Need Advice on Tempertantrums

You might look into a program called Smart Discipline. I think they have a specific program parents can use with small children this age. Just google Smart Discipline. I saw a speaker a few months ago at my son's school. The system looks easy to use. Also, Love and Logic is an excellent program. They have a book specifically written for parents of small children.

Just wanted you to know that my 3 year old is the same way and we've tried it all too. One thing that helps me is knowing that she is still too young to regulate her emotions so maybe she is just very sensitive and has a hard time staying calm. I've also heard that if you tell the child that you understand what she wants, "I know you want that toy. You want that toy!" and then calmly explain why she can't have it, she'll eventually appreciate the empathy. Try Harvey Karp's "The Happiest Toddler on the Block." Hang in there!

Are her time outs where you can see her? She may be worse in front of you to seek that attention. When my now 7 year old would throw a fit like this and cry, we would put her in time out in her room and tell her that when she stopped crying she was welcome to come back and join us, but not until. It never lasted more than 20 min. each time. Good luck.

B.,
I don't know if this will work, but we did this with our daughter (who is now 4 years old). We told her that we CANNOT give her what she wants when she doesn't ask nicely. She HAS to say please and she has to use her 'big girl voice'(no whining). It has worked! BUT - you HAVE to stick to your guns. NO giving in (no exceptions) to avoid a scene. She now not only asks nicely but she says "please may I have some water, mommy". She doesn't get what she wants unless she asks nicely and uses her manners.
Best of luck,
K.

You might try a bit of a different twist on time out. Tell her she is going to time out until she changes her heart. She may come out when she is willing to apologize for her actions SINCERELY and then be obedient with a happy attitude.

Of course, she won't get it right at the beginning. She'll come out immediately because she wants to see if you really mean it. Invest the time to keep sending her back. Coach her on what a good attitude and obedience look and sound like. Tell her to go back to her room again until she can look and sound that way. If she has a tantrum during the coaching, just pick her up and put her on her bed---don't say anything.

It would be EXCELLENT to teach her about this when she is not upset. Find a good and happy time to lovingly and matter-of-factly teach her. Lay out the ground rules and expected behavior for her AHEAD of time. Go over the same thing many, many times. None of us learns something the first time we hear it.

The same approach can work with a 16 month old. Praise the daylights out of both of them when they get things right. Give them tons of affection and praise---not material things---for their good behavior.

These are teaching opportunities. I understand how frustrating it can be, but rise above the emotion and be consistent and you'll win.

When I was little my brother all ways thought tempertantrums. My Grand Dad walk in on one He pit my Brother up and turn him over his knee and pop his butt 2 times and said know you have a good reason to though that fit. He never though a nother one .when he got older I ask him why he quit though those fit. he said grand dad show him that he love me.

Look into Love and Logic. I have a 2 1/2 year old that is fantastic at throwing a tantrum...rolls on the floor, kicks and everything...something to see!! My first wasn't like this so I was unsure of how to handle it until I read (and went to a seminar)Love and Logic. Basically, you just say "uh oh looks like someone needs some bedroom time" and pick him up and put him in his bedroom until he can calm down for several minutes...also gives you a chance to calm down. I explained to mine that he's welcome to have a fit, but his brother and I don't have to hear/watch it so off to his bedroom he goes. Now, all I say is "uh oh" and he says "sorry" and is amazingly calm!! Anyway, get the book (or just look at the website www.loveandlogic.com ), it's hilarious and takes the anger out of being a parent which is always good!! One other thing I just have to add....just because something "works" doesn't mean it should be done!! I mean you could duct tape his mouth shut and that would "work", but obviously not the best thing to do...(just reading over some of the comments you've gotten)haha...good luck...it's a funny age!

Whoever coined the phrase "terrible twos" must have not had a three year old yet! They are very frustrated because they want to do everything by themselves even though they are not able to really handle that yet. The best thing you can do is make sure she does NOT get what she wants when she acts this way. Even if it is to stop the tantrum. If you give in once, she will know it works and will keep doing it. Stay calm yourself because at her age, she is out of control and needs to know that someone around her is IN control. Ignoring may be the best thing -or saying, in a CALM voice, 'when your voice sounds like mine, I will talk to you about it.' It will be hard and take time, but once she knows you mean it, she should calm down. Just don't give in and she will learn that tantrums do not work. Good luck.

I guess this is kinda like time out but not exactly. I personally can not handle whinny children. Fits and temper tantrums don't happen in my house, any more of course. I have a very strong willed child. He is an only child of course and is spoiled which is why he use to think he could throw a fit and get what he wanted. Well I was at my wits end one day and my friends mom was here and when he started on of his fits she looked at him and told him to go to his room. He of course did not listen and kept on. She picked him up and took him into his room. I followed her and listened as she told my son. The only room you can throw a fit in is your room. She told him that as soon as he was done he was more then welcome to come back and join us. Of course he didn't like this and ran back into the living room probably twice and every time I picked him up and said the same thing to him. From that day on if he felt like he needed to throw a fit he went straight to his room and closed the door. I didn't have to hear it anymore and he got his frustrations out. The fits have stopped now but when he starts to whine about something all I have to do is tell him that if he is going to whine he needs to do it in his room. Try it, it may work for you. BTW he was 3 when we did this.

HI, you got alot of good advice. One thing that works for my little drama queen is to really praise her when she is being good, when shes using good manners, when shes helping me. That has created her behavior to change alot!! However we still have drama moments but they are not as bad as they used to be. Just be consistent of praising her when she's good, do it several times a day every day. Hopefully you will see a change.

Hi B.

Have you tried immobilizing her? I would pull my son (now 16) into my lap and hold him tightly with one arm high on his body(around his upper chest and arms) and the other around his hip to keep him from bucking. This in combination with soft, calming words worked everytime time usually in a very few minutes. Hope this helps.

M.

B., it's time to tell her that if she wants to cry and throw a temper tantrum you're going to give her something to cry about. You turn her over your knee and swat her bottom and then you take her to her room and tell her she cannot come out until she quits crying. She has the control when she does throws these tantrums and she knows it. If your son sees her getting a spanking he won't want to do it because he won't want one. I raised 3 boys - it worked with mine and they haven't suffered from it. As a matter of fact, my dad spanked me once for a temper tantrum as a child and believe me, I never did it again! Once was enough for me. It took a couple of times with my boys because they didn't take me seriously.

Yikes! I'm told all the time that girls are more difficult than boys. Mine is only 3 months but I'm sure I'll be in the same boat as you. A friend of mine has a 3 year old strong willed girl and she SWEARS by this book:
http://www.amazon.com/Setting-Limits-Your-Strong-Willed-C...
She said the best part of this book is the real life examples of exactly what to say and not say to the child. When reading them she'd say, "Yes, exactly, that's exactly what happens with me and my daughter." She said that while things may not be "perfect" they are definitely much better and everytime she sees a screaming child and a frustrated parent, she wants to hand them a copy!
When reading the reviews I found this:" I also HIGHLY recommend another very helpful A-Z book called "The Pocket Parent", a convenient pocket-guide written for parents of normal but often challenging 2- to 5-year-olds. It's a great practical companion book because you can simply turn to the specific challenging behavior of the moment (like hitting, morning crazies,tantrums,interrupting, bad words, lying, whining, etc.) and get some quick bulleted suggestions to try. You do not have to read "Pocket Parent" cover to cover...but rather consult each chapter topic as you need it".

Personally, I like the supernanny. She has a great book out too! My son will be 2 next month and I'm going to need some discipline advice for sure! He's already started engaging in the occasional tantrum.

My daughter who will be 4 in August went through that same behavior. We tried everything including bribing her. Nothing worked. I really think it's a faze they go through. As of 2 weeks ago she doesn't act like that anymore. Let me knock on wood. The last 2 weeks before she stopped doing this was the worse. We ignored her. We really, really ignored her behavior. I think she wanted extra attention. Just stick it out. I'm pretty sure it’s a faze she is going through.

Tantrums are best ignored because they are usually an attention getting tactic. Another thing thats fun to do is to, while they are throwing a tantrum, getting down on the floor and throwing a tantrum with them. (Don't do it everytime, but once in a long while it can get a point across.) When you imitate what they are doing, it makes them stop and say "What are you doing? You look so silly" or whatever their opinion of your tantrum is, and you can take that time to explain to them that you were simply doing what they were doing. It will make them see how rediculous it is to throw a tantrum, and hopefully put an end to it, at least temporarily. I did that with my son about 6 months ago, and I'm thinking it may be time to do it again. I also know of a lady who did it with her daughter in Wal-mart (because her daughter was always throwing tantrums there) and apparently she hasn't had a problem with it since. Her daughter was embarrassed by it and stopped. I personally would never do it there, but that's me.

When my son did this in the department store, I asked him to scream a little louder and continued shopping. He would do it, and I asked the sales lady if she could hear him. She knew what I was doing, and said no. He screamed until he noticed I wasn't getting upset, or trying to correct him. His next tactic was to throw himself on the ground and kick and scream. I pointed at him and said to a lady passing by "doesn't he look funny pitching a fit?" I got a weird look from her, but I'll never see her again! He realized that his fit wasn't getting the result it normally did. I walked off, (keeping on eye on him of course) and made him follow me. When we got to the changing room, I popped him on his behind, and that was the last fit he EVER threw. I really think that he wasn't embarrassing me, but only himself. He's 7 years old now, and well behaved.

Have you tried giving choices? My 3 1/2 year is also very stubborn. Rather than argue with him I give him two choices- both of which are agreeable to me. For example- 5 minutes ago he was playing his Wiggles music very loud. I asled him to please turn it down and he threw a fit. I gave him 2 choices- 1) He could turn the music softer himself or 2) Mommy could turn it off for him. He picked to turn it down. This usually works with most situations. If he continues to throw a tantrum. I tell him he needs to go to his room for time out until he can settle down enough to make a choice. At that point, I sometimes have to take him to his room. After a few minutes I go back and ask him if he has calmed enough to rejoin us. He usually has and always will then pick one of the choices I gave him.
This system did not work for my older son because he is a negotiater; however, for him, a reward system was very effective. We had a chart and gave stickers for positive behaviour. Once he got a certain amount of stickers he got a reward. Stuff like he picked a place to go to lunch with mommy. 30 minutes of game time with daddy, trip to the ice cream shop, etc.

Good luck!

Hi B.,

I have read in a couple different books that tempertantrums may be caused by too much activity during your week along with not enough sleep. I remember reading to look over your schedule and try to slow it down and tighten it up,have more structure. Does she sleep well?

I know when my son, 2yr old, starts to have a tough time and has a tantrum I look at our day or the past few days and notice that we have had a full schedule. He does better when we are not on the run all the time. Hope this helps?

Ya know, B.,
I've learned after three kids (and babysitting and nannying since I was in my teens...and observing my friends with their kids...etc... :) that with some three year olds, they could care less if the tantrum accomplishes anything or what your response is to them...they simply WANT to respond to their displeasure in this way. Could be a personality thing, could be simply that they have more emotions at this age than they know what to do with...etc. So the idea that what you do (stay calm, show them the proper way to talk, take something away, put them in time-out) will always affect how they respond next time, well, frankly it just doesn't always work with some kids. I think you've gotten some great ideas and advice, but if you're finding you're still not getting anywhere with your girlie, you might just have one of these strong-willed ones that will just have to outgrow this trying stage...and the best thing you can do is what other moms have suggested... 1) NOT GIVE IN TO WHAT SHE WANTS (very, very, very important) and 2) show her that behavior isn't socially acceptable by calmly placing her in her room and saying she's welcome to come out when she can behave appropriately. It doesn't mean she'll necessarily resond differently next time, but at least while she works through this growth stage you'll be managing the tantrums and teaching her (albeit slowly) that tantrums aren't something you're going to put up with.

Hang in there!
K. :)

Ms. B. , I`m going to tell you what my mother told me.
Your the mother, and shouldn`t let the child run over you, It`s time for a SPANKIN... she would tell me (I`m doing this because I love you) and she ment it too.. I`m not saying to be mean to her but let her know that you`re not playing games with her.

At her age you need to let her know who`s boss
Don`t let your daughter run your life...

Take action.... Spank her rear end or her little hands,
which ever you can reach first.

Remember you need to set an example for your son.

I made up a little song that I sing when my 3 yr old first starts a tantrum. It goes:

I want it, I want it, I want it real bad
And you took it away, and that makes me real mad
So I'm gonna cry out, I'm gonna cry loud
'Cause I want it, I want it, I want it right NOW!!!!

You'll have to private message me and get my number for the tune because I made it up too. Anyway, it makes him laugh every time I start then he asks me to sing it over and over. I think it lets him know that I understand what he is saying and sympathize, but I'm not going to give in.

Try Happiest Toddler on the Block by Dr. Harvey Karp. It has a lot of insight about how toddlers think and feel. It has really helped me deal even with my 9 year old.

And you haven't spanked her why?
Because that is the next thing i would do. There is an excellent book out by Mike and Debi Pearle, called to Train Up a Child. That deals with defiant and disobedient behaviour in children. I haven't used all the advice and don't advocate some of their methods, but I do endorse their idealogy about disobedience and a defiant heart in children. And obviously what you are doing is not working.
I don't know if you can look up posts by me, but i have left several on this topic and my steps and levels of discipline that i have used with my own boys. 3 of them.
People underestimate the spare the rod, spoil the child rule, done with love and guidance.
good luck,
L.

Here's another little booklet with very biblical teaching on training your children. "Under Loving Command" by Al & Pat Fabrizio -- it's available online.

I began using a color chart with my daughter. Spankings and time out had no effect on her so I painted a piece of wood 5 different colors. The top color has her name in it and is her favorite color, I then continued on with the colors getting yuckier and yuckier (I also let her help choose the colors). Each color represented her favorite toys or even a whole toy catergory like baby dolls being taken away and if she got in trouble we moved colors and she had to face the consequence of that color plus any previous color she had been on. With each color the punishment was worse and worse. This has worked very well for me and my daughter so I thought I would share!!

You might want to get the book - making kids mind without loosing yours. It is a great help for us.

With our kids, we found the best way to respond to tantrums was with as little fanfare as possible. We tried to be very consistent in our responses and to talk about what type of behavior we expected BEFORE we were in a situation (i.e. store, library, etc) Then we would simply respond by removing our child by taking them to their room (or to the car if we were out)and "waiting out the storm" so to speak. You have to follow through EVERY time, even if it means the end to an outing. If tey know you mean it, it makes a huge difference in behavior. It was helpful for me to remember that a) this is a phase b)it's very normal and age appropriate and c) they really are "out of control" when in the middle of a tantrum, i.e. it is out of their control at that point. We talked to them after they had calmed down about using words, breathing deeply, ways to calm themselves down. We also really tried to watch for triggers - tiredness, hunger, boredom, too much stimulation, etc.
I don't advocate spanking but that is just my opinion. We feel it is important that our children learn to behave and learn how and why to behave - not to just behave well out of fear (what will they do when you aren't around?)
Hope this helps!

When I was a child I remember that a little boy my mom babysat had really bad tempertantrums when he didn't get his way. Well one day he dropped him off and told my mom that if he threw a tantrum to turn the cold water on in the shower and stick him under the water clothes in all. I have also heard of throwing a cup of cold water on them or spraying them with cold water. It shocks them and makes them stop throwing the tantram. I know it sounds bad but we only had to stick the little boy in the shower once and his dad only did it once before he stopped. This has worked with my 2 year old as well. I just used the water bottle and sprayed him in the face. I know this sounds mean but I believe the dad said he was told by the peditrician to try it.

You may have gotten this response already. I'm in a hurry so I didn't read every one. I wanted to suggest play therapy. We did this for my youngest daughter with amazing results. She was strong willed and very aware of everything going on around her. She didn't respond to any correction or logic at all. We tried everything. The problem was she didn't have the vocal skills yet to express why she was so upset all the time. We did therapy for 7 months and she has grown up more. Now she can connect her feelings with words. So she can tell rather that act out. She will say I'm so mad at you right now rather than yelling and kicking. Then we can work things out. We recommend Teri Mills-Manuel at Center for Biblical Counseling in Mckinney. She was wonderful. ###-###-#### There is hope :)

In case no one mentioned this:

Love and Logic is your answer. That program has helped me feel in control even when my children are not. My 3 year old is doing some of the same stuff, but I notice it is getting shorter and fewer if I stay with the program. Great stuff. Look online...they have books, dvd's, etc. AWESOME AWESOME...especially for teaching you how to take care of YOU in the process. Imagine that!!

Try the Love & Logic approach! Their website has lots of books, etc. Ignorning worked with my kids. If you've tried that, I'm at a loss. I'd remove the 16 month old when the older one throws a tantrum to minimize the effect.

my daughter is 4 almost 5 and i have done the samething. I recently went to a class given by a women named Adele Faber she wrote the book " How to talk so your kids will listen, and listen so your kids will tak." It has saved my life and sanity. Her sister is 20 months.
She said that one of the biggest things is acknowledging that the child has feelings and it is okay. Saying things like I can see that you are angry or that this makes you upset. The other thing she used was some of the children just need to work it out for themselves. She gave 4 words that also changed my life they were OH AH MMM and I See. What was interesting was when I didn't say anything but those she would tell me things, things that " I didn't like it when you, or it hurt my feelings when you. Then it goes into I understaned your feelings, however I would like it if or I expect you to. They say that when the child knows what you expect they can react better.

This may sound like hogwash but it has helped me so much I would advise you to look in to purchasing the book there are lots of things in it that I haven't tried yet.
There is one thing that I have to remember on a daily basis and it is, you strive for 70% and know that some days you are only going to get 10% and that is okay.

May not help at all but I have learned that threats and taking things away just isn't enough.