My 1-Year-old Is Pulling My Hair!

Boy this is a hard one...I had long hair and my daughter did the same thing. Tried everything, finally got my hair cut SHORT! Needless to say it solved the problem!

Without sounding cruel, it might be time to give her hair a tug. Unless she understands the pain she is causing, she may continue using this as a way of asserting her will. What you are describing sounds very willful. If that is not the path you choose, what used to work effectively for me when my five were little was a flick on the hand. It smarts enough without being a slap and sends the message that this is not acceptable behavior.

My sister has started interrupting her son before he bites or pinches by saying, "I'm not going to let you bite me." That's taking the control out of his hands & putting it in hers. Seems to be working. It is a frustrating problem, I know.

Oh Casey...does this bring back memories!! My oldest son, who is 16 now, did the same thing to me also when he was about that age. He did this for a while, no matter how many gasps, ouch yells, or looks of horror i had on my face. Finally we decided to show him what it felt like. After one of his scalping techniques, i gently grabbed some of his hair, and gently pulled.. just enough to show that it does hurt.. I explained to him, that it hurts mama..see??? Honestly he stopped pulling my hair.. After that a few times, he would get mad, then stand and pull his own hair and make a few whining sounds because it was uncomfortable (which we thought was hysterical, but not in front of him..) I think he was somehow understanding that it hurt.. He stopped all together his head and mine within days of this and never did it again..

We lovingly look back on seeing a small boy standing there holding his own hair and fussing about it.. Oh the things we remember..LOL

Im not telling you to pull your sons hair, because some people my think it innapropriate.. but we teach our kids to respect other people and that was our idea at the time..

Hope this helps C.!! Just a little laughter for the day.

K.

My grand son used to do that to me. He use to see what he was doing to me, someone was doing it to someone else. But we had a strong eye to eye conversation; and I stay the course with the strong no's and he stop.

The only thing I found really helpful in the past is saying "that hurts" and pulling her hair in response. That's telling her that you don't like her response and get her a feeling of what's it's like to have her hair pulled. For my children it took one pull for the first child, one pull for the second child, and three pulls for the third (she's the stuburn one). Good luck.

Dr B.

i have four kids and i think at this age it is hard to dicsipline and have them fully understand. although i am an advocate of it. pick one thing and stick to it. putting her down and walking away after telling her no is probably most effective. that said, i am also convinced that diversion tactics are necessary at this age. it becomes almost habitual to them...just to get a reaction. strictly wear your hair back for a week and see if she doesn't forget all about that praticular lil tantrum tactic.

It does sound horrible, but do it gently, tug on her hair right when she does it to you. Say, 'See, it hurts, huh? Mommy doesn't like it either, please stop.' (or something like that.) And, do put your hair up for a while so it's out of reach. My daughter did it for a while, not to be mean, but to sooth her I think. But she has stopped. We also tried slapping her hand, didnt work. Putting her down and leaving her be for a few minutes too helps. Be consistant and she will get the picture.

Dear C.~

I am sorry that you are experiencing this painful display of "how far can I push mama", but in all its glory, that's pretty much what it is. You mentioned that she started this about a month ago, and you also listed a rather impressive number of tactics to dissuade her from continuing, but you haven't seen the results you desire. If you have tried all those different methods in a month it seems that you might be jumping too quickly to a new disciplinary action. Little children need consistent, predictable management of their boundaries, and when something new - either in their behavior or your management of it - comes up it takes them a while to adjust. I would discuss with your husband what you think is best, and then commit to apply it every time she pulls your hair, consistently until her behavior changes. Because children learn by repetition, it will take her a while - especially since she has unfortunately learned that you will stop the unpleasant discipline if she just keeps at it long enough (they are so smart aren't the???? LOL). It is so hard in these times of training to remain patient, but with diligence she will learn to associate the unwelcome action with its painful consequence. *smile*

As soon as she starts to even touch your hair, just gently remove her hand and re-direct her to something more interesting. She's too young for time-outs, firmly saying "no", etc. None of that will work until she has the mental capacity to understand right from wrong, which doesn't come until somewhere around age 2. And smacking her hand (unless she's reaching for something dangerous or life-threatening) is not only useless, it may also interfere with her trust in you, since she'll learn to equate mommy with pain (and not being able to understand that it has anything to do with hair-pulling, this isn't a good scenario).

The 'remorse' you speak of when you walk away is not true remorse - it's simply her being sad that her mommy is going away. Like I said, she doesn't have the capacity for remorse yet. At this stage in her development, it's best to simply re-direct.

Have you tried to praise her if she doesn't? Tell her to stop and you'll give her something. Sounds like someone has a temper there. Tug hers a bit and ask her if she likes it. Maybe have her pull her own hair. I know its not a pleasant thing to do. She doesn't understand the head has sensitive spots on the head. Reverse psycology might work. Tell her your going to pull hers if she don't stop. I can't think of anything else. Let her know that it hurts you instead of walking away.

I had that happen. The only way we were able to stop it is to pull her hair and show her that it does hurt. I know this sound horrible but it gets the point across timely and quickly. Once they understand the pain to themselves hopefully they understand the pain to you. Sorry that you have to go thru this.

Take care,

C. Halbig
Independent Mary Kay Beauty Consultant
www.marykay.com/chalbig

About me - I have a 15 year old son and 11 year old daughter.

HI, C.;
My name is J.. My kids also went through that discovery of new and improved cause and effect... "I can change my world (Mom) thing." I recommend Putting your hair in a pony tail with clips, or braiding it, or wearing a bandana when you are doing things like feeding, bathing or having other very close contact with your daughter for awhile. Kids that age have not developed much of a sense of remorse or right or wrong. But Life is not a rehearsal, and she will have to learn the basics from you...at this early age, just making it hard for her to do the wrong thing is good at first (making hair, earrings, whatever inaccessable) but soon you will have to become relentlessly like a broken record: repeating your short "no" phrase, and delivering a consequence she does not like. This takes a little experimenting as you know, but try something swift and definite. A long, gentle explanation won't do it. Maybe a sudden removal to a crib she will be safe in and can't get out of for ten minutes. Or when you see her hand coming up to grab your hair, grab her hand first and say, "No hurting Mommy." And just keep repeating it till she gets bored. She may be frustrated (loudly) but just take her to do a new activity. If you are feeding her, then maybe that will be the end of the meal! If you are bathing her, she gets pulled out of the tub and taken off to her "removal area." If you are watching a movie, it's over! If you are playing, it's over. One more thing. As this could easily become a power struggle, do not have a spiteful, frustrated or desperate attitude when dealing with it. Act quickly, matter-of-fact, consistantly (so you don't have to fumble and try to remember what you were planning on doing) and sometimes even with sympathy. ("Oh, well...I have to take this ____ away now, because you hurt Mommy. I'll be back in a few minutes for you!") Hope this helps some. J.

Hi there!
I would suggest tying up your hair, especially when you are around her or cutting it.

We've had success with giving our children the warning, "If you do it(insert pulling mommy's hair, throwing, food, etc.) again, you'll get a time out. Be firm! If your child does whatever you asked her to not do, give the time out. Make sure the location is away from you and anything that will distract her. We just happen to put them on a step around the corner from our family room. Set a timer for about 30 seconds and once time is up, have her say "I'm sorry." If she stops doing what you asked say "thank you" so she knows she is doing the right thing. It will take a few times and eventually she will get the idea that when you ask her to stop she'll get your positive enforcement when she obeys.

Good luck!

I know it seem's cruel, but pull her hair just after she does it to you. It doesn't need to be to hard, just enough to hurt a little, then tell her "see, it hurt's doesn't it, so please don't do it to mommy's hair because it hurt's mommy too."

My son went through a phase like this about 2 months ago. My mother in law told me to pull his hair. I could not do it at first because I thought it was to mean, then one day I decided to try it pulled it just hard enough that he could see that it hurts and he has never pulled hair again. I don't think he understood what he was doing until it happened to him. He never pulls my dogs hair either now.

Hi C.:
If you have tried everything else, which from your letter it seems as though you have, then I would pull her hair back next time. I know some people may think of this as cruel or whatever, but honestly it works most of the time. My daughter was in a pinching phase which really hurt. She pinched my husband once so hard that he ended up with a blood blister and bruises. So, the next time she tried it, my husband pinched her back and she screamed for about a minute and was explained why daddy did it. She stopped screaming and appologized for pinching and hasn't done it again since. That was 6mos. ago. (she's almost 3).

Hope this helps,
S.

Hi C.,

My first son used to do this too, except he thought it was funny. I know it probably sounds mean, and some moms won't like this, but what I did was whenever he pulled my hair, I would pull his. Of course I wouldn't do it as hard as he did, but it was hard enough for it to hurt him a little. I explained to him that when he pulls my hair, it hurts mommy too. It stopped within a couple of days. I think it had a lot to do with him understanding that he was hurting me. I don't think he knew what it felt like when he was pulling my hair.

Good luck.

It sure sounds like a frustrated child. I find this age til about age 3 with my daughter was a little challenging. She knew what she wanted but verbally had a little trouble. I would suggest. Revisiting when this occurs, you will probably see a trigger for her frustration. ie... overtired, super hungry, or just plain mad cause she's not getting her way!lol. The trick would be to interrupt the process...saying " we don't pull hair" ""use your words, what do you want"? "calm down" "use your words" Use a calm voice, look at her, don't shout.

You have to mimic what you want her to do. When you have an opportunity, let her know when your mad, use simple words "I'm mad right now, I need to calm down" then show her how to do that" simple books about manners and feelings worked wonders for my daughter, make a routine of reading...because the books will help you explain things while your family grows, there are chilren books on every topic you could imagine. The used book stores are great.

You are your daughters teacher, everyday she sees and learns new things. What a wonderous time. I tell my daughter, now 19 about her stubborn 3yr old phase. She loves to hear about it and she is still determined, stubborn and adventurous.

My son alway pulled off my glasses and threw them.

I wish you and your family well. You will be telling this story with love to your teenager some day.

good luck.
D.

At age one, kids can't really hold on to things congnitively long enough to benefit from any sort of "discipline" or reminding. Pull your hair back, put it up, or whatever you need to do to keep it out of your baby's reach. It's totally normal for a kid this age to grab hair, and it has apparently turned into quite a battle, so take away her ammunition!

Good luck.
K. K.

I come from a pretty large family with lots and lots of kids and something a lot of parents don't understand is that little kids have no idea why they're in trouble... How can this be..? Because they have not experienced what they are in trouble for... They don't know pulling hair hurts so they are confused as to why they are in trouble... The next time your daughter pulls your hair give hers a little tug and she'll understand... I'm not saying pull it out or be mean just give it a little tug and say ouch... That way she understands what all the fuss is about... Kids are way smarter than we give them credit for but if they don't understand why they are in trouble then they can become confused... I really hope this helps a little and I know even the thought of tugging on your babies hair is unthinkable but she's doesn't understand it hurts...

Ouch! I'm sorry to hear about your daughter's behavior. One suggestion might be to actually address her frustration rather than her outbursts. It's not commonly known but very often if a child has food sensitivities it can affect her mood and behavior. Yes, they can even lead to anger outbursts! Try feeding her an exceptionally clean diet for a week. In other words, avoid processed sugars, processed foods, wheat & dairy (common allergens) & see if her behavior changes.
If this doesn't work, I would suggest trying homeopathy. It can bring about amazing results with children.
Good luck to you,
Dr. T. Fleck

Maybe this will help. If you show how much it REALLY hurts you she will stop. I saw a most interesting thing happen when my little adoptded granddaughter was here in our home two years ago, My husband and I live alone and we have allot of nice things on a low table. They are very breakable and valuable. Anyway this little girl started to touch them after repeated no's from her Mother and my husband fell on the floor and started crying. That little girl has always been respectful of all of our things ever since then, she is 3 now. I raised all these boys when I was young and I never tried that. I remember the first time my 4th son bit me hard while nursing. It hurt so bad that I really did cry and he never did it again. I nursed him for a full year after that incident and at the time he was 7 months old. The children need to know shame and pain that they inflict on others or they will be spoiled brats. I would so much rather have smothered them with kisses but disipline starts early and if you do not always try new things for disipline, and not give into their bad things you will ruin them. You sound like a really good Mom, just keep trying. I sure learned the hard way!!!

Hi C.!

Ouch! That hurts! I remember those days.

Well, at least it sounds like you found out what she DOESN'T want to happen. You walking away. You may have to start there. She IS old enough to understand that if she has done something wrong and hurtful, she needs to apologize for it.

She just simply may not know how much she's hurt you.

I feel so silly saying this, but when I had this trouble with both of my boys, I would have to pretend to cry sometimes, and make them feel like they really hurt me. I know that sounds terrible, but the hair pulling and face slapping really hurts! The APOLOGY is the key afterwards, too. Make her apologize to you or anyone else she hurts....immediately!

If it were me...again...I would try to do everything I could to "catch her hand" before pulling my hair. If I missed, and she got even the smallest "grab", I would say "OUCH!" (really loud), then say, "you need to say "sorry" or mommy won't play with you if you hurt me". Then do your "get up and walk away thing" if she doesn't apologize. Even in the public park!
Kids have the hardest time learning to say "sorry". Now is the time to teach her that, she IS old enough.

When my step-daughter came in to my life she was 8 yrs old, and would NEVER say sorry for anything, because nothing "was ever her fault", and it couldn't even be reasoned with. It's only since she's become an adult, that she understands how to say "sorry" in most all situations.
When she was 10, we realized that it was something she simply wasn't taught. That "window of opportunity" came and went when she was young enough to "mold"! And, believe me, it's 20x's more difficult to teach it to a "know-it-all" pre-teen girl...yikes!

Your little girl is completely normal! Most kids this age try to hurt their mommy (in my experience). This "stage" usually doesn't last long, especially if you are not letting her get away with it. Remember, before she reaches her 5th birthday, she should've learned all that it takes to "mold" her manners. That's what I've read, anyway :0)

Good Luck!

:o) N.

Hello C.! My son used to give me tantrums like that, to the point were i said enough is enough. I told him that i wasent his daddy but that i would whip him like if i was. Just be more agressive, raise you tone. Just like a father would. Hey she sounds like a tough little moma so be a little tough mom, show her who's the boss. Also show her how it feels but of course nicely because she's only 1 but you'd be suprise how much these little ones can take. Well hope this was a help, it helped me :)

Hi there, my daughter who is 3 now, did the same thing from about 15 months until she was almost 2. The difference was that my daughter would hit me! We tried all of the same methods you tried and to no avail. I really do think it is a phase and the best thing you can do is to let her know that it is not ok, that it hurts you, and scold her in any way you see fit and eventually she will realize that it isn't working for her. i got so fed up sometimes (especially in public...yikes) but it truly does go away if you stay consistent :)

best of luck to you!

She isn't old enough to understand or show remorse her reaction to you walking away is confusion and saddness because you are leaving her....

Say Ouch or Boo Boo calmly everytime she pulls your hair - don't yell - stay calm - - - use the same word to describe when she is hurt!!! She will soon learn the word means pain and stop, but you have to be consistent and patient - this could take a week or so...

Don't worry - the hair grows back!

Pull her hair back, telling her that it hurts, and showing her that it hurts. Obviously not as hard as she is pulling yours, but enough to get her attention. When she does it again, pull a little harder, showing her that it hurts and telling her that this is what it feels like when she does it to you. Always worked for mine child!

Please do not pull your child's hair to try to teach her not to pull people's hair. It may "work" but that does not mean it's OK. Teaching with respect takes time and repetition, but maintains the positve relationship with the child. Your idea of setting her down and walking away shows her you are not going to give her any attetnion for the negative behavior. She is looking for a reaction. After consistently doing this over time, she will get the point. Pulling her hair does not teach her what it fels like because a one-year old can not understand another person's point of view or generalize what they feel to others. I like the idea that others had of pulling your hair back as much as posssible to avoid the situation when you can.

Oh man that sounds like a tough situation. So, she is playing with your hair? Do not let her do that anymore. Then I would say, put your hair up or in a hat. Sometimes just avoiding the situation helps, but it can be difficult to constantly avoid something and may not help. Maybe you can take something away from her that she really likes. I am not sure if that is effective at her age, but you could try it.

Take care,
P.

Try a little empathy.
Let her know that she is giving Mommy 'owies', that she is hurting you. My middle son had this same problem, but it lasted only a couple weeks. I had to lay it on a little thick, talk like I was on the verge of tears, act like he had hurt my feelings, a couple times, and that was the end of it.
I hope this works for you.

Casey, I have two girls, ages 5 and 1.5 and let me just say that I know exactly what you are going through. With both my girls when they were about 13-16 months old I could not take them to the park or let them play with other kids (and they were both in preschool full time) becasue they were physically very agressive -- pushing, hitting, pulling hair, etc. It's terrible to watch your kids do that. All I can tell you is that is a phase your daughter is going through (she's learning about her effect on the world around her, but also she's learning about boundaries and limits). My advise to you is to be consistant with your "consequence" and understand that repition and consistancy is the best way to teach your daughter what is acceptable behavior and what is not. Find what you feel most comfertable with -- a a stern "no" and put her down, a time out, tell her that hurts, whatever you feel most comfertable with, and then each and every time she pulls your hair do the consequence....it will take time, and it will take a lot of patience on your part, but having gone through this twice, I can tell you that she will grow out of it. Good luck.

M.

Try taping socks to her hands when she does this. Try using the first aid type tape. She will not like this much but may get used to it and your hair will be safe until she learns.

C.,
I have owned and operated my own PreSchool/Daycare for 22 years. Have raised two kids, now 20 & 23...
You have got to be so frustrated with this behavior...This is the age where they tend to act out more aggressively then normal and it really isn't something "text-book", it just is..
I know you have tried smacking her hand, which obviously doesn't faze her or you wouldn't be writing.. : ).. I have found that pulling their hair back seems to get the point across. Once she feels what her actions feel like, in my experience, they stop rather quickly.
Stand your ground, letting her know her behavior is not Ok, as I have seen it go from hair pulling to hitting parents in the face..
Keep your chin up, it should pass with a little patience and firmness!!
M. in Ca.

I have five daughters ranging in age from 19 years to 2 years old. I have been where you are now and can relate to your problem several times over. Two of my girls were hair pullers as well. I tried all of the tipicle disciplines just as you have and nothing I said or did worked either. The only other thing I could think of after exhausting time outs (for them and myself) was to pull their hair in return. It wasn't any fun and I hated to make my girls cry but it was the only thing that worked. I only had to do it a couple of times and they quit. I hope this helps.

I know how frustrated you are and how upsetting it can be when you are having it done to you. I have a 2 year old son who was doing the same thing and seem to be getting pleasure out of it. He then started to pull his own hair out. We contacted his daycare provider and Doctor for advise. The Doctor informed us that it is a normal behavior that is anxiety and thats how he self sooths. So (I know we Mom's dont like this part) we shaved his head.
The plan is to wait 6 Months and then let it grow back so he will learn not to do it. If this sounds to drastic you might want to call you'r childs Doctor and get some advise on where to get the behavior help.
I hope this helps you and I wish I could make it less aggrevating. Good Luck