My Daughter Is Odd-man-out of a Threesome

J., my daughter had the same thing happen to her, it is heart breaking for both you and her. Try to find afterschool activities that are different so she will meet new friends and look forward to them, such as dance class, art class , sports, they will give her confidence when she is at school with the bully. As far as the bully, her mom will never admit her little princess is doing anything wrong you are correct in telling her to find new friends. Tell her to find one girl that is in her class or maybe another to go up and just simply say hi. It helped my daughter and she is happier now.

Tell her that not everyone are friends forever and nobody said she couldnt make new friends. Use this as a learning experiance and ask her to find a new friend she would like to come over for a special play time. Have a new movie to watch, special art project or tea party...whatever she is into.... Let her know that she can have new friends too..ones that treat her like a friend...kind and caring. Teach her that she doesnt need to be around people who dont know the really meaning of being a friend and treat her badly.

I feel for the both of you, I really do. My daughter also is in the third grade and has similar issues. I wish I had some good advice but I have struggled as to what to do and how involved I should get as well. We moved here from out of state 5 mo. ago and she had a hard time "fitting in" as the kids have seemed to already be in a circle of friends and did not want to include another person. My dauhter is very easy going and sweet so it would break my heart when she would come upset and tell me she had to play or eat alone at school because no one would let her play. I found that just being available to listen and offer support were the best ways to help her. I told her to try and look for one friend that she could play with rather than a group.
Is there another girl in the Girl Scout Troop that you could set up a play date with? How about other activities outside of school and girl scouts?
Good luck.

Hi J.,

First, she needs to know that she is a wonderful friend and she has proven it. It is her that needs to be outspoken to the bully. She has to stand up to her and be prepared to walk away. She needs to explain that she should select her friends based on their behavior not hers. This is an important lesson for later in life. Many of us adults have had to end friendships because of their behavior. She might be lonely but you will need to provide the extra special "things".
Also, maybe you could engage her in activities that will allow her to meet other children around the neighborhood. Praise her a lot.

Mother of four beautiful children all of which have gone through this situation.

I have three kids myself and my daughter is about to start 3rd grade but has been going through this as well. SO...finally the SOLUTION that WORKED...
I regularly (about once per month) invite all the girls to MY house for a playdate and do guided activities that ensures that they will all play as a group, team work, and always engage them in conversation while we are interacting. I slyly talk about how good they are doing and how they should always be inclusive and ask "how do you play at school" in which my daughter would say "sometimes I feel left out" and the other girls always have a reasonable answer and they all end up talking about it, bringing up old hurts from the playground and hash it out and make up. They all play and have a wonderful time. THE THING I NOTICE is that when they are left to "free play", they somehow end up pairing off and one gets left out. SO I always try to get them together as a group ona continual basis and it always works and reminds them how much fun they can all three have together. I don't think any child is just PLAIN MEAN or does it on purpose, it's all natural flows that happen in any threesome. But, all children are learning how to be social and get along in groups, but DO NEED PARENTAL GUIDANCE so that they can learn what is appropriate. I would definitely try to be involved with the other three moms and make sure that each of us does equal playdates. I dont' think all three have to be together ALL THE TIME, it's nice to pair off, but try to make it equal between you three and maybe find a nice pattern routine so that they girls can feel they are getting nice rotations of playdates that seem fair. The last time I did this was one month ago and I put up our big tent in the backyard and invited her friends for a backyard slumber party. They had a blast!

As you can see this is a hot button issue. I don't believe what some people have written, that kids aren't just mean. Some are. Whether it's the home environment or parental examples they are emulating, some kids are just mean spirited and manipulative. They seem to thrive on the misery they can cause in other children. You should cut off your daughter's friendship with the mean girl before it completely deteriorates your daughters self esteem. No one should keep putting themselves in a position to be potentially abused. And if the other girl was a true friend she would include her and stand up for her, but she's doesn't.

My third grader also has friend issues. I have told her if a friend is cruel, they aren't really a friend. It hurts, but it hurts worse as they try and try to win approval from the wrong people. My daughter also feels there are no other options at school. I told her that she goes to school to learn and at the end of the day she comes home to me and home is the place where she is loved, truly loved. Unlike her friends I always will love her and be there for her. I focus on building my relationship with my daughters when things get socially difficult for them. They need our love and approval far more than that of the finicky grade schoolers. I also remind my daughter that she just hasn't found that special friend yet. It could be someone in her class or her grade or a girl she hasn't yet met, it could be a few years until she finds that friend. My daughter has chosen activities like hand ball, tether ball and jump rope to play at recess. These don't require "best buddies" to play and normally have some supervision or enough kids rotating through to play that there aren't clicks to hog everything.

I and some of the other mother's I know will not have three girls over to play. I'd have four or five before three. It just doesn't work. You might consider enrolling your daughter in something that interests her after school if you can. Something that she will enjoy and become good at. It will build confidence.

Our society seems to put a lot of pressure on kids to make friends early and be involved with activities (and people)outside the home at a young age. What they need is to be involved with life at home and finding love, acceptance and importance there. From there it will spread to other areas of their life. Children learn their important social skills at home. I don't know if any of this makes sense or helps, but I hope so. Most of us mothers with daughters will find ourselves in your shoes if they havent already. Most women will remember incidence in their own childhood similar to your daughters. I wish you and your daughter the best and hope you find some resolution for her.

Hi J.,

This is such classic girl behavior that the principal at my daughter's first elementary school would do a talk to the 4th and 5th grades every year about gossip, exclusion, etc. My daughter has been through this too and found the American Girl's book about friendship very helpful.

Last summer, she and her best friend did not do well at the camp they attended together and I thought the friendship might be winding down. But the girls mom and I talked to each of our girls and this year, they are back to being very close. They worked through the feelings and moved on. My daughter forgave her friend for the neglect, saw her role as a victim as part of her problem, and they both grew from the experience.

It's painful to see our girls go through this, but sometimes I've realized, the real issue is working through the friendship issues rather than getting too alarmed, or siding with my daughter in her role as a victim.

That's my experience, in case that is helpful to your family. My best to you and your family.

D.

It made me so sad to read your post! Your poor daughter. My first year out of college, I taught 4th grade, and I noticed that the girls would fight with each other on an almost daily basis. Then the next day they'd be the best of friends again. It just went on and on like that all year! There is very little that the teacher, the other parents, or any other adult can do about it. You can't make them be friends and always be nice. Some part of your daughter's experience may be that normal cattiness that all grade school girls seem to have toward each other. But if you truly feel like the experience is detrimental to her, maybe you would want to consider switching to a new school next year, where she could start fresh?

My other thought is, maybe there are other after-school activities your daughter could join in besides girl scouts where she could make other friends. I don't know if she's interested in soccer, softball, or ballet, but maybe something like that would be fun. My daughter (who is just getting into the "I'm not your friend" nastiness with her friends in Kindergarten) really seems to love her ballet class and has had play dates with a few of the girls in her class. At least having some kind of activity not centering around these two friends would give your daughter a chance to make friends with someone who will be nice to her!

Hi J.,
My daughter still struggles with the nasty girl games and she's in the 6th grade. You've gotten lots of good advice. the message that you daughter needs to hear from you is that this is not the end of the world. Neither you nor she can control the mean girls, but your daughter can walk away from the mean girls and either find other friends or entertain herself. My girl also had the fatalistic "there are no other girls" response, but there are other girls in the class struggling with the same issues and finding themselves on the outside of these awful triangulations. Playdates are great, but I like to keep them to 1:1 to avoid the odd-girl-out syndrome. Someone else hinted at this, but please be careful to get overinvolved. I know that it breaks your heart to see your daughter struggling with the mean, mean girls, but I'm afraid that crying with her gives them a LOT more power than they deserve.

My heart goes out to you and your daughter. My 2nd grader went thru a similar thing earlier in the year. My daughter has always been a kind, social child but every day when she came home and I would ask who she played with she would relpy "no one, I just watched." I brought it to her teachers' attention (she has 2, they team teach) and they explained that it's at this age that the kids tend to find those that are more similar to themselves. The kids that she was used to playing with in Kindergarten and First grade became aggressive and mean. So she chose not to play with them, good call, I say.

The teachers picked out students in the classroom that they noticed she worked well with and then reported back to me. I suggested to my daughter that she should ask if they would like to play, eat lunch together, etc. I then even got to talking to other parents/neighbors and now she has a whole new set of wonderful, nice friends.

I would tell your daughter that if they are mean to her, does she really want to be their friend and be mean like them? Help her to find new ones and use her teacher/s as a resource. They spend so much time with our kids, they know them and the others around them.

It's hard as a parent, we want our children to be loved by all. But sometimes, we have to be glad that they end up NOT with the meanies. ;)

Good luck!

Hi J.,
I just want to give your little girl a big hug, it is so hard to be in that place where you don't know who you are yet. She is trying to identify herself with this group but they are feeling some power in their ability to exclude her. You've got to be very honest with her about how some kids are not learning the best way to treat others. It is important that she stays a "kind person" and does not do this herself. You can tell her you are proud of her for being a sweet, kind girl who would never treat anyone the way they are treating her. I like Lissa's suggestion about martial arts--there is really a strong mental benefit to gain from the self-discipline they learn, and this will help her to feel stronger. When she feels good she will attract others to her who are equally good. Best of luck!

Hi J.:

So sad to hear about your daughter. I know exactly how she feels. This was me about 50 years ago. I too was left out as "odd-man-out." However, I did have a very good friend who like me, was very shy. I don't know that I have any great advice, except just be as supportive of your daughter as you can, which sounds like you already have been. Tell her that she is very special and they just don't know what they are missing by not being her friend. My mother never noticed any problems I was having at school -- of course back in the "old days" parents did not get involved with their children like they do today. Somehow we all survived. You seem to be a very caring mother and worry about your children. This may just be a phase, which will pass. Hopefully your daughter will find a new friend who treats her right. Sounds like she is not losing much in old friend, whom you claim is a "snot." It is sad to think that she really values this girl as a friend. Like I said before, just be there for her and keep on reinforcing positive support -- that she is a very special girl.

Hope this helps you.

Hi!
I had it like that too in periods when I went to school, wasn't too much fun. Girls in that age can be so cruel. But later on I had a lot of friends, when I was 14 and up and I came out ok :-) so don't worry, it is part of life. And it makes you strong and independent. As a parent you can't really change the situation in school apart from telling your daughter to get some new friends. This is how life is sometimes. Other things you can do:
1. Change school (if you think it is truly horrible)
2. Get your girl to do after school programs and activities with other kids, so that she gets self confidence by being with other boys and girls.
3. If the bullying gets out of control: Talk to the teacher and the school of course.

Hang in there!
A.

I really feel you need to be the adult here- for god sakes! These are little girls! Teach your daughter to walk away if people treat her like that- set an example for your daughter. You are getting too caught up in your own feelings of being left out. Teach your daughter to be a leader- and to walk away until she finds someone better/nicer. If she can't then I'm sure there are alot of things she's great at- so you don't feed into her feeling bad about herself from these little girls!!!

Hello,

My suggestion would be to pull her from the Girl Scout group she is in and try another group. Maybe she could make friends with nicer girls. Anybody boy or girl who is bullying or is mean and cruel to other kids is NOT a real friends anyways. No friend in the 3rd grade is worth coming home from school and crying over. Try putting her into some outside curricular activities... Dancing or gymnastics, or something where she would make better friends.

Good luck,T

Oh J. we have been going through the same exact thing! I can not believe how often this happens. You probably don't want to hear my long story, so I'll just give it to you in a nut shell. We have eliminated any free time with the evil child. We have given my daughter a journal to write in at school during recess and told her to play with another group of kids every day. After school we always have something to do. Even if it's just painting or talking or us going out to play. We try not to let them be alone, ever! The mom and grandmother are so oblivious to this little girl's awful personality and behaviour, it is always over looked when she does something horrible. My advice is make your daughter feel like being alone is ok. Just because someone is alone they do not have to be lonely. I know it's so hard at this age, but believe me. It's working for our baby girl. On the days that it's not working, we just hold on to eachother as tight as we can. Good luck and give your baby a big old bear hug. A. B, mom of 7 year old and 3 year old daughers.

a few ideas that might help is to invite the nice girl over for sleep overs with out the other and fun days like chuck e cheese....also maybe there are play groups in your neighborhood where your daughter might be able to find new friends that live close by and do activities after school with....might not be easy at school at first but when the mean girl starts teasing your daughter her come back can be she has friends elsewhere and can even brag about some cool stuff she is doing with out the other two....I know maybe not the best way but making the other girls jealous might just work and for them to see she is having fun with out them...they will either change how they treat her or your daughter will finally realize she doesnt need them....just some food for thought

J.

I'm not sure what kind of advice to give. I just want to compliment how you are handling this. You sound like a very caring and loving mother. Your story broke my heart because I remember moments like this in life. When you are in the moment it is AWFUL. Once you get pass it you will have a good laugh. My mom used to tell me that and when I got to the "passed" it part we would have a good laugh together. Maybe you could allow her to have a sleep over at your house with another girl. She will get pass this ugly time eventually, until then just continue to hear her out and give hugs :)

My daughter, Meghan, a 5th grader, has had a similar friendship triangle where she was actually pitted against one of the three (who happens to be her cousin). It's a plain fact that kids can be cruel and it's up to us to teach them how to be generous in spirit and nature so I sat down and had a talk with Meghan about how friendship triangles work and that there seems to always be one friend who wants to be the "best friend" and to be wary of these type of girls. I related my own experiences growing up and let her know that it hurt my feelings but as I grew older, I started to realize that I had to be careful of my friendship choices because it was not quantity but quality that counts. Also, it's okay to cry for your child and I don't see the harm in letting your child see your tears. It's ludicrous to say otherwise when all it is is a testament to our humanity and ability to feel empathy and sympathy for our children. Just don't let it consume you because then you could be sending the wrong message. Tell her that your heart hurts for her, you've had your cry to get out your feelings (because what woman can say that tears every now and then aren't cathartic?), and then follow it up with a plan to work through this. My suggestion would be to have a girls' movie night and invite all the girls from her class regardless of whether she is friends with them or not. Keep it upbeat, fun, and full of laughter and it will prompt other girls to look at her differently. Also, have the mothers come too, it will give you the opportunity to have discourse and perhaps you may find others in a similar position. This is such a hard age and I hope that my little suggestion, for what it's worth, is helpful.

My daughter was in the same predicament at her school. I started making playdates with other girls that she knew but hadn't cultivated friendships with yet. She had other people to play with at recess and was happier. She grew tired of being bullied by this girl's friend and was glad to find new friends. The bullying wasn't going to stop because this girl had such low self esteem and was very possessive. So it all worked out in the end. Good luck!

Have you thought of enrolling your daughter to an activity she might like? Like dance class or ice skating- something she can do and enjoy on her own? This will help build independence and self confidence at young age that she won't need to depend on certain clicks or groups to be her friends. If she likes what she does, people or friends will flock to her. Because she is good at what she enjoys, other girls will want to be her friend because she is good or can do something special . She might even make new friends outside her group or school.

This is a really hard one to deal with. We all want to be liked and even more, we want our children to be liked. What I tell my daughter is we'll all hurt our friends' feelings at some time. The mark of a true friend is if they care about your feelings, apologize (if appropriate) for hurting your feelings, and don't do it again. Someone who is mean to another person is not a friend. I've been working with my daughter, too, on expanding her circle of friends.

Good luck.

Hi J., as difficult as this situation is, the BEST thing for your daughter is to NOT be a "follower". These girls THINK they're being independent and leaders, but they have to do it together "to be sure"....very normal throughout life.

Your daughter needs to be independently proud of herself for who and what she is. Maybe she's a great dancer, so get her in a Jazz class. Maybe she needs Gymnastics, piano, vocal lessons.....ANYTHING to make her proud of her own talents, instead of sad because other girls favor someone else for absolutely no reason.

This is crucial before it can get worse.

Once she's in her own "niche" friends will follow because she will live with confidence in herself.

Good Luck!

:o) N.

This is so heart breaking. My daughter too has had friendship issues. I would start with talking to the teacher. Ask her to keep an eye on the "mean girl". Don't worry, she already knows she is mean. And ask her what other girl she thinks would be a good friend for your daughter and try to do some playdates.

Hi J.,
I know how you feel as a mom. I have an "odd man out daughter too". I also tried doing the same things, talking to other parents etc. Didn't help us either. I started doing more "special" mommy daughter things. Walks, nail painting, movie night with our jammies and popcorn of course. Sounds like your daughter can't be bossed around and the other girl doesn't like it because she can do that to the other friend.
I told my daughter to try another stategy. Play by yourself at recess be happy about it and she would find that these girls would want to play with her because it didn't bother her that they weren't. She discovered that not only did these 2 girls want to play with her but other kids did too now because she was approachable without the bossy girl around.
Hope this helps. Perhaps our daughters could play together sometime?
K. (____@____.com)

I am so sorry that this is happening to your daughter. Are there any activities offered at her school during recess or lunch time, that perhaps she can do by herself? My experience with these sort of things is that they work themselves out eventually. I have 2 seventh grade daughters and a third grader as well. They have had similar issues with girls at that age. Maybe she can play tether ball or kick ball instead. I hope this helps :)

J.,
I feel for your situation. I had the same situation with my son this year. My best advice would be to start having playdates with other girls in her class, just one on one. Even if she says all the other girls have friends already I am sure they would say "yes" to a playdate! Hope she finds her niche soon.
G.

Odd man out is a life-long problem. Second of all, you do not want your daughter to be friends with a snot AND she does not need to see you cry about this. You can be sympathetic and/or empathetic without the tears. It only upsets her more, trust me.

So, how about your daughter starting a new group of friends? Don't take her word that there are no girls to have as friends. Invite this new group over and have a great sleepover/craft project/whatever. Ask the teacher for recommendations and be patient with the process.

It sounds like you need to assist your daughter in expanding her circle of friends at school or maybe even through another social medium. You could have her invite four or five girls from school to an afternoon skate session or some sort of activity where she would be able to get to know some girls outside of the odd man out relationship and see if she connects with anyone. Or if that's not an option then how about starting her in a sport that has girls from around the area that she can socialize with not just from her school. This could be swimming, dance, softball, basketball -- if not sports then music or something of interest to her that has girls her age participating as well.

It sounds like she just keeps trying with the same two and hasn't really made an effort with anyone else. Its time for her to make a decision - keep with these two and keep getting her feelings hurt or start trying some new things and people and forget about the two.

I know its hard but for her overall self esteem you may have to give her a hard push to start mingling with others and provide her the lesson that when people continually treat her bad she shouldn't want to stick around.

Hi J.,

little girls can be horrible!!! sorry about your little girl having so much trouble. the only thing I could thing of doing is finding a new friend but, you already talked to her about that. the best thing for her to do is ignore the little meanie. might turn out if the little meanie is being ignored she might stop. sounds like she is being rotten for attention.

hope everything works out.

Hi, J..
I've been through this and still am. My daughter is now in 4th grade but it's been going on for a couple years. She's been the odd man out of the girl three-some. I don't have alot of advice but here is some:

- I found that if all three girls were together they didn't always include my daughter. We now invite one of the girls, at a time, to sleep over or play. And then next time we invite the other girl over. When there are just two of them they play great but breaking up the three some helps my daughter build relationship with each girl seperatly.
- Some times I do have all three girls over and I do discreetly watch their play. I sometimes intervine but without them knowing I have.
- Yes, talk to the teacher or councilor. They can help at school.
- Talk to the Girl Scout leader (I am a Junior Leader) about what is going on since they are all in the same troop. In our troop we break up "clicks" by pairing or grouping the girls in what they think is done randomly. We have 3 "groups" that like to stay together so they are allowed to in some activities and then we split ALL of them up for other activities. We've even discussed "feelings" in our troop meetings and they have this in Brownies too. There is a great program "Zebra with spots" that might work well for the troop. If I can help with any of this, let me know. ____@____.com
- Lastly, your daughter's self confidence does need to be built up. It took us awhile but I think we finally got through to our daughter that the world is a better place, the more friends you have. We encourage her to meet new people. She can still have her "close" friends but she can have sooo many more.

Good luck.....it's such a hard thing to see your daughter sad but she will get through it, just as you will too.

M. - Married, age 42, one daughter.

I have the same situation with my 1st grader. I encouraged her to make new friends and she finally did and this helped the most. I taught her how to recognize a TRUE friend and give them your time, not the ones who bully or are mean or let you play one day and not the next.
I have cried with her, visited school and watched recess etc... I have been very upset and concerned. The other thing we have tried is getting into the circle of friends by being into the same things or inviting the "mean" girls to do things. It is harder for them to be mean when they are closer to her by spending time one on one.
I am sad for you and know how stressful this can be. We even thought about changing schools for a while. I had no idea that 1st graders could be so cruel. They look so sweet and cute at that age.
Kate

I'm so sorry that your daughter has to go through this. Having read the responses, I agree with everyone who suggested diversification would help. Get her connected if possible with kids outside of school, from outside activities such as classes or other activities. I like the idea of talking to the teacher and seeing if she can suggest other girls your daughter might enjoy hanging out with, then try to set up playdates with them. Another suggestion would be to find a different Girl Scout troop for her. My daughter just began scouting this year in kinder. It was very difficult starting up a troop; in fact we had to go outside the school to find enuf people. But, so far it's been rewarding and it gives my daughter social contacts with girls outside her school. You might even consider starting a new troop with other interested girls, maybe even from other schools (if you've got the time, of course). Good luck with this phase; remember, it too shall pass.

I am going through a similar situation with my son who is in second grade. Here are some things that have helped:

- Talk to your daughter's teacher to see if she/he can suggest other kids in the classroom who would be a good fit for some play dates. This will also let the teacher know your child is going through a challenging time. Plus, if there is bullying involved, the teacher can monitor the situation.
- Enroll your daughter in other activities besides scouts. Whether a sport, art class, music lessons, etc., it will give her more opportunity to meet other kids with similar interests. I think that nurturing her own passions will help boost her confidence and give her another focus.
- On the weekend, carve out some extra 1:1 time with your daughter. Plan an activity she enjoys. Try your best not to bring up the other girl (very hard, I know!). Keep things light so you both can just relax together.

I wish I could keep my son from ever experiencing the hurt again, but I realize it's a part of growing up. I've decided to try to find ways to make this a learning experience -- I want him to know that he is always in the position of making a choice to step away from a relationship that is hurtful. Our kids don't need to put up with it...they have much to offer in the way of friendship, and deserve better!

I'll be thinking of you and your daughter. Hope she finds some nice kids soon!

I almost criend when I read this - Thank you for posting this as my 2nd grade daughter is going through some friend issues of her own at school and reading these responses has helped me. I am always looking for new ideas. My daughter has always been the type of social girl that would play with anyone, even though there are her closer friends she gravitates towards. The transition to having "best" friends has been tough esp. when she's told "you can't play with us" or "we're best friends, but not with you". I have found two girls particularly pick on her because she isn't standing up for herself and she's seeking their approval - it sounds like your daughter is doing the same. Unfortunately, girls this age equate standing up for themselves as "being mean". I have given my daughter some "phrases" and tools that she can use when she gets into these situations that she has used with some success. I personally have found that I can't expect my daughter to have all the tools to react to other "mean girls" especially if she is one of the nice girls."

I also spoke with the school counselor this morning because I truly feel my daughter is having some sort of self esteem issue and some anxiety around that. We tell her all the time how smart she is, beautiful, what a good job she does, etc., but sometimes I think kids need to hear it from others. The couselor is going to talk to her in the next few days. If you have a couselor at school, perhaps that would be an option. A unbiased party might be able to get your daughter to reveal some things maybe she's not revealing to you and perhaps give her the tools and the confidence to make new friends. Best of luck to you.

I don't have any girls but I know beyond 2nd grade, relationships can be tricky. Both of my boys have had best friends that were girls from Kindergarten but as they have gotten older, it seems the teasing from this has prevented that friendship from flourshing. Girls want the girls to play with girls and not with boys. My oldest was confident enough to tell others that the two of them are friends and have stronger friendships than all the other kids since they've known each other for over 6 years. His friend has gone off to play with the other girls probably due to peer pressure and differing interests but they still remain friends (and hopefully will be that way.) There was the teasing over boyfriends and things like that but fortunately, he can get past that and just enjoy her company without worry of what others say. I've arranged playdates with both boys and girls to facilitate the fact that they can all play together and now many of them are just a big group of friends. Perhaps you can do start arranging your own playdates for your daughter to help her increase her circle of friends. Signing up for classes or sports also expands those she will be get to know in the school, and before you know it, she will be busier than ever with new friends. Best of luck!

Hi J.,

I am a third grade teacher and this is quite common for girls in this age group (for boys it occurs in 4th or 5th grade). Are the three girls in the same class? If so, I would talk to the teacher. IF not, then I would talk to your daughter's teacher and have her set up some "interventions" to support your daughter in making more friends in her class. I can explain further if you like, but my 3 week old baby is screaming her head off and needs to be nursed now.... sorry, gotta go!

Plan a small party at your house and have her invite some girls from her class not the mean ones. It can be just a school is almost out party. Just because the other girls also have other friends doesn't mean they aren't willing to add someone else to their group. Just keep reassuring her that she is a great friend and will find that friend that can be loyal just like she is.

Hi J.-!

I'm sorry you and your daughter are dealing with this-! Unfortunately she will come across kids like this all the way through school. I have 4 kids, ages 17, 15, 13, and 6, and with the exception of the 6 year old, all of them have dealt with this in one degree or another.

Some things I try to tell them about this is to:

1. Stop giving power to the 'mean' kids by continually trying to win their approval. It is best to just stop participating in this dynamic - stop giving these girls even the time of day. Your daughter should have more the attitude that these girls need to win HER approval.

2. Find something at recess or other downtimes at school that she really likes to do - even if it is by herself at first. If she is having a great time, and is comfortable with herself, other kids find this irresistible and will come to her - this is also called being a leader instead of a follower.

3. To come to grips with the fact that not everyone is nice, and not everyone will be nice to her or want to be her friend. To accept that some people are always jerks, and most people can be that way occasionally - and to be able to not take personally anything that comes from such a person or a normally nice person who is having a bad day. :) If what someone says is complete drivel, treat it as such.

4. Always be kind. Even to those who are not - that doesn't mean she has to be their best friend, but she doesn't have to stoop to their level. She will establish herself as a 'safe' person for other like-minded people to be friends with.

5. Don't wait around for someone to be friends with her. Help her go out and be proactive - initiate contact often - invite others to play, to do projects together, and over to your house. More often than not, other kids are also 'waiting' for someone to be their friend and are too shy to come right out and initiate friendship - A lot of times you have to be that person.

It is always heartbreaking to see kids suffering from other kids - but it is also a good time to learn how to deal with it in a healthy self-esteem enhancing way. This is what they will be dealing with the rest of their lives in some degree or another-!

Good luck with your daughter-!

Hi J.,
I wish I had the perfect fix for you. It IS heartbreaking to watch your child go through something like this. My daughter is a little younger and has experienced some of this, but in smaller doses. So, here is my advice, mostly based on what educators and psychologists have recommended to me and some personal experience.

1. Social agression should be treated like physical agression, but it is not. It makes everyone uncomfortable. If you see one child hit another child, you or any teacher would absolutely step in and say something. However, when one child is being cleverly excluded - say by not wearing the same clothes or backpacks - no one steps in and says anything. We need to overcome this hesitancy and step in and help children understand that social agression hurts as much as physical agression.

2. Talk with the teachers and let them know what is going on and ask for their advice about how to handle it. They may know of another child that would be a good companion or have more insight into the situation. If they can identify other friends for your child, you will need to work to foster the friendships - arrange playdates, sleepovers, fun outings. Don't wait for people to call you, be assertive and outgoing. The teacher can also help break up the threesome at school in other ways.

3. Do not get emotionally involved yourself as it feeds into the drama. One psychologist said the only thing you are allowed to say when your child comes home with issues like this is: "oh". That's it. Any more and you, in some small way are contributing to the problem. If you talk negatively about the girl (no matter how truly annoying she may be) it will truly feed into the problem. Keep your frustrations to yourself.

4. Talk to your daughter about what it means to be a friend. What does she think makes a good friend? Ask her that and help her learn from her negative experience to be a better person. One suggestion is to focus on the two important components of trust and loyalty. If you ever see her being socially agressive - which is bound to happen in any threesome - treat it as if she hit someone. Make her acknowledge that she is being mean, and understand how she would feel if someone did the same thing to her. She will learn to recognize that as bad behavior in any situation as opposed to an attack on her.

5. Model good friend behavior. Don't gossip on the phone, talk negatively about your friends, etc. Be a loyal and trustworthy friend to your friends, and surround yourself with loving people so that she sees what good friendship is.

6. Persevere. As with everything in childhood, everything has a phase and then passes. Be a loving supportive mother. Hug your daughter when she is sad and do little things to make her day to day life happier. This phase will pass and next year she will have a new class, different friends and all sorts of new opportunities. The best that you can hope for us that she learns from this experience and becomes a better person as a result of it.

I hope this helps,

J.

Hi J.,

My daughter has had the same thing happen to her. It seemed to make matters worse when the moms get involved. What I found has helped (a little) is to get her involved in other activites that do not include friends from school - where she can meet other girls and encourage her to invite them over for playdates.

I was surprised to see this happen so young - I expected this in jr. high and high school but not early elementary school. Please keep us posted.

I'm going to echo a bit of what Catherine had to say in that you really can't make them be friends, but you can encourage her to make new friends. I know she thinks there is nobody else, but maybe she thinks that because everybody already has their own groups. Maybe you could have a baking day or go to a park or something to the like where you could invite other kids to help foster new friendships.

I also posted recently on a similar topic about how important it is for kids, especially little girls, to have friends outside of school. Then, when things go sideways at school from time to time, and they usually do, she'll have other friends and won't feel all alone. And if you get her involved with some of the activities Catherine suggested then maybe she'll have the opportunity to make really great friends and she'll know what it's like to have friends that treat her well.

You should check out that other post from a few days ago. There were some good book suggestions for both kids and adults. It was from the 5th, and the title said something about needing help for a mean girl problem.

As parents, this kind of thing just tears us up. I wish you the best of luck and keep us posted about how things go.

Hi, J.,

I am a teacher, and I see this all the time, unfortunately. I am so sorry this is happening to your daughter!

Can you enlist the help of her teacher? Perhaps he/she can manipulate a situation where your daughter gets to shine, and everyone can see her for the sweetie she is. I have had kids who are socially struggling design service projects where they work with other kids to help underprivileged children, or animals. Some examples--one student put together bags of goodies for homeless people living in St. James Park, and one student did a blanket/toy drive for a local shelter. Another group collected donations and made goodie bags for kids at the local Children's Shelter. I talked it up with the class (how COOL it was) and let the students pick their posses to help on the project. I find activities like this get kids out of their own worlds and into that amazing feeling of helping someone else. The bonding that results is incredible:)

Hopefully, her teacher is willing to help out. In the meantime, keep telling her how wonderful she is, and get her involved in volunteer activities. Does she have a pet? Sometimes, there is nothing better than crying into a puppy's or kitten's fur. This type of unconditional love got me through some really rough patches in childhood.

Take care--you sound like a good mom:)

L.

Hi, I know mom's schedules are busy, but why don't you try looking into other activities that your daughter can be involved in outside of her two friends. She is bound to meet new friends and it will get her out of her comfort zone of just being friends with only the two girls. You can also meet some of the other parents through her school and schedule play dates with them. It really sounds like it is her best interest to seek other friends, even if there's no falling out with the other two. She just needs a litlle push in the right direction and some encouragement. Every girl really needs to have that one best friend and it makes it a lot easier for them to socialize with groups. I hope it works out. I know how fragile girls can be at that age.

OMG that made me cry! I feel bad for your daughter! I wish I had something encouraging to tell you. This happened w/ my daughter and 2 of her close friends. It was weird! My daughter is best friends w/ the other 2 girls and 1 on 1, they play well together. When I had all 3 of them over 1 afternoon, I saw that my daughter & one of the girls were not necessarily including the other one. I pulled her aside and told her to start including her or else I'll take both girls home! I told her that it is never ok to hurt someone's feelings by excluding them. She got the message, but I made sure that when the girls left, she got another stern conversation about etiquette. She may only be 4, but that's not an excuse she will learn as being ok to do! The incident hasn't happened since, and they all play better. I do try to make sure I have a 4th girl when I have them over so that everyone has a "partner" to do activities w/. At school, they all play equally and all sit together, they even take ballet together! I hope that things get better for your daughter. Have you tried observing @ school, maybe trying to find if there's another girl or group she can start playing w/? Or maybe try calling some of the other parents to set up playdates w/ their kids? That's what I've been doing, and w/ Kindergarten coming this Fall, I printed out little business cards w/ my information w/ my daughter's name to pass around to the parents who I'll be meeting so that I can set up playdates throughout the summer. This way, my daughter (the other 2 girls are going to 2 different schools) will have friends that she's already interacted w/, making the transition from pre-school to Kindergarten less daunting. W/ the summer coming up, maybe you can see about getting together w/ other parents and their kids to get her started w/ new friends. Again, I'm sorry your dauther is going through this and I hope it gets better.

oh my! this breaks my heart too. I would think you could change scout troops. She's sure to find new friends in a new setting. Ask the teacher if he/she has noticed any other children being left out of play and seek out those Mom's and make your own play dates. It sounds like your sweet little girl might not know how to seek out and make new friends, so show her.

You may want to have your daughter have a sleep over with 2-3 friends. This would help you get a feel of how they interact with each other. Then, start having play dates for your daughter as well. I too have had issues similiar with my daughter being the "odd man out". Sometimes kids can be cruel not realizing how they are making the other child feel. Maybe if you have play dates 1-2 a month or pizza nite (where you have the girls make there own pizza with french rolls, sauce, cheese, etc) and a movie will help your daugther no feel so alone.

Like the other moms have said, this makes me sad but I also agree you can't make them be friends. This sort of thing will continue to happen w/your daughter over the years & the best you can do is empower her to not let people treat her like this & see that friends don't treat each other like this. That's a hard concept to grasp at this age, tho. Definately make sure the teacher is aware of the problem but again, they can't make them be friends, either. Try to arrange playdates w/other kids in her class or even other 3rd graders that she was in class w/previous years. But, for the most part, she needs to work this out herself & realize that this girl really isn't her friend. While I know it's hard to see your daughter so upset, you also can't let your own emotions & feelings (possibly from your own child hood) get in the way. If you get too invested in this, then she'll just expect you to fix her problems & that's something she needs to learn to do herself. Also, try looking at your local library or book store for books on this topic. Good luck!

Hi ,
three is always a tough number for girls. You should try to make one on one play-dates with "the mean girl". Or have all three together at your house.

T.