourself as well!
Great Blessings! Happy journeys! Just keep holding the vision you have for him, take steps toward it, and it will all work out.

Some good books are:
Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn
The Continuum Concept by Jean Liedoff
Keepers of the Children by Laura M. Ramirez
Non-violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg
The Guardian Within by Michael Scimeca
(Michael is also a great Family Coach here in GA)

4yo boys are tough. I have 2 boys 6&2. If you feel his behavior is out of control, then it probably is. I use sticker charts for listening and reward at the end of a week. Set simple rules, and give him warnings. Try not to yell (which is very hard to do). After 2 warnings, give him a time out for 4 minutes. Have him help you with simple household chores and make sure to give him a lot of positive praise when he does good stuff. They love to please their mommys. You will probably find he will be gentle and enjoy helping you with the baby...getting diapers, clean clothes, etc...but do not force him to help. Good Luck!

A.,
If your son can hear and talk he is more than capable of following directions and complying. This means he can do lots of things for himself and to help you, but don't over wheln him with stuff you can obviously do. Some little ones love to help. Like folding clothes, their way, picking up toys, etc. If you approach every thing in a loving respectful way he will want to do them and feel good about it and feel like a big boy. No yelling or belittling, hitting or forcing him. One piece of advice to always remember is: Always be consistent in whatever you tell him. If you don't do that he will not be able to comply without confusion and argument. If you set the rules, don't back down or change them. Decide what they will be so that he has the greatest opportunity to be successful in all that he does. Praise for doing what's right and time out for not listening and complying with the set rules. One minute per year of age is the time limit.

Hi A.,

You are so insightful about your own parenting. Setting boundaries is the key to success with our little ones. I'm a parent coach and one of the biggest reasons moms contact me is because they are struggling with confidence and setting boundaries. So, you're not alone! It is very proactive of you to seek support and guidance before you give birth to baby #2! I would like to invite you to explore my website at http://www.noblemother.com

Membership on my site is free and I am offering free on-line workshops on discipline and free group coaching to help moms find more balance. If my philosophy resonates with you, then perhaps you'd like to be a part of the community. You receive weekly parenting tips through email on how to parent your child to be responsible and respectful. But you also gain perspective about what you value and what it is you want to teach your son. I can also help you through my 20 minute get acquainted coaching session on helping you gain more clarity and confidence as a mom. Just email me back to set up your session.

I hope you'll visit my site and that it offers some relief to your mommy overwhelm.

Keep it simple when it comes to rules. If he wants something have him say, "may I please have.." and "thank you" or "no thank you". He should pick his toys up after he is done playing with them. When he is done with his plate/bowl and cup, have him put them on the counter. My daughter is 4yr 5m and she gets her self dressed in the morning. Keep anything you ask of your so, simple. Not to many directions.

Olivia 4.26.04 37lb 44in Regant/GN
Makayla 9.16.06 25lb 33in RF Wizard

you never stated exactly whay you were giving in on or what his beahavior was. What I find to be normal preschool beahvior that might drive you nuts is extreme silliness, lots of energy, some crankiness if he is overtired. Behavior that is normal but needs to be addressed right now before he gets older are back talk and sassiness it's not him finding his voice its him learning to disobey and challenge you, direct disobedience to you and /or ignoring (pretending he didnt hear) a request. Destructive play where he deliberatly destroys toys or things he shouldnt be playing with anyway. It would be good to impliment discipline right away before the baby comes or he is going to associate the new baby with you being hard on him and that will just be probematic. Tedd Tripp has an awesome book out called Shephearding the childs heart its not just the how of discipline but the why and I think thats whats most important. Good luck and stay firm you are his mom for a reson when he is grown you can be his friend right now he needs guidiance and directions and God put you there for that purpose, oh and lots of love too!

Look for a mom's club in your area. Either MOM's Club or mocha moms or MOPS, look online and see if you can find one. It is an invaluable resource to have other mom's in the same boat.

Patience and Consistency! I have a fifteen year old son that is a wonderful child and has been so easy to raise....so far! I have always explained everything to him and talked to him. I never used "baby talk". I ALWAYS followed through with what I threatened. If he ran in a restaurant, I would make him "rewalk" where he had run. Now I have a very rebellious 4 year old neice that visits my inlaws 2 weekends out of the month. No one (grandparents)(parents don't pay a lot of attention and lets the behaviour go until it gets on their nerves and then they hollar at her) disciplines her and when they do, they aren't consistent. When I'm around they "turn her over to me" because she minds me. I have all the patience in the world and I'm stubborn! When I dicipline her, I ALWAYS follow through. I always bend down to her level and we look eye to eye (very important). She has temper tantrums and I hold her until she calms down. She wiggles and flips and flops, screams and cries in my arms until she is tired and sees that she will not be getting her way. Then we "talk". I explain in a calm, loving voice what I expect from her. It wears ME out physically but it gets good results. With my son I would compromise, too. But he was a child that you could reason with. My neice isn't there, yet, but I'm working on it! Don't be afraid that your dicipline with make him not like or love you. It's quite the opposite! My neice sees me and runs and jumps in my arms everytime! She's learning that when "auntie" is around, "auntie" doesn't put up with whining! She respects me. I constantly tell her that I love. I never tell her that she's bad. She is physically a beautiful child but when she's acting up, I tell her that's she's pretty but she's not acting pretty. Just remember...NO ONE WANTS TO BE AROUND AN UNRULY CHILD!!! Discipline now so you can enjoy your children!

I suggest reading books and information by John Rosemond. He has wonderful advice for parents. "Parenting by the Book"is his latest book that every parent should read. He also has wonderful other books too. You do have to be careful what parenting books you read. Some or so much Pyscho babble that you have to weed through. He teaches tradtional Parenting, were the child is not the center of our universe but that they are to respect and learn from their parent(s). I hope this helps.

Consistency is the biggest key. He should only do what is tolerated in your home. Also consider what would be acceptable behaviour if he were a guest in another child's home. He must respect and obey when an adult speaks to him to tell him to do something or to not do a particular thing. He should be picking up his own toys, putting his dirty clothes in the laundry basket, sitting and coloring with your supervision, learing how to print his name, learn is phone number and the names of both parents. He should understand what "speaking in your inside voice" is. Don't run in the house or slam doors. Try to understand what will be acceptable when he goes to school as this will smooth his path as well as keep you from losing your sanity. Time outs can work well as can withholding treats. Work out a reward system for yourself. Get some stickers or stars and let him put them on a paper that's hung on the fridge and when he gets so many he gets a special treat. You can also remove the stars for his not obeying. A "bad" day would result in perhaps a 30 minute earlier bedtime. You can say "the Doctor says" when you are doing _____ it means you are tired and not getting enough rest. Good luck and I hope you get a handle on it all before your next addition. V.

I think you are feeling normal. My grandmother had 11 children and would tell all of us as we became mothers that we would sometime feel overwhelmed and like brand new parents. In those moments realize that God would not entrust these precious creatures to you unless you could handle it, take a very deep breath, and do the best you know how. We were given instincts to help us through & with prayer these will guide you. Good luck!

Hi A., I think that it is important for you to set your household rules and most importantly, stick to them and be consistent! You can use time outs (one minute for each year old your child is), taking away privilages, removing a favorite toy for a day, etc. There are some great resources for parenting, Love and Logic, is one of the best. Just "google" Love and Logic. Also, have you considered some parenting classes? We all need help as a parent, and some classes or some parenting therapy/help can be wonderful to give us guidance and ideas! It can also give you guidance about what is normal rebellious behavior for a child of 4, and what is you son taking advantage of the situation. Again, my advice is the most important thing is consistency. You may want to post 3-4 of the most important "house" rules on the fridge and go over them daily. I wouldn't choose more than this at this time. Another technique is a simple behavior chart with rewards (stickers or something like that) when your son complies and then a tiny reward at the end of the day if he gets, say, 3 out of 4 stickers. At 4, don't pick too many items for him to follow. Another technique is to teach him to follow directions, teach him in 4 components- look at the person, say yes, repeat the direction, follow the direction. This is a simple way to teach this social skill to young ones. Also, lots, lots of praise when he completes anything you ask of him (brushing his teeth, looking at you in the eye when you ask him something, anytime he does what you ask" Say, "thank you for doing what I ask, mommy really likes that" Or, "I really like the way you cleaned up your toys when I asked". Just pile on the praise whenever he does what you want. Make it clear up front what will happen if he doesn't do what you ask. One, Two, Three Magic is another great system for little ones. Best of luck- I have twin one year olds, so I'm sure I'll be asking lots of the same questions when they are 4!

I'm also very saddened to see someone giving you birth control advice, being a single mom may be tough, but it in no way takes away your right to have children, or to be a wonderful, loving parent to as many children as you wish! F.

Hi A.,
I am a teacher of 3 and 4 year olds.I have 4 children of my own and have taught for 20 years.
Kids truly do best when they have structure in their lives. They need to know their boundaries and your expectations of them. The boundaries help them to learn to make good decisions where behavior is concerned. These skills will follow them into their adult life. It is never too late to start. Motherhood was NEVER meant to be easy and you won't always be your child's best friend. You can be that when they are graduating from college.
I always follow the rule of "Say what you mean and DO what you say." That simply means, don't throw out idle threats and then don't follow through. Once he learns the "boundaries" he can make a personal choice to obey the rules or to make a bad decision and not to follow them. Of course, you have already had that conversation with him about losing tv privileges, favorite toys, etc. SO, he won't be surprised when you say that that thing is gone for the night. He can always have a chance to earn back his privileges but he needs to realize how fast he can lose them.
I have a waiting list for my class at school. The parents know my reputation for being a LOVING, structured, teacher. It truly works and my adult children thank me all the time for being "such a good mom to them".
Good luck!
Cathy

You are right, God os entrusting you with two little angels, and it is your job to keep them angels. Your boys are not toys they are just small, immature, to be adults. Children have to be raised from day one. You cannot make harrorable brats out of them when they are cute, sweet, and cuddley wee ones and expect them to be any different when they get older. You are the adult. They have no one but you for guidence. It is perfectly ok to let them know that in order to give them good guidence, you have to be srern and firm. Parents that truly love their children, love them with a firm hand.
God intrusted me with two wonderful children, one when I was 16 and one at 19. At that young age, I still took parienthood very serious. I never put decision making on their shoulders. I made the rules and they obeyed them. I now have two adult perfessionals. If you love them, give them a shot at a good future. If they don't respect you, they won't respect any form of authority.
VT

Well, I think we all need some input and help when it comes to raising our children. There are LOTS of books on child-rearing out there -many with different ideas -but I would advise you to go to your local bookstore (Borders on Ponce has a better selection than Barnes and Noble on Edgewood if you live intown), and look over some books about raising children and raising boys. Your local library is great for this too -and you're not stuck with a book you wind up hating. Also -Google "child rearing", "raising boys", "parenting", etc. You'll get TONS of sites to visit and you can read over them often getting lots of helpful tips and ideas.

It's my experience with my 2 year old boy and having another in October myself -and watching other little boys and girls interact -that boys are VERY willful and often really feral acting in general -moreso than girls (in general). Like I said -those are generalizations. Also -it's just a hallmark of young children, and really children of any age that they test all of their boundaries and all the rules or boundaries you set for them to see what they can get away with and how far they can push you. It's not meanness -it's curiousity!

I totally get that -- I'd suggest you go to the library and get some books on preschoolers. That'll help you to figure out if you're expecting too much (a little adult) or if your child is doing what children do best: pushing the limits and hoping you'll give up! Congratulations on the new one and good luck!

A.,
Have you read any of the Babywise books by Ezzo and Buckman? They are wonderful straightforward guides to setting boundaries for your children from the beginning. I won't say that our two boys are always angels because of it, but I feel more in control and able to figure out how to guide them. Maybe start with On Becoming Preschoolwise, then read On Becoming Babywise, so you can learn how to get your new baby on a schedule and fit his time with his brother's and yours and your husband's. Congratulations on your pregnancy!
M.

You need help NOW, before that new baby shows up. Your 4 year old is about to have his world turned upside down,
this is really a huge transition, and it's almost always rocky. He'll need lots of love and reassurance, and you'll need lots and lots and lots and LOTS of patience.

First, I want to recommned two books to help you with "typical" four year old issues (not related to the "new baby" issues). Once the new baby shows up, you'll have NO TIME for reading, so go online now and order these books:
"Positive Discipline for Preschoolers" and
"How to Behave so your Preschooler Will, Too."
There's also a good one called "Siblings Without Rivalry", but it's mostly geared toward moms of older kids. It's a classic now, so you can probably get it used on Amazon for just a few dollars.

There are lots of books for children that are about to become big brothers. We really liked "Little Tiger's Big Surprise" - I hammed it up and make funny voices and faces so it was silly fun. "On Mother's Lap" is also sweet. And "My baby brother is a monster!" lets older kids know that it's OK to be angry. Lots of kids say things like "I wish I didn't HAVE a brother at all!" Brace yourself to hear that and don't get upset at him for expressing those kinds of feelings.

We made a big deal about "OK, this baby is going to be YOUR brother. Mom and Dad will help you take care of him and do things like diaper changes and feeding, but he's YOUR brother, OK?" And we talked about what kinds of things he'll be able to teach his baby brother to do when he gets bigger. He helped do some of the shopping for the baby and picked out some baby clothes (a wild tie dye!)

And after the baby was born, the first time the older son came to visit (in the hospital), I figured he wanted mostly to see mom, so I made sure I wasn't holding the baby when he came in the room. He was able to come in, get a mom hug, and I waited until HE asked "Where is he? Let me see him!" (I didn't have to wait long.)

When the big brother kept the baby from rolling off the bed one time, we made a big deal about "saving his brother" and being a hero. A REAL hero, not just a superhero that's in the cartoons. I think we even immediately called up the grandparents to tell them all about it. Boy, he really loved that! He kept a super sharp eye on his brother for weeks, hoping to keep him from taking a tumble.

And we still point out to my older son (now 5) that the baby (now a toddler) loves HIM best of all - more than Daddy, more than Mommy - more than ANYONE. (Actually, I think my son and I tie for first). I ask "Who does Rob love more than anyone else?" (older son smiles points to his chest.) "And who is Rob's hero?" (again, points to his chest.)

I understand how you feel. It is difficult to raise a child by yourself and to me even harder to rase men... My suggestion is try to put him in Tae Kwon Do or Karate.. It teaches him discipline..
Now please do not put him in any program.. Make sure the teacher is really good and is willing to teach their students discipline.
Sometimes this helps.. Good Luck