Well today I called to make an appointment with a counselor. For me. To help deal with my alcoholic husband. I am getting to my breaking point. I have three kids and another on the way. I can't fail them and break down. I hate my husband. I tell him all the time. He thinks I am just saying it to be mean. He laughs at me. What I want to say is I dont' love you anymore,but I am not ready to open that can of worms. He needs help. I can't make him. Today I dumped out an entire 12 pack. He is pissed. I don't care. He probably thinks I didn't do it. I told him I would dump out any left over beer everyday(if there is any. I will not be an enabler anymore! I won't go to the store to get it and if he is broke I won't use what little bit of extra money I get a week to buy him hi precous beer. I am done. My kids and I deserve better than what he is. I will not put my kids through what he went through growing up,not when I see what he has become. He isn't close with his dad and his dad drives him crazy, I want my boys to grow up close to their dad. As of right now that's not going ot happen. Beer comes first,not his family.
I don't really know what my question is. I just wanted to get all this off my chest. Sooo did counseling for you (if yoiu had an addicted spouse ) help you deal better?
Thanks ladies! I do want to say there is no physical abuse at all. Yes emotional/mental. He is highly functioning. He works hard for us but feels entitled to drink every nite. I also have to say I tell him everyday I hate that he drinks. He does something pretty gross everyonce in a while( I can't even write it because that will open up a whole new subject..it's not porn) when he is really loaded or hasn't eaten. He will go months without doing this than it will happen like repeatedly. He doesn't do it on purpose but it's gross. Well it's the third time this week and I got mad...and that is why I dumped the beer out this morning. I also will not dump it out every morning because I don't want to fight over his drinking but sometimes I get fed up. I go the first week of october for my first appointtment.
For those who reccomend I leave I have no where to go. No job. No car(looking for new one my trani went a coupple weeks ago) and I am not uprooting my kids. He wouldn't leave if I serously asked either. He is not violent and my only problem with my marrraige is his drinking. If he didn't I wouldn't have much to complain about ebverything else is just petty crap that I don't sweat.
I have never been where you are, but I want to say GOOD FOR YOU!! You are doing the right thing for you and your family. Sending you prayers and thoughts as you continue to be a pillar of strength for you and your family!!
I am answering this as a child who had an alcoholic father and a mother that stayed w/him until my senior year of high school, and my bro was already in college. I love my father, but for many years couldn't stand him. He was a violent drunk ( not to us, but he would throw things and punch holes in walls). At one point or another he embarrassed my brother and I in front of our friends. When he was not drinking he was fine and we went fishing, shopping etc. I grew to resent my mom for staying. She thought she did what was best for us and always tried to minimize his rants. I feel that all around we would have been happier, if they had separated when we were young. Although he continued to drink until a few yrs before his death, once they divorced our relationship with him got better. ( he had a lot of demons to deal with) I got to spend the quality/good times w/him but did not have to go when he was drunk. As I had children, he was became a great grandfather, whom my DD adored. Also they have support groups for kids of alcoholics, take them, it helps to have ppl who can relate. Good Luck!
My EX spouse was not convinced he was an alcoholic. I went to al-anon meetings.The people there are wonderful and help you to make better decisions for your life and family. I learned to be strong and that I didn't need him. I moved on and we are both better for it!
Eventually, he's going to have to decide. It's either his family, or the alcohol.
You're doing the right thing. Go to that counselor. Start leaving brochures for treatment centers and Alcoholics Anonymous all over the house. Put them into cards.
Try to remember the man you fell in love with. I know it's hard, but you loved this man once. Think of the reasons you did. That man might just come back if he can get treatment and get sober. If you can see that possibility, tell him how much you want it.
I am sending positive thoughts your way. You and your children DESERVE to have a husband and father who will care more for you than beer. He knows this, but the addiction has caused him to misalign his priorities. I know that he can get sober, and I know that you can handle this and find love in your heart for him again.
Wishing you the very best of luck and positive thoughts for your counseling and your family.
I haven't been there, but have been following your story... and just wanted to send you a virtual hug. Please keep coming here and venting whenever you need to if it helps. Congrats to you for signing up with a counselor. That is a great and wonderful step!
It's great that you have started to reach out for help, and counseling may be really helpful for you. Also, you probably would benefit at least as much from going to Al-Anon meetings (for relatives and friends of alcoholics), where you will find other people struggling with the same issues. Living with people who are abusing a chemical has big effects on us, and a Twelve Step program like Al-Anon can give lots of support and tools for dealing with the situation. He'll get sober ONLY when he decides for himself that he needs to (no, you can't send him to Alcoholics Anonymous, though you can call the AA hotline to talk to someone about whether there are any appropriate ways to make him aware that AA exists). Now it's time for you to help yourself. Wishing you lots of strength and luck with traveling the road ahead--you are not alone!
Yikes M., this is terrible! If it were me, I'd be packed and gone. Pouring out his beer every night is only going to make him hide it and/or drink even more so it isn't "wasted". He will probably get even worse. My mom was a single parent and had a lot of boyfriends and parties in our home when I was growing up. Lots of drunk males in the house. I mostly spent my childhood locking myself in my room so I didn't have to be around any of them. Made me realize at a young age that not only will I not drink, but neither will my boyfriends and especially husband. I have stuck with this and have never been drunk nor been with anyone who has. My husband knows that excessive drinking is one of my "deal breakers" and there will be NO discussion, but immediate filing for divorce if he is ever drunk. It really is that simple. I'm sorry you are going thru this. I hope the counceling will help you figure out what you need to do that is best for you and your kids. Good luck.
M.,
I have family members who have addictions. You are right.
YOU cannot help him, save him or change him. You already know that. He needs to save himself. Enabling is a powerful thing. Don't enable him, lie for him, cover for him or sugar coat things.
I'm glad you're going to talk to a counselor--that's GREAT!
If you can (i know you have 3 kids) get out of the house, PLEASE find an Alanon meeting. It will help and support you in a huge way:
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/local-meetings
The responsibility for his addiction and the consequences of his actions belong squarely on HIS shoulders, not yours.
Best, best, best of luck & I pray for strength for you.
I'm glad you've taken this step for yourself. It's important. What I would suggest, though, is not being combative with him, okay? I completely understand the anger. I really and truly do.
What I would do right now is try not to lash out at him. Focus your energies on caring for yourself and the children. The stress and anger isn't good for your pregnancy and the children will pick up on it. Release what you can in the counseling sessions.
Do you have a plan of action? Is there a chance that if he gets sober you'll remain in the marriage? Or is the marriage over with this decision to no longer accept this situation? If you plan to separate, then perhaps sooner is better than later for the sake of the kids not being around him when he's drunk since you consider him in his drunken state to be damaging (as opposed to a functional drunk). Especially since he doesn't believe there's a problem.
He needs motivation to get sober. It's possible that he'll get sober for himself if he realizes that he has something to lose.
Counseling is awesome. It helps you see things in ways you never did before. It prepares you to face and handle and embrace your own emotions. It can give you the tools and skills you need to move forward. I know you have suffered much through his alcoholism but would it be possible to separate his actions from how you feel about him. I know you hate his actions but do you really hate the father of your children? That is a very harsh stance to take but may be necessary at this time for selfperservation.
He must come to the end of himself sooner than later so he can face his own alcoholic demons. Good for you getting the help you need. The kids need help too because you don't know how they are processing the dynamics of watching all of this. Break this cycle for them and take your time and work it through. You don't know what the future holds but change will come since you are begining to be an agent of change in your own life.
Prepare for the worse while hoping for the best. That would put you in a good place for yourself and your kids. I hope this makes sense and is helpful. I will be praying for you all.
