18 Months Old Bad Behavior!

Hi,
my son's friend at the playground used to be like that. He stopped now after his mom's consistent and diligent way of dealing with it
First time he does it, he gets a warning
Second time, he goes to a time-out at the corner of the park
Thirt time, he goes home.
A few times I saw my friend took her son home despite the heart-wrentching crying and protest, but the next day he would behave so much better. Eventually he got the message. He was about 2 at the time. I don't know if 18 months is too young, you would have to decide. I do know that it must be hard on you, because you know he is a good boy but others may not understand that. So I would say give this method a try and see if it works. If not, maybe he would outgrow this phase. Hang in there.

Hi Tina. My son just turned 18 mos and is also starting the "agressive stage". I agree and have used the method most people have mentioned, short and to the point. a few words of "don't do that, that's not ok" and re-direct him right away. if it continues then i remove him from the situation. my son doesn't do much hitting, but he gets very rough when playing with toys and a little wild too. a friend just told me a couple things that made me feel better. first is that this is a phase and he'll grow out of it (which is good). also, her pediatrician told her that at 18 months kids get a surge of hormones as their bodies develop. so girls would have a higher level of estrogen (and get extra moody, fussy and cry a lot) and boys a higher level of testosterone. this definitely explains his sudden change in behavior and it makes perfect sense. i haven't asked his doctor about it, but i think i'll look more into that. hang in there. remember as soon as this challenge is solved, a new one will arise :)
~S..

Hi, I am a Marriage and Family Therapist and I work with a lot of families with young children. I believe that toddlers have a biological imperative to explore their world and, for a lot of them, this means pushing, grabbing, biting. This is not a social function of trying to be bad or hurt someone, but to explore one's effect upon the world. "What happens when I push? Does it happen the again if I push again? What does it feel like?" Etc.
And, once your child knows how upset it makes you it can also become a way to get your attention.
For awhile you will have to be more diligent about his behavior around other children. When you begin to see a trigger that brings on the "pushing" response, calmly but sternly let him know that he cannot push Bobby and then give him an alternative of what he can push...grab...bite. "You may not push Bobby, but you can push the bear/pillow/wagon...".
This may go on for awhile, but over time you will have a child that understands the rule. If you choose to instigate a time out, put him on the "naughty" pad/pillow/corner and make him stay there for 1-2 minutes.
You need to be near him, but not touching him. Otherwise, his anxiety will hasten other behaviors that have the potential of becoming unproductive.
Good books to help: 1-2-3-The Toddler Years or Becoming the Parent You want to Be.
Good Luck.
K. Hill

Prevent and redirect at this age. Too much talking/time out, etc. isn't going to work. It's a phase like hitting and biting, it will pass, I promise. In the meantime, study up on this age, once you understand what's behind him doing the pushing/grabbing, you'll be better equipped to deal with it. At this age, I referred to The Discipline Book by Dr. Sears. Another poster here at Mamasource (Susan) has recommended books that are specific for the age, "Your 1 year old", "Your 2 year old" etc... they can be found at Amazon. She always has great advice, so I'm sure these books would be helpful.

Best wishes! (I had a hitter, so I understand your frustration!)
M.

Hi Tina:
I must agree with the mothers,who stated, your sons behavior is normal.Its very normal.Toddlers aren't born with a (built in)Knowledge of how to play.YOU need to teach them how.At 18 months old, he's trying to mingle,and fit in with other children around him.He's just lost,as how to go about it.That's where us parents come in. Discipline,or time outs,should be saved,for when hes acting up,or doing something he (KNOWS) is wrong. He is looking for approval or disapproval in his techniques, for play. Realize,that he doesn't push and rough-house because hes angry or bad. He just needs you to give him guidelines.Be patient,and stay calm. Don't yell or get angry,but tell him in a nice firm way,that it hurts,or its not nice.It will take a little time,but he'll learn soon.I would not remove him from the park. By doing this,you prolong the lesson. He will not grasp what your doing as fast as he would,if you stay and talk to him about how to play properly. I wish you and your growing boy the best. J. M

Hi SAHM,
There is an article by Vivian Jones-Schmidt called 'Saying "I'm Sorry" Is Not Enough: How Children can learn to face consequences, make amends and grow into Empathy.' There are wonderful suggestions there for how to respond to this type of behavior and create a lasting learning for your child. Best!
K.

Hi Tina,
My son went through this as well, it's actually normal behavior but it needs to be addressed so he knows it's not ok.
This is what I do- if my son hits I first go to the other child right away and ask if he is ok. Give your full attention to the other child first. Then I pick up my son and walk a few steps away and say we do not hit our friends, and I tell him if it happens again we go home. This seems to work most of the time.
Also, in the car before we go somewhere we talk about what is appropriate behavior- like we keep our hands to ourselves and need to be gentle to our friends.
It is such a hard stage to go through but most all kids will go through it. They have a lot of emotions and things that they want but aren't able to express it the right way all the time.
A developmental specialist friend of mine put it this way- "I would be more concerned if your active son was not going through this stage". So take a deep breath, stay on top of it and know this is just a phase!
Good Luck!

You have already received some great advice. We have used the "I love you, but that was not o.k." term many time (and still do with all our kids, especially our pre-teen)

Guidance at every stage is important. Guidance with love, even more so. My cousins are 22 mo old twins & they are have gone through the walking up & shoving stage. It was handled by telling them that they must "love, not shove" as the mom said "NO" just didn't work. The girls were also told to play gentle & then hugged. It took a little while, but they far calmer & know that they are loved, no matter what.

Best!

I think that with all children, well all people, there is a peaking order. I see this at my sons daycare. My 18 month old son is an agressive child as well. I tell him at least a few times a day that he must be nice & gentle to people (when I say this I always genlty touch his arm or face so that he grasps the concept). He can still be a bully however he knows that what he is doing is not nice as when he gets caught he instantly says - nice & gentle. At daycare he gets put in time out and if the behavior continues or escalates he stay in time out longer and longer. Yes, some kids are just more agressive and down right rough. I think that all you can do is try to teach him to be a kind gentle person and hope for the best. Kids sure do have minds of their own. :)

Oh Tina... I am so sorry. That's no fun. My son who is now 3 1/2 was a little aggressive when he was much younger too. Where are you when this type of behavior is taking place?? The park, a mommy and me class or somewhere fun? If so... leave. Tell him before you get to your activity that if he pushes someone you will have to leave. Even if you are there for 2 minutes. After leaving his fun activity a few (sometimes more) times, he'll get it. He may kick and scream and cause a big fuss, however, it's what you have to do. Good for you for reaching out for help. Good luck to you!!

Hi Tina, I'm sure you have found that time out does not work, and telling him he can't be mean to other kids is using to many words for an 18 month old. Also I think you need to determin weather or not he is acturally being mean
(which he would have had to learn somewhere) or is he just playing rough, boys have a need to rough house, that's where dad's come in, my husband was always rough houseing with our two sons, and they never played like that with other kids, if he gets to rough, that you think someone might get hurt, you stop the play, and just say no more, if he continues, then you have to discipline, and an 18 month old is not to young to be disciplined, it has to be age appropreate and offense appropreate, the idea is I don't want him to do that any more, so qwhat will it take for him to think, I'm not doing that again, discipline is not for the moment that is punishment, discipline is for correcting the problem, so it does not happen again and again. it was a rare thing in our house when our kids were small if my husband had to discipline them for the ame thing more than once. It's good that you are able to SAH with your son. J. L.

My daughter had similar behavior and I discovered that she either was intimidated or didn't know how to get the other child's attention. I had to watch her like a hawk and discovered that when it was about to happen I would intervene and introduce the children to each other and tell my daughter that this is so and so and he is a new friend to play with and the same for the other child. The simple introduction made all of the pushing and grabbing go away. Now she is older and it only happens when she is scared. I do the intros and all is well.

When my son was younger and he threw, pushed or hit we always said something like "no throwing sand.. throw a ball", "ouch, pushing/hitting hurts.. throw a ball or push a car" that we he was given something he could push/pull/hit without a long explaination. 18 months is pretty young to "get" the time out concept. We said a quick direction and gave him the object he could push/pull etc. By saying Ouch! we let him know he could hurt someone by doing what he did. We try and reserve No! for bigger items otherwise I felt like that was all I said all day long.
Hope that helps.

I absolutely agree with taking him home if he does this. My daughter, around this age, would wander off and sometimes run off when we'd go out. Which of course scared the bejeezus out of me because she's fast. So when we'd be going somewhere public I'd tell her before we got there that if she wandered off we'd go home. I didn't bother with a warning or a timeout (I never do timeouts in public because my daughter won't sit still, though now that she's 4 the threat of a timeout sometimes works). I just scooped her up and put her in the car, telling her we were leaving because she'd wandered off. She'd scream and scream, but when she calmed down I'd explain to her that it was extremely important that she not wander off (this would work with pushing, etc. too). She got broken of the habit real quick. I think I only had to leave a place twice for this reason. Bottom line, at this age taking something away that they want can be the most effective discipline/teaching method, as long as you really work to explain why.

HI Tina: Here's my input. I have a 16 month old grandson that seems to also have "rough" tendencies. Yes he is barely 16 months old and he likes to throw things or go up to kids and adults alike and hit. He has been doing this for at least the last 6 months and honestly, we dont know why. Nobody in my home goes around hitting. So to say that he learned it from us is not possible. He is not a daycare child, my mother (his great grandmother)takes care of him and she loves him to death. He does not watch TV, so to say that is the influence again not possible. My daughter does practice a sort of time out and although he may not "actually" understand the concept, he understands that when he hits and doesnt stop, he goes to his crib for quiet time until he is calm. He will cry but my daughter only leaves him there for about 2 min or so, but it seems to work for the time being. I believe that "some" children are agressive by nature and it doesnt necessarily have to be taught. If thats the case with your son and it is not being taught, or he doesnt see this agressivness in your home, then he is just one of those kids that are agressive by nature and you need to put more time and attention on him. You need to get down to his level and maybe use other words instead of "No" since that doesnt seem to work. Like "stop" "Hurt", etc... When my grandson hits, I take his arm and tell him, "no hitting and thats not nice" Though he may not understand what I am actually saying the tone of my voice says it all. He will stop and look at me with wonder, then I tell him "ouch". He then comes over to kiss where he hit me. There are so many different way to get a child to understand, every child is different in the kind of approach you use, but you need to be very consistent and just show him a lot of love. Make sure you praise his goodness and when he behaves, that has helped a lot with my grandson. It can't always be negative. Again just my opinion. I often wonder why my grandson is aggressive because my daughter and my son are both very calm people. But he is who he is and its just a matter of using love to overcome all of that.

Hope this helps.

at 18 months old I cant even imagine an 18 month old sitting in time out, nor understand the concept of it, at that age kids babies I should call him has no idea how to push kids down grab them by the clothes and throw them on the ground unless he was taught this, he learned it some place, he was born to do this.

I agree with Kathryn H.

I think that staying on top of it and being consistent is the best thing! I am not sure if at 18 months a time out will do it!He probably needs a little more! He can't quite understand how being mean feels to someone else! My son is 19 months and had a HUGE hitting problem and always pulled my daughters hair! When he did it we would Say "NO NO" and take his hand and gently touch my daughter and say "Nice boy, gentle boy" Eventually he got it and we never have a problem now! I am not saying that it is always that simple but showing an example is necessary! They need to hear it, see it and feel it! Good Luck!

Unfortunately, I don't have any wonderful suggestions for you, however, I did want to tell you I doubt it's anything you've done. My son (4 yrs.old) has watched wrestling (even participated in some practices with other kids when he was 2). He has also been watching ultimate fighting on tv ever since he can probably remember because my husband is involved in that industry (managing and sponsoring fighters). My son has never been an agressive child. My point is, I think these behaviors can be just be innate. My nephew does the same things and always has. His mom has tried everything. I hope you get some great advice that works for you:)

With a child so young, time out is not effective unless they already listen very well to verbal commands (a rarity in the age) During this developmental stage kids (esp. boys) are testing cause and effect all the time. If I... what will happen... for some kids this is limited to rolling toys down ramps and pushing buttons - for others it goes father - It sounds like you have a very physical kid. Does he do other implusive things like jumping off furniture, or throwing things. It is your job to guide him to more acceptable behaviors - at this age the BEST way is to head off the actions before they happen - this takes great vigilence on you part and may make playdates less relaxing for you in the beginning, but you will reap the benefits in the long run - when you see your son heading towards an inappropreate behavior you need to distract him and redirect him to something more productive - of course you continue to explain why he can not do certian things, but don't expect him to respond to it for a long time - you didn't wait to begin talking to him until you thought he could talk back, this is the same. You also don't expect him to pronounce each word correctly the first time - don't be suprised if it takes a long time to change his pushing habit - but you MUST be consistent or he'll get the idea that sometimes it is OK, and he'll spend his time trying to sort out when it's ok and not -

Good Luck - it is a challenging age, we have all been there.