Loner Pre-teen Daughter

Your daughter sounds like me when I was her age and beyond. There is good news. She may just be an introvert. What has really helped me over the years was acting and dancing. I also used to suffer from sever stage freight but worked through that too.

Have her join an acting class or find some other kind of thing she can do and get good at that interests her. Having tons of friends is not necessarily essential to becoming a healthy and whole individual. The more she gets to know herself the more confident she will become.

I used to have parties where no one would come either. Please stop throwing her parties like this. She may be better served with a smaller more intimate group of 1 - 3 girls but it is helpful to have things in common. Perhaps she could take classes in martial arts, art, drama, music, dance, fencing, or something else like this where she could establish friendships. Even learning chess and competing may help too.

I've always been the odd duck but now I'm a beautiful swan. Just understand some of our beautiful children take longer to blossom and my great grandmother always said the later you blossom the later you wilt. She really loved me for me and that really helped me be fine with being different.

You need to determine if she is lonely OR a loner. In my mind those are not the same.

If she is a loner (enjoys solitude with a few select close friends), then work with your daughter to find her niche based on her interests. Focus on finding activities which help her find places where people share similar interests and she can reach out to make and interact with a few select friends.

If she is lonely (wants more out of social situations/relationships than she is getting), then you need to talk to your daughter about the person she wants to be and why she doesn't feel she is that person. Then the two of you can discuss/brainstorms ways to improve, push her boundaries and help her grow.

Either way you should talk to her about her interests - is she into art things (art, crafts, dance, music, books, poetry, etc.) or maybe mechanical things (building, fixing, tinkering, etc.) or maybe volunteer opportunities (animal shelter, mother's helper, etc.) or...? Maybe she has these interests but she doesn't have enough opportunities with them to develop fully. In that case you would both have a platform for jumping off into new social settings and new friendships. Maybe she doesn’t know what really interests her so talk about things she might like to try – sports, crafts, art classes, etc. Sign her up for those things so she can try them. Discuss and explain trying something comes with risk (most of us aren’t overnight wonders at things we try) so she’ll need to devote a certain amount of effort to what she wants to try before she can honestly say it is OR isn’t for her. Finally I think it would be timely to ask her for her take on these situations. Is she bothered by the lack of interaction at parties (skating alone/swimming alone/etc.)? If she is bothered, then talk about how to change these situations around into what she wants. Good luck.

Your daughter needs to start reaching out to people her own age. Popular children are those who have a sunny outlook, and are interested in other people's doings. My son has always been like that, and EVERYONE likes him. My daughter, who is the older of the two, is more like your daughter, or was, until she started working at the age of 16. My daughter preferred books to friends, and always wished that she could be more like her brother. I believe that being out-going/introverted is an inherited trait. You can help your daughter by her having perhaps one friend come over to play. Then she can perhaps add two friends, and so on. Encourage her to be social, and to be interested in what others are doing. Good socialization skills go a long way throughout a lifetime! Hope this helps. Best of luck!

K.
Licensed Teacher
Mother of two grown children

My daughter was never social. Still isn't too much, but has a small group of friends. But she went to very sports dominated schools and was NOT inclined to any sports. She was the heavier set girl with glasses I guess.

But she was directed with her talents to art. She excelled at it and that is her thing. She applied to and got accepted at a public (but like I said, application and acceptance policy) Arts high school for the last 2 years of high school and she really blossomed. She will now attend an art college on a significant scholarship. She has a very small group of friends, but really prefers being home most of the time, drawing and creating. Only occasional out of the home socializing. College will be a big adventure (out of state!)

My point is, maybe explore things she is more in tune with or interested in. Maybe she has not had the chance to try things out to see what that might be. Ask her. Talk to her more. Get her feedback. Might help. Can't hurt, right?

Good luck!

Have you talked to her school teachers about this, sometimes they can give insight into what is going on with social dynamic.

Time for mom to take some action. Maybe you could try and find a few good friends outside of school with summer coming. Sign her up for something that would really interest her and start having playdates when she finds a buddy. This would help with her self confidence. At school talk with the teachers and see if you can find another sweet, shy little girl (or boy) that might need a friend and start making calls to hang out. One or two good friends could really help get her through the tough tween and teen years.

Did all the kids rsvp "yes" for her party? If so, how rude not to show up!

Is she happy? Some kids are loners at this age (and beyond) but that doesn't mean they are lonely or sad.
Who were the 14 girls invited to the party? You say she doesn't have any friends at school, I know if my kids get an invite from someone they don't really know or hang out with then they usually don't want to go and we rsvp no. I hope these girls at least had the courtesy to do that rather than saying they were coming and then just not show up!
If school is still in session I would talk to her teacher. She can tell you what she observes at school, which can be quite different than what you see at home. Maybe your daughter needs to work on her social skills, or like I said above, maybe she's just fine hanging on her own.