What can be said about this situation?
26-year-old brother lives a few states a way and is fully supported by his parents (apartment, car, health insurance, speeding tickets, food, cable, phone, etc). He has no job and pursues hobbies (racing gigs) that can bring in a couple hundred a month sometimes. He did go to college (expensive, private) but took 5 years because kept failing classes, and did not try. He is not putting out job applications but agrees he needs a job. It has been over 4 years since he graduated! He does not go to the Dr. either though he gets a free checkup each year. Had a small tumor in the ear a few years ago and won't get it checked. Does not go to the dentist, and when I begged him it ended up costing parents thousands due to neglect on his teeth.
Is life too comfortable for him, and that's making him lazy? Are other "kids" like this?
The parents are, in my opinion, dumb to keep giving as they have little money and savings.
Yes, life is too comfortable for him and it's making him lazy. But there's nothing you can do about it.
Actually, he sounds depressed. Your parents are enabling him, yes, but is he comfortable, or stuck? Lots can be said about the situation, but I think there are some tells that show that things aren't all that great - he's not taking care of himself, for example.
The more important question for you is - why are you asking?
One of my sisters is EXACTLY like this. It drives me bonkers. Up the wall bonkers. The difference being that if someone holds her hand she'll get a job (literally, go to her apt, search the want ads, send out the resume, drive her to the interview, wait, etc.). She'll keep the job... but it's like there's something wrong with her brain. She is INCAPABLE of doing anything without MASSIVE support from other people. But then she does fine. It's not that she CAN'T, it's that she WON'T. It's like she is unable to actually think through the "what needs to happen now, for something else to happen later?". Aaargh. Did I mention bonkers? Smart girl (intellectually), but soooooo wrapped up in her own self and her fears (she won't even go to a gas station she hasn't been at before unless someone is with her... she'll let the car run out and then call someone to pick her up).
Partly it's resentment on my part. No one paid for ME to go to school, for my apt, for my car, insurance, phone, clothes, etc. Partly it's frustration that since my parents are NOT wealthy (but well off enough) my perfectly able sister is milking them of their retirement (I have wealthy friends who are supported by family money, and I have no problem with this lifestyle, because they're not USING their family, and she is), and quite honestly... part of it is watching "our" inheritance go down the drain (I know, not attractive of me, but I'm just being honest).
I just remind myself that if my parents wanted to spend the money going to New Zeland, or having an extra 5 years of retirement I wouldn't care and would moreover be HAPPY for them. They are CHOOSING to support my sister. So if my sister is their New Zealand, then fine. Their money, their child, their choice.
<laughing> Still drives me bonkers. But it's not my place to dictate how any of them choose to live their lives. So I try and be happy for them.
Actually this block where I live is filled with them. Then I smugly smile to myself that I have a twenty five year old who is out, has his bachelor's degree, lives on his own and will be getting married. Then I look back into my house and see my just about twenty year old deciding that he won't take classes this quarter, has had a job however for three years, but is looking way too cozy at home. On the other hand I was out at the age of eighteen, lived on my own forever since then and am still not sure what to be when I grow up. I worry that I could have spoiled my younger child, and then I worry that I don't want my children going through what I went to. It's a never ending battle from within. You see parents feel guilty about everything and it's worse these days 'the age of entitlement'. As i said up and down this street there are adults even upwards of almost 30 who are back home after college, paying back loans, driving cars much better than us as a parent and they have new clothes all the time. I work with many of these people who make three times as much money as I do and they live at home. Are they spoiled, yes? I don't know if I think that or wish that I would have had parents who could have taken care of me. Well, be proud of your own self, I am sure your parents wake up both guilt ridden and resentful quite a bit.
yes, it's dumb. but it's their choice. you can't be a doormat unless you lie down. shrug and move on.
khairete
S.
I am younger than that and not only take care of myself but my husband and kids, house, pets, my job, and all the other things that are required. He is not a kid anymore and my parents haven't done anything for me in years, I am sure they would if I asked but I don't. Annoying I am sure but what can you do.
Unfortunatley if your mom and dad allow their adult free-loading son to live with them you have no power. Sounds like he really needs to grow up and they need to get back bones. Just take lots of pride in the fact that you are self supporting and making something of yourself. Personally I would not worry about his health or his teeth, you have better things to focus on in life. I would really distance myself from him and not even concern myself with him or what he is doing since he has no ambition or drive and does not mind taking advantage of them as an adult. I would be concerned that baby brother, or maybe even big older brother that is like a baby is digging into their retirement $ for the future, If they are not set for life , like you say and may run into financial hardship I'd let dear bro. know now when Mom and Dad fall short os savings in retirement due to his mooching ways he can plan to supporting them, not you. Move on Girl.
I've seen it as well. It seems that parents inadvertently enable this behavior. It's sad and I tend to pity these "children".
Sounds like he has no reason to do anything differently. His parents are enabling him to have this life style. Do they want him to change? If so, they have to stop providing everything for him.
Aren't you relieved that you're not responsible for his life style or the choice your parents have made to make his life easy. I might be jealous and even angry at all of them but I'd have to find a way to let go of my own emotions and accept that these are their decisions and I must stay out of it.
He's got a free ticket, why bother to do anything? The parents are enabelers and it will continue if they don't realize the error of their ways. Is this your bro, if so can't you bang on some pots and wake these people out of their trance? If they are not family, then you really have no say. It's a tough one for sure. I guess asking him what the deal is, is probably fruitless, but since there is health insurance maybe the whole family should go to counseling and see how they can break the cycle.
