How Do I Help My Step-Daughter Become More Sociable?

The more you bring to her attention how shy she is, the more shy she will become. I was a shy child and everytime my mother said something I would think, I was right, everyone is looking at me, and feel even worse. It was horrible. I would just involve her in activities that build her confidence, whatever she's interested in, dance, gymnastics, karate would probably be great. The more confident she is, the less shy she will feel. I'm not shy at all as an adult, she'll be okay. Good luck, C.

Hi T.,

There could be many reasons why your daughter is having trouble making friends. But rather than focus on the why let's find an activity that interests her then find an age appropriate weekly meeting or practice where she can meet people with the same interests (ie photography, cheer and/or dance, sports leagues, musical instrument, theatre, etc.)

Competition cheer and dance brought my daughter out of her shell many years ago. These teams are much like sororities in that they teach those involved discipline, self worth, personal responsibility, teamwork and humbling humiliation. But more importantly, your child can build life-long friendships with these organizations.

Cheer and dance is a huge commitment that involves both the child and the parent. But believe me it is well worth it. During my years as a cheer mom we have traveled all over the country attending many regional, state and national competitions. Win or loose, my daughters would never trade the friendships of the experiences during this period in their lives. Now adults, my girls continue to teach young women the art of cheer and dance and I couldn't be prouder.

Below I've listed some websites you might find helpful. Please take a look at them with your daughter and husband and hopefully she'll find an activity she likes and have oodles of friends.

http://www.cmtsj.org/

http://www.wgct.org/

http://www.cheergyms.com/

http://www.nceallstars.com/

http://wsjstorm.com/

Good Luck!!!

CM

Hi,
Thats tough as your influence is on limited to the days you have her. stats show that the number one role model for young girls is their "mother" as a step - you can only do the best you can (I can relate to that)

I would recommend Dove.com they have a self-esteem workshops. I am trying to become a facilitator for these workshops and host this for my daughter - I have a 10 year old and I notice that self-esteem issues are very high. There are some great videos and projects that you can do with her. I also talk to her regarding inner-strength and peer pressure etc.

Dr. Phil has been a wealth of resources and "love and logic" is the best for parental issues.

I hope this helps you and if you need more info let me know.

Playing teatherball is great, as you can play with a partner or alone when no one else can play (and you can get really good at it!). Maybe she gets concentrating on playing and does not talk much while playing. Encourage her to talk to people while waiting to play or inviting people to play. Does she feel lonely? She might be comfortable with this rather than have to try to work her way into cliquey groups of girls. Her choice might be a healthy one. Try to keep arranging playdates and invite other girls to join you to go to the park, the movies, out for ice cream, etc. If that still is not helping and your daughter is feeling like she needs more skills, her teacher or school counselor can help you. Sometimes, when kids decide they are comforable with being alone, they choose activities such as reading or playing alone. This is not bad at all, it's just different from how we might be. These kids grow up to be happy and don't rely on others to make themselves happy. They don't feel the pressure to conform to the groups. They can be self-confident too. We have to respect their choices and support them if this is their choice. I wish you the best.

I picture your beautiful daughter eating lunch alone and it breaks my heart! I too was very shy and didn't really have many friends at school - it's tough. One thing my mom did was enroll me in dance class. Even though none of the other girls went to my school, it gave me an opportunity to make some friends with the gals in the class. Also, Sunday School is a good way for her to make friends. It's a much smaller setting than school so it's easier. Good luck!

Is your daughter only shy at your house, or at mom's too? If only at your house, then maybe she just needs more time with her dad and not worry about other social activities on your weekends. On the other hand, if you live in a neighborhood with other girls that are close in age, try to plan an activity they can all be involved in. Neighborhood scavenger hunt, or getting a group together to go caroling (adults too). Have a baking party then spread some holiday cheer in your neighborhood. You can get lots of ideas on neighborhood gatherings at www.familyfun.com. The magazine is a disney publication and the website and magazine always have craft projects, baking projects and even outdoor games to play with a group.

Hi T. -

You don't say how old your step-daughter is, or whether the divorce was difficult for her -- both of which might be important factors. Some kids are just extremely shy, and have a very difficult time developing and maintaining friendships. I would strongly suggest looking into having her assessed by a qualified psychologist -- there's a chance that she might have an underlying issue such as anxiety or, believe it or not, depression. Depending on where you live, I'd recommend that you go to the nearest children's hospital and ask to see a pediatric psychologist.

Beyond that, I would also recommend purchasing Good Friends Are Hard to Find -- you can get it on Amazon, and it describes all of the ins and out of friendship -- it's an amazing book, and I highly recommend it.

Best of luck!

J.

I can't respond without knowing her age.

I am not sure what to tell you as I was the same way when I was younger. I only opened up and had a couple of close friends all through school.

The thing that changed my life was I'd had a crush on one of the "popular" boys all through high school. After I graduated and was getting ready to go off to college, I found out that he was interested in me too, but thought I was a "good girl" and was afraid to ask me out! I realized that my shyness held me back from a lot of fun experiences and I vowed to "change" who I was when I went away to college. I have been much more outgoing and adventurous since making that realization! Please share my story with her...feel free to change boy to whatever it is she is wishing for...being friends with the popular girls or whatever. The sooner she grows out of this, the better off she will be.

Good luck!

Does she have this problem all the time, or is it only on the weekends when she is with you? I'm reading that you have her only every other weekend. Is it possible that she feels this short time should be spent with her father, not with other kids?
As someone else mentioned, it is more difficult to have an answer without knowing the age of the girl, but my gut feeling is that you may be trying too hard and worrying too much about this. You may just need to enjoy your time with her, and try to find out what sort of activities she'd like to do with you, her father and the family.

Hi T.. Hang in there. I just saw a speaker Dr. Robert Brooks who spoke about raising confident and resilient kids. One of the first things he said was understand her personality(meyers briggs tests might help or books like Nurture by Nature), keeping in mind that if she could be more outgoing she would be. And then start scheduling playdates, cookie decorating dates with a couple of girls that seem like her or even sleep overs on your weekends. Help her build relationships with activities they can do together. American Girl has series on making friends, building friendships. Just remember that she knows her weaknesses and probably wishes it was different so try not to make it into a bigger deal. An example given was you wouldn't push your husband in front of new people and make excuses for his shyness and in turn, we shouldn't do that to our kids too. Although, I laughed at this example, because I did that to my husband recently. The best thing you could do is keep supporting her and try to find another shy child she can pal around with. Good luck. She's lucky to have someone like you that cares.

First I have to ask-- is your step-daughter troubled by her lack of sociability or is it more a worry of yours? Cause if she's content, I don't think you need to worry. If you have reason to think she'd like to be more sociable (she talks about kids who have more friends, do more things, are more outgoing enviously) then you might suggest she take baby steps in that direction, such as introducing herself to one shy-seeming person at the park, speaking to one adult she doesn't know well at your home, etc. Once she gains a bit of confidence there, she can move on to bigger goals, such as speaking before a small group, etc.
Best of luck!

I don't know how old she is, but the idea of Girl Scouts seems good. She could definitely use a group activity, but perhaps something that's not performance or competitive based. Martial arts, volunteering, something along those lines. use the interests she already has, then start seeking something that would broaden from that.