Hi mommas!
My hubby & I are 1st time parents & our son is almost 14 months old. Now that we are starting toddler-hood, I know we need to start disciplining our son so that he learns proper behavior. Right now the 3 things we'd like to work on are:
1, Not pulling my hair
2. Not yanking someone's glasses off their face when they are holding him since he always ends up smacking them in the face!
3. Not throwing food off his highchair tray. I know this is a stretch given his age, but we can dream, right?
Anyway, if you know of a website you like or a book you read that is great, please share! The only things we really know about disciplining are spanking (which we are not fans of) & time outs (but I think 14 months may be a bit early for this).
Thanks in advance!
okay....here is my idea....just start doing time out
I know you are thinking....how am I going to keep my 14mo old in time out.
Here is how....set up a play pen in an area and have it be designated for time out ONLY.....I use this with my boys (14mo and 30 months).....works beautifully.
I second the Love & Logic books. As for the first two types of behaviors, putting him down generally worked for us. We have found that giving any type of emotional reaction or stern voice gets us more of the same of what we are trying to get him not to do! As for the food throwing, we never, ever picked it up or mentioned it at all. We ignored it completely and he rarely ever did this. Don't let it become a game. If he had kept doing it, I would quickly end the meal as well, saying something like, "You've stopped eating, you must not be hungry anymore." Take the food away, take him out of the high chair and move on to something else. If he really didn't eat anything, then go back to the meal in a bit, but get him psychologically separated from that meal. We also used plastic on the floor. I bought a pack of these cute disposable Winnie-the-Pooh "splat mats" and I'm still using the first one. I just clean it off.
I highly recommend the book Love and Logic for Toddlers by Foster and Kline. They also have a web site.
If you think outside the box, time outs will work for this age. A time out is just separating him from what it is you want him to stop doing. When he pulls your hair set him down. Same with glasses. In fact, when he starts to reach tell him "do not pull my hair" and set him down. When he's misbehaving separate him from the activity. Redirect his attention to something else.
I suggest putting down a layer of plastic under his high chair and focus on other things that are more easily stopped. When he throws things off the high chair he is actually learning about physics. :) He is learning about the texture of hair when he pulls hair but he is also hurting you. When you stop him from pulling hair you're teaching him to not hurt. Dropping food off the high chair does not hurt anyone. We do have to choose what to work with because we cannot stop everything at once.
For hair pulling and face-grabbing (totally normal behaviors, but SO annoying) you just have to consistently say NO, and put them down. I grab my son's hand, not hard, but I squeeze it so that he realizes what I am referring to, and say no. Then you put them down and take away what they are playing with, even if you pick them back up 30 seconds later. It takes a while but done consistently, I think it works best. It is very basic version of timeout if you think about it. But I agree, a couple of minutes of timeout in the corner isn't going to help yet.
I agree that stopping the food throwing is expecting a bit much at this point. Yep, it is also annoying, and you can keep consistently trying to curb it, but he will probably just have to outgrow it.
I have had the book 1-2-3 Magic recommended to me for similar issues with my 2 yr old. We conquered the hair pulling and then the throwing stuff stages, but now he runs away when I am trying to do things with him like get dressed. It just never ends, I guess. Anyway, I am waiting for the book to come in, so I haven't read it yet, but that is the one I have heard good things about.
Granted, my son is younger than your's ( 10.5 months), but he does all of those things. That sounds pretty normal to me! My favorite website for seeking out answers to my 'first time mommy' questions is http://www.AskDrSears.com. Type ' discipline' in the search box, and a list of answers will come up. All the advice on this website has been nothing short of helpful, and confidence boosting for me as a new mommy!
Hope this helps!
Definitey find more about normal child development...what is reasonable to expect from a child at the different ages they go through. I think a lot of parent frustration and confusion is due to expecting too much...esp as kids get verbal ability. We tend to assume they have a lot more maturity than they do when they start to talk!
Spanking is so controversial, and even time outs can backfire. there is nothing that works for all kids all the time...as they develop at different rates and adapt to some discipline strategies in ways we do not always anticipate. (Spanking could lead to the child spanking the cat or dog or friends!)
It is good to have a big collection of "tools" on hand...and a good, healthy relationship with your child...for effective parenting in a complex and challenging world!
I found the book "Unconditional Parenting" by Alfie Kohn to be extremely helpful. Good luck!
We were able to nip throwing food off the highchair in the bud around 14mts by taking him out of the highchair every time he did it and saying that meal time was over for him (and no he couldn't sit in mommy's lap until mommy was done eating). 9 times out of 10 he was not hungry anymore and didn't need to get back in his chair. If he threw a fork or his cup I would just say "bye, bye fork" and he would have to eat the rest of the meal with his hands or being spoon-fed by me. I never picked it up for him. It seems to have worked for us, but of course all kids are different.
Hi L.,
Remember that kids understand a lot more than we realize. Persistence and consistency are key. Each time your son does something that is unacceptable (and I mean each and every time) calmly but firmly let him know that his behavior is unacceptable. For example, if he goes to grab glasses (my son did this all the time), grab his hand and move it away from the glasses while saying in a firm voice, "[his name] we do not grab glasses, would you like to play with xyz instead" and hand him something else (it's good to have a toy in your pocket). Soon he will be entering the testing phase, where he is totally aware of what he is supposed to do and not do and when he enters that phase, you may want to try the count to 3 approach (it's worked for us so far). If our son is doing something he is not supposed to do, we say, "Kieran, do not bang the door" If he doesn't immediately stop, then we say, "You're not listening to Mommy/Daddy, if you don't stop banging the door, we're going to take away xyz (if he has a toy in his hand), or you're going have a timeout. Do you understand? 1...2...3 and then immediately without hesitation the punishment that we said we would do, we do." We do these things by getting down to his level and requiring him to look us in the eye.
Our son is now almost 2, but we started this around your son's age. It takes time and patience and a lot of repeating, but it will eventually stick. Now, I usually don't even get to 2 before he stops his behavior.
I read something on Mamapedia once that really stuck with me: The lazy parent is the one who spends all their time picking up after the kids. It's harder to take the time to teach your kids the correct behavior than to just do it for them. I have remembered this every time I have wanted to just 'throw in the towel' so to speak. The effort, time, perserverence and consistency we put in now will reap rewards we cannot imagine in the future. So whether it be teaching them pick up their own toys, or not throw food - firm, loving consistency is what is needed.
p.s., I am glad you have chosen to not go the spanking route. It has been proven over and over that it is not the best method nor even needed to discipline children (it seems like an easy way, but it ends up making things worse). Thinking about it logically, how can we teach a child to not hit by hitting them?
Love and Logic for Toddlers is good. So is 1-2-3 Magic. At this age redirection and natural consequences work best. Throwing food from the highchair is almost a cause/effect developmental stage. The experts will tell you the cause/effect is the food hitting the floor. I'm certain my toddlers just liked seeing me run! The hair pulling and hitting glasses is part of that too. Hair is just another toy to hang on to and the face hitting is more about muscle control - think about it, we've been letting them bat their mobiles and stroller toys all they want. We're still a toy to them at this age.
The consequence part is that when they throw food, they are done with their meal. Say, "Uh Oh! little Johnny is throwing food, meal time all done." Clean him up and send him on his way. No fussing, just a natural consequence. Try not to make a big deal out of the throwing or the cleaning, this only reinforces the behavior because it's fun to cause us to have a reaction.
When they bat at the glasses or pull hair just say - "No no, leave glasses on face "or "owie, Johnny, no pull hair" If he is really persistent, then the natural consequence is putting him down to play with other toys.
We never had good luck with timeouts until well into the 2s.
Linday, nothing on this site will illicit more catty and judgmental mommy advice than discipline issues! In fact people are so passionate about their particular phylolophies that you are more likely to be confused than clarified when you ask these types of questions. So I would encourage you to really listen to your own instincts. You are defiantly on the cusp of needing to discipline and good for you for getting some good book advice. 14 months is still a little early to discipline, but 18 months is really the turning point in my experience and seems to be the same for most people. When I started to discipline I found that time outs where really confusing and traumatic for her. I actually a had better outcome with a little swat on the diapered butt (though I only used this when she was openly defiant, not for things like throwing food). I know , I know what they say about spanking, but just so everyone reading this knows; the current research on spanking in studies did not differentiate between hitting the face and hitting with objects, or closed fisted hitting with appropriate open handed swatting. So there is no research out there on appropriate spanking. I now use time outs 95% of the time because she is over two, knows to sit in her naughty chair, and gets it. I bring up the spanking because I wish I had put it in my bag of tricks a little sooner. When my daughter was about 16-18 mo she bit me until I bleed. My whole family was there and witnessed my dear- in -the- head lights approach to disciplining my daughter. I was bleeding and in pain and she didn't let up on the bite for what seemed like an eternity (tried to pull her off but it made it worse). I was so caught off guard and so undecided on the spanking issue I let her do it! I look back on this time and realized she needed a swat right then and there! Live and learn, read books with a grain of salt, and follow your own mommy instincts. (I also learned a technique to release a bite, you push their head into the bite and they often release). I didn't use a consequence with throwing food until age two. Sometimes I give her time outs, other times I take her out of the chair and ask her to put the items in the trash can.
I would recommend Love and Logic also, it definitely would help you with these specific situations and also blends well with your opinions on not spanking. It is a great book, program and seminar if you ever get the chance to go!
LOL, your issues sound very familiar. i have a 19 mo old boy who challenges us too. our family counselor told us about a book called P.E.T. Parent Effectiveness Training. My husband and i look to this as a means to raise our son under these principals. basically the way we talk to him and treat him results a positive or negative behavior. the purpose of the training is to avoid discipline. http://www.gordontraining.com/
It has helped us in communicating with each other too.
best wishes for you and your family,
Easy to love, difficult to discipline by dr. Becky Bailey. My parents as teachers educator recommended this book. While I find it challenging and exhausting to use these techniques, they do work. Her main point is focus on what u want the child to do rather than being negative ie saying no all the time. Leave mommy's glasses on her face. Our food stays on our tray. Your child will test these same limits every single day, but she will learn to make these decisions on her own rather than out if fear. Our educator also encouraged us to look at her behavior in a positive light, try to see the best in your child. If she is bossy, choose to see her as a leader. If she is defiant, choose to see her behavior as willful and inquisitive. This has helped me temendously. Otherwise I can really go into a she is being such a bad child, what are we doing wrong mode etc. All of these things you mention are completely normal in your child's development. Good luck! Remember consistency is the key. That us what I struggle with every day!
Love and Logic. They have a serires for toddlers works great!
Don't Feed the Dragon! by Sandy Spurgeon McDaniel
This book has great advice for all the way up to teenagers. Hope this helps.
Hi Lindsey,
Toddlerhood can be tricky. Here is the link for my website and a column I write for My Daily Find. Let me know if I can be of any further assistance.
www.GilaBrown.com
http://www.mydailyfind.com/family/the-parenting-coach
Be well,
G. B., M.A.
Child Development Specialist & Parent Educator
I have the Supernanny books and I really love them. Sounds cheesy but she's really great.
My boys are almost 15 and 11. My best friend's boys are 5 and 3 - she has at least 20 books on child rearing, and still can't figure out why her boys are so out of control. Even her parents won't watch her boys, because they have "too much energy".
My advice to you is consistency and be a parent, not try to be their buddy. Kids need to know where the limits are and that there are consquences to their behavior. I'll repeat this - consistency. You don't need to find that in a book. Good luck!
Hi, My daughter is about the same age. We haven't started disciplining except when it is something that could harm her. If she reaches for something that could hurt her we give a strong no. All other times, and she does everything you mention, we use the art of distraction. When she drops something from her highchair, I take that as a clear message that she's done with it, so I don't return it. For the glasses, we take the glasses from her, gently say no and then point out something else in the room or hand her something else. This was difficult at first, but now after the first gentle no, she moves on. We go to a music class where they hand out instruments and bells at different times of the class. When it's time to put them away, we sing bye, bye and return them. I've now started doing this with returning everything to its proper place, glasses, toothbrush, etc. I'm amazed that it works (so far).
I'm curious to hear what other parents have to say. My instinct is to not really discipline until they can more easily understand right and wrong. Until then, we've adopted a lead by example attitude. Best of luck and I look forward to learning from the responses you receive.
Cheers,
Liz
I have two kids, 16 years old & 3 year old. I have read many books and have attend several parenting classes. I recently went to a lecture at Mt Carmel and heard Dr. Rosemond speak. Wow, what a wonderful experience and a breath of fresh air! I rave about him to everyone! Even to my friends who do not have kids because he speaks about discipline from the time they are born! All common sense but we tend to lose our common sense because there are so many people telling us how we are supposed to do things!
Please check out his website. He has his lectures on CD too!
Good luck!
Do we share the same child? LOL
Im thinking these are common problems. We are working on these things too. I'll try to watch your post to get help for us too!
Try Harvey Karp's Happiest Toddler on the Block
READ Parenting with Love and Logic. They also have books specific to toddler years. Many churches and schools offer free classes in it as well. They have cd's too if you don't want to read...
Well, fav book is called "parenting by the book" by john K. Rosemond. He is Christian that went through the Bible and actually looked there for parenting advice (though he has degree in child development too.)
I am sorry if you are uncomfortable with A Christian based parenting book, i did read your profile to see if you were any denomination or religion and figured you might just be ok with it.
