17 Month Old Temper Tantrums / Self-regulation Problems

I would suggest finding a professional to help you out. we have birth to three in Ct and it is free and they are helpful w/ tips on how to deal w/ issues. maybe you have that in your state or something close? also I would suggest that you find a parenting class in your town as the educators can be a good resouce/helpful. I also suggest reading the happiest toddler on the block for ways to talk w/ chilren to help them deal/learn their feelings. and maybe transforming the difficult child, I dont like that term bc she is not really difficult but it is what it is. good luck! xo

#1 rule: do NOT let her see you sweat when she cycles into this behavior. You have to feel & keep the peace to be able to bring it to her.....since she is unable (at this time) to promote this for herself. Do not raise your voice, do not respond with frustration or anger. A very wise teacher once told me to lower my voice to gain control of the child.....& it truly works! & Once you get her calm, then find a quiet place to release your own feelings.

When my older son was battling a degenerative hip disease (began at age 6), we taught him to imagine his anger - place it in a box, being very careful to fully package & enclose it, to visualize closing the flaps & all - & then to complete the process by mentally throwing that box at a wall. He is now 22 & has told us that the process did help him....but quite often he pictured that box exploding & blowing up! I told him it did not matter what he did with that imaginary box.....as long as it removed his anger & angst!

So would it be helpful to give your daughter a special doll or stuffed animal, & to use this as her outlet for her anger? A blanket, a happy picture you've had laminated?? Try to find something tangible for her to hold onto ..... because I seriously don't think you are going to prevent these tantrums (at this age) until she is old enough to fully understand the process.

I do have one more method to recommend: when I notice that the children are beginning to butt heads, I will quietly begin a new activity at the table or will begin folding blankets & organizing the toys. Without saying a word to the kids, their natural curiosity will draw them to my actions. What about getting a small piano keyboard & use this to draw your daughter out of her tantrum? Just start plinking a few soft notes (if you don't play).....& I'm hoping she'll be drawn to the music. Clearly, softly state that she may play the piano when she stops her fit. I know this probably sounds dorky, but it's simple stuff like this which works on children! Peace!

Don't know if this could apply to you, but my daughter has bad "colic" as a baby that was actually food allergies that caused reflux. Her first ped would only diagnose her with colic. When we left that practice after one visit, her new ped, and her GI docs confirmed my diagnosis of reflux, but I had to figure out the allergies on my own. Even allergists told me she had no allergies, but allergy test are very unreliable, especially with babies. I observed what i ate (when breastfeeding) and what she ate, and what her response was. She had very bad behavioral responses to several foods...tantrums etc. She would fall to the ground screaming if someone walked too close to her. Figuring out and avoiding her allergens (and later, getting them treated) has made a huge difference in our lives. Now she's a sweet four year old, but we still occasionally have issues which we can usually trace back to a food. She was also a binky baby...it was the only thing that soothed her when she was in pain. We made it a bedtime only thing too, and around 3.5, she gave it up on her own.

Hello,
I feel your pain. I am the mother of 3 yr old and 18 mo. old boys and the 18 mo. old is giving me a discipline work out right now. Most of the good books on discipline don’t cover much that works for one yr. olds and all of the good techniques are for 2 or even 3 and up. I am reading a book by Harvey Karp, MD called The Happiest Toddler on the Block right now though that I would recommend for the little ones. I think some of his metaphors are a bit weak but he has some good practical advice for dealing with discipline situations. Last month before I read this book I was using a 30 sec. mini timeout for direct disobedience situations that sounds similar to what you said you are doing. It wasn’t working well for me, every time he was bored he was acting up (playing with the computer etc. intentionally to get me to come and fight with him. The mini timeout was not time out for him it was time in because it gave him attention. Karp says you can give a one yr. old a one min. time out in a pack in play. He recommends the pack in play because that way you don’t get in a fight with them about weather they will stay in the chair. Also, like most people he strongly recommends using a timer. This longer and less interactive time out is working better. Don’t get me wrong. He still tests me regularly but usually one time and not over and over again for a fun challenge. Karp also recommends a lighter form of timeout before you go to the heavier form I just described. Karp says you should pick them up and take them in the other room and leave them but don’t block them in just let them come out whenever then if that doesn’t work you then use the one minute in the pack in play.
I only use time outs for disobedience when they have had a warning first. I don’t give a time out for a tantrum. Karp has a good technique on getting them to calm down. He says that they don’t feel understood a lot of the time and because they are yelling their brain sort of shuts down and they are not listening very well. He recommends using simple words or phrases repetitively and intensely mirroring some level of he child’s emotion to let them know that you understand what they are upset about and then as they start to calm down and listen you can state your position and then follow up with an attempt at distraction. For example: Baby Jane is throwing a hissy fit because she wants to play in the fridge and you have shut the door to the fridge blocking her out. You say loudly and in a slightly angry voice “Jane is mad mad mad. Jane wants fridge. Jane wants fridge. Jane is MAD. Jane wants Fridge.” Then as Jane starts to calm down because you are saying something she agrees with then you say “but Mama said “No fridge right now. Let’s go play with blocks.” I have been trying this a bit and it seems to help with the frustration of not being understood. I have not finished the book yet but I know he will have back up suggestions for when this technique doesn’t work. You might want to look at this book it is one of the few that deals in detail with one year olds.

When she does this, does she endanger herself? Can you ignore her to see if she will stop? My son had colic for many months and he never went through this as a child..........so I've never heard of it......

What happens if you move her to her room and leave her there?

I think you might also try the very low talking and maybe turning on some soft "elevator music."

Good Luck and I hope you can get some good help for this. Take care.