My Son the Bully

Get the book "Chicken Soup for the Kids Soul" and read one or two stories together every night. The stories are very touching and will give you great opportunities to teach empathy.

You address it the same way you deal with any other behavior that hurts someone's feelings: you sit him down, and you talk to him gently but firmly. You ask him first why he thought mooing at someone would be funny or why she would enjoy it. Get inside his head and let him speak. Ask him if he thought it was funny (and why) and if he thought she'd think it was funny (and why). Is he saying she is a cow? Why? Does he think that most people like to be told they are animals? A cow wouldn't understand what he meant by mooing - neither would a dog or a bird. But a person knows the difference.

Then you teach him that just because HE thinks something is funny doesn't mean the other person does. Teach him to look at the other person's face, eyes, and behavior. If they aren't laughing, why not? (Because they don't think it's funny.) So the definition of what is funny or enjoyable is based on whether everyone in the group is equally enjoying it. If not, stop.

You must separate out whether she is heavy or not - it's completely irrelevant! She could be thin, average, heavy or morbidly obese but it doesn't require his commentary.

Then you get him to write a note of apology to her, saying he didn't want to hurt her feelings and he was thoughtless. And he's learned a lesson. Have it be in his own words. Don't write it for him. Have him go through the exercise of a rough draft, and then fix it as needed, then re-copy it - that makes it difficult and tells him he has to think about what he says and how he says it. Make him put it in an envelope, address it, stamp it, and take it to the mailbox. No email, no handing it to her in school where others will ask her what it is (or where he might forget and crush it in his backpack). Just a real old-fashioned letter that her parents can see.

If all goes well, you can assume that he learned his lesson and has grown from it. You tell him you are upset by what he did but proud that he has become a more feeling person. Tell him you expect not to see this behavior again and you don't want another call from the teacher. And tell him you hope he will not only be very nice to this girl going forward, but he will be aware of cruel things that other kids say to classmates. You teach him to step up and befriend the child being made fun of.

Then you let it go unless and until there is a repeat.

It could be that he literally didn't understand that he would hurt her feelings. Some kids just can't see how what they do impacts others. And some kids see teasing as being playfully fun -for adults we call this sarcasm.

If it was me, I'd use this as an ideal opportunity to teach empathy. I wouldn't go beyond that besides having him apologize to the girl. He could even write a letter or card.

What i wouldn't do is call him a bully. He's a kid in training. I seriously hate all this "bully" stuff. Most young kids just aren't always nice, they just don't see how they are hurting someone. We then crack down on them and turn them into scared, sad people who lash out more because they feel unloved.

Do not coddle him. I am sorry but there is no way he did not know that mooing at the heavy girl would hurt her feelings, if he claims differently he is lying to you. If you make excuses for him he will continue down this same path again. He needs to know in no uncertain terms that what he did was wrong, was cruel, and will not be tolerated.

I would say a few choice sentences to my son, in a stern and somewhat loud voice. Something like, "We do NOT bully people in this household. I am VERY ashamed of you. Don't you EVER moo at someone again or make fun of their weight. I NEVER want to hear of you calling people names or hurting their feelings again. Now go to your room, I don't want to look at you for a while. And while you're there, you might want to write an apology letter to that poor little girl whose feelings you hurt."

That would pretty much take care of it in my house. If your son does not typically like hurting people's feelings, a little shaming should stop all future bullying.

He's 8, not 5 or 6, so I don't think being a little harsh is unwarranted. I think an 8 year old knows exactly what mooing means and why he is doing it.

I like Diane B's response.

Now, I had a child who was on the girl's side of things.

My son was singled out for whatever reason by a boy, and this boy made comments about my son's face. Same age as yours. My son kept it inside, but grew to hate going to school. At first he just did the ignore it approach. Then he told the kid to quit it. Finally, he told me what was going on.

My kid is a tough kid - he said what bothered him was the embarrassment of having other kids hear it. And he said it just got to be a drain. Because it was every day.

I felt awful that he hadn't told me, but he said he didn't want to be a tattle tale. So I said "what would you like me to do?" and he didn't know. So I asked him if he'd be ok if I called the teacher - something I had never done before. He said that would be ok.

We talked, and she said he was a good kid, this was out of character, she was surprised .. but anyhow, she had the boys together and had a talk and got my son to say "I don't like how you make fun of my face, etc." and the boy burst into tears. It ended there. There was something about my son saying how he felt about it that really affected this boy. He was a good boy from a good home, and although he must have realized it was bothering my son, hearing it right from another kid how bad he felt - something clicked.

I loved how the teacher dealt with it. And my son and this boy are not good friends, but friends now.

Turns out the kid did it to get a reaction out of his friends.

So I would ask your son why he thinks this is playing with her as you say. And really figure out why he did it in the first place. And focus on fixing that need of his - if it's for attention or laughs from other kids, etc.

And I think him apologizing in person would be FAR more effective than just a letter - or maybe both?

But if this girl is afraid to come to school, facing him one on one with either the teacher or as others have mentioned a school counsellor, would be very beneficial - for both of them. I think anyways.

Good luck :)

no judgment here - my son is ADHD (and 8) and I can easily see him doing something like this and having NO idea of the ramifications. heck, he might be thinking, cows are cute, she's cute, therefore I'm doing a nice thing/playing/being friendly. who knows what goes on in their little heads.

Right now I am having to deal with my son thinking it's cool to call girls "hot" because he has heard older kids say it. I have been trying to beat it into his head that it is NOT OKAY to say that. I've had to deal with him putting his hands on other kids, talking about a girl's testicles (don't ask), and other things, some of which could have gotten him in SERIOUS trouble. I've done damage control. Trust me, your son is not a bully. but I get the fear that he will be labeled as such, or worse, be punished by the school as if he was one.

I feel like you're frustrated and shocked at this news - but take a deep breath. it's not the end of the world. I am sure once you talk to him and explain that it is SUPER hurtful to do that, he will be mortified and stop. I would also encourage him to make friends with her and apologize.

They are young. This will blow over. Hang in there mama!

Here's the thing. I know that kids say some awful things without necessarily understanding the ramifications of what they are doing. But your son knew what mooing at the girl means. He chose to not think about the hurt feelings part. You say you don't want to be harsh and beat him down, but letting him off the hook with just a letter of apology is nothing compared to what he has done to the girl. He needs a real consequence. If you don't give him one, what are you going to do the next time he is rude to a child over and over, and calls it "playing with them"? He will think "well, that wasn't so bad" and meanwhile, the girl is a mess.

I agree with the poster to not coddle him. Don't let his feeling things deeply and emotionally give him a pass here.

I would NOT have him speak to the parents. You will wish you hadn't. They will not be nice to him, and they will not be nice to you. He definitely needs to write the girl a letter. And the school needs to make sure that your son is not in her classroom next year. Notice that I said not in HER classroom. They need to pick the best teacher and class of kids for her mental health, and your son should not be in that class. You should ask for this to be done and you should ask the guidance counselor to tell her parents that you have asked for this. Maybe they won't trash you all over the school, knowing that you actually care something about their daughter.

I really think that you need to start having dinnertime conversations, in the car driving conversations, etc with your son that details subjects that he needs to learn to have some empathy about. Read literature to him that can spark these kinds of discussions. Role play some with him. The older he gets, the harder it will get, to be honest. Boys start getting a little hard in their hearts at some point in junior high. It will seem like it's one step forward, two steps back, but that's part of their development. If you keep working with him with love, but toughness, he will hopefully internalize the lessons you've taught him and remember them as a young adult.

Don't let this slide. Don't feel sorry for him. And don't allow him to act like he should feel sorry for himself. He screwed up. He doesn't get to feel sorry for himself. It's time to feel sorry for the person he has hurt.

A bully is someone who purposely and repeatedly does things to upset someone else. A bully does this to many people. It's a life style. Your son is not a bully. He's a child learning how to interact with others. As another mom suggested it's possible he likes her. From the start of time, boys this age have said such things to get a girl's attention.

I suggest the girl's parents are overreacting. I was a sensitive child. My parents would never have labeled a boy a bully. Bully has become an over used buzz word. My mother told me to look at similar things as a boy trying to get my attention. She suggested I tease back. She reassured me I was not what some boy said. I was shy and couldn't tease back but did ignore comments that had upset me.

Actually, I suggest that someone who is saying bully, using their understanding of what makes a bully, is a bully, themselves. By my understanding, they're a concerned parent. If the school labeled your son a bully and all that happened is he said moo to her several times, they need more training. The police would be able to suggest a training program.

WHAT ON EARTH?? I can't believe I took time to read your post and almost skipped SWH. I had a whole different piece of advice if he actually was making fun of an overweight person by making cows sounds. But since that totally was not the case at all, and this petite girl who was a cow in a play and was laughing as they played is the one traumatized now...

Gimme a break. The whole thing is ludicrous.

This is so unacceptable today, yet very common ever generation in the past (go read Judy Blume "Blubber").

We hold our children today to such a high standard. My kids (age 4 and 7 at the time) happen to be thin and were joking after they ate a big meal about being fat and saying 'Ho Ho Ho' in a deep voice like santa. My now 8 year old on a different day said something similar to a kid who ate a lot that he couldn't stop eating and was fat (or similar can't recall exact wording). I was so modified and upset. I gave the child a big hug and comforted him while my son made excuses (but he said I was X or Y). Luckily I am a bit over weight and the boy knew I could relate. I was very stern with my son and told him to look at his friends face (it looked sad). He realized that his friend was hurt and he did not want that.

I happen to disagree with another poster. If two kids are thin it is not as hurtful as it is to an overweight kid. If a child had huge awkward ears and was called a name about a real feature it hurts a lot more to him to hear bunny ears than a child with normal sized ears.

I agree with Julie G. our children are in training. The little children are going to make mistakes. It our job to handle it in a way that helps them understand why it is wrong and to help them make better choices.

It is also important for all kids to be able to handle negative actions and not crumble into despair if they are moo-ed at. I do not want my kids to experience it, but it will (and has) happened. Most other countries are not as accepting as America. If they travel they will need to be aware of this. A woman from China actually was pointing a laughing at a child with curly light hair and following the child still point and laughing. If an America ever did any such thing we would never hear the end of it (today, not 20 years ago).

He definitely needs a firm, serious conversation about how to treat others. But more importantly, you don't need to bully him to teach him not to bully. Yelling or insulting him is not the way to go and I think you see that. Perhaps there is a good book that he could read that could help him understand the perspective of the other child. I'd ask the counselor or librarian for suggestions.

I also think a letter of apology from him to her would be appropriate. While you could give him guidelines, I'd be sure it sincerely came from him. Perhaps he could include the things he likes or admires about her.

You're in an unenviable position but I think you are handling it very well! Keep it up! You're definitely on the right track.

I would give him a talk explaining how he made her feel. I would tell him to never treat others like that and that someone who is overweight needs to be treated with respect just like anyone else. I would also have him write her a note of apology (supervise him to make sure it is written nicely) for her to bring home, and instruct him to apologize in person to her when he hands it to her. You can practice this scenario with him.He is old enough to know that yes mooing at someone who is fat is not a nice way to treat someone. He knows. He knew. He needs you and dad to have a serious talk with him and then he needs to go through with an apology. When my son was 7 (he is 11 now) he treated a younger child meanly once and I walked him over to apologize. He also had consequences at home (no playing outside with neighborhood kids for a week - which was torture for him). Apologizing was VERY hard for him...he had huge fit at first. Then he was super super embarrassed. Finally when he was ready I walked over with him and my very confident son was practically hiding behind me as he apologized to this little boy and his parents. Needless to say it made a big impression and he never did something like that again.

You've gotten some solid advice here.

However, I would not focus on the word "bully" when you're talking with your son. I wouldn't call him that, or say that he was "bullying". Instead, I'd talk about how words hurt, how people's comments can cause deep pain, and to concentrate on positive actions, rather than using the word ''bully". Teach him how to be polite, how to be respectful and how to use words that help.

I say that because it seems today that the word "bully" has been used so often that I think that kids are becoming desensitized to it. And sometimes they can think that bullying is only extreme actions (throwing things at someone, physically pushing them, driving them to suicide), when actually if we taught them to use kind words, to treat other people with respect, and to consider other's feelings, maybe some of the more extreme bullying wouldn't happen. We need to focus on respect, politeness, kindness and encouraging positive actions and words in our children, instead of just telling them what not to do. We need to teach our kids to think before they speak.

Ick. this is difficult. Is there a social worker at school that your son can speak with? Sometimes it's easier coming from someone else, plus they are trained to speak with kids about sensitive topics. I obviously think you and your husband should handle it somehow too, but maybe having someone at school involved is a good idea. I also think he might need to make a face to face apology to this girl. You can have him practice what he should say and how he should say it, then escort him to her house, after getting permission from the parents first.

He made a mistake. He is eight. Talk to him and tell him he has to try to fix it. See if he will apologize.

What would not be good is you trying to force an apology that he doesn't want to give, so make sure he is going to do it. I don't mind a little parental persuasion.

I think its totally possible he didn't understand at 8 that mooing at a girl was to say she was heavy set. I was well into my 20's when my husband had to explain that I could not say "jewing me down". To me it was just an expression with no meaning. Until he told me point blank that, no, "jewing" was a reference to jews. duhhhhh. I said it because I heard it and just thought it was a phrase with no thought to it referencing a gernarlaization about a group of people. So, no doubt your son heard this in the school yard. But maybe, just maybe he found it playful and not derogatory. Just something you say, not something that is putting down. So have a very heart felt talk with your son and get your feelers on his intentions.
Then, if it were me, I'd arrange a face to face apology with parents and daughter, after you coach him on how to really apologize. And you may want to explain his motives to the parents privately if, you ascertain that his motives were not meant to be hurtful.
If you ascertain that they were meant to be hurtful then there needs to be a new approach. In which case, I would be harsh with my son. Very harsh indeed.
---on second thought, a face to face may just make it harder for her. Do what Dianne B said- a written apology- and yes, get inside his head.

Your son needs to apologize to her in front of the class. He embarrassed her in front of the class and needs to show her and everyone else he knows his behavior was unacceptable.

I think maybe he may have a little crush on her. Boys his age will do something like this to get a girl's attention not realizing he's upsetting her. At this age they just don't know how to handle the feelings.

Are you asking if you should punish him or something? My son was bullied so bad at his last school that we moved him mid way to get away from it because the teachers and principal weren't taking it seriously. Then the kid hit my son in the head and I called the cops and filed a report on him. That scared the bully enough but we still moved my son so he could start over.

I think you have addressed it and if it were me, I would warn my son that the school knows and will be watching him and IF he does anything like that again I will take all his electronics away for a month (if that's important to him). Just make sure he knows how serious it is and that the kid that is getting bullied takes that with them for years and years and is very damaging emotionally. Good luck.

He needs to write a letter of apology to the classmate. If it was more than once or twice, he definitely knew what he was doing. He was probably getting a nice reaction out of her. If she is still too anxious to go to school with him there, your son needs to stay home until she feels better having him around. After the letter, it might not hurt to contact the parents and explain what you are doing to keep your son from doing it again.

You sound like great parents. Good job for taking this serious and giving him consequences. Wish more parents took the time, like you did, to correct your sons behavior.

I haven't read anything from below....

I would have a talk with him. A long one. He needs to understand that what he did really hurt that girl. Then you need to explain to him how girls and boys are different when it comes to body issues. Then, you need to dole out some sort of punishment. It will reinforce his actions. And not just a 'take the phone away' punishment. But something more community focused. Where he can learn that everyone is different and shouldn't be judged or made fun of.

You can't let this go. So please address it. He needs to learn that he should be the nice kid, not the one who gets laughs at the expense of others.

Good luck!

He needs to spend time with her and let her tell him how his actions hurt her. He needs to see what he caused. I think if he has enough empathy he'll have an everlasting lesson.