3 1/2 Year Old with Newborn

We are dealing with the same thing over here. He's FIVE and clearly knows better. I am really at my wits end. We are very consistent and direct. It works sometimes and sometimes it fails. Good Luck and I hope things get better for you soon!

Make a huge fuss over him when he is gentle with the baby. Gently correct him when he is not. He will eventually figure out how he is supposed to behave witht he baby.

Discipline does not mentally scar your children. But your newborn CAN be hurt by your 3-year old. When he is getting too rough you need to stop him. Don't yell, just tell him "you need to stop now". It is ok to raise your voice and make a big deal about it if you see that the baby is in danger of being hurt. He needs to know that certain actions are not ok whether intentional or not. Head butting and biting are NEVER OK and he needs to understand this completely...that means automatic time-outs.
Take your son's hand and show him the correct way to touch/hug/kiss the baby. Give specific praise when he is doing well. "You gave nice gentle kisses to the baby. Good job". Definitely let him know when he is being too rough so he can learn to self correct in the future. If you don't, he may not realize the distinction between the good and bad behavior.

M. - have the baby in a seat, or bouncer, you right next to the baby, but with your hands on your son - the moment you feel he is getting too strong with her, push him away, hold him back. He IS old enough to understand, so give him one opportunity and if he comes on too strong - don't let him touch her, keep her out of his reach. Try again in 2 hours or so.
You have to protect her and he has to know that you are strong and will protect him too, that no one in your family gets hurt. "Mommy took care of you when you were a baby, and I take care of you when other children get rough - I'm taking care of sister just the same way." And don't be sweet about it - be firm, be strong. He is pushing his boundries with you by being rough with her.
MENTALLY SCARRED? By not letting him hurt another? And what about the anguish of the baby - unexpected pain from no where visited on a helpless infant. What about her mental scarring? No, you protect the baby and be strong with your son and that way you win his respect and her confidence.

Mentally scarred?? He won't be mentally scarred but maybe your newborn will run the risk of being injured if you don't let your 3 1/2 know that he'll be spanked or have some time out if he hurts the baby.. maybe you can do what he does to the baby just so he can know that it hurts?? I know he gets excited but he is old enough to understand what gentle means right?? or just supervise him while his around the baby. I have a 4 year old, a 3 year old.. 20 month old and a 7 week old.. they are all very excited of the baby and they always want to hold.. cuddle, squeeze, kiss you name it.. but they also understand if they hurt the baby they will be in trouble.. good luck.

My daughter was almost 4, when I had my 2nd child... and prior to bringing our baby home... we explained what a baby is, what they do, how they cry, how they DO NOT do what she can do etc. We totally "prepped" her during my pregnancy, about what a "baby" is. So when her baby brother did come home, she knew what to expect.

BUT also, as the previous respondent suggested... my Daughter started Pre-school, at about the same time I gave birth. SO... she got to socialize outside of home, and have "her own" thing... which when a child is at this age, they need different kinds of stimuli and socialization.

But, "boys" are much more "physical" than girls... and they poke/push and are rougher in general. I don't think.... that he can automatically "know" how to handle a baby. AND, as you know, ALWAYS SUPERVISE baby when he is around. Just in case. Accidents happens. And as he is "adjusting" to HIS changing life... he is still learning about what a baby is, exactly.

I would, carefully teach him what he cannot do, to baby. BUT yes, be careful that he is not just shunned aside and scolded... because then he will probably RESENT his baby sister... and he may take it out on her, as only a child can understand.
A child at THIS age, DOES NOT HAVE impulse control... so in a sense, you cannot "expect" him to just stop and "behave" and be a perfect gentleman. Because they do not have any impulse control. Even a 5 year old does not have complete impulse control. So, even if you scold/punish/bribe/reward him/lecture him, for example... it will probably occur again. The tactic I would take is to-- when he prods/pushes/pokes/is too rough with baby.... simply pick up baby and go somewhere else. Explain that baby is not a "toy" and she is "real" and can get hurt. Explain what "gentle" is... and show him with your hands and pretend play about it. Do it over and over and over... REPETITION is how kids learn.
Or, get him his own "doll" to play with and copy you. Just do pretend play with him... until he gets it.

Right now, you do have to watch out for your infant... but most boys are very physical... and yes even if they don't mean to and even if they don't know their own strength.... they CAN hurt the baby. So, like anything "fragile", if you have to step away even for a second, put baby where he cannot reach her. One time, with my friend's child... her eldest child, a boy, had put a pillow on top of his baby brother's face who was only 2 months old... He said he was playing peek-a-boo- and he didn't know that the baby could NOT take the pillow off his face by himself. He thought it was "funny." She was nearby with both children just about 3 feet away...but it happened so fast, that she couldn't believe it. She said if she were not there... the baby could have gotten really hurt or in trouble. But her eldest son did not understand WHY Mommy was so upset.

The behavior wont just "stop." It will take time... for him to curb it... and, also put PLENTY of focus JUST on Him too. It is not always easy for an eldest child to adapt to having a sibling, when previously they were an "only" child. Give him lots of praise.... not just saying "no, no" kind of things. In time, he will get more used to what is okay or not.

All the best,
Susan

Is he in preschool? if not i would get him started..my son has really calmed down since he started and he only goes 2 afternoons a week at Kids Klub in Pasadena..if not you're going to have to discipline and teach him how to be gentle...toddlers just have these urges...you'll have to teach him to be gentle..maybe start by using a doll?
hope u get some good answers i know it must be stressful

good luck

D.

Dear M., You are not alone! My three year old girl does the same thing to my 5 month old boy! I believe they are expressing emotions, testing boundries and need constant suppervision when they are together. I tell my girl, "gentle, he's smaller than you etc." and I praise her when she shows love and affection. I also explain that we are a family and we don't hurt one another, or if you can't be gentle right now then I'll have to hold the baby, etc. My pediatrician says not to worry to much about it, that they can't really hurt the baby, that said, they still need to be watched and taught what is right and wrong. Good luck and god bless!

Andrea

M.,
Is he that way with other children, too??
Maybe, you could get him a doll, so he could practice on how to be gentle....He sounds just VERY, VERY excited to have a new baby in the house. Did you read him books on new sisters or brothers coming home??
Ibooks and stories are a GREAT way to get him to understand...especially if they are repeated OVER AND OVER again!
Just make sure to remind him all the time to be gentle and show him HOW! you cannot just explain it, you need to show him how to behave around a baby.
Practice and teaching him how to be with others that are smaller than him will really help him...NOT ONLY with his new baby sister, but with others when he starts school!
W.

punish no but you displine him. but not so harsh way correct him right when he does it. work for my son hope it works for your son

Hello, Congratulations on your new baby. I would continue to stress the importance of being gentle with new babies with your son. He is old enough to understand. Praise him a lot when he is careful with his little sister. Help him to become involved with her care and protections. Make him the "Baby Sheriff". He can make sure that everyone is very careful with and around her. When he forgets and is not being gentle, I would ask him to move away for a few minutes until he can remember to be more careful. He will understand and will probably do very well with her. Also, be sure to make big brother time alone with him.
Good luck with your precious family.
K. K.

I know it's no where close to the same thing but we just got a new puppy. My son is HORRIBLE!! He's never been mean to any other pets and it's making me crazy! I know he has some jealousy issues and he certainly get's the attention focused on him when he behaves this way. I think he is also dealing with resentment. He likes the puppy and wants to hold him but when he does he will throw him. Again I know it isn't the same but maybe giving exaggerated attention to your son may help him feel less resentful of the attention she gets. Also showing him LOTS of attention when he does things right with the new baby. If he is being rowdy put the baby in a swing or bouncer and hold him instead of holding her to protect her from him. It helps him feel secure knowing that you will put the baby down in order to cuddle or snuggle with him.

With supervision of course maybe give him a few simple tasks to help out with the baby, and show him how to be gentle while doing it. it may give him a sense of pride helping out and teach him how to treat the baby at the same time in a supportive way. A little young I know but just saying dont do this or dont do that can make him feel as if everything he does is wrong, instead of the warm fuzzy he could get by helping.

Firmly but gently correct his behavior. If you are consistent, the behavior will improve. And as far as the biting is concerned, you want to startle him when you say no. Then encourage the good behavior.