4 Year Old Daughter Regression and Behavior Issues

This is not uncommon. Heck, I even get potty issues with my 8-year old when she's having trouble at mommy's with little sister!

We've always told her that she gets special privileges because she is older, but only if she ACTS like an older sister. We make a big deal out of these (they include staying up late, having special time with daddy, etc). If she regresses we take those privileges away, making sure she knows. She has to go to bed really early. She can't have "big girl" dessert. And we ignore some behavior (like baby talk) and let her know when she's ready to act her age we will pay attention to her. You could try completely ignoring the hitting and biting. Don't look at her, just move away. You could mention once (I'm not going to ___ for you until you start behaving) and then ignore. If hitting and biting doesn't get the intended result (attention) she'll stop. She will probably turn up the drama at that point, but then you know it's working. Simply continue to ignore and she'll sort of blow up, then stop. She's only continuing to hit and bite because it gets a reaction and she's decided it's a solution for her. So...make it so it's not a solution.

Also, letting her know her role helps too. Sometimes kids don't understand their new role, all they know is what they used to do (which is be a baby) and they see their sibling acting like a baby and getting attention. Giving her jobs and helping her to know what a Big Sister does seems to help. I don't think it's just the attention they need, but also they need to feel needed.

Perhaps putting her in "charge" of teaching your youngest to potty train will help? Suddenly she will feel older and needed, and I would bet the accidents would stop! She will want to be the example.

Good luck!

sounds like you're doing all you can to give her one on one attention. She just needs to learn that life is not always the way we want it to be. My strategy for physical behavior like that would be a very loud OUCH that hurts and a firm time out separated from everyone else. She is old enough to know it is completely unacceptable. Let her know if she is going to be mean to others she will not get the attention she wants and send her to her room or wherever time out can be that is not where she can see you. You may need to do more then the normal minute per age if she is really not getting it- perhaps a few more minutes for each time. If she screams just let the time go til she is calm. I hope you can break this soon for all of your sake s. It's a hard lesson we all have to learn!

Hi there ~ couldn't help but feel for you with your situation. I've been there... my two are three years apart and my daughter had a very hard time with sharing our attention with her little brother in the beginning. We eventually started a "star" behavior chart for her! Her preschool at the time (a coop) frowned on using a "reward" chart (their term not mine) when I shared what I was doing with them... she was also acting out at school occasionally. The Star Behavior chart was very successful for us and it let her know way ahead of time what to expect if she chose hurtful or helpful behavior. It also taught her that with her choices came consequences or a positive reaction ~ for every action there is a reaction... be it positive or negative.

My kids are 6 and 3 now and, of course, they still act out and feel jealous of one another from time to time... our system has changed and now we use the green/yellow/red behavior chart but it's still outlines that they are in charge of their choices but with every choice they make there is still a positive or a negative reaction (E,G., if they stay in "the green" they earn extra privileges like they can have a friend over and do something extra fun with them like face-painting, etc.... and if they get a "red" sad face... they start to lose a privilege... like no friend over this week or losing tv time or sometimes even their ballet or gymnastic classes that week).

I hope our story or suggestions help ~ it's not easy, especially at 3-4 yrs old since this is where it's so important for them to really become 'an individual' and yet their still not able to articulate their feelings enough and use words effectively.

I think you're doing a great job, though, by spending extra one-on-one time, etc., but somehow for them at this age to really see on a big chart (like more of a fun game) how they're doing at the “house rules” (that’s what we call them anyway). It has helped to boost their own ability to see the rewards or benefits of their choices with positive behavior... and as they get into public and/or private elementary school... this is how teachers really do reward good behavior with extra "stars" and privileges in the classroom.

Let me know if you'd like to "chat" sometime via email, etc. I'm happy to exchange other ideas that have worked for us! It’s never easy... but it does get better, i promise ;-) .

~ dida

My son and most of his friends also had potty-training regression issues at that age. Most of his friends have younger siblings, but my son and two of his friends are only children, so I don't think it's purely sibling rivalry.

I suggest you treat each sibling differently, as age-appropriate and according to their abilities and needs. If you begin treating them the same (with regard to potty training), you've created a precedent which will grow into expectations. The elder sibling will expect to get away with behaving below potential, while the younger will expect to be treated to privileges and responsibilities beyond her ability to manage.

If you implement my advice, don't be surprised to hear "not fair!" when you treat the two girls differently. Just calmly explain that older children have/should have more control of their body, and that your decisions are based on what's best for each of them.

What a difficult time for your family. I would recommend setting aside at least a half hour every day to spend quality one on one time with your daughter. Weekly dates are too far apart and volunteering at her school still doesn't let you give her the direct attention she feels she needs now. Your daughter needs to understand that things in your family have changed and she can't always be the center of attention so continue with the consequences for naughty behavior and try to explain to her that you spent time with her now you have other things you need to do. Then try to catch her being good, and reward with praise, hug, etc.

It's called sibling rivalry and very normal. Your daughter wants your attention and can't tell you she is jealous of her baby sister. Before her sister was more or less a lump (in her eyes), now she is not. Try hard to give her one on one time and to do things with both girls that are pleasurable. Encourage her to play with her sister and when things get heated separate them. Teach her to say what she wants and to help guide her sister.
My two daughters (11 and 7) used to fight like cats and dogs....and at times still do. =) But they are the best of friends now! Help guide the older child in dealing with her sister. "remember when you were 5 you used to do that too...how did we handle it, do you remember?". Now that might be a little old for your daughter to absorb but the idea is the same. Be patient with her, she will get over it eventually. =)