My brother moved from out of state a year ago and is living with our older brother. Things our stressful for him there because my older brother Brian wanted my little brother to save money and get on his feet. Well he hasn't and has nothing saved. He doesn't like living with my older brother and says its awkward and he feels out of place. He also says the reason he has no money is because if he has nothing to do he drives around for hours until my brother and his wife are asleep. Well to make this shorter, he calls me a couple of days out of the week to hang out and I've been bailing on him because I'm taking 4 classes and I've been super busy.
I really need to study tonight and he made me feel bad and said he would be quiet but I know he won't. When him and my husband get together its never quiet. I don't want him to just drive around and he doesn't really have any friends here. Every time he calls I feel obligated to say " sure come over". But I have a 16 month old that goes to bed at around 7 and I take advantage of that time to study until 1 or 2. I feel bad and a part of me knows I shouldn't but I feel obligated to make him feel comfortable since he is fairly new here.
I know it seems he is a little irresponsible and I shouldn't baby him. He's almost 30 and my older brother is right. He should have been saving money, since he has been living rent free.
What would anybody else do in this situation and should I not feel as bad as I do? I've been having to limit him coming over to maybe once every two weeks and I feel like a bad sister. But he doesn't feel comfortable where he lives so its hard for me to say no to him.
Thank you for the responses. You all made me feel a ton better. My little brother has not one, but TWO jobs. One he works at a department store and a few months ago got a promotion. I have absolutely no idea how he doesn't have any money saved. He usually gets off at around 5 or 6 for the day and wants to spend the rest with me because he doesn't want to go home. I'm not sure if he's telling the truth about driving around or what. Because you would have to drive around a lot to waste so much gas. He did say he drove all the way to San Diego by himself before. I don't think I have time to feel bad anymore. He gives me a guilt trip and I need to worry about getting through this semester. Thanks ladies. You helped a lot.
You had me until you said he was ALMOST 30.
I was envisioning a 16 year old.
Do Sunday dinner just like every other family in America.
He comes over Sunday at 4:30. He BRINGS something - a loaf of bread, a salad kit, a dessert. He HELPS cook or clean up. He leaves by 8pm. That's how it works when you are an adult.
Short answer - NO. Long answer - Heck no. Honey - he doesn't "seem" irresponsible - he IS irresponsible.
Your younger brother is a man, but he is acting like a teenager, and an immature one at that. He has been there for a year. He should be looking for a job, and networking, meeting people, making his own friends and making his own life. He's wasting time, money and gas (not to mention generating polution for no good reason). He could go to a library and learn something, to a park and read, but he's lazy apparently.
If he's not comfortable where he is, he needs to DO SOMETHING CONSTRUCTIVE to change the situation, not complain and be a mooch on everyone else.
Unless he has a medical or psychological problem that prevents him from acting like an adult, what you and your bro need to do is sit him down and let him know what is expected. Love isn't babying - he needs some tough love to get him off his @ss.
Wait. Your brother is saying that he drives around for hours because he feels awkward and out of place at his brother's home? Who is paying for those hours' worth of gasoline? If he put those driving hours in at a job instead - any job - he could still be away from his brother and start to be self-supporting at the same time.
So don't worry about saying no to the boy if you have responsibilities and he wants you to shove those aside and focus on him instead.
If he does come to your house, put him to work! Have him fold the laundry, do the dishes, clean the bathrooms, and tidy up the house so you can study. Tell him he must be quiet while you work, and he must leave at 10 p.m. Offer to give him a book (maybe a motivational book?) to take home with him if he has nothing to do where he lives. If he must spend his free time at your house, have him use that time to your benefit. You're a homemaker, a student, and a mother. You have time to be a sister to him, but not a babysitter.
P.S. I just read your "So What Happened?" comment. I'm very glad he has two jobs! I'm glad he's doing so well that he received a promotion.
If I were living with a brother and that brother was (as he might indeed be doing) bugging me about why I'm not saving any of the money I'm earning, I would want to stay away from him, too. But this boy needs to take a look at himself and figure out why money is slipping through his fingers. There could be a lot of reasons.
He can still help you when he comes over. And you can still give him a good motivational book to read. Maybe it will motivate him to find out how to handle his paycheck, without any naggin' ol' siblings telling him what to do! :^)
Oh for heaven's sake - HE is the one who should feel guilty!
Really!
Not even a close call imho . . . think about it this way - would you do this to him if he were in your shoes? Probably not.
BOUNDARIES!
Sweetie, look up some websites on codependency. It sounds as though you and your older brother help make it possible for your little brother to stay in his rut. It is possible to change those patterns, but first you have to know what they look like.
Wishing your family the best.
He's not comfortable at big brother's because big brother is trying to turn him into an adult and he is avoiding that like the plague. Good for big bro!
If you're only having him over once every 2 weeks, then it seems to me you've got that "no" thing down.
Your older brother is right - he should have been saving money. How much money does he spend on gas? Seems to me that he would have to be doing a LOT of driving around to spend all of his money that way.
You need to tell your brother that he needs to stay home and save his money, whether he's comfortable there or not. The situation is not going to change if he spends all his money driving around.
If I were your older brother, I would be giving him a deadline of when he has to be out to hopefully motivate him to save some money. Your older brother is enabling his lack of motivation.
If he is just driving around instead of doing something productive or even parking and hanging at the mall and not wasting gas, then he is focusing on the wrong thing. Tell him that he needs to spend that time going to businesses and getting a job. That would get him out of the house and would give him money to move out. If he has a job, he can find a better one, he can volunteer, he can get a second job or go to school like you are. He's fortunate at this point that Big Bro hasn't gotten fed up and kicked him out.
You should not feel like a bad sister for having boundaries. Tell him upfront that you understand that he is new, but that you have a family and classes and it is hard to have him over every night. Running to you to avoid Brian is not the solution. He needs to talk to Brian and deal with the living situation or find a new one.
He is almost 30. He's not a child. He needs to act like a man instead of an overgrown child.
He IS irresponsible. Even my 23 yr old stepson is working and saving and planning on being able to move to his own apartment (hopefully when his buddy graduates college).
How does he have time to drive for hours? Is he not working or looking for a job? If he was that uncomfortable, he would be doing something (working) to get out of the house, save money and permanently move out. Obviously, he just wants somewhere to go, so he doesn't have to look for a job or be uncomfortable. He is a grown man, and you are doing the right thing. Don't feel guilty, you don't own his laziness or lack of motivation. If he wants somewhere to go, he can work and find a place of his own. Not leech your place.
No, you shouldn't feel guilty. He is a grown adult the same as you. You have a family and he doesn't. He moved to be with older brother thinking he could skate by. Older brother, Brian, called him on his actions. He has to make it on his own especially at age 30.
Your older brother is right about him being able to save money and move out on his own. Little brother does not want to move out and be responsible for himself. He wants to mooch off of you and big brother.
If necessary have him over and have a "family" meeting and explain to him nicely when he can come over and when he can't. He must also learn how to limit phone calls to you as you have a family of your own and responsibilities that do not include him.
He is responsible for his own happiness and success not anyone else. How else will he learn to fly on his own if you don't stop enabling him? He is going to be the same at 35 or 40 or even 65 if you don't stop. Give him a newspaper to look for jobs. Burger King and McDonalds are always hiring. It's a start. He can't be Peter Pan forever!
the other S.
A job is what he needs even if it's just picking up trash.
The rest of the time he should be at the library where he can read and not have it cost him any money.
It sounds like you're actually doing your little brother a huge favor by saying no. This guy seems to believe that it's his siblings' job to provide him not only with free housing but with entertainment/company whenever he wants, regardless of any other commitments you've made.
He needs to hear NO from you, because he needs to understand that the world isn't set up this way. He needs to understand that you'll be busy for the rest of the semester, because that's what life is like when you're in school.
Setting boundaries is a good thing, not only for you but for him.
He spends all his money on gas? Since he has so much free time he should get a second job (assuming he has a day job) or he could volunteer in the community or at least join a gym. Your older brother is foolish to let him live rent free at this point.
Don't feel guilty. It is not your job to provide entertainment for your brother. NYou are improving yourself...perhaps your brother should do the same.
Feel good that he feels so comfortable with you and your husband. I would love such a connection to my siblings.
No way would I feel bad. Sorry, but it's unacceptable for him to be that old and doing what he is doing. Unless he has a mental issue of some sort.
My little brother is 26 and suffers PTSD pretty badly. He lives with my parents still, but is thank God finally getting help from the VA for his mental and physical problems he suffered while on his tours in Iraq. But still...I hold him accountable to do things. He should be helping to clean, he has a job AND savings, when we do dinners at my house, I put him down to bring the easiest thing (bread, cookies, butter, something small but that makes him contribute).
Your older brother is doing the right thing making him own up to being an adult and live a productive life. Letting him live for free and not have any goal of getting out on his own in not something I would let fly in my house. My whole family knows I have room for whoever needs it, BUT, it would have a time limit on it and I'd expect people to be out. No open-ended living arrangements at my house.
