14 Months and Hitting !

At that age, he is starting into what people have called 'the terrible twos' ...the months surrounding the 2 year birthday. It happens to all kids, just on different schedules and in different manners: the developmental thing is that he's beginning to differentiate himself from you,understanding that he is a unique individual, and that other people are also people, not just aspects of his environment. That's a lot for a little guy to understand, and it mostly comes out as some form of rebellion or "NO!" behaviour. (Meaning, he'll say 'no' no matter what you ask him, just to prove that he isn't part of you... then be frantically hurt if you had offered him a cookie, and he said no, then he didn't get it ;D)

You have to be on the ball. Sorry, but that's how it is with a 'hitter'. You'd be mad if another Mom didn't stop her child from hitting yours, right? And understand, this is teaching him the very basics of compassion and caring for others. When he goes to hit, hold his hand so that he can't. "We don't hit in our house. We use words. I won't let you hurt someone else. How would you like it if someone hit you?" You must be firm, and mean it. If he tries a second time, then you say "No. I told you we don't hit here. You must be tired. You can stay in your room until you are ready to play without hitting." One chance, then withdrawal. No backing off.
Of course, he will throw a temper tantrum. too bad. "When you are ready to join us without hitting you may come out." -You have the strength and the size now to teach him this without him getting hurt, and it's always best for them to learn early on that the parents mean what they say and that consequences follow behaviour. You don't want to be dealing with a variation on this theme when he's a teen.

About me: I just turned 50, raised two active boys, the oldest is 23, married, owns a house and is established as an engineer(he finished both high school and college ahead of schedule). The youngest just started at University.

Oh gosh, I'm sorry for you and good luck, cause it's only going to get worse for a while. My son started being mean to me in various ways (nobody else, just me) at 12 months. He started biting me hard, smacking me right in the face, pinching me hard, head butting, and throwing things at my face. I tried everything, smacking his hand, firmly saying no, time out, crying and pretending I was hurt, biting or pinching him back. I never physically hurt him of course. I know all the books and doctors say to use time-out, but I couldn't make him sit until recently, he'd just beat me up more. He's a very sweet boy, he just gets really mad when you tell him no or take something away. This behavior is only for my benefit of course. He's perfect for everyone else. He's 19 months now, and it's only gotten better in the past month. I make him say sorry, kiss whatever he hurt, and give me a hug. He has to do this if he's mean to one of his friends too. If he won't do it then he sits in time out until he's ready. I honestly think it only works now because he can say sorry. Good luck, those stubborn personalities are hard on the moms. I think I would have lost my mind if he wasn't so good otherwise.

That can be such a tough age. I have a 2 year old and I can tell you the things that worked for us when she went through a hitting phase around that age. For my daughter, I think it was around 16 months that she would try to hit us or our dogs.

1. Be really consistent with how you respond. Some of the hitting and throwing might be from frustration over communication and some of it may be from testing you. If I hit mommy, she reacts XXX way. Will she still react XXX way if I hit Grandma?

2. Respond in a firm calm voice. A 14 month old really doesn't have empathy. Pretending to cry or giving a big reaction will probably seem a like a fun game. You don't want to give a big reaction (even negative attention is still attention, you know?), but you want him to recognize that you're serious.

3. When he hits, tell him (in that firm calm tone), "I don't like to be hit. Hitting hurts. I like hugs and kisses better." (I'm really big on short, to the point, explanations.) If you're holding him and he hits you, put him down and walk away for a minute after saying the above. Or, "Grandma doesn't like to be hit. Hitting hurts. She would like a hug or a kiss much better." Being explicit with what they CAN do is really important. It is so easy to get caught up in telling them NOT to do something, that we forget toddlers at that age don't know what they can do instead and need some direction. I think saying, "be nice" is a little too vague for them.

4. If you catch him right before you know he's going to hit, give him the benefit of the doubt. "Were you going to give me a high five? All right!" I found redirection really helpful at that age. Or, "Were you going to HAND Mommy that toy? Let me see what you brought me!"

5. If you think he's hitting out of anger or frustration versus just doing it to get a reaction, try redirecting him. "It's ok to mad, but we don't hit people. Hitting hurts. You can hit a pillow when you're mad." It's really hard and sometimes scary for toddlers to know what to do with big emotions.

6. For throwing, I would tell him, "We don't throw hard toys. If it hits someone, they can get hurt (get a booboo, whatever words you use). We can throw balls (or bean bags or whatever you have that's soft) instead." If he throws whatever it is again, take it away and put it up for a while.

7. Be consistent. I know I said that before. But I'm repeating it because the hitting and throwing won't stop over night. You'll probably have to repeat over and over again not to hit and throw. A 14 month old does not have impulse control and even if you KNOW that he KNOWS he shouldn't hit when he's excited or mad, remember that he can't help himself. Developmentally, he can't. But, if you're consistent in how you respond, it will sink in, I promise!

As an example, my daughter used to be REALLY bad about hitting our dogs. She knew she wasn't supposed to do it, but she liked testing me. She would hit Seven and wait for me to tell her that hitting hurts and the dogs like hugs better. Then 2 seconds later, she would turn around and hit Zero to see if I would say the same thing. Then she'd try again 5 minutes later (at which point I would lock the dogs in the kitchen so they would be safe from her). I also used redirection. "Are you going to give Seven a hug??? That's so nice! She sure likes when you hug her!" Eventually, I would watch her catch herself and hug the dog instead while looking at me. I'd reinforce her good behavior. "Look how nice you're being to Seven! She likes when you pet her." As she got more verbal, she'd tell me, "Pet doggy" while petting the dog. And now that she's really verbal, she'll tell me, "Zero like be pet! I be nice Zero!" So being consistent really does help. Hope this helps!

Hi D.,
My suggestion will not be one of the more popular ones but I too am the mom of a strong willed child. The terrible twos started for me at 13 months and have now (at 4 begun to settle down) My son was also a hitter. He hit me, my husband, the grand parents and we hated it. What I did was slap his hand back. At first it was a tap but when that didn't work I tapped it harder until it stung him a little and then he began to get it. Like I said, not a popular suggestion but it worked for me.
Good luck!

Wow D.,

I can truly say that you should probably try a different approach on what he is doing wrong by showing him that it is hurting people and it is not nice. Give him hugs and kisses and reitterate that this is the way mom and dad loves to play. Talk to him as though he is 5, encourage him to use his words and not his hands if he seems to be frustrated or just trying to explain something and just repeat yourself twice, if necessary.

Now if that does not work, then you need to try different approaches because all children are not the same.

Good luck!

When I had this problem with my son I remember: he hit my mother and she showed a sad face and maybe faked crying and he went back and smoothed the place that he had hit. My mother who had raised 6 children and many grandchildren said, " look, he's sorry". We were all proud of ourselves and my son. I hope you can share that moment too. In 3 year old nursery both my son and I learned from a brilliant teacher who taught the children to look at people's faces. She asked the one who hit, what do you see? Happy face? Sad face? Ideally we all prefer happy face. Children must experiment and we must be honest with them. They have to learn feelings as well as everything else. In 2 year old nursery a little girl told the teacher so and so is hitting and the teacher said," That's why he is here, to learn not to hit." Great idea, now everyone would teach him. When my son was about 3 he woke up at night and would hit me if I tried to comfort him. My pediatrician said, "Don't let him hit you." It didn't hurt really so I never really thought of actually stopping him other than to say no. So with his advice,I took my son's hand, showed a very displeased face and said no hitting. Then I left the room. It worked quickly as I recall. I had a friend who introduced me to the writings of Hyam Ginnott, child psychologist of the 70's and 80's. She quoted him as solving the problem you have by taking the child's hand gently and saying "people are not for hitting". You then can say drums or this ball or whatever is for hitting. It sounds so simple but we all fall into the baby trap...so much to learn so much to teach. Stay patient and model good behavior. It took a few years, but my son is now a fine and gentle adult and not a bad musician.

Here is the advice my doctor gave me for biting. Put the baby down and firmly say no and walk away for a bit. Show him that it is not socially acceptable to hit. It's probably just a phase. They do so much to see what kind of reaction they can get out of you. If it is walking away, he'll learn that hitting does not get a nice response. HTH.

J.