Hi there,
I wrote a post a few weeks ago about my 4-year old who is going through a rough time. She is regressing big time, trying to assert her control, and seems to be having a new wave of jealousy of her baby brother who just turned 1 year old.
We spoke to her pediatrician, a therapist, and her school, and everyone seems to think she is going through a healthy rebellion phase. (Before this she had always been really well behaved and didn't need much disciplining.) But I'm so worried about her, and our whole family is operating in crisis mode because of her constant refusal to do ANYTHING we ask of her and her constant meltdowns and temper tantrums. She's even wet her bed twice and had an accident today just before making it on the potty (she's been accident-free for over a year, so this is a big deal). She's also having a really hard time making decisions.
She is behaving well at school, so everyone is telling me it is a phase of pushing boundaries at home because she is trying to find herself. She is having a hard time growing up between being a baby and a big girl. But it seems so extreme! Has anyone else gone through this?
She has had no other change in her life. She is always with me and her daddy or at school (4th year at this school), or with our trusted babysitter of 4 years. I think she is well taken care of when I'm not with her. She loves school and her friends there.
Could this still be jealousy of her baby brother? He is just learning to walk and he is really adorable, so maybe that's part of the problem. I am home with him while she's at school.
Anyway, please let me know if your little one has had a phase like this and what helped it pass more quickly. She seems to really be suffering, and so are the rest of us! I'd love to hear encouraging words! :)
TIA!!!
Dr. Sears has some great advice on handling situations like this here
http://askdrsears.com/topics/parenting/discipline-behavior
http://askdrsears.com/topics/parenting/discipline-behavio...
and sibling rivalry tips here:
http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/parenting/discipline-beh...
Good luck, it's not an easy phase to get through!
Since several trained people have told you this is normal rebellion I urge you to find ways to handle this rebellion. Sounds like you've gotten into a power struggle with her.
I'd try leaving her alone for the most part. Have a few firm rules that you enforce in a calm manner. A counselor recommended to my daughter a course of action when she was having difficulty getting her children to mind.
She said to send them to their room when they refuse to do as told. It's similar to a time out but not. They can play in their room but they can't come out until they say they're sorry and then do what they've been asked to do. No battle of wills here. Just a quiet enforcement of the one rule that is if you're not cooperating you're in your room.
At first, my daughter had to take them to their rooms. After a week or so they went on their own most of the time. That first week or two is rough. You have to be consistent and calm. No anger on your part while allowing your child to express his anger appropriately. He can yell and scream but he goes to his room and stays there until he's able to say sorry and do what is asked.
Do not do this for potty accidents unless it's intentional. If she's upset she may not be able to control her urine which would qualify for some sympathy. If, however, you can see that she's done this intentionally, then do send her to her room until she's willing to help clean up the mess.
When you tell her how you're going to handle her anger and refusal to cooperate be gentle and sympathetic. Tell her you know this is hard for her. A therapist once used this phrase with my daughter and it helped our situation alot. She said, "it sucks to be you. I know you're having a hard time."
When she's being calm and cooperative give her lots of positive attention. Give lots of hugs and praise. Make time to do things with just her.
The fact that she does well elsewhere certainly is an indication that she's acting out at home because of jealousy. Combine the jealousy with being 4 and trying to find her way to some independence and you have rebellion.
I think that it is amazing when parents can avoid sibling rivalry. I look back and remember when my sister was born when I was seven. I had been the only grandchild etc..
It may sound funny all these years later but seriously, I understand your daughter. There are so many issues that can effect the rest of her life. Even though it may seem silly. I would find a good family therapist that specializes in kids and take her in to at least get an evaluation. At the very least she can give you tools to handle this transition.
Jealousy is an awful emotion and when you are a kid... and feel out of control... it can feel awful.
It sounds very normal. I know this is stressful for you but it does sound like she is trying to get attention and is getting it. Are you making sure you spend one on one time with her exclusively? Also, make sure you continue to be consistent with her routine and discipline. 4 year olds still know the action and consequence. I have three and oh boy they sure fight for attention! Hang in there. Right now it's a phase and I am glad that you are looking for ways to help. Here's a {Hug}
I have walked your path. My older daughter was 4 and my younger daughter 1. People would fawn over the baby while completely ignoring my other daughter. They would exclaim that my daughter was so beautiful. I would tell them that I had two beautiful daughters pointing to my 4 year old. They would then exclaim Well yes you do. It seemed to get worse when the younger one was two. My older daughter then five asked me to stop mentioning her when strangers came up. It was heartbreaking. I told her that I wanted people to know that she was also my daughter and beautiful too. And she is. But she didn't remember when she was two and people fawned over her. She informed me that I had to believe she is beautiful she is my daughter. She told me that the only reason that people agree with me was not to be rude. She said " What are they going to say Mom," No she is ugly." I told her that when she was a baby people did the same. That people are programmed to ooh and aah over babies. She had always been good with her sister but told me that day. " I just want to know why wasn't I good enough? I said "Are you crazy? It is because you are so beautiful and sweet that I wanted another child. Do you think if you were horrible that I would have wanted another one?" She then said "Well, how would you feel if I got another Mom ?" It really clarified just how deeply she was hurt by all of the attention her sister was gettint.To make matters worse the baby was very possessive and would try to push her away if she felt she was getting too much attention from me. These two are still working on sibling rivalry even though they are much better now. Just imagine if everytime people came around the fawned and made a big deal about the very person that seemed to take everything away from you. Your daughter was your baby. In her eyes you have replaced her. As adults we know that more loved ones=more love. But she only knows that before He came along She was the center of attention and now she misses that. She is not sure how she lost her place in the family. She probally also feels jealous of other members of the family. She is not acting out so much as acting Hurt. If your parents at the age you are now where to bring another woman home and say Honey... meet your new sister isn't she just so beautiful, wonderful, smell good, delightful adorable. Just watch your new sister. Everything she does is Wonderful!" You would be deeply hurt. What I did was to ask all of the family and friends to make sure that they addressed my older daughter first as much as they did the younger one. I also asked them to remember that she is still very much a little girl and needs to hear how wonderful they think she is... even if they have told her before. I would tell my older daughter that she was my favorite 5 year old in the whole univers. And I would tell my two year old that she was favorite 2 year old on the whole planet. Michaela seemed to slowly get he footing back. But it took her a couple of years. Make special dates with just you and your daughter. No babies allowed! Have other family members do the same. I think you will find that aqs she becomes confident that her place in your heart is secure that the little girl you know so well, will return. And feed into her self worth by exclaiming that you just don't know how you would manage without her. Make her promise that she will never leave you with just the boys very long! That you need her prescense to balance the family. Believe me, even at a very young age children understand equality.
Hi , I wanted to add about the potty issue. We went through this when my daughter turned 4 and like you I was concerned so I talked to her pediatrition. He informed me that this can happen when they have a growth spurt up until they are 7. The bladder is a muscle just like any other in the body and when it grows it can hold more urine but the child then has to learn to control it all over again so a few accidents can happen. Don't make a big deal about this. Also we have experienced a difficult time every time my daugter changed age. For a while it's like she struggles to adapts to the new expectations the new age brings. She is 5 now and a summer baby so just after her birthday a new school year with new classes, friends ect. starts. I have heard the transition form toddler to big kid is hard so just be patients. Maybe some spescial alone mom or dad dates would help. Good luck.
Four is a very very hard age... We didn't go through terrible twos or threes with our daughter but man oh man, 4 came and we got it with both barrels!!
We also have a younger sibling in the picture and that compounds it even more.
At four they are old enough to do many things for themselves, and we expect them to do them. But at times, they don't *want to do them. They are trying to find the boundaries and are also trying to figure how how to get what they want, and testing ways to do that either on their own or by seeing how friends act.
My daughter used to tell me that she "couldn't" do things that she was easily able to do, like get dressed. Because I had to still dress her brother (because he was younger and truly couldn't, she had a perception that her was getting more attention. I expected her to dress herself because she is older and able to do it.) So what I started doing was saying, " I know that you can get dressed all by yourself. I help brother get dressed because he's too little to do it himself. Do you WANT Mommy to help you get dressed this time?" Just giving that little bit of extra and teaching her to say what she really meant made a huge difference. It will also help her later if you label and validate her feelings with her. " You seem frustrated that you can't button that button." "Are you jealous that I have to change brother's diaper now and I can't read with you? We can read together as soon as I'm done."
I highly recommend 3 books... Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child, How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and Listen SO Your Kids Will Talk, and Siblings Without Rivalry. Any and all of these books will help all of you get through this and beyond. Believe me after 4 there are more difficult roads to navigate!
Good luck!! She'll get through it and so will you :)
Hi there,
Sounds like a rough time for you all! My advice is to ease up a little on the worry and emphasize the positive. Find things to praise her for, find things to say "yes" to and give her some special jobs.
My daughter is also 4 (almost 5) and I've seen her behavior changing lately too. More defiance, more talking back and more potty accidents. In my daughter's case, I think her behavior is more due to a huge mental growth spurt rather than sibling rivalry. Maybe this is also true for you daughter? My girl needs to play almost desperately now. She's learning so much and needs to assimilate her new knowledge. When she doesn't get enough play time is when we get bad behavior. Similarly, I think she's so involved in play that she's waiting too long for the potty again. The potty situation doesn't bother me too much. I just ask that she lets me know so I can clean it up promptly.
I recommend books by Dr. Brazelton. He talks about milestones (touchpoints, he calls them) and how children (all of us?) regress right before major milestones. It's an interesting theory and has helped me be more sympathetic to my children when they're behaving badly.
Good luck. Try not to worry too much.
I would try praising the postive. Every time you see her behaving in a manner you like, being polite, listening to directions, doing what she was asked, nice to the baby, praise her heavily. When she does act out, be firm & consistent, react calmly to the misdeed, dole out the punishment, have a brief chat about it afterwards & then move one. Don't ignore the wrong behavior but also don't give it too much attention which then gives it more power. Best of luck!
I hear you! We are still going through this at age 5. My son didn't mind so much when his sister was born but once she could move about, things changed. They are now 3 & 5 and he does everything in his power to tease, bother, torment her. He has become worse at listening to adults instructions (except at school where he behaves just fine) - he often tries to plain ignore us. He requires constant discipline and even tries to talk back sometimes. However if there are third parties around (i.e. grandparents, aunts etc) where he can get more attention, he doesn't really bother his sister much and listens to directions much better. My husband says this is normal behavior - his brother tormented him. But it drives me crazy! I have to have faith that since he behaves ok at school and around others that it is just a phase. He is trying to assert some power within the family unit. You are not the only one with sibling issues. Sorry I have no answers, just empathy. Good luck!
Hi H.,
I am sorry you are faced with this difficult situation. I can hear in your voice you want to relieve the suffering your daughter is experiencing. I am not sure if you are open to natural medicine but I would seek out a homeopath to discuss this with. I am a licensed acupuncturist and herbalist who specializes in pediatrics and if I had a patient with your daughter's picture I would use homeopathic remedies to start. I see you are in San Francisco (I am in Berkeley) so you have an abundance of options. Let me know if you would like me to help find you a referral in SF.
~E.
