Your Response to "I Don't Want To"

"I don't care - do it! And if you keep being whiny and lazy, I'll think of about 5 more things for you to do!"
She's 9 not 3!!!

My response to this when my son says it is "I didn't ask if you wanted to". He knows I'm serious and typically does what is asked.

I usually respond with " I don't believe I asked if you wanted to do it. There are plenty of things I don't want to do but have to because they need to be done"

I may get the bad mama award here....
Son, " I don't want to"
Me, "I don't care. Do it"

L.

I have a 9 year old also. When he says "I don't want to" - then I say "I asked politely to be nice, now I'm telling you straight up to go ___________"

Um, my response would be "too bad!".

A therapist once told me to use "If you choose to _____, then you choose ___."

If you choose not to pick up your room then you are choosing for all of the toys on your floor to be donated to goodwill.
If you choose to keep arguing in the car then you choose not to play with friends when we get home.
If you choose not to put your laundry away then you are choosing to wear dirty clothes to school.
If you choose not to do your chores you are choosing to forfeit your free time this weekend.

It's amazing how flipping this around to give them control of the consequence achieves results; much better than threats. It usually works very quickly with my kids, but you do have to make sure to follow through on the consequences.

My response would simply be "I didn't ask if you wanted to, I asked you to do it." I don't allow my children (including my daycare kids) to say no to me. I just reiterate what I asked, making it more of a statement instead of a request the second time with a statement of consequences for not doing as I asked. I follow through on the consequences and then see that they still do as I asked afterwards (ie. Still have to clean up toys when they get out of time out). Good luck!

When she says 'I don't want to' over something, then let her not do it. Then when she asks for clean clothes, tell her 'I didn't want to do laundry'. When she asks for dinner, tell her 'I don't want to cook'. When she asks for a ride to a friend's, tell her 'I don't want to drive you.' 'I don't want to change the channel' 'I don't want to clean your mess' ... you see where this is going. When you can see it making an impact, you can tell her 'sometime we have to do things we don't want to do so things can be better for everyone.'

I think your responses are fine. I said some of these things. Not sure they were so perfect but this is what I said.

"I know. I wouldn't want to do that either. You know I don't like to clean the house or make dinner, but I do it anyway because it's good for us. Please do what I ask because it really helps me out." If she does it be sure to praise and thank her. And give her a minute. Moving slowly is better than not moving at all.

If she does not do what you ask, let it go, but next time she asks for something...... like "can I go over to my friends house." Then tell her as sympathetically as possible...."Oh, I'm sorry, but I don't really want to. When you didn't do --- for me I had to do it myself, and so now I don't really have that extra time to take you. Besides that made me feel bad so I don't really feel like doing something for you right now. I'm sorry." Be sure to quickly call the other Mom so she doesn't offer to come pick up your daughter though! LOL!

Your daughter is 9. Teen stuff starts now, so you probably know this is very normal.

My responses run the gamut... read all the responses prior to mine and you'll get an idea of what it might be. But I never use the same one every time. One time they whine I don't want to, and I respond with "I didn't ask you if you wanted to." The next time they "Do I have to?" I give them "Not unless I don't have to make dinner and grocery shop and do laundry and pick you up from school." The next time my response might be "Did I ask you if you wanted to?" The next time I count them (The 1-2-3 Magic routine) "That's one."

And so on. My 9 year old is VERY bright and I also have a 12 year old. Some days they really need the "I didn't ask you your opinion about it." response, and some days the humor works better ("Well I don't want to EITHER..". ~whining while saying this~). Usually they will start to smile and then get busy...
:)

Then, when my kids ask me to do something or want something... I respond "I don't want to..." or I simply say "No. Thank you."
To which my kids... then of course realize why Mommy is saying that... because they previously were sassy or obstinate.

I just get soooooo tired, of 'lecturing' and besides... the kids DO know what you are going to say. They can... read your mind.
And, besides, reasoning/lecturing/specifying the consequences... gets so old... I am not a broken record.

Get the book "Have A New Kid By Friday" by Leman.
Good practical easy tips, and very not derogatory.

all the best,
Susan

I tell the little boy I nanny for the same thing I always told my kids. "It takes longer to argue about it than it does to do it so get moving" then resort to the 1,2,3 thing and remove a priviledge in our house everything except breathing and homework are/were priviledges. so take away things one at a time, tv, computer, video games, toys etc. the worst for me when I was growing up was when my mom would take my book. (always her last resort but the worst of all of them for me lol)

My son tried that a few times.
I answered him "Do you think I want to do laundry, clean toilets, cook meals, wash dishes, do the shopping, etc? I can think of a whole lot of other things I'd rather be doing. But I do these things because I love you and want to take care of you so you are not ashamed to be seen in public. Everyone has things they don't want to do but we do them as best we can and as quickly as we can so we can get it over with. If you started <what ever it was I asked him to do> when I first asked you, you'd be finished right now and having more fun than listening to this lecture from me.".
I guess the message got through. I haven't had to say it again in a long long time.

Ditto all the mom's who responded with the theme of Well, let me tell you all the things that I don't want to do.....yada, yada, yada....

At 9, she's old enough to reason with and I completely understand being struck silent by the response because I was too at first. It took a little experience to have a great come back...

Anyhow, this post reminded me of an experience, not with my kids, but friend's kids whom I was watching for the day. They are homeschooled kids and tend to think they are bit better than others. I asked the 8 yr. old daughter to sit and continue playing a Pre School game with my 3 year old while I went and did something important like turn the laundry over or start dinner...She promptly responded that that game was beneath her and she wouldn't do it. WHAT??!! Do you know how many things I do all day long, day after day, that are 'beneath' me? I could be working for NASA with my credentials, but I'm here wiping snotty noses and making dinner and playing PreK games and watching you...BTW, they are Christian homeschooled kids, so I think their curriculum must have omitted the being humble and serving other lessons.

I usually say "well thats too bad, because you have to"

or something along those lines

I usually answer the same way you do, but sometimes (usually like once a month when my temper gets a bit short and I'm bloated and irritable) I'll say "I understand you don't WANT to. I don't WANT to have to get upset with YOU for not WANTING to. I don't WANT to have to remove privileges from you for not WANTING to. NOW GET TO IT YOUNG LADY!" That seems to work.

I didnt ask you if you wanted to.

"There are a lot of things I don't want to do either, but that's life so get used to it!"

If my daughter who is now 13 ever said that to me...watch out! She said that to me once and never again.... My answer was same as Laura's but I prefaced it with "EXCUSE ME...." and gave them the Ojo...(the eye).

My kids know better.

Your daughter is 9. Nip it now! =-)

In life, we often have to do things we don't want to. There are many days I don't want to do the laundry, or cook dinner, or get the kids ready for school, or take them to their extracurriculars...shall I go on?

My daughter is only 3 but says this to me sometimes to. Here's an example of how it goes:
Me: DD please start picking up your toys so we can get ready for bed.
DD: I don't want to
Me: I didn't ask you if you wanted to, I asked you nicely to do it. I'll give you two choices. You can pick up like I asked, or I will do it and I'll take all of the toys away. What would you like to do?
DD: I'll put my toys away.
Me: Thank you.
Maybe this won't work when she's 9, but I'm hoping it will.
Good Luck to you all!

Mine are younger but it's generally along the lines of "I don't recall asking if you wanted to".
I don't necessarily recommend my response - yours is much more text book, it's just more fitting with my personality.

You could remind her of all the things you do that you often don't feel like doing: laundry, cooking, grocery shopping, etc. Remind her that we have things to do in life because we need to do them, not necessarily because we want to. It is a sign of maturity when we joyfully do things we don't want to do. I would exhort her in her attitude, and not allow it. What form of punishment do you use for disrespect and disobedience? That will be appropriate for this situation. Sometimes we over-exaggerate what they are doing in relation to what it would look like if we did it. ("But I don't want to cook dinner!"-whine) Character is a huge factor for children. They need to be taught good character. Working develops character. You might consider piling on more work when they complain. They learn quickly enough.

I'd make sure there are some consequences. Calmly explain, we all have to do things we don't always want to - I know how you feel. However, you need to get ready now. It's your choice, you need ___________ or no TV tongiht - or no playtime after school, or ______________. Maybe a few consequences will change her ways. If she's strong willed engaging in an argument won't help. Actions speak louder than words. Make the consequences clear and not your punishment, but just the natural outcome of her choice. As we all do, we need to learn this lesson - good job not letting her get away with it no matter which approach you choose.

What does she do after she says 'I don't want to'? Does she go to her room and play/talk on the phone/computer, etc.? Take away her privlidges until she can contribute to the household. If you ask her to help make dinner, and she says, I don't want to (ie - set the table, get plates out, etc. - don't do it for her. I'm not saying don't feed her, but let her know you're the mom, not the maid (a sign I have at my house...not that anyone pays attention!).

I like to mix it up now and then with, "Okay, don't do it. The next time you need something I won't do it for you either, deal?"

I used to "mirror back" the same response to my kids until they got the message that the comment can go both ways.... ex. will you take me to my friend's house... no I don't want too. Can I rent a movie ...no I don't want to .....
My kids used to say " I will" or I'm coming" when asked to do a chore. I would mirror this response back to them when they asked something of me and it took no time at all for them to get the message.

I have a very strong will almost 9 year old. If I push back really forcefully when I get the "I don't want to" it can result in a major tantrum and create multiple new problems. If I sense that she isn't getting close to meltdown, and is in a fairly calm state, just being lazy, or whatever, I say "I hear you are deciding not to do what I just asked. You will not like the result of your decision." Then I walk away. I know it sounds crazy, but I allow her to not do what I say at the moment. Later, she receives consequences for her behavior. No threats at the moment, I won't even talk about it then. Sometimes it just takes a minute or two and she decides on her own it really is in her best interest just to do what I ask. She pretty much knows the next thing she asks of me, calling a friend, watching TV, playing a video game, etc is going to get a "no" unless she kicks it in to action. Me making threats, getting forceful, or putting time pressure on her will just cause her to explode. If she is already nearing meltdown, just me saying "you will not like result of deciding not to do what I ask" can send her over the edge. So I say nothing. I wait. And if she doesn't act, she gets consequences. It also gives me time to cool down and think about what natural consequences come to her from her behavior.

personally after dealign with that for a long time i would just start doing things that she WANTS to do and say i dont want to so we arent going to the mall movies or whatever

Mostly I explain what the logical consequence will be. "I don't want to put on my shoes" "Fine, we're leaving in 5 minutes either way and if they're not on your feet will be cold." "I don't want to brush my teeth" "Fine. You'll have bad breath and no one will want to be your friend." Etc etc.

Good luck.

Rather than "fight back" or over explain, I like just saying "I know you don't want to." And that's it. Nothing more nothing less. Say it as many times as you need to. In a conversational, not confrontational tone. Keep asking if she's accomplished what needs to be done and keep up the friendly, empathetic "I know you don't." Fighting is no fun for kids if they can't get a rise out of you. They soon realize it's easier to just quiet the broken-record-mom (who doesn't seem ruffled by the whole affair) by simply getting the job done.

Hi--
I would just make it clear that there are consequences to her choices. She works with you, helps out and puts in the team effort and she gets happy Mom, happy environment, and whatever incentive you want to offer. OR she refuses to cooperate, is surly and disrespectful, she gets unhappy Mom, unhappy environment, and whatever consequence you think is appropriate. Figuring out what her "currency" is will help. For instance, if she loves computer games (random example), then take them away as a consequence. You'll have to stick to your guns and follow through so she knows you mean it. You might also find that the behavior will intensify initially as she tests to see if you mean it. It sounds like you are already good at not getting emotionally involved. Stick to that and I think you can modify the behavior in a relatively short amount of time.
Good luck!
J.