17 Month Olds Behavior with Other Children HELP!

I will simply say that I was in this same boat with my first child. Very energetic little girl, pushing to engage people, etc. She was NOT trying to be mean, but she didn't understand she was MORE energetic, bigger, stronger, faster than most other kids her age or how to interact with the older and bigger kids she was playing with. I never got to sit down. I stayed with her and would "remind" her how to ask for a ball, how to wait her turn, etc. I never expected to be a hands on/helicopter parent, however my daughter's age and energy level dictated that I needed to be with her.

I envied the people who got to sit by and watch their docile 1 1/2 yr olds playing next to them, digging in the dirt or toddling about. That was NEVER my 1st child (luckily for me it was with my 2nd).

We learned simple phrases like "hands to self", "wait your turn", "say excuse me" as cues to remind her. I must've said these 1 million times.

Although I felt I HAD to stay with my daughter to supervise her behavior on playdates, public places, etc. I feel that I also "got control" of my child at a MUCH younger age than people who seem to blow off toddler poor behavior as "just being kids". My daughter has grown up understanding rules, limits, etc. and just a LOOK from me will get her in line if she's acting up (she's now 6). Yes her toddler years exhausted me. But I feel like it was an investment in her future. What some parents are struggling with now at 4, 5 and 6 we covered well earlier.

Just know that she's too young to "discipline" much. Removing her from a situation is the best thing you can do. Let her know that a "timeout" on your lap if she pulls hair is because SHE was "not nice". IF she can "agree" to be nice, she can try playing again. If she continues pulling hair, the playdate, visit to the park, etc. is OVER.

They understand more than we give them credit for. If she begins to see a relationship between "being not nice" and leaving, she will GET IT.

TRY to be patient, repetitive in your words and consistent in your "discipline" and she WILL GET IT. Yes, it's exhausting. But it's well worthwhile to get control now so that things will be easier as she gets older.

And about your getting stressed out...no one expects toddlers to be perfect. Not hurting other kids, yes we expect that. However if you are "on top of her", I think few would fault you for her toddler ways. Teach her to say "I'm sorry" when she's not nice. And try to take it all in stride.

Best wishes - feel free to msg me if you have more questions. I've been there.

Very normal:) You can help create a dialogue for her:)

example: When she pulls at a child tell her "Stop pulling. That hurts. He doesn't like it when you pull. You really want to say hi, you can say hi. You can wave your hand like this to say hi." If the other child does not want to give her attention tell your child, "He doesn't want to say hi, he is telling you no." Then redirect her to something else or someone else. All of this should be said without a punishing tone, but more of an explanation tone:)

Repeat, repeat, repeat. This is all a normal part of teaching her social skills:) Most children are not born knowing how to interact with other children:) What you are describing is not really aggression, but just curiosity about the children she is coming into contact with:)

You can also spend lots of time with her playing with her baby/doll modeling gentle touches, shaking hands, waving hello etc...

Good luck!

Don't be embarrassed or stressed by her behaviour , she is still a baby and is learning , any other parent out and about will understand this and will not judge your parenting by her behaviour. If she were a 7 or 8 old doing the same thing then that would be different. Toddlers go through many different stages to get what they want or someones attention , my 22 month old screams. When you are at the park and you see her do what you don't want her to , squat to her level and say "no gentle hands" (or something along those lines) and show her what way she should be getting the other childs attention. If you are consistent then she will learn very quickly.
The way you chose to discipline is your choice , I see some parents discipline kids for things that I wouldn't even consider "misbehaving" but it's there child , there rules.

Try and relax a little , this age really is a fun age!

Hi Jessica, First off, don't beat yourself up. Secondly, we as mothers all want to have the "perfect" child, wishful thinking. I call that "closet parenting". We all have our days so why do some mother feel the need to smoke screen the reality of it all (lie) how its all so easy and their children are easy. We all have days so don't feel embarrassed. And once those issues are taken care of, there will be new ones. As, my husband put it the day we took our first child home from the hospital, I can't believe they let us take him home and they didn't even bother to give us a manual. What the heck were they thinking? LOL! But we got through it just fine. My second son was more work then I was ready for, seeing how easy my first was. I had to deal with biting which my first son never did so I was lost. LIke pushing other children its all related. I found that children who act like this are tired, over stimuated and/or want attention. So I try to look at when he acted this way, how often and how their behavior was up to this point of aggression. My son would bite his other brother when he wanted something he wanted and usually was also tired because it happened at the end of the day. Since they can't talk at this age we have to read between the lines for them. I feel it is their way of trying to tell us how they are feeling. Taking them out of the situation when it first happens at this age worked well for me. Trying to explain to them at such a young age they usually don't get it in my opinion. Im all about cause and affect. Physically removing them the minute it happens seem to work for me. Of course it won't work the first time, just need to be firm and consistant and they usually get it. At least it worked for me. They are also testing their limits when they see how much they can get away with. At least you are trying to deal with it and find a solution. Its the parents that ignore their childs bad behavior and sit aloof and say, oh boys will be boys or they have to work it out. Take care and make sure you take time out for yourself. Your a great mom and don't forget that.

My 18mth old pulls her sisters hair (6 1/2!) when she is jealous about sister getting attention. I am also registered on Babycenter.com and parents.com. They both have topics weekly about what your child is doing or thinking and I got this topic a few weeks ago. Apparently it is normal and she will outgrow it. Check out these sites for advice also.

Jessica,

One thing you will realize the longer you parent is you try one thing, then try another for each problem. What I would highly recommend is that you use "logical consequence" every time. I have created a philosophy used in early childhood programs using three key "rules": Safe, kind and clean. Explain to your daughter, "It is not Kind to pull Keenan's hair." Say the RULE every time she breaks one. Say what the action (not she) did. "It's not Safe to push Ashley", etc. But....if she continues....remove her from the area or the activity. Do it with little drama. No shame or guilt. Just, "You need to leave the play area, you aren't being kind to the other children."

If it continues, you may need to leave the park.

Check in with yourself, too. Sometimes we as parents are unaware how we are enforcing negative behavior. Is someone allowing her to pull hair in a playful way and thinking it is fun? Even if it seems so different from what she does to others. Some parents will not even notice with their toddler is hitting or slapping them to get their attention off the phone, away from the computer, etc. We make excuses for our children, "he needs a nap, she's is cutting teeth...." We must be consistent with all of the people in their world and employ the same ground rules all the time.

I hope this has been helpful. My philosophy is called Enlightened Discipline which employs those 3 rules: Safe, Kind and Clean. I encourage parents and teachers to NEVER use Time Outs. When we use a Time Out, we have stopped teaching.

J. Jenkins S.

I can't add one single helpful bit of advice to the three marvelous Mom's that have already answered you!! What great advice and what loving Mom's they must be!!
The only thing I can say is to model the behavior that you would like to see in her ( Both in this situation and in other things as well) and TALK about it at home and in other situations. Repeat, repeat,repeat. You can even discuss the fact that you see a child ( in a store or out on the street) modeling behavior that you DON"T like ("oh, look at that little girl hitting her litte brother, I bet that makes him sad!). When she starts pushing or pulling, hitting other children on the playground, intervene in a calm, non-threatening way....get down on her level, make eye contact with her and start that conversation with her..."I know that you want Johnny to play with you but can you think of a better way to tell him, use your words, not your hands" And redirect, redirect,redirect....if the problem is happening at the swing set...take her to the side to play...etc.
Most of all...as the other Mom's have said...trust your instincts...love is the most important ingredient here, she is learning everyday and this stage will pass, to be replaced by a NEW stage of behavior that will have you equally as perplexed!! It is all part of being a Mom!!
Good luck!!

I empethize with your situation! my son would throw sand at other kids. what we tried was, if he hurt or was mean to another child, then we left the park. I laid out the rules before getting to the park so he knew what was coming. believe me, other parents will understand.
L.

When my daughter was 18 months and younger, she was always the one that was the recipient of those kids. Now she has learned to just walk away.

I would suggest that when she does something that is not so nice, tell her if she does it one more time you are going home. If she does it one more time then pack up your things and go straight home. Sounds easy but most moms will just say that and not follow through. It does work, though. My daughter has had her moments and after a couple times of leaving after being at the playground for only a few minutes she finally understood that she could play longer if she was nice to the other kids or listened to me. I think they alwayys need at least one chance, but then their "punishment" (such as leaving quickly) has to be carried through in order for it to be effective.

Good luck! 18 month olds are difficult in general....my son just turned 18 months 3 days ago and........it's been interesting. But, my daughter is turning four soon so things are getting better from that aspect. :-)

Hi,

My daughter did this when she was exactly this age. I remember one time specifically. We were visiting a friend in the suburbs, and we walked to a small neighborhood park. There was only one other child in the whole park when we arrived. My daughter hopped out of the stroller ran all the way across the playground right up to this little boy who was minding his own business playing with his mommy and pushed him over.

I was mortified. So, my advice is that the time outs will work - it just takes time - so keep at them. This is a phase that will pass as long as you keep working at what is appropriate behavior. Model good behavior and engage with her when she wants to play with other kids. My daughter is now 9 and perfectly socially capable. I promise this phase will pass. My daughter was/is also quite tall (she's over 5' already) and she will have the issue her whole life of people expecting her to act older than her age. As her mom, I even do that to her. I still find myself parroting
'she's only 9 ALL of the time."

Good Luck,

J.

Time outs probably aren't the most appropriate method of taking care of this type of problem. You might take her aside and talk with her briefly if necessary, but what is most likely more necessary is that you demonstrate to her what her appropriate behavior toward other children should be. Try, since you already know she has a problem with this, being right there and guide her as she approaches children, to try to prevent incidents. If she still manages to act inappropriately, step in and tell her "this child doesn't like it when you pull his shirt" (or whatever she has done). Then say something like "if you want him to play with you, you can ask him to play" then perhaps turn to the other child and say " she wants to play with you. Will you play with her?" Give her the language to use and demonstrate for her appropriate touching by touching the other child gently yourself. Of course you need to be aware that if you have an overprotective parent of the other child around, you may need to appease that parent first, before utilizing any of these methods.

The minute she does anything that would be deemed aggressive in your eyes step in a tell her plainly that she should not behave this way and redirect her to another area. If she misbehaves again tell her that if she cannot be a good girl, she cannot be at the park and then pick her up and leave. This is how my son learned that certain behaviors were not acceptable.