Help with 16 Month Old Hitting Mom When Getting Disciplined

When my kids were little and would hit I would first grab their hands, tell them "no hitting" then demonstrate how to nicely touch somebody - pat an arm, hug, etc - while saying words like "nice", "hug", etc. Then I would often redirect them to a toy or activity. Sometimes if they continued hitting, I would tell them I was going to a different part of the room and when they were ready to be nice I would play. I didn't want to scare them or make things too dramatic because I didn't want them to loose their trust in me, so I didn't act too mad or yell and I welcomed them when they approached me.

From experience only....stop using the word,"NO".....Intead make a conversation about what he is doing wrong. Example he is touching something that he is not permitted too, say, oh wow look at this....get his attention away from whatever he is touching....Remove him verbally.....If at anypoint he tries to hit you, grab his hands gently, and say hands are not for hitting, they are for...loving... and kiss his hands like a goof ball...giggleing and such. Hug him....He will realize that hitting is not allowed, and that he gets positive feedback from you when he does not hit. He is hitting you because he is experimenting with his initiative and autonomy, which unfortunately, does not match with what you might feel he should be doing. Try inviting cooperation instead of insisting obedience. Ex...."there are toys on the floor, would you like to pick them up with me or do it by yourself?" Children will usually listen, and do as we ask if they are given the empowerment to make a choice. Do not let him hit you, and if he actually does hit you, then without a second that goes by tell him, "that really hurt(or that hurt my feelings). Do not demand or force an apology. Share feelings and such...say, "would you like to go to your cool off place for a while?" This is a place that has a few teddy bears, a book and such...just a very small area. It is important for you to teach him that people feel better when they are calm. If he does not want to go, maybe model for him, and say,"I am very upset right now. I think I will go to my quiet spot until I feel better." I hope you get some great advice here.....

ADDED:
I see my nemisis, Amy J, has recommended spanking to teach not to hit (LOL) Rather than to launch into one of my typical defenses, I invite you to read my past responses in regards to this subject.
Amy and I are going to try to see each other's point of view, but for the time being I still contend that the irony is crazy when you HIT a child to teach them NOT TO! LOL

I think I need some clarification in order to give advice...when you say "discipline" do you mean spanking or the us of corporal punishment? Or do you mean it in the way the word was intended ("to teach")? If it is the former I would say there is your prolem right there. Children who are spanked learn to hit back back frustrated (sorry if I am making an erroneous assumption). If it is the latter, I recommend a book called,"Positive Discipline" by Jane Nelsen (GREAT book!!). As always, I think Celeste has some fantastic advice.....good luck, sweetie!! :)

Hi C.,

What do you discipline him over? Give me some examples of what you say and do?

Just want to know. Thanks. D.

Hi C.....
I wish I had advice for you, but I in the same boat. Only my son is 2 1/2 and hits us and even pushes up if he doesn't get his own way.
When he does it, I tell him not to hit me and then I grab his arm with some pressure. He even throws things too when he's mad. We've been taking toys away that he really enjoys and even video watching. I also sometimes put him in time out.
I'm not sure when the hitting started. I would say in the fall. But it has gotten really bad in the last few weeks. His anger scares me. When he is mad he will look for things around the house to throw. I'm hoping it's a stage and that he will outgrow it. Time will tell!
Well...I'm sorry I have no advice for you, but at least you know you aren't alone!!

Hi C.,
I'm sorry to hear your son is hitting you. As a mother of 3 boys ages 11, 4, and 14 months old. I have dealt with that before. The first thing is make sure he's not learning from someone how to do hit. Children at this age only copy behavior trying to figure out why people hit. So when you get upset at him-don't hit him. I'm sure your not hurting him but sometimes as parents we react in anger. Also, be sure your husband is actively involved in the discipline of your son. Your son needs to know that if he's hitting you then Daddy will find out and will discipline him.

What's worked best for me at this age is to sit him on my lap while firmly but gently holding his hands/arms still and look him in the eye and with a stern voice say "No. You do not hit Mommy. That is not nice and it hurts me." At this age he will not sit still in time out but you are still the mom and you make the rules. Don't let him see you get angry but act like you are in control (because you are) and no matter what he does you will not lose control.

He's testing his limits. Even though this advice will not help over night, if you keep sitting him down and explain to him to not hit you, eventually it will sink in.

Good luck & I hope I helped! Keep up the good work. Being a Mom is the hardest job of all but totally worth it.
N. S.

You are right to nip this in the bud. I would calmly and firmly say, "no hitting," and then walk away. Depending on the layout of your house, you may have to leave the room, or put him somewhere safe before you leave. And be sure to give tons of praise for when he doesn't hit, and "gossip" to daddy, grandma, etc. when he's done the things you want him to.

The whole point is for him to learn to that hitting "looses" you, and not hitting gets your positive attention. I would recommend The Happiest Toddler on the Block by Dr. Karp if you are interested in reading more.

I find the idea of spanking in this circumstance ridiculous. "No hitting" while being spanked is just silly, confusing, ineffective and unnecessary. Children can and do learn to behave without being hit. There is enough violence in the world without bringing it into our houses. (Just my 2 cents.)

C.,
The first thing is to have confidence in the fact that you are the mom and have the right and the duty to discipline your son. Don't shy away from discipline because you don't want the reaction that follows. And remember not to take the reaction personally.

He might be acting that way because he is angry with you for trying to stop him from doing whatever he is doing. He sounds like a child with a strong will and determination. These are very wonderful, admirable qualities, but can take a lot of strength and determination on your part to help him channel that positively.

So, when he strikes at you, kneel down and look into his face and say firmly, yet calmly, "His name, you may not hit Mommy." and then sit him in time out for about 1 minute. (I always did about one minute for every year old they were). Then after the minute is up (which will seem like an eternity to him, you can even set a timer and tell him he can get up when it beeps) then tell him that he needs to apologize to you. Even if he isn't speaking much yet, he can still hug you and be repentant.

Then the next thing to remember is that just because you did that, doesn't mean he won't do it again. He will. He will continue to do it many more times, but as long as you are consistent each and every time he strikes you in retaliation, he will eventually get the message. Or he might do something else instead (like kick, or spit) and if he does, you do the same again.

I also developed what I'll call "mantras" for a lack of a better term. They were sayings that I seemed to automatically answer with or say to the point that my kids got sick of hearing them, but they were very worthwhile in their training.

One of them was, "When you ask a question, the answer can be yes or no." That meant, "You may not throw a temper tantrum or any other such thing just because I say no to you. I am the mom, and I have the right to say no." I did not allow my children to have any reaction except obedience to what I said (as in, no stomping of feet, no eye rolling, no negotiating, etc.), and if they did, they went to time out or to their room or they got whatever they were asking about taken away. Your son is too young to understand that mantra now, but if you start using it anyway, he will begin to understand it little by little.

Another one is, "I am the mother and you are the child. You must obey mommy." (sometimes, like in the store when they were standing up in the cart, it would be shortened to, "Name, Sit down" and if that was ignored, then "You must obey mommy.") This just establishes your rightful authority over them and makes them secure in the fact that boundaries and relationships are established. I remember saying that so often when my daughter was one years old that one of her first words was "obey".

Also, sometimes in non-emergency situations such as when I asked them to do something and they didn't, I would ask, "Who am I?" and they would answer, "Mommy" and I would say, "who are you?" and they would answer "child" or "their name" and I would say, "What must you do?" and they child would say, "obey" and then I would say, "Ok then." and then they would do whatever it was that I had asked them to do. They knew the drill so well that as soon as I began to ask, "who am I?" they would either go ahead and do what I had ask, or say, "ok, ok, I'm doing it."

My kids are so amazing. They are now 21 (almost 22), 20, and 16 and they are such wonderful, remarkable, talented people. I have enjoyed every age and every stage of their lives and I count it the biggest priviledge of my life to have been their mother.

I hope that helps,
L.

My son is 18 months old, and I just finished reading my first "discipline" book. It's called Shepherding a Child's Heart by Tedd Tripp. It's a Christian-themed book, and really helped me see that a lot of the time-outs and behavior charts that are popular today may not really teach a child to obey for the simple reason that they must obey their parents. This book does use spanking, but there are guidelines to it. Definitely not in anger and only when you're calm, with immediate restoration afterward. I taught elementary school for 6 years and naturally lean toward time-outs and behavior plans. But, I am looking forward to getting to the heart of the matter with my own kids, which was really hard to do with school kids since I could not mention God. I think that only with God's help will I be able to discipline my children effectively. I didn't love everything about the book . . . but I did like the fact that it gave me some guidelines to follow. Hope you can figure out something that works for you. I am starting to see that it will be the little things now that will shape these kids later on in life. Consistency is key, everyone says! :) A friend also mentioned a book Train Up a Child - haven't read that one yet.

That's tough! I know you don't want that habit to stick around! Is he around other children alot? Maybe he picked up the habit from another child. I also read somewhere that parents who use spanking as a discipline tool, can have it end up backfiring, because the kids will learn to hit to deal with their frustrations! Not saying you believe in spanking...just throwing it out there because I know some parents do. Good luck! I think if you keep telling him that it is not nice and that it makes you sad when he does that, he will eventually stop.

If your son is not verbal yet, hitting you may be his way of communicating that he is angry that you told him no. He is upset that you are telling him to stop and wants you to know it. Some kids pretend to not hear you, some kids talk back, some kids hit.

What is your reaction to his hitting? I would hold his hand and say "no hitting" firmly, then not let him go back to what ever he was doing that made you discipline him in the first place. He may need short time outs in a chair with you nearby in case he decides to get up. You have to make him stay in the time out chair until you say its time to get up. At this age a couple of minutes seems an eternity, so time outs don't need to be long to be effective.

Parents don't always have the time to explain and reason with a child. Sometimes for the child's or other's safety he needs to stop NOW. So you child needs to know that he needs to do what you say right away and not expect a reason every time. He needs to know there are consequences for not obeying you.

We teach our kids to obey first, ask why later. I don't believe that spanking is always the best discipline, but sometimes it is, and should be reserved for extreme disobedience or rebellion.

Hi C., When he hits you you need to get down to his level, take his hands in both of yours and very firmly tell him "NO HITTING!" If he continues then you may want to start time-outs (the rule of thumb is a minute for every year-old they are). You need to get this under control now before he starts hitting others. Best wishes.

Hi C.,
I love all of Celeste's advice!
Also, you might try to walk away from him when he hits. It's a negative consequence he will see (and feel) immediately. Kids hate that. You can just say "No hitting." or "We dont hit." and walk away. Time outs will most likely be a nightmare for a 16 mo old (and you!) but he may just get the point if you walk into another room. Good luck.