13 Yr Old Daughter

You can't. but always remember- even the popular girls are lonely. I had tons of friends- who were actually more like acquaintences, and I was lonely all the way through high school. If she says she's fine, and she's involved in stuff at school- then I would just leave it alone

I was a cheerleader, in drama, honors classes and other activities and I never really fit in either. So was my sister, she even was the cheer captain and homecoming queen and won class favorites every year, but we didn't have close friends at all. We didn't get invited out to parties, or the movies or to the mall. People cancelled sleepovers with us in favor of doing things with their 'best friends'/

It was very rough, depressing and very lonely. I would suggest, instead of focusing her to have more friends, help her value who she is deep inside and continue to encourage her in her activities. Many friends are no good anyways! However, I think your idea about her reaching out to other lonely girls is a great one.

Maybe she can volunteer at an animal shelter, or botannical garden or drama groups at local community theaters or a youth group to help her develop friends outside of school.

What are her likes and dislikes? What actiivities does she participate in at school and outside of school? At 13 and in the 8th grade I had great friends, at 14 I went to an all girls high school that just wasn't a good fit for me. I was fortunate enough to have other friends, in my neighborhood, at my church, and my cousin and his friends were my favorite friends. I loved not having to rely on one group of people to be my friends.

I still don't fit in but I'm ok with it. My life is rich and full. Do your really want your daughter to "fit" in for the sake of fitting in or what do you really want for her and what does she want for herself.

By the way, when I throw parties I still get that no one coming thing. I just decided not to throw parites. It's fine. Please stop trying so hard to get her to fit in and try helping her be comfortable in her own skin. Maybe your pointing out to her that she isn't connected is making her feel less than adequate.

i was that girl, i never really fit in. i am ok now but i am very independent. i remember it was lonely when i was young. but i just got it in my head that if they don't want me, i don't want them either. and eventually pushed everyone away. i don't know what to tell you. i am sorry. i know how she feels.

When I was 13,I didn't have that much friends and I was ok with it.Maybe what your daughter need is a time and maybe she is ok like she said.Have you ask her if that is very ok and is her confidence really slipping away?Some young girls are really stronger than you think and having frineds really not going to make that much of a different.Just forcing the issue might make it harder for her because in her head she thinks it's ok but when you constantly put that thought in her head.That she needed to have more friends or close friends will only make her feel more at odds with her self.Besides she is 13 and that is an awkward age.She might have more friends in the future or things will change, you never know .They tend to have their needs and wants or where they belong in all the wrong places.Just give her more time but be there when she needs you.I am sure that she will be ok cause some kids mature faster up in the mental form and seems like she is an old soul in a young body.She'll be ok.

I have to agree with the majority on here. I have a 19 yr old daughter and she was in cheerleading, show choir, honor choir, soccer and worked a job in high school and had just a couple of friends she made later in high school.... those friends ended up ditching her a week before graduation and watching her be so hurt was hard. She is now in college and her very social boy friend always trys to get her to go "make some girl friends" and she has tried but is reserved because of what happend in high school . (she would rather hang with the guys and says girls are mean)
My best advice is to make her secure in herself and not to focus so much
on having girl friends. Be there for her when she needs someone to talk to and keep her envolved in things she likes. Not everyone needs to have a tons of friends to be happy :)
good luck

You are right....girls that age are terribly MEAN. It's not their fault though. They are all just trying to survive the classroom "jungle" and have no clue how to do it.
Is your daughter shy? Is she being picked on? That could be part of the problem. I found some great books at B&N for myself and my kids on this subject. There are a few workbooks that she might like "Say Goodbye to Being Shy" and "Let's Be Friends" My kids are a little younger so if those books are too "young" for her I'm sure there are many more age-appropriate for her.

There are also some great books you should pick up for yourself....they really helped my understand the dynamics of todays classrooms and social politics of girl-world. "Queen Bees & Wannabes" and "Odd Girl Out". These books made it much eaiser for me to talk to my kids about these topics.

Good Luck. And remember Mother does know best, so go with your feelings.

Mothers of daughters everywhere should read, "Girls on the Edge" by Dr. Leonard Sax. There are chapters in there that address bullying in the 21st century, which is much different from how we experienced it.

Bullying is sneaky, especially with girls. But just as mean!

The advice you may give her (from "old" mamas like us) does not apply today, because situations really are different!

I checked his book out from the library. An overview is on http://www.leonardsax.com/girls.html

Dr. Sax is a medical pediatrician AND a licensed psychologist, specializing in child development and brain research. This is a rare combination of skills. Yet he writes in a style that we can easily understand!

My heart goes out to you because, as a mom of a ten-year-old daughter who has sensory issues and finds it very hard to make friends, I can SO relate. My daughter has been in dance for seven years but feels like an outsider because most of the girls go to school together (she dances in Monona but goes to school in Oregon). However, she loves dance so much that she's decided not to let it bother her. She also just switched over from ballet to jazz and has discovered that she loves dance even more now.

This year she started band (5th grade--tenor sax) and, while it has been shaky, I do believe she likes it. I signed her up for two special 6-8 wk courses that they do in school (probably now in fall/winter), stamping and yoga, which they'll do during the lunch hour. She loves horses and goes to visit and ride at a friend's place who raises/supplies the horses that my husband uses for his Civil War Reenactment hobby. She is an only child and we live in a country subdivision with not a lot of kids her age, and our families are distant, so... well, you do what you can do.

During summer break I keep her busy with a week of Vacation Bible School and then four weeks of summer school classes through her school district. In August, when she had nothing planned, she worked on stamping and counted-cross stitch projects, which she'd learned to do in summer school. We also took a few one-day trips around the state.

One of the problems I've consistently run into is the fact that it is so hard--sometimes almost impossible--to get playdates set up for her. Everyone is so busy with all of their own activities--and then their parents are busy with activities or work--that even just trying to get her together with the few friends she does have is nigh on impossible.

She's very close to me and her dad, and right now, we're trying to help her develop a more positive attitude (she can be quite negative and down on herself). She tends to feel insecure if a friend of hers makes a new friend, because then she feels their "friendship" level is threatened. However, she just told me that she's getting to know the new friend her best friend has made, so things are looking a little more positive.

When she was younger I cultivated friendships with other moms/kids close to her age around town/in other school districts, so that she'd have friends outside of her school friends. That worked for a while, but now they have all gone on to make other friends in their school districts and the friendships have sort of faded away. Technically, they didn't have enough interests in common to hold the friendships together.

As she gets older, I keep trying to find things that I think she'd like to do with me. But it is hard, because I can't make friends for her. I didn't have a lot of friends when I was in school either--most of my friends were older or younger than me. I didn't have many friends in my own age group. But I also lived in town, which I think makes it easier to make friends than living in the country.

The best advice I can give you is: Be there for her. Let her know that you love her, that she is a very special and unique person. That school only lasts until she's 18, and then she has the rest of her life to find out her passions and to do what she wants to do and make the kinds of friends she wants to make (as in, she's not limited to who is in her class/school).

If you can find anything you can get her involved with that is a community project--even if you do it with her--that would have such an impact on her. My daughter has asked me if we can find some community thing we can do together, so we're looking into that idea (just so hard to do, what with school and homework and dance lessons and sax practice and...there's only so much time in the week).

Do everything you can to cultivate her interests. But also keep in mind who your daughter is, whether she is an introvert or an extrovert. You don't want to push her more than she's ready for.

I still remember the girl in my class who was the quiet, shy, wallflower type. Then we got to see her Senior Class picture--and it was like she was a totally different person. And she was. Who she was in school was NOT the person she really was. She kept to herself and skated by--I can't for the life of me even tell you if she had any friends at all--but it was very obvious that she had a very rich and full-filling life--probably even had friends--outside of school. I've heard she's gone on to have a very successful career and doesn't lack for friends.

I always remember what someone told me: a person really only has a few very close friends. What a person has more of are acquaintances.

If you'd like to chat more, contact me. Maybe we can get together and see if our daughters click/have interests in common. I can always use new friends as well. ;)

I know this sounds counter-intuitive but I wonder if it's best to not focus on it. Just show your daughter that you love her and make her fit in at home. As I write this I think that was a time where I didn't fit in much either. This is such an odd stage and a time where many kids start to move into other groups as they're growing up. I would really not worry about it and trust that as she grows into a woman that she'll find her place. I agree that 13 is awful!

Could you try hosting the parties?? Maybe have a halloween party, end of soccer party etc?? It would be a great reason to have people over at her house on her turf where she might be more comfortable.

Also, get her into some counseling as she may have issues that she doesnt want to talk to you about. Having a low self esteem as a teenager is a dangerours thing. Perhaps the counselor could teach her some assertion techniques that may help her become more engaged with kids at school.

You can help by trusting her.
She says she is okay. Believe her.
Give her opportunities to include a friend or two for smaller activities, if you have such a desitre to make her circle big enough for you.

Take your daughter and a friend or two out for ice-cream.
Offer to take a team mate to the game/pracice.

Find out what your daughter thinks of you with her friends.
If her friends respect how you are with your daughter, they will respect your daughter and want to be with her.
Remember..everyone is not a social butterfly.

i am 24 and i still do not have any close friends. i have had close friends in the past but have always been betrayed by them. girls are not just mean to each other at 13-they're still mean at my age. even my friends who are also moms. i would much rather hang out with my husband and his friends. i agree with others about trying not to focus on the subject. maybe sit her down and ask her some questions about how she really feels. it is extremely lonley not being able to call someone when you just want to talk or have a problem. i would also suggest you be there for her as much as possible. if she does have a problem, let her know you are there for her and will not judge her. i unfortunetly do not have a close relationship with my mom. everytime she calls i have this little hope inside of me that she just wants to talk or maybe even get together but it's always because she needs something. having no friends can send someone into a deep depression. maybe try bringing her to counceling so she has someone she can disclose EVERYTHING to without being judged or getting in trouble. and maybe she can even find out why she doesn't have any close friends.

Build her confidence and interests at home and don't make a big deal out of new friends if it's not working. It will come as she gains confidence or tries new activities. You can help her by remaining positive and supporting her but not making a big deal out of it. You could also try asking her teacher or school counselor for ideas.