My friend's son is not really nice to my daughter and I'm not sure what to do about it. We have been friends since the kids were babies and her son has always been on the more agressive side. She always thought it was funny and just part of his personality. And to be honest I just blew it off too thinking that that if it got too bad and he needed to be reeled in, she would do it. But that hasn't happened.
I really like my friend and don't want to lose a friendship over it, but at the same time, I feel like I'm being a bad parent if I allow my kid to spend too much time with hers. I would say it's a 70/30 relationship...meaning he is only nice to her 30 percent of the time. The other 70 percent he is mean to her. He tells her all the time that he doesn't like her, he doesn't want to play with her. But that's not the worst part. He is very often violent...hitting, pushing, punching, pinching, grabbing around the throat, pulling hair etc. His mom (my friend) either pretends not to notice or just says very sweetly "buddy, that's not nice". Her attempts at timeout are pointless because he just gets up whenever he wants to. There is no real enforcement of rules.
I am not the only person in our small group who feels this way. He is equally as mean to the other kids as well. She is aware that he has behavior issues (not listening etc), but I don't think she sees her son as others see him which is mostly as a bully with some violent tendacies.
I'm worried that my daughter will think this is how a friend (a male) is supposed to treat her. And I feel bad because I feel like I'm encouraging the relationship by being friends with his mom. I have scaled back the time we spend together and now only see them about once per week (the kids do not attend pre-school together). I have regularly talked to my daughter about what a friend is and that a real friend is nice to you and doesn't hit you etc. I think she understands on some level, but at the same time continues to call this boy her friend.
Anyone have any other advice for handling this situation.
Point blank... That is your child. As parents it is our responsibility to protect them. Explain to the mother that due to her son's actions he is no longer allowed to play with your daughter. Obviously he is out of control. She may get upset but if it were hapopening to her son, would she let someone bully him?
First of all, I would put an end to one-on-one playdates in your home or her home. Make all playdates at the playground or indoor play place where there are other children, hopefully boys. Boys need to play outside. Join the local MOMS Club and go on their events with her (www.momsclub.org).
Second, you absolutely have to talk to her, it's eating you up, and you will feel so much better after you do. I have had plenty of difficult conversations since I have the gift of exhortation. First, pray about it! A lot! Second, remember to be humble. After all, you may have a rambunctious boy one day. Always use "I" statements. "I feel... I'm concerned about my daughter... It really hurts my feelings when he says mean things to her..." I would begin by asking how he's doing in school. He may be having behavior problems there. Then you can put the conversation in that frame - how he can behave better with other kids so he can do well in school, too.
God bless you,
A.
It sounds pretty bad. If you confront the mother face to face, you are likely to alienate her and things will never be the same between you. Since other people in the play date feel the same way, perhaps you could mail her an anonymous letter in the mail expressing your concerns about how the child acts towards other kids. Have the other mothers add some input to the letter. Just an idea.
Otherwise, tell her that your daugther is not ready to play with agressive boys because she always gets hurt. (FYI Some parents like their little boys to be rough and tough because they think it will make them a tougher man.) Whatever!
I am floored by the advice you received prior to mine. Sending an anonymous letter is ridiculous. If you can't have this conversation with your friend then you two aren't that close to start with. Being a good friend isn't always easy and at times you have to have difficult conversations with them but never should you consider sending a random letter. That would be painful and humiliating for her and the point of the letter would be missed by the fact that whoever sent it didn't have the guts to just come and talk to them.
Secondly, this child isn't bad. Telling your friend that her son is no longer allowed to play with your daughter will only accomplish one thing, and that's the ending your friendship with this woman. If she is your friend and if you care about her and her son then you'll sit down with her one on one, without the kids around, and discuss your concerns with her as her friend.
This little boy is not a bad boy and I'm sure he does like to play with your daughter. The problem is that his parents aren't providing the discipline and guidance that he so desperately needs.
I feel bad for this little boy because it's not his fault. The way you view him and how other friends of yours view him is unfair. If he was receiving the discipline and guidance that he clearly needs he would not be behaving like this and no one would be feeling this way about him.
All children are different and although your daughter may not need that much guidance and supervision, he does, and yet he isn't getting it. His behavior is showing you that he needs help.
If I were you I would sit down with your girlfriend and I would tell her how you feel. After all, you're really not being a very good friend to her if you aren't willing to tell her that there is a problem here.
Think of it as standing up for this little boy. He needs someone to tell his parents that he needs guidance and discipline and supervision.
No one wants someone to tell them something negative especially when it comes to their parenting skills or lack there of and no one wants to be told what their child needs or doesn't need. It can be a tough pill swallow for a parent but it is equally difficult for the friend who has to have that conversation.
If you're truly friends then you will find a way to have this conversation. It's important that you do talk to her because from the sounds of it, if this continues it will not only affect your friendship with her but her friendships with other women as well.
She may get angry at first and she may need some time to digest what you've said but that little boy deserves for someone to stand up for him. I'm sure he would be a pleasure to be around if he was getting the help he needs. I'm sure he'll always be active and he may need to be reminded to not be so aggressive but if someone was there teaching him how to be a good friend and how to not be so rough, especially when playing with girls, then he will be much happier because he'll have more friends and more play dates.
You can always jump in if you're having a play date and he's being rough with your daughter. If your friend has proven to not be affective in responding to that type of behavior then step in and say to him that he can't push your daughter because that's not being a good friend and that your daughter loves to play with him and loves being his friend but that he needs to remember to keep his hands to himself and not be rough because when he's rough or when he pushes her, it makes your daughter upset and feel bad.
Explain it to him since his mother isn't. She'll probably see the way he responds to that and then follow your lead and implement that into her parenting. Just don't pick on him. Kids need to be able to work things out themselves as well. This little boy just needs some help and once he gets it he'll no longer have these issues you've mentioned.
hi melissa,
i think you are already on the right track...(scaling down their playtime). if you enjoy her company, you can always get together without the kids for girls night or for lunch while they are in preschool, if they go..one thing i learned from my first child was that while you generally pick their friends when they are small, they will eventually (usually if it's girl/boy friends) outgrow wanting to play with each other, as they develop different interests. we used to have a playgroup with a few girls and boys, and as they got older, he only wanted to go if the other boys were going to be there. he is eleven now, and we still see boys we met in gymboree when he was one...but none of the girls. anyway, if you aren't comfortable telling her about the problem (it might not make a difference, she may get defensive) ...then i think you should just do what you're doing...and remind your daughter, (in front of the friend if you can) that "that's not nice, and we don't treat our friends that way...or tell him...(if you're good friends with her, she may not mind you disciplining him..maybe she feels that you'd speak up if you thought he was out of line...?) when he does something to upset your daughter, address him yourself..."please don't ...it isn't nice...you wouldn't like it if she did that to you"...anyway, i think i'm rambling, but you get the message..any of my close friends don't care who sets the kids straight if there's an issue...whichever adult is there is usually the one to do the talking...good luck!
