19Mo Old Hitting New Baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I completely agree with Deb K, just poor timing and 19 months is about the time the hitting phase starts.

i agree with what the other moms are saying i think you have to watch them very carefully. i also run a daycare and had a child in my care around your daughters age when my baby girl was a new born. she was really excited about the baby but out of the blue scratched her eye ball while she was in the baby swing. i had to take my baby to the ER to make sure there was no cornial damage. from that point on if i left the room i put the baby some where that the toddler could not get to her. she is older now and is much better with my daughter. i think what another mom said about giving her baby dolls to care for while youy care for the baby is a great idea. i am sure it will pass so don't worry too much, congrats on the new baby, N.

i don't know how to help with the hitting. But with time outs, if reg. time outs arn't working, my friend tried something with her daughter that worked. Her daughter would get that lovely evil grin in time out too. So she had her put her nose on the wall while in time out. For some reason having to do that she couldn't see the attention flurry after a bad act and it would deter her from trying it again, without spankings. Just an idea.

Hi S.,

When my mother had boys sort of close together, the older one kept doing what you are describing. My Grandmother suggested that when my mom breastfed the baby to let my other brother stand behind her and hug her neck. I would like to suggest that you (if you don't already know how) give your infant a massage and let her sibling help with the massage, just so she can learn how to touch and be soft. You could also tell your 19 month old that the baby is her baby also, and let her help with changings and dressing the baby. These are just some things that I know about. I hope something helps. Good luck.

Everyone has great ideas about what to do right now but I wanted to put my 2 cents in as well. Just because you are excited to have 2 daughters does not mean that your children will get along. My boys have not liked each other from the start even though the oldest was thrilled when I was pregnant. I taught my oldest that he had to be nice to the baby but at 13 and 14 1/2 they still don't like each other. At this point I can be sad that they aren't best friends or I can realize they are very different and enjoy them as who they are. I am choosing the latter and who knows, they may like each other better as adults.

My advice is to just ride it out. Getting a new sibling is a big adjustment for the firstborn, because they have been so used to having mom and dad all to themselves. It sounds like you are dealing with it just fine, by talking about how we don't hit, and spending lots of one-on-one time with your 19 mo. old. I know it's frustrating right now, but it will eventually get better.

Also, something that I have found that works with my 3 yr. old is that when she does something wrong, I try to gently correct her, and don't make a big deal about it (negative attention is still attention). Then I try to really recognize and focus on the good and positive things she is doing.

Hope it helps. Good luck!

Hi S.,

You little 19 month old is acting perfectly normal, though not in a way you want to continue. Be careful your reactions may be fueling her continued acts of hitting etc. Children thrive on attention and your reaction can fuel her to do it again and again.

I was 18 months when my 2nd child was born. One thing I found I could not live without was a playpen on every level of the home. Whether for baby 1 or baby 2. If my older one hit or did anything 'scary' I calmly placed him in the play pen with a couple books a stuffed animal and a blanket. Once he figured out that if he did something wrong or was filling a little out of control because he didn't get what he wanted he found the playpen very calming/his safe zone and would occasionally ask just to be placed there.

Oh and while I nursed the baby I always read at least one book to the older baby. But my son loves being read to so that worked for me. You might try pulling out special toys for the 19 month old every time you nurse as well or try timing her snack times with nursing too. Then you can talk about how the 2 sisters are having a snack.

It is tough having 2 so close, but ultimately it has definetly had it's advantages. Hang in there!

R.

Sounds like she is testing her limits. She is at the age when it starts anyway, and add in the baby! Stay firm, put her in time out if she hits the baby. She is probably feeling secure that even with the new baby, you are still her mommy and still enforce the rules (it's not a conscious thing, but kids crave boundaries).
Do as much as you can to prevent it. When my second came, we got my little girl a baby doll that she coul take care of when I had to take care of baby - she even started lifting her shirt to 'feed' her baby :). Keep an eye on her so that you can stop her hitting before she starts and redirect her to a more appropriate behavior (if you stop her before she hits I don't know that she'd need a time out. Kids this age need mostly redirection.) Try to learn her triggers and signs that she may be getting ready to hit, so that you can stop her and redirect her.
It will pass.

I only have one little one that is 3 months old, so I've never gone through this. But my sister-in-law told me a couple things that I definitely want to use when I have my second.
1- when you are spending time with your 19 month old, keep pointing out to her that this is her time w/you. i.e. if her name is Kelly, say, "Now is Kelly's time w/mommy." or something that points out to her that you are spending time with her. This way she will realize and know that she still does have alone time with you. (I think it would be easy to not recognize that if she is jealous of the newborn. This way she can't miss it. But you have to keep telling her that a couple of times each time it's just the two of you so she can learn to see it for herself.) Then when you need to spend time w/the newborn tell her it's the newborns time w/mommy and that "Kelly" will have time in a little bit.
ok, I forgot what else she said, but that was the main part of it. Otherwise I think it sounds like you're doing a great job! And like someone else commented, don't make a big deal about her bad behavior, but Totally over praise her good behavior. Good luck! And I hope everything gets better quick!

Just include her in everything. Have her get the diaper for you, or have her doll doing the same thing you are, or read her a book while you are feeding your baby. Definitely have her hold the baby at least once a day. Say things in babies ear so she can ear, like "you have such a great big sister", "when you get older you are going to have so much fun playing with your sister", etc. This stage will pass! Best wishes to you!!

I think that no amount of preparation really makes the older sibling understand what it's going to be like when there is a new little one getting so much attention and making them feel displaced.

For now, you probably just have to watch the baby really carefully to make sure that she doesn't get hurt. Your older daughter is still really young. She will learn to be gentle, but it will take time for her to feel secure again.

It is a normal age all kids start hitting out of frustation, unfortunately you have a newborn. All I can say is make sure she is not ever in a position to do so. Make sure the baby is in a playpen or safely away from her sister unless you are right there monitoring her. If she does it in front of you be VERY firm with her and tell her that isn't nice and set her far away from all of you. Grab her hand, not hit her hand but grab it and set it by her side and tell her "NO HITTING", or "NOT NICE"...never let her get where she can head butt. Do the exact same punishment every single time, it will take a while but she will catch on. Remove her from the room all together and be firm.
Get her a baby doll of her own so maybe she can start practicig compassion and care with her baby doll when you are taking care of the baby? I agree spanking as discipline for hitting sends mixed messages, it is really time to let your daughter know how to be nice to others. I just really would never give her the opportunity to ever be around the baby without you being right there, you trying to catch her in the act before it happens until she is a lot older. She could seriously hurt the baby otherwise.

i went through this and it was miserable. i couldn't put the baby within arms reach of his brother for weeks. i have learned over the years that no matter the amount of time i spend with him, he will act out when he is frustrated about change. so now as soon as i realize the connection between his behavior and a change in our home, i have a conversation with him and help him talk out his feelings. i usually start with "are you frustrated about something?" or "do you want to tell me something?". you may not get much of a conversation out of a 19 month old, but you may be surprised at what she can tell you. once you know her feelings, it's easier to work on a solution with her.
another thing we did was to increase the daddy time so our son could realize that he was ok without my attention because he had someone else to depend on.
good luck!

Oh my gosh.......so totally normal! You're doing the right thing, always reminding her to be gentle. Never leave the two alone together. But this little girls world has been turned upsidedown, no matter how well you thought you prepared her, she's not even two yet. She really had no idea what you were preparing her for. Now she has to share you, and at 19 months, that's an impossible concept. It may take a few months for her to settle down. When my daughter was old enough to play, my son started to like her more. He was nearly 3 when she was born and did the same things. The minute I would turn my back he would wack the baby, on the head, on the stomach, sometimes even with toys. Don't be paranoid about it, but don't ever leave them alone together. If you see your older daughter going towards the baby, remind her to used gentle touches, and it's probably better if for the next couple months, you don't let her to close to the baby without you right there. Then do things like count the baby's toes or gently touch her head. See if your older daughter wants to read the baby a book or show her a dolly. Get her actively involved in helping you and make it fun. Don't push her into accepting the baby because she won't right away. It will happen, tho. They will probably be very close as they get older. But right now, don't expect her to be happy about this arrangement at all. The next phase she will most likely go thru is ignoring the baby altogether. Good luck, and don't worry it will get better. :)

Deb K gave the advice I would give... Something else you could try is while you are nursing, as this can be a hard thing for a young child to understand, try putting together a basket of toys that she can only play with while you are nursing. It kind of makes her feel special and since she won't have the toys all the time, they might keep her interested...

Having babies this close together can be really challenging (my first 2 are 22 mos apart) She is really little and has no idea what it means to hurt her sister. Just be diligent and before you know it they will be best friends! Best of luck!

A.

My daughter was also around 18/19 months when her baby brother came into the picture and after a couple of weeks, she started trying to hit him, kick him, push him off my lap...mostly when he was nursing. We had prepared her the same way you did with yours and we had given her a doll and taught her to "feed baby" and "kiss baby" etc. What I found worked with my daughter is to tell her no, we don't hit baby, be sogt and gentle. And I would take her hand and show her what soft and gentle meant...holding her hand while she stroked her brother's head or arm saying "soft and gentle". NEVER leave them in the room alone together! And it might help to let her "hold" baby (you can be holding her, but give your older daughter the feeling that she's doing it herself) Good luck...it took about 2 weeks before my daughter really responded and stopped trying to get rid of her brother.

I do infant childcare and one of the little girls that I have in my care is now 18 mos old. She is a little jealous of the time I take holding and caring for the younger ones and she has also went through times of being FAR from gentle with the kids. For instance, yesterday while I was changing a diaper she came up and just started to pinch the baby's arm really hard. Like you I am always telling her to be soft and to not hurt the others. The best thing that I have found that REALLY helps is to encourage the 1 1/2 year old to care for her own baby (dolls). She changes their diapers, gives them bottles, holds them, burps them, etc... She is doing so much better but still occasionally has days like yesterday. Hang in there!

My oldest was 18mo when my son was born and she had a really hard time. She and I spent all of our time together because I am a SAHM and my husband worked 2 jobs, so he was only around on weekends.

She was fine right up until I walked in the house with the baby. She hit our baby once. I swatted her on the butt (very lightly) and told her in a VERY frim voice that we do not hit the baby...

For several months she would never be in the room with the baby. If I was in the living room feeding him she would be in the dining room playing. She would not be near him. It wasn't until I started letting her hold him that she finally started warming up. I never let her hold him alone and was always within arms reach. But it did help allowing her to have some responsibility.

Thinking back on the situation if I could have done it another way I wouldn't have spanked her...I think it just scared her into not wanting to be near the baby, but it did solve the imediate problem of not hitting the baby and I did feel safer with her not around the baby. But I think she was just looking for a way to be a real part of the baby...not just being told things about the baby.

Good Luck!

(1)This is normal behavior. (2)Sounds like you are doing all the right things. (3)Keep putting your daughter in time out. It doesn't matter whether she enjoys it or not. What matters is that you are protecting your baby. Use a pack-n-play for time out. Give her one minute w/o toys. Then put toys in the pack-n-play. Let her play in there so your baby can be safe. (4)This phase will pass.

You must make it very clear that hitting or harming the baby in anyway is unacceptable. She could seriously injure the baby, she is big enough to do real damage. As soon as she does it or is about to do it grab her and get right in her face and tell her very sternly NO! You can not hurt the baby! If you startle her or even scare her a little she will get the point. If she seems to like time out then maybe it is too interesting for her, make her face the wall and have no toys, nothing fun to look at and no interaction for 2 minutes. When her time out is over remind her of what she did wrong and have her apologize to the baby. Let your daughter know that you will not allow either of your children to be hit or hurt by anyone.

The best way to change her behavior however is to prevent it, never leave her alone in a room with the baby even for a minute, and praise her effusively when she is nice to the baby, give her little chores to help like handing you diapers or wipes or giving the baby her binky with your help. Then tell her how much the baby appriciates her care and love and how the new baby loves her so much. There are many great books that you can read to your daughter about being a big sister, you can find them at yor local library. One I love is called Julius the Baby of the World by Kevin Henkes, in it the big sister does not like her baby brother at first but loves him by the end of the story. Another thing to do is when people come over and make a big fuss over the baby make sure and point out the wonderful big sister in the room and make sure that yoru friends and family make a big deal over what a great big sister she is and how cute she is too. Good luck, it will get easier with time!

Mine are 15 months apart. One thing I did do was put a play pen downstairs in the living room. I then used a mosquito netting that one uses for the car seat carrier. I put that on top. this wasy i could put thebaby down and know that my toddler couldn't toss somthing on him. Also, try not to think of it as her and the baby. Start building team spirit. I talked a lot to mine that I couldn't do this without her...really needed her help her...some day her brother would help her out...etc. We came up with team J J (Julia and Jack) she was about 2 at this time. When they squabbled, I would chant Team JJ, Team JJ. Put her in charge of something for the baby. show her to nurse her own babies with a bottle and swaddle, etc. I would get my started and then start with the baby myself. Then i would sit right next to her and go on and on about how we are twn moms and other silly things. Also, let the baby cry. So don't always say...hang on the baby is crying to your oldest. Say on purpose and with kindness to your baby, hang on, I need to tie your sister's shoes and then I will pick you up. show your eldest that she can come first every now and then. what she wants is you and no amount of Dad or Grandma time can change that. Read to her after you pu the baby down and start talking with her about feelings...I noticed you felt angry just now when I picked up the baby. Believe me, you have to fake it. I actually locked the door to the bedroom so i could nurse my son in peace some nights whenhubby not home. i let her bang and kick. then I would pick her up, sigh with her, hold her...when calm, process the anger and jealousy validating her feelings and giving your own examples. give it time. and, when the baby is six weeks or whatever, take her out for ice cream or grocery shopping together between feedings on a sunday afternoon...she'll love that and it gives time for Dad to bond with baby too.

Hi I had a similar problem with my oldest son when my second son came along they are 2 yrs. 6 mo. and 11 days apart. I was a single mom at the time and my oldest sons whole world was me so when the new baby came along it was an adjustment for him, fortunatly I was a psych major at the time I went through several different techniques like you have tried and to be completely hoest te only thing that worked was to ignore the behavior when he did it, don't get me wrong it wasn't like I gave him alot of opportunities to hit the baby or drag him off the bed but when it happened i would tend to the baby to make sure he was O.K. and completely ignore my older one it took him four days approx. to realize that he wasn;t going to get the attention he wanted anymore so he gave up! thank heaven! My advice to you if this is the route to take by all means limit the contact or situations for it to happen in the first place which I'm confident you are doing anyway. You just have to make sure that there is absolutley NO reaction towards her when she does it not a look, a word nothing. Kids are interesting and amazing creatures that push their boundries when ever they can. And the other great blessing about them is that they are amazingly resiliant. Good Luck!!!!