6 Year Old That Can't Break Away from Activities to Use the Bathroom

My youngest used to do this and what I did to stop it was send him to school with clean underwear and pants. He was so embarrassed that he started taking the time to go at school. The teacher should pay attention too. I know the teacher has 20 or more students but she should notice if there's someone with a mess in their pants. My son's teacher did.

At 6 years old, she is old enough to go on her own, have you talked to her about the types of infections she could get from holding it and how painful they are? I think if I was in that situation, I would tell her that if she can't use the potty like she neeeds to then she may have to wear pull-ups to school, don't say it in a way to embaress her, just as a fact. It really unhealthy to hold it and could lead to futher problems, so the sooner you can get her to go...on her own, I think the better it would be.

Good luck, 6 is such a stubborn age.

It seams the problem here is her priorities. If she were taken home or away from the things she thinks she is missing, then she should figure out that she is missing more from going home or being taken from the fun then if she were to take a few minutes to go potty. Also, her social life will definitely be affected. This will stay with her for the rest of her school years and seriously affect her self esteem. This could be an issue with you working, but spending a couple days on this will produce the results you want and be best for your daughter. Telling her she can't go to school then keeping her home the day after, so as not to bother the other people and damage her body if she wets her pants could be enough to motivate her. Talking to her about the illnesses she will get if this continues will help educate her as well. As you well know your first responsibility is to train your children. If she doesn't do this at home much, then the obvious cause to her wetting her pants is school, and this consecuence could be all you need to get her to change her priorities. One of the hardest things for parents is to find a consequence that fits "the crime" and this would definately be a good match! Good Luck!

Hi S.,
My son did the same thing, he had some medical consequences because of it and some problems at school. Hopefully the following will help.

He too didn't want to go because he was afraid he might miss something and then didn't want to go because there was so much it hurt. Several things happened, one his chair at school started to smell, the teacher was cleaning it with disinfectant but said the smell was starting to permeate the room and we had to figure out how to deal with the problem. I took him to the Dr. because he wouldn't go # 2 and held it in for a week. The Dr. said he had been holding it in so much for so long that it had 'stretched his intestines', we ended up with him on miralax for several months to soften his stools for a long period of time so his intestines could get back to normal. We also used prunes and natural foods but the miralax made it regular and hard for him to hold it in for long periods of time.

We also had talks about what this was doing to his body, at 6 they are old enough to understand, and we made a time schedule that he had to sit on the toilet, as per the Dr.'s orders. Right after eating he had to sit on the toilet for at least 10 minutes, relax and try to go. The Dr. said the body sends signals after you eat to go and my son had been ignoring his body's signals for so long it wasn't responding on it's own anymore. I would go to school at lunch and go with him to the bathroom and have him sit there and try to go, it slowly started to work amidst a lot of complaining but it got his body reacting correctly again. We also did this at home after breakfast and supper. He doesn't always go but it allowed the body to get back on a schedule and also made it clear to my son that he had to listen to his body as he was missing out on more by having to do this schedule.

We made a big deal at first about the success's and then as they became more regular we started cutting back on the miralax until I just didn't say anymore about the fact he wasn't taking the medicine and how he had become regular again. Hurrah!

During this time I also did what one of the other moms suggested as to clean up. He had started hiding his underwear around the house, under beds, in the tops of closets because he didn't want to get in trouble. So instead of punishing him with out side things, ie. toys being taken away, timeouts..., things that weren't working anyhow and making things worse in other areas, the consequence became cleaning up his own mess. Rinsing out his underwear and getting them to the laundry, showering or at least doing a lower body rinse after each episode so he didn't smell. This had a bigger impact that any other punishment. If I found hidden clothes, he had to come deal with them.

My frustration level was very high during part of this but I found the calmer I could stay and the more scientific the talk about why the body gets rid of the waste and what happens if it doesn't, it's poison to our bodies, the better his reaction was. It did take time but all is well now.

Good luck and stay positive!
SarahMM

S.,

We had this problem. First, I agree with the ladies that said for her to clean up her own messes. If it is happening at school, she should have changes of clothes in the nurses office. When she has an accident, she should have the freedom to go down and take care of it. We talked to the teacher about this and our daughter just had to ask to go to the "bathroom". Make sure she can go to the bathroom whenever she asks! If she was gone a bit longer than normal, the teacher knew she was cleaning herself up and changing clothes. The nurse would call us so we could come pick up her clothes. It is not sanitary for her to carry her own wet or soiled clothes home in her backpack, even if they put them in a ziplock.
Now, as far as getting her to go to the bathroom... With our daughter, we first sat down with the teacher. We also invited the school counselor, nurse and principal so that everyone in the building knew this was a serious issue for us. Minutes of the meeting were taken and given to her music, PE, computer teacher ect. We sat down with the class schedule and figured out times (about every hour and a half or so) when she HAD to go the bathroom and try. We picked times during transition like five minutes before leaving for music or right after coming in from lunch recess. We were very careful not to interupt instruction time and not to take away from her fun activities like recess or music.
After our meeting, the teacher put little tiny marks on the classroom board next to the schedule indicating when our daughter needed a reminder to go. This was to remind the teacher to remind our daughter. Our daughter went to try whether she thought she needed to go or not. We did not give her a choice - she had to go try. We also had to talk about what trying means, being very specific about how long she had to sit. This worked for a while. Then, the teacher got busy.
Our next stop was bedwetting.com This is where you can find the fancy watches. We invested in the one that vibrates and you can set the exact times you want the alarm to go off, up to twelve alarm times. We liked the vibrate function because then nobody else but her knew the alarm went off. Other watches can be set to go off every hour, but we chose the one that we can set to the exact time so that it fit with her classroom schedule. This was very, very, very successful. It was worth every penny we paid for that watch. The watch is not waterproof, so our daughter liked wearing it on her ankle since she was now washing her hands a lot, too. The watch is a bit big and the face gets scratched up, but it reminded her to go and she did not have a choice, so she went.

We also saw a urologist and had several medical tests done. However, if your daughter does not have these issues at home, then it is probably not a physical issue. However, if she does not learn to keep herself clean, it will become a medical issue. We also increased bran, but we did not go so far as to give her laxatives. If constipation is your daughters issue, then use the mild laxatives!
We really focused on the keeping yourself clean aspect. Instead of focusing on the accidents, we focused on keeping clean and staying clean. She understood about germs and had good handwashing habits, so she could connect with the importance of staying clean more easily. When she went a week without an accident (finally), we deleted one of the alarm times. We adjusted the number of alarms over the next couple of months, sometimes adding, sometimes taking away, until one day, we were able to delete the last one! Success!

Also, I don't know if you are close to Children's Hospital in Denver, but they have a wonderful pediatric urology department. They used to have parent classes you could attend to help with this very issue. I don't know if they still do that, but you can call them.

I do not agree with the moms that say to put her in pullups or pods or anything else. Put her in regular panties.
(If you told me she was having nighttime problems, I would suggest differently.)

We did do the sticker chart thing with a reward for staying clean so many days in a row, but this did not motivate our daughter. Maybe it will help with yours. I don't agree with the punishing or taking away of toys. Learning to go to the bathroom without being told in a new setting is a skill that needs to be learned. Most get it easily, but some don't. If your daughter had trouble learning how to ride her bike, you wouldn't be taking her doll away from her. Focus on training her to go before it is an emergency, to listen to her body and to make it a habit to visit the bathroom often - just to try.

Finally, let me just encourage you. I promise, she will not always have this problem. This too will pass!
Our daughter is now in 4th grade. She stopped having daytime wetting issues long ago (the nighttime took her a bit longer). At her last yearly checkup, the doctor asked, "Are there any other concerns?" It felt good to say, "No concerns now."

Please feel free to contact me if you have any other questions.

Stay strong,
Theresa

At home, watch her carefully. As soon as you see signs that she needs to relieve herself, stop the activity and take her to the bathroom. Also plan frequent restroom breaks. Help her experience that it is ok to stop and go potty.
How frequent does she need to go to the bathroom? You may want to take her to her pediatrician to rule out other, medical causes. Maybe she really can't help it. At least you'll know where to start, and the Dr. may have other suggestions.

Hi S.,
My daughter had a similar problem. Just stay positive with her. Tell her you know that it is hard to miss a few minutes of class but that peeing her pants is NEVER a choice. Reassure her that the teacher will tell her about anything she may have missed. Then, for a while, you could try treats or special activities or something positive for her to earn for coming home with clean clothes. Children are always more motivated by the hope for something positive than the fear of something negative (like punishment). Also, make sure she isn't afraid of the actual bathroom at school. My daughter had a hard time opening the door and was afraid it would slam on her fingers. Once we figured that out we were able to teach her how to open the door so that she wasn't afraid of it.
Take care,
B.

I have a 9 year old who has never really been properly toilet trained. Obviously we have tried every available method...Recently his doctor determined that his colon was severly impacted due to withholding and that in his present condition he was unable to detect the feeling to go. At the doctors direction we are giving him mega doses of an over the counter laxative and a daily enema for 3 days to "clean him out". The doctor feels that when the feeling comes back the boy will start using the toilet properly. (I hope this works!) We have support from school they send him to the bathroom at least twice a day - allowing him to make the right choice. I haven't figured out why he won't do the right thing in the first place...but we are dealing with the consequences and hoping for the best.

S.,

Your daughter's school should have regular times that children are encouraged to use the restroom. Perhaps your daughter is afraid of using the restroom when other children (especially older children) are also using it.

Taking toys away doesn't make sense to me.

I don't believe that your daughter enjoys her incontinance therefore there must be a bigger underlying problem that has worse conquences in her mind. Instead of concentrating on punishment, perhaps its time to assist her to feel safe enough to tell you her truth about why she doesn't want to use the restroom.

With my whole heart,
C. TLC (Transition Life Coach)
Loving Connections LLC

What is loving connections?
Caring enough to share your whole heart.

I have taught Kindergarten and 1st grade and I have seen several children with the same problem. Often there is a medical component, and you may want to talk to your pediatrician. Some children use a special watch that gives them an alarm to remind them to go potty (you can look them up on-line, I'm not sure what they are called, try "potty wrist watch"). One little boy was simply very stubborn and did not want to go. When he had accidents he worried terribly that the other children would know. After talking to his parents, we decided that although I NEVER made a spectacle of him, or publicly commented about his accidents, I would not hide him from the class either. He had to go to the bathroom, clean himself up and change his own clothes. This did seem to help. As much as you do not want your daughter to feel bad in front of friends, often it is embarrassment and curious comments of peers that change a child's behavior more than anything we might say. Realize of course I never encouraged or allowed children to tease or be mean, but they knew, and he was certain that they knew. I know this is frustrating. Good luck.

The teacher cannot remind your daughter, I can say with a classroom full of kids and a curriculum to follow they take certain breaks at specific times but they expect the child to do it themselves and know when to go.

With that said, do a chart at home, for every day she goes by herself and stays dry, reward her with a sticker. At the end of the month a specific number of stickers equals a special treat.
I would say too, explaining or having your Pediatrician explain to your daughter her holding it, or not going when she should can lead to infections in her bladder.

If she is teased then the teacher should address that big time. There are a lot of kids that have accidents in starting school. Adjustments and changes can disrupt potty trained kids big time.

If you are truly really concerned stick a pullup on her, make sure you always pack extra clothes.

If the teacher can't use a timer to remind her to go at certain times, then maybe you could get her a watch with an alarm set on it, so she goes when the alarm goes off. I know teachers are busy and have a classroom of kids and a curriculum to follow, but we use a timer in our toddler room with several potty trainers to consider and we also have a curriculum to follow. Just a thought!
Training her at home will help as well, watching for those "signs" and talking to her about them, so that she recognizes them - that has really helped with my daughter, who's also in 1st grade.

Seems like you've done everything you can and now the rest is up to her. Like you, I think she's going to get teased at school. Perhaps that will solve it, though it's the painful route.

Your daughter sounds like my daughter. You didnt state if she was urinating or if it was bowel trouble, but I suspect it must be bowel. Let me share with you what I learned. My daughter has chronic constipation. Even the smallest discomfort once can start the cycle. I was like you, thinking that it was a behavior problem, and tried talking to her, telling her kids would make fun of her if they smelled the poo smell. I took away toys, priviledges, anything but nothing worked. Then I saw a Dr. Phil show that featured a family with two boys that had the same problem. What happens is, the hard part of the poo that is old pushes on the colon and rectum until the child becomes desensitized, so they no longer can feel the urges to go. Then the new fresh poo (that is soft) pushes past the hard clog, and into the underware. It is called encompresis, and can be very serious. At one time, the bowel backed up into my daughters stomach. Believe me, I know how you feel. We give my daughter miralax everyday, which works wonderful. We also make bran muffins for her and she eats activia which actually helped a lot more than I thought it would. I would talk to your doctor, because you may be like me, assuming that the problem is her behavior, when in reality it may be something she cant control.

My son is 2 yrs old, so I really can't speak for kids these days. But, I do remember in 1st and 2nd grade, the whole class took regular potty breaks, like after playing and after lunch. Heck, I even remember in 5th grade we had a set time of day for the bathroom. They don't do that anymore?

S.,

What a tough situation. I don't have a six year old. But I think if I were in your position I would buy her those special underwear they have on Leaps and Bounds (overnight version).

And I would talk to her counselor at school and your pediatrician (without your daughter around). Then once a plan was formulated between her school counselor, your pediatrician, her teacher and you I would have a sit down meeting between you, her dad and her. Just lay out the plan and discuss what social problems could occur and also medical problems (diaper rash, pimples, etc.) if she continues not using the restroom at school.

good luck! Oh, make sure she doesn't have a urinary track infection as well.

R.

My son used to do this too, but he was 4 at the time so he wasn't in school yet. It especially happened when he was playing outside. He didn't want to stop playing to go in the house to use the bathroom so he would have accidents.
The thing that finally worked was to let him take care of it all himself. When he had an accident he had to clean up wherever it happened, put his wet clothes in the washer, give himself a shower and get himself dressed in clean clothes. Sometimes I would have to clean up a little more after him but I wouldn't let him see me do it. I wanted to make sure he knew it was his responsibility to clean up after himself and that he was old enough to do so. This was so much more work for him than stopping his activity and using the bathroom that the accidents started happening less and less and eventually stopped altogether.
I don't know if your daughter is doing this at home too, or if this approach would help her, but maybe if it was solved at home this way it would be easier to help her with it at school. It might not be possible since you're working, but maybe you could even have the teacher call you to come pick her up when this happens at school. After the first few times, when she sees that she is missing more by having to go home and clean up, she might make more effort to use the bathroom.