My son started off kindergarten this year on a rough patch. He's generally sweet and non aggressive. There is a boy in his class who has a very troubled past who was constantly hitting him and even kicked him in the belly. Over the school year the boys have become "best friends". Recently I was a chaperon at birthday party where both boys were invited. I was concerned because all though "best friends" this boy would not take his hands off my son. It looked innocent enough at first when the boy kept his arm wrapped around my sons shoulder, but then I noticed if my son wanted to go to a new activity, the boy would grasp onto my sons shirt and not let him go unless he went also. On the way home I asked my son if he ever played with other boys at school and he told me he didn't because his "best friend" would get mad. I'm worried. Is this boy trying to control my son and bullying him in a new way? If this situation is of concern how do I handle it? When I spoke with the teacher in the beginning of the school year about the hitting, she treated it pretty lightly and said all the boys in class were playing rough. I wanted her to assure me that she'd keep an eye on my son and the other boy in particular. I know rough play is normal, but as a mom, want to protect my son from bullying. I would greatly appreciate some insight from other parents. Thanks so much.
I would suggest that you frequently take him to the playground, Sunday School, local play groups, Tae Kwon Do classes, etc., where he can develop friends other than the possessive bully in his classroom.
N.
That sounds pretty odd to me. Maybe you should have a talk with the other boys mom. My nephew had been getting picked on by a boy at school since preschool, he's now in first. The teachers would put the other boy in time out and send him to the office, and have meetings with his mom. Nothing helped. Finally my nephew had enough and fought back. The kid doesn't bother him at all now. Sometimes the other kid just needs to learn that enough is enough.
I would be very concerned. Reading your post, I feel very sorry for the other boy, but your first concern is of course your own son. Yes, this behavior IS bullying.
Luckily, the school year is coming to a close... I'm sort of surprised at the teacher's reaction to the hitting. However, I would still talk to her again. I would request that the boys be split up as much as feasible--have them sit in different parts of the classroom, and if they do small group work, see they are in different groups. Of course, the teacher can not build a wall between the two, and she probably has more than enough on her plate, but hopefully she can do what she can.
For next school year, I would request that your son be put in a different classroom than this other boy, provided your school is big enough that they are running at least two 1st grade classes. Talk to whomever will listen to you. If a simple request to the 1st grade teachers doesn't work, then go on to the guidance counselor and the principal, if necessary.
This summer, I would really limit, if not altogether eliminate, any time they spend together. Give your son lots of opportunities to interact with other kids.
I really feel for the other boy. This is certainly learned behavior, and you mention a "troubled past". I would express my concern about the boy to the guidance counselor or school psychologist. They should be made aware of the full scope of this boy's behavior. Hopefully he can get some intervention, but this type of behavior is disturbingly controlling and manipulative for such a young child. Good luck.
yes this is worrisome. red flags flew up for a reason. this boy is bullying and possibly abusing your child. i would talk to teacher and principal together. have them talk to the parent. then explain to your son that this best friend is only allowed to play with him if they are under YOUR supervision. not schools-- they obiviously didnt see the red flags so therefore i would not trust them to monitor now that it is a problem.
do not stop until what you want is achieved. whether it be change in classes, teachers, recess time, whatever it takes to seperate your child from this boy.
good luck
This is a form on mental bullying. It's not as common but it happens alot! It's not as noticable as the physical bullying for someone to step in.
If its possible to have them seprated next year I would make sure it's done. If you talk to the principal now and put your request in with explaining what you seen and your son told you there should not be any problems with your son being in another room. If its like our school and each grade is pretty much one class ( less than 20 kids in each grade) then they can do other things to seprate them. When they have group activaty they go into differnt ones, in PE class on different teams stuff like that. They can do that and its not that much trouble to do so. ( they did that for my son so he would spread his wings instead of hiding under his cousins)
I would talk to the school now and when the class list comes out in the fall check right away to make sure they are seprated... if not go to the school right away.
As for the summer, I would try to make sure you get your son involved in as many things as possible so he can make new friends so when they do start in the fall he will have a group of friends and hopefully with the confidence of new friends (that he actually likes) and they having his back he will be able to stand up to him.
Good luck and hopefully he will be able to stand up to this kid in time. The teachers are probally more trained to deal with physical bullying not so much the mental bullying. If your son isn't saying anything and the other child isn't physically hurting your son, they probally didn't notice this wasn't going on. If you bring it to they attention they might be able to do something now... but I would for sure focus on next year.
I would be very concerned and thank heavens it is almost the end of the school year. Over summer, I would decline play dates and hope the friendship would fizzle out. Also, perhaps you can talk to the school about the situation and request that the two are not in the same class next year....
I think you have a right to be worried. I would talk to the teacher again. Open communication is good. Then talk to the principal. You need to know that you are taken seriously and that someone will be doing something about it for your son while he is in their care. I would also follow the advise of others and see about getting them into seperate classes next year. Most school districts have rules regarding this kind of behavior that allow you to request this, even allow open enrollment! I can't see them not allowing you to have your son in a different classroom next year. I'd also try to help the friendship fizzle. Your son is missing out b/c of the control & fear this other boy has on him. It's sad.
Make sure to speak to the Principal, even Superintendent if you think you need to. You are your child's best advocate.
Good luck!
Your son is the target of a bully! The school has a moral and legal obligation to protect your son.
Bullying Prevention Policy Guidelines from the Wisconsin Dept of Ed http://dpi.wi.gov/sspw/pdf/bullyingguide.pdf
Also, links to very helpful handouts from MN. Your child may not have a disAbility, but it's useful info, nonetheless.
National Center for Bullying Prevention
http://www.pacer.org/bullying/resources/index.asp
Bullying–Notifying School Administrators of Harassment Concerns http://www.pacer.org/publications/bullypdf/BP-5.pdf
Record Keeping and Bullying http://www.pacer.org/publications/bullypdf/BP-3.pdf
Common Views about Bullying
http://www.pacer.org/publications/bullypdf/BP-1.pdf
Talk with Your Child about Bullying
http://www.pacer.org/publications/bullypdf/BP-2.pdf
Good luck to you and your son!
I had a similar problem with my youngest daqughter and her "best friend". It's a form of bullying, yes, just not one in the traditional sense.
Yes, he's trying to control your son, and doing a good job of it. Rough play is normal for boys, yes, but the manipulation this boy is exercising on your son is not.
I agree with the suggestion to see if he can be moved to a different class and limiting time spent with this boy. You really do need to separate the two because the controlling behavior is not likely going to stop and there isn't much a teacher can do about it because it isn't necessarily physical so much as it is mental.
It's important to help your son learn to stand up to this kind of manipulation and learn to assert himself in a positive way. If the other boy resorts to violence as a response then there is certainly something that needs to be done by school officials - because that violence is meant to hurt your son, not just figure out a pecking order. It's retaliatory and that kind of bullying/violence has to be stopped - not just for your son but for the other child, too.
Good luck - I was not able to get the school/teachers/etc...to deal with the same situation with girls (we finally moved our daughter to a different school for this and other reasons), probably because girls tend not to be violent as retaliation, they ostracize instead.
This sounds like a very troubling situation. You NEED to talk to the teacher again. She just may be okay with it because it's making her day easier that this trouble maker has someone to keep him "busy."
Also, go talk to the principal. Your son needs to switch classes NOW! Get him out of that situation. It is our job to protect our kids. That's human nature. And it is very unhealthy for your child to be isolated from his other classmates because his "best friend" wants to be his only friend.
And make sure that they are NOT in the same class in the futre. I would also talk (or even go check it out yourself) to the lunch staff and playground workers to make sure that this bully is not doing this during those times as well. You need to consider all aspects that he will still have time to smother your son and get rid of them all.
Otherwise, consider switching schools or even homeschooling. No matter what, I'd get him away from this kid!!!!
--And if your son is scared of losing his best friend, set up some play dates with other boys in his grade. Give him opportunities to see how a REAL friendship works!
Hi M.,
Maybe you should visit your son's classroom a couple of times to look the situation over there. If it doesn't seem too bad maybe you could request they not be in the same room together next year. If you believe it is something that needs to be dealt with now, you should probably talk to the teacher again, or if that doesn't help, talk to the principal. Changing him to another room this late in the school year might be harder on him than just letting the next couple of months go by, and make sure they aren't together next year....although I'm sure they will have recess together....a part of life is learning to deal with different people....we sometimes protect our children too much, and then when they are adults they don't know how to deal with situations. I'm not saying you don't need to look into this, because you definitely do, but don't put him into a situation that might upset him more at this late date in the school year....my suggestion is go visit, and see what you think.
C.
I think my next question to my child would be, "Does getting mad mean hitting?" If the other boys "getting mad" when your son wants to do something else, what does he do when he gets mad. I agree with the other suggestion separating the boys and getting both of them to "branch out" at school. You can only be responsible for "your side of the street." In other words, you can help your son with ways to handle the friend and reinforce him when he stands up for himself or makes a good choice. Maybe even talk to a counselor yourself about ways to help your son and teach him how to stick to some boundaries.
I have had to discourage a friendship between my son and a boy in our neighborhood. He wasn't necessarily being bullied, but he didn't know how to say no either. We try to explain why that's not an ideal person to spend his time with (mainly value differences and the other boy tends to lie to his parents and other adults) in a dipomatic way and trying to address the character traits and not the boy himself. We take the "blame" a lot of times when he tells him he cannot play, spend the night, etc. But until he has the confidence and understanding of how to handle relationships, we are the ones who need to be proactive. We might have gotten some guff in the beginning (we've known the boy a couple of years now) but our son really has other friends he would much rather spend time with and I can see in his eyes he is "thankful" sometimes when I say, "no, you can't play." Good luck.
At the school my kids attend, the second you report any hitting the parties involved are sent to the "quiet room" to discuss appropriate behavior and the person putting their hands on others are required to fill out a "behavior improvement plan" where they fill in the blanks on questions like "What did I do wrong? Why was it wrong? How could I have handled myself differently? What will I do different next time?" The parents have to read,sign and return this form. Our school takes hitting, bullying and rough play very seriously. I'd go above the teacher's head and get this stopped now.
I would chek into this. There shouldn't be "rough" play at school anyway. Don't take the teachers word on it. Go to the principal if you have to.
Hi-
I saw this posting and had to respond right away!
I agree with Miranda - do NOT waste anytime and get the principal involved and remove your son from this situation.
It is extremely unhealthy and has long term consequences that you cannot even begin to fathom now. The other boy's behaviour, at such a young age, is NOT normal.
Our school sytems are extremely lax about nipping bullying in the bud - it is up to the parents to take control. Do not accept gender differences as plausible explanations and excuses.
Also, get to know a lawyer who you can have ready on the side in case you need to make your point with the school. Good luck!
Yes, your instinct is right on. Your son is best friends with this bully because he doesn't want to be hit or kicked like before. The fact that he keeps physical contact with your son to control where he goes and what he does is very disturbing. This young man needs help because chances are he is being treated or has been treated this way to have learned it at such a young age. This boy will lead your son into trouble as they get older. The thing you need to do is teach your son what a real friend is. Talk with him and ask him what would happen if he did something that the boy didn't want him to do, like go play a different game. Ask if he thinks that is the right way to treat someone. Then you also need to give your son tools to protect himself and to stand up to himself. Karate lessons give a great deal of self respect and self assurance. It also gives the tools needed if there is physical violence. If you see the boy holding onto your son like that, you need to intervine and tell the boy that that is not acceptable. If you see your son wanting to go play over somewhere else and the boy is holding onto your son, go over and say to your son "would you like to go play that game?" then remove the boys hold and encourage your son to go play. Tell the bully if he treats your son like that you will stop their playing together. Don't worry about standing up to someone elses child for the sake of your child. Your child needs to know that you don't have to be treated badly to be a friend to someone.
Good luck.
in fact, parenting magazine just had an article on toddler and younger children bullying....
check it out - see if its on their website, or read the magazine... :D good luck. this is always sad when theres a bully involved in our kids life. i dont know what im going to do when it happens to my son :(
You've gotten a lot of varying responses which I think shows us all that this is an alarming situation. I like alot of what people had to say but I just wanted to put in there a little thought about your own son's perseptions too. I am too very concerned about the controling behavior of this boy and I like that you've talked to him about it. I would like to add that it may be good to talk to your son about the importance of different friends. He loves mommy but wouldn't want mommy to only love him otherwise daddy wouldn't be there either.- Just a thougt and good luck with this.
Dear M.,
My name is Elisabeth S. and I have much experience in this matter. Without going into what impelled me to respond to your letter, I must begin with empathy for your not knowing how to handle this situation. It is tough to know what to do.
My first step is to examine my fears. What is going on and why am I afraid to confront it. What is happening is making me uncomfortable about how my son is being treated but i cannot find a voice to stop it. Why? I personally get quite nervous about confrontation and have lost sleep over the prospect of stating my position!
My son also tried to make friends with the people who bullied him. He does not understand why they are that way and "I just wanted him to stop hitting me." I know boys play differently than girls, but this is NOT survival of the fittest!
That brings up the boundary issue. Bottom line is that NOONE has the right to hurt your son. That includes the complicity of that teacher who thinks that it OK for those boys to play hard. No No! It that kind of thought that breeds bullies. You HAVE TO KNOW that your son is safe while in the care of another. If he is not, get him out now. I did go up the chain of command at the school and consult with education experts at church and I made my decision to homeschool. I could not let his spark for learning die.
Please. You cannot be afraid to stand up and probably hurt some feelings. It is GOOD that you asked. Your children need you to be strong. I am not saying that you have to homeschool, all I am saying is that in this day and age we have options. You do not have to stay at that school if it is not a fit for your son.
A little about me:
A stay at home mom of two. One daughter 14 and son 9. Fierce advocate for my children.
I am a mother of two, a 10 year old boy and a 14 year old girl. My son went through the same experience with a boy his age. I pulled his mother aside one day after an event and expressed my concern about her son constantly grabbing my child and pushing him. In this situation the mother spoke with the child, however I did have to raise the issue another time with the parent. I explained that my son will not be involved in activities with him nor will he attend parties with this young man if he cannot keep his hands off of my child. During an event I noticed the same behavior; therefore I told the boy not to hit my son and that you do not hurt someone who is your friend. The boy saw it as playing; however I explained that he was too rough. I made the sunday school teacher aware of the situation in the event that it ocurrs again. We have had limited problems since my efforts.
In your situation you may not be allowed to speak with the boy because it is in a school setting, however I would suggest you arrange a meeting with the parent, teacher, principal and both boys to talk out this situation. You may have to resort to moving your child to a different class if this issue does not get resolved, because you do not want your child to think that it is okay for a "friend" to behave in that manner.
A.
Your mother's intuition on this one seems to be right on - I'd be worried too. Definitely make sure they are not in the same class next year if possible. Consider putting your son in some karate or TaKwonDo type classes to build his confidence and self esteem. Talk to the teacher about your concerns. Can you volunteer in the classroom or the school to have a peek in on him once in awhile? If it's a full day kindergarten, can you take your younger kids and eat lunch with your son?
It's important that not only is your son not being bullied at this young age, but that he develop healthy friendships. Many of my (high school aged) kids current friends are boys they met in kindergarten (on a sports team together). If your son has any interest in baseball or soccer, look into getting him on a team this spring - a way to build friendships away from this other boy.
Hi M., I think you are right to worry about your son's "best friend" situation. He is in his formative years in which he is learning what friendship is about. You don't want your son to think that friends should control each other, thereby teaching your son to be submissive, or possibly the bully himself in future friendships. Set up play dates with other children and only allow him to spend time (other than school hours)with his "best friend" when you are there to supervise. It would be best not to tell him they can't be friends or that you don't approve. In the meantime, help him process his relationship with the other boy by discussing what he likes and dislikes about the friendship and what makes a good friend.
From your description, the other boy sounds like a bully. The teacher should take your concerns seriously. I truly dislike when agressive behavior in boys is brushed of as "boys being boys." I have a son and find it unacceptable. Parenting magazine (the younger age one) this month has an article on young bullies. You may find it helpful.
M., I have to tell you, I was bullied off and on in school and it sounds to me like your son is keeping his enemies closer to avoid being bullied. If you can't beat a bully, join him. Either way keeps him from getting picked on. I doubt your son realizes what he's doing, but I feel pretty strongly he's "friends" with him to avoid being targeted. I was from a troubled home, and came to school with a lot of junk, but the physical roughness is uncalled for - even from little boys. I pray for God's wisdom for you to know what to do. I hope other mommies can help on how to handle it.
