Young Teen Mom "Depression"

I am glad you are seeking help.

You deserve to be treated with respect.
You are also setting an example for your child. She needs to see that mommy can stand up for herself.

Here is a starting point. Call and see if they can guide you to a counselor.

San Diego Family Counseling
San Marcos, CA 92069
877-792-8585

You could also be depressed. Have you spoken with your doctor? She may be able to make some suggestions or be able to take some tests to make sure there is nothing physically wrong with you.

I am sending you strength and peace.

I have been where you are - without the baby. It is true, the longer you are away, the easier it will get. But, I know, the nights are the worst! That is when your mind goes in a thousand directions and you create scenarios in your head that you think could actually work, ways to make him change (thus the nighttime phone calls) then... the morning comes and reality hits - it's a lost cause. But, then night comes again and the cycle continues. The healing will take time.

His psychological pull is strong and you need to be stronger. He manipulated you into giving up your fiends, you did not do that on your own to make things easier. He purposefully made you feel 'less than' so you would not go anywhere. I remember being told, nobody loved me, he was the only one that did and I eventually believed him. My self esteem went through the floor.

You have been and are being abused. That is why you are feeling bad. It's hard to come to terms that his has happened to you. It takes a while to learn that he did this to you and you didn't deserve it or ask for it. Manipulations and mind control are strong forces that envelope us unknowingly - the persons that do this are good at grooming or seducing their victims, it doesn't happen overnight.

You are amazing for taking the stand and leaving him! You are a wonderful mother in doing so too! Please, please, please, keep looking forward. Know that this is temporary and you will heal.

Do you have a lawyer? The father does not need to have unsupervised visits w/ your daughter. Do you have any pics of any bruises he caused? Your situation is much more complicated than mine - I was able to just walk away. You need to protect your child and your self. I'm sure the churches or other groups can help you with the legal stuff.

There is a 1980's song, corny as it may be, but it actually helped me. It's by the group Yes, there is a line that goes, "Owner of a lonely heart, Much better than a owner of a broken heart." I know, I know, you may laugh, but it kind of put things in perspective for me.

Hang in there sweetie! You're doing good. Stay strong, if not for you, for your daughter.

If you need to talk, just send me a message. :)

Here is a link to domestic violence hotlines in CA. They can give you recommendations to free counseling, legal advice, shelters, and support groups. They are very kind and helpful.
You will feel better, once you let your fantasies about who you want him to be go. He's not that person. He never will be. I know it's harsh, but I speak from experience.

http://www.fullerton.edu/universityblues/dating_violence/...

Oh darlin, you have made him your "tin god". You have forgotten that YOU are the prize, not him. I know it's hard to focus on YOU and the baby and not him, but you need to try. Remind yourself by looking down to see where your feet are, and make sure your head is in the same place. He has beaten you into desperation, but you can heal that wounded spirit. I'm assuming that alcohol is involved, it usually is. You can get a lot of help from Al-Anon, and it costs nothing. So many people there have gone through what you have and have learned solutions. He is a sick person and isn't able to realize what a special person you are. Would you want someone like him with your daughter? I'm hoping you will muster up enough love for yourself to do what you would want HER to do. A good father does NOT hurt the mother of his child. You can go to Al-Anon every night if you want to, and days too. They have phone lists that you can use to call as many people for support as you would like. You don't need to know if he is an alcoholic or not, it doesn't matter. You are stronger than you think. You are precious. Please treat yourself like you would like your daughter treated, you deserve it. He is wrong. God bless you.

I don't know of any specific resources ...but I do know you are doing the right thing for you and your baby. It is completely normal to be feeling depressed over the situation, it doesn't get much harder than what you're dealing with.
Please realize that abusive people "control" your life and make you somewhat isolated from everyone else ...that makes you feel more dependent on them even when they hurt you (because you feel like they are all you have --they are all you have because they made you give up other real friends). This is a way of controlling you psychologically.

The longer you are away from this person, the better you will feel over time.

Do you have family or a support group at a church that could give you some encouragement or support during this time? Another idea would be to call
2-1-1. Most major areas in the country use this number as a community resource number to find out about services in your area. You might call and see what services are available in your area. You are having to make a lot of tough decisions, but you and your daughter deserve better than him.

hi sweetie, I think one reason you feel this way is because he is all you know since you got with him at a young age. Please go to a close friend or family member that can help you. This man is not good for you. so of course he is not good for your daughter. As a mother of a 21 year old daughter, I have to tell you, that respect is the first key to a healthy relationship, and it's not there, you need to leave this man behind consentrate on building a life and future for you and your daughter and one day the right man will come along, but sweetie don't sleep with any man that is not your husband, unfortunatly you and your daughter are living the consequences of that. But it's not to late,you are young and still learning. If you were my daughter id bring you back home, call your mom, if she won't help you then call the family services number in your area, if this was my daughter I would want her to call me first. J.

Here is a great website for you to check out:

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_h...

Here's another link from that website:
http://www.leavingabuse.com/out.html

I'll keep looking for an online support group for you.

God bless!
J.

Oh my....all I could say is stay away from him for your sake and your baby's sake. I went thru this at your age and leaving that guy was the best thing that I ever ever did in my life. Now I am married to a wonderful husband who lovea and supports me and we have 2 beautiful children. Children learn from us and if your baby girl sees that you are standing up for yourself, she will do the same in her life and that's a wonderful gift. I went thru the same thing...calling, wanting him back and so on...I had low self esteem and thought he loved me and was the only one who would. But that was not true. Hang in there. I think you can go to a support group like Al-anon but for dependancy anonymous?? I can't recall but call Al-Anon they will guide you. All the best and you did the right thing to leave. You'll know down the road, you'll see more clearly. N.

wow! I'm so very sorry that you are going through a situation like this one. I first of all want to say that I went through a similar situation, not once but twice, the only difference here is that I never let both of those persons disrespect me the way you are allowing this guy do. But I have seen someone very close treat a woman that way. Ok, when you started giving up on things to try to make him "trust" you more, and to please him you became "dependent" of him. Your became focused on pleasing him and trying your best to keep him with you, and you became "addicted" to that way of life, so that is why you are now having trouble "detoxicating". I went through the sleepless nights of crying my eyes out, and calling endlessly only to hurt myself more and more by realizing that he was done with me. It's hard for you to realize that he won't do anything to change for you or your daughter because it seems unfair that you gave it your all and he has given nothing. Now, on the other hand he might have had a hard childhood and that is why he acts that way, which in no way justifies what he is doing, but if he doesn't heal within he will never change his ways. To start coming off of your dependancy you need to start loving your self again, and if at the beggining you can't do that, then LOVE the one who loves you unconditionally, your daughter. Think how you are teaching her that letting someone treat you that way is normal and ok. Do you want her to be treated that same way when she grows up? I bet you don't, so teach her to be strong and to stand up for herself, and the only way to do it is by doing it yourself. I beat myself up everytime I think back at how I humiliated myself by beggin those persons to love me, and value my sacrifices...it was dumb, and believe me one day you will look back and think the same, but then you will be a stronger, wiser woman. Now, about being scared of loosing him and being alone...let me ask you this, Were you born stuck together? How many single moms out there are the happiest people alive? Are you the first one to go through this situation? Is it a crime to be a single mom? Dear Young Mommy, LOVE is all you need, LOVE for yourself and your daughter. Don't be anyone's door mat, don't let anyone put you down, because you are worth way more than that. If you need to talk more...I am here...just throw me a line. I want to say honestly that my heart breaks for you, because I know your pain...be strong, because you'll make it through this, and succeed...:)

I feel your pain! Please be strong, for you and your little girl! You don't need him in your life! Be strong. Be there for your little one, and be patient. You have your whole life ahead of you and someone wonderful will come along to share it with! A healthy relationship will make you so happy, and you deserve it! Respect yourself, and someone will come along that respects and really loves you and your child. It's worth the wait!!

I agree that you are SO young to be having to deal with this, but your daughter has to be a top priority. There are two books, Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft (a top batterers counselor) and It's My Life Now, that both discuss how abusers "brainwash" their partners into thinking they are incompetent, etc... Don't focus on him, as hard as that is, but every day try to return your focus to you and your child. The Foundation Center (www.foundationcenter.org) is a library of resources of funding from foundations and the librarians are trained to help you access the grants. It sounds like you have a fantastic child that really needs you to be wise right now, so as much as you can, turn your attention to what you can control, which is your life, your daughter's opportunities, your future.

In Los Angeles there are many groups. Here is a link that might help you find what you need in your area. http://helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_help_...

It is not helping anyone, least of all your child to stay in an abusive relationship. I'm sorry for the pain and suffering you are going through. Just raising a two year old is hard enough work as it is. You cannot worry about being alone. You should focus on feeling better about yourself and all the love and caring you are providing this small child. You are a mother, the strongest, most important person in your daughter's life. I wish you joy and love.

hi, first let me say that i'm sorry you are going through such a hard time right now but speaking from experience IT WILL AND DOES GET BETTER! it's hard to get over your fist love and when a child is involved it makes it even harder but you can't dwell over something or somebody you know is not was not good for you! God gave you what he wanted you to have out of that relationship your daughter :) but to answer your question you can try talking to your pastor if you have one or any pastor most of them are will to talk and counsel for free. you can also try your insurance group most of them if not all provide some mental health, with different types of programs. I hope you get the help you need. May God Bless you and your daughter :)

I don't know of any resources in your local area. However, you could visit a local church. Many churches offer counseling, or if not, they should know where you can find help. Another thing to try is to call your local mental health board. They should have a listing of resources for you. I hope this will at least give you a starting point to find what you need.

Best wishes!

Dearest Young Mommy, You have gotten a lot a great advice & websites from these amazing moms. Please know that we are all sending you our love and wishing the very best for you. We all want to just wrap our arms around you and remind you how wonderful you are and we want to help you see that there is so much out there in the world for you - so much good - for you & your daughter. Please see yourself moving forward; see good things for yourself; believe in yourself. Every time you pick up the phone to call him, call someone else. Tell yourself that you are not going to subject yourself to him today. And then do the same thing tomorrow. Please do keep us posted on what help you find from the resources everyone has posted, and let us know how you are doing. Peace & Love to you and your daughter!

Hi there
congrats to you for seeking help and YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING!! Not just for yourself but for your baby. You know..... when people say ..... When a person hits once they will continue and it is true. In some cases it gets worst and sometime death. So i agree with every one that said stay away IT does get better the longer you are away. I would call the numbers that everyone as given you for help. This will help you stay focused and do the right thing for you and the baby. And you will feel more self esteem and convidence as you go threw this roller coaster with other people that has gone threw the same things and some might be around your age.
Right now he is all you think you know but that is not true. Get yourself out there savely and go for bigger and better things. HE DOESN'T SOUND LIKE MUCH.

Congratulations on having the courage to leave!!! Congratulations on wanting better for your precious daughter!!! And congratulations on having the courage to ask for help!!!

I'm not sure what resources there are in your area (I live in another state) but you can usually call the county health department or social services for referrals.

You're right when you say that you're afraid of being alone. I think your depression is more about being alone than it is about this guy who is not good enough for any woman. Ending the relationship permanently means that, deep down, you are feeling like a failure. When your parents didn't like him, you probably thought that they just didn't understand him. When you had a baby, you thought that he would change and grow up. When you left, you thought he would realize how good he had things and want his family back. Now you're having to accept that you were wrong, each time. You're having to accept that you AND your daughter weren't as important to him as you thought you were. You're probably thinking that if you two weren't meant to be together, that you've wasted 5 years, a full quarter of your life. It's very, very painful and overwhelming. You want to be with him so that you can assure yourself that you made the right decisions in the past.

If we didn't make mistakes, we'd never learn anything!!! You have now learned SO MUCH about human nature, relationships, being a parent and growing up! That experience means that the time and relationship are NOT "wasted" if you learn from them! Go forward knowing that it has made you stronger and wiser.

DO NOT get trapped in thinking that having the baby was a mistake, and that being a parent means that you can do less with your life!!! I had a baby at 20 and another at 21, and I could not believe how many people seemed to want me to think that I had thrown away my youth and opportunities. Being an adult means that you can decide what you want to be and MAKE IT HAPPEN. Everything worthwhile in life takes enormous, sometimes exhausting, effort, but then at the end you have earned something wonderful that YOU made happen! Find classes, support groups, scholarships - whatever you need to choose your own path. Those two babies of mine just graduated from college. :) My life is better than even I thought it would be.

Don't worry that getting older means being less pretty or desirable! (And don't measure your worth by whether or not men pay attention to you.) Don't worry that you'll never find a man who wants you and wants to be a dad to your daughter. It might be harder to find quality men, but that's why diamonds are worth more than common rocks - they're rare, and therefore valuable! Don't be in a hurry, but don't give up.

You get the chance to create a future for yourself and your daughter. It is COMPLETELY WORTH IT to make that a future without this man, or anyone like him, in it!! You're worth it. Your daughter is worth it.

Hang in there! Don't get discouraged! Throw away his phone number! Go out and create a better life!

You really need to get away from this guy. If he is hitting you and telling you it is your fault it will only get worse. You have to do this for yourself AND your baby. I know it seems hard right now, but you will get over him and be happy. You DESERVE better!

Find something that you can do that makes you feel good about yourself. Reconnect with good friends and family and spend time with people who value and love you.

You need to be strong for your daughter! What advice would you give her years from now if it was happening to her?

Look up Domestic Violence or Battered Women's Shelters in San Diego County on GOOGLE. They have experience with this situation and I am sure they have counselors and support groups. You are not alone! Please get help! You may think you love him, but love shouldn't hurt!
God Bless you and your daughter!

I went through something simular. You can't change him and he is not good for you or the baby. Have you thought about Church? Or getting a job. It will really boost your self esteem which seems to be the issue. You have to know you deserve to be treated respectfully. Your daughter is watching how you react to not being treated well and she will do the same if you don't make a change. You are worthy of respect, and believe it. Find some positive people that will lift you up. Sometimes we look for someone that is the opposite of what we were raised with. Get some counseling too. Join a women's church group and take you eyes off you and put it on doing something good for others. It will make you feel worthwhile. Good luck, chin up. Know you are loved by God who loves you more than you know. Get a good book that will help you. A man will not make you happy. You have to be happy alone first. Concentrate on making your daughter feel good about herself. I will help you too. You are a team. Blessings to you.

Why dont you go back and livewith your parents thay could hap you with your little one go to a public health clinic you nee to see a psychairtist now it is very important to do this pleasedo this as a nurse i hoe you will listen raiseed 4 and now have 7grandchilsren A. no hills

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WHY DONT YOU GO BACK AND LIVEWITH YOUR PARENTS THAY COULD HAP YOU WITH YOUR LITTLE ONE GO TO A PUBLIC HEALTH CLINIC YOU NEE TO SEE A PSYCHAIRTIST NOW IT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO DO THIS PLEASEDO THIS AS A NURSE I HOE YOU WILL LISTEN RAISEED 4 AND NOW HAVE 7GRANDCHILSREN A. NO HILLS

Updated

WHY DONT YOU GO BACK AND LIVEWITH YOUR PARENTS THAY COULD HAP YOU WITH YOUR LITTLE ONE GO TO A PUBLIC HEALTH CLINIC YOU NEE TO SEE A PSYCHAIRTIST NOW IT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO DO THIS PLEASEDO THIS AS A NURSE I HOE YOU WILL LISTEN RAISEED 4 AND NOW HAVE 7GRANDCHILSREN A. NO HILLS

You are not alone. There are many women like you and your feelings, thoughts, and confusion are normal. But it is very easy to stay in this mode without the right help and I am sure that is not the future you want. Please get help so that you can begin to heal. Do this for you and your baby's sake. These are two amazing places that can and will help you. Call them. They can help with counseling, legal issues, and so much more. Take care.
Love,
G.

http://www.familyjusticecenter.com/
http://www.ccssd.org/

I agree, check with local churches. My sister is not a church member, but she has been getting a great deal of assistance in dealing with her depression from a local Catholic church. They work with a social worker and health professionals. They ask her to pay what she can, IF she can. She can afford about $20 per month, so that's what she gives and she meets there weekly. There are months she can't afford anything and they have never pressured her or made her feel bad about it. It's been extremely helpful for her. She hasn't gone the route of being medicated yet, but they have also given her many affordable resources if she chooses to look into that option. I am sorry you are going through this...I have no doubt it's scary. Be proud of your decision. Even if it doesn't feel this way now, it was the best decision you could have made for both you and your daughter.

First of all way to go for getting out of that relationship! It is not healthy for you or the baby. You wouldnt want your baby girl to be in a relationship like that im sure. You are doing what is best for you and your baby and that is great! Things will get better and before you know it you will be a much happier person. Could you go talk to a doctor to get on a depression medication as a start, and then i agree with looking into some local churches. Most churches will offer you counciling or know of a place to refer you to. Hang in there, and stay strong for your little girl. God never gives you more than you can handle and you will get through this.