Support for Possible Alcohol Problem(husband)

Hi,

First of all I want to say that I am sorry you are having to go through something like this. I know how hard it must be. I have never been a victom of anything like this, but I know and have several friends that have. Al-Anon is a GREAT program. They focus on famailes and help rebulid after something like this has been infecting a family. They also have personal sponsors and support groups. Go to google and type in Al-Anon they have a web site. Good Luck! I hope you find the help you need. If you ever need anyone to talk to feel free to send me a message anytime.

T.

Hi! My husband is a recovering alcoholic and has been sober now for 4 1/2 years. First, you need to remember that it his choice about his recovery- in the end, there is nothing you can do to make him change. Do all you can to encourage him to get help- but more importantly seek help and support for yourself. AA, Al-Anon are both good. My husband and I went through something called Celebrate Recovery, which is a Christ-centered 12 step program based on the Bible and the same 12 steps that AA uses. I myself spent a lot of time in denial about my issues- my main ones being co-dependency and anger. I tried to "hide" his problem with drinking from my family- I pretended like everything was ok. So- I applaud you for seeking help. Recovery is a tough and long journey and I would highly encourage you to go through the process as well- your marriage will be so much better for it!

I understand where your husband is coming from, I come from a long line of alcoholics, and I beleive that I would be an alcoholic right now if it wasn't for my mother stepping in about 4 months ago, and all it took was one lesture. She told me that someone has to break the chain, and she asked me if I really wanted my two kids to have the same problem as me and my dad and all of my aunts and uncles and grandparents. I told her heck no of course, she said that since my dad didn't break the chain, I am now suffering, but if i break the chain now and stop then there is a chance my kids could see that they are being raised by nondrinkers and not even want to drink. My husband is very bad at enableing me, he has calmed down now but a month or two ago is was bad about asking me if I want him to stop and get me a 12 pack or a pint before we go home when he knew that I was trying to quit drinking and it was a problem for me. You see the more I drink the less emotion I have to disagree with him for anything, that's why he liked me to drink. So I had to do it on my own, I have seen my mother all my life give my dad altimatumes and trust me that don't work, if someone tells you not to do something , well that just makes you want to do it that much more. The only advice I can give you is try to persuade him that the kids are going to go down that same path if he doesn't stop while they are young enough to grow up knowing that his parents don't drink. And just change the subject and distract him when he says he sure would like to have a beer or drink . Ask him if he would like to help you take the kids to the park or go camping some weekend and get him talking about camping or fishing or whatever he is into. I hope that you have helped some, and Good Luck.

My father is an alcoholic and his father and uncle both died of alcohol related problems when they were 60. My dad is 58. I understand your fear there. If your husband isn't willing to admit to his problem and get help, there is very little you can do for him. If he is, there are several options for him. There are church run programs, inpatient programs, outpatient counseling and group counseling. Watch the newspaper because they usually have group meetings posted. He will need to find the type of recovery program that he feels comfortable with so that it will work better. You can call any of the professional counseling places and they will be able to point you in the right direction. As for you and your kids, even if your husband doesn't seek help, you can. There are Al Anon programs that are designed for the families of alcoholics. I don't know much about them other than they are out there. I pray that you can talk to your husband in a nonconfrontational way about your worries. It may be enough to jolt him off the path he's heading down. Let him know that you are worried because you don't want to lose him. That your kids want and need him. Just don't accuse. That often drives a wedge between the alcoholic and the family. I'm sure he'll feel enough shame and remorse on his own. Give him love and support. I hope that your situation turns out for the best.

The premier organization for alcohol problems is Alaon and their 12 step program. Many unite or circles are found in churches. Soooooooo go see you priest or pastor

I'm praying for you. I am the daughter of an alcoholic so I know that aspect. AL-ANON helps. I pray that somebody can give you other help. Know that this puts your children at risk for addictions and dependences, too. The percentage goes up for each relative who is addicted. Feel free to contact me any time. L.

We have alcohol problems in my family too. I have lost an Aunt and an Uncle. Two of their three children have drinking problems too. I myself give up alcohol when ever I have to handle particularly stressful issues, in an effort to avoid developing a problem. You should find support for yourself first. You will need the stength to deal with whats coming, support when you decide to comfront him and as he moves thru his healing. Lots of counseling is available for free or on a sliding scale. Start in your local phone book or on-line for organizations like alanon or aa. Please feel free to contact me for support as well.
Good Luck, you are doing the right thing reaching out.

I have been a member of Alanon since 1982 and find it an invaluable resource for direction. If you can find a good group (some are better than others) with mature people that can help direct you and from whom you can hear their "experience strength and hope" you will feel better and have support. They are usually in the phone book under AA or alanon. Hope this is helpful to you! Remember to trust your gut feelings!
B. S.

Hello,
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I am the daughter of a recovering alcoholic. He has been sober now for almost 20 years. My mom was near her wits end by the time my dad stopped. I could see this even as a 9 year old. My mom was uneducated and the mother of 3 children. She had no choice but to stay. She went to nursing school and got a job to support us and told him she wanted out. I remember how excited I was at a chance to not be around him and his drinking anymore. He stopped cold turkey the day after she asked him for a divorce and has never drank again. This is because you never would have been able to convince my dad to go to AA. We never went to Al-Anon either, although I know we should have. We all have issues from his drinking, my mom included. She has been married to my dad for 33 years and still resents him being an absent part of our lives due to his drinking. My oldest brother doesn't spend much time with my dad and my other brother is also an alcoholic. I still have issues with him not being there for me when I was young. So, even if he is unwilling to seek help, I implore you to seek counseling for you and especially those precious children. They see his actions and will remember them forever. You have no idea what kind of impact this will have on them in the long run! I hope some of this helps. God bless you and your family!!

I know this may be hard to hear, but, there is nothing you can do to help your husband. he has to want help and do it for himself. I will suggest that you check out www.alanon.org. I was married to a crack addict for 13 years and I know alanon saved mine and my children from a life of hell. I learned that I was both the victim and the enabler. You can change nothing but yourself. Please for you and your children, find an alanon meeting. Sit in, listen, you don't have to say a thing. just listen, and before you know it you will find your and your children's life less of a living hell. take it from someone who's been there!

Great suggestions so far, and also Al-Anon has online email lists that you can get onto -- just in case the actual meetings where you live are not convenient for you. Many times they are held in the evenings during the week, and that is not always conducive for your leaving the kids. I'm thinking it'd be on the al-anon website.

Or, do you have Employee Assistance through your or your husband's work? That's free for a certain # of visits with a professional counselor. Just another way you and your family can get help!

Best of luck - I am sorry you are having to go through this, but hang in there and just keep doing what is right for you and the kids.

Focus on the Family has an excellent website for additions. I believe it's purelife.com. You can surf the net by typing in your key phrase and search that way, too. I'm praying for you and family. P.

My husband attends the Celebrate Recovery group at a local church. They offer help and encouragement for families with addiction issues as well as codependency, depression, etc. My husband had a drug problem following back surgery and absolutely loves the support and biblical principals of the Celebrate Recovery program. He never misses a meeting. I've been in your situation and will be praying for your family. Feel free to contact me anytime!

I have found Al-Anon to be the best resource for any family member or concerned friend of someone abusing alcohol. You can find groups near year by googleing online or find a online group the same way. I have also found Celebrate Recovery to be a great group for both the one with the problem with alcohol and want help and their loved one. You can also find local groups online. Celebrate Recovery has a group in Madison, Decatur and Athens AL. Look them up online for a group in your area.

Hi Love!

I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this! Parenting and coping with alcoholism is a pretty tough task.

I really think that AA is the best program. I know lots of people have problems with the "higher power" part or have just, as heavy drinkers, developed a negative view of it, but having actual people you can meet with and talk to can't be beat. The hard part will probably be getting him to go (you didn't give any indication of his willingness), but maybe the family history will help him face what's going on. You might try getting some books (or websites) together that show how the physical addiction works. So many people still (sadly) believe that alcoholism is somehow a character flaw. Even some therapists are woefully uninformed about the biological processes involved. There are lots of books, too, about how different people relate to AA and make it work for them.

If you think your husband just won't be open to AA, you can try online groups like Smart Recovery, but I think a cybercommunity just doesn't compare (no offense, Mamasource!).

I, too, have heard great things about Al-Anon (for you). Again, I think it helps not to feel alone.

If you want to talk more privately, send me a reply!

Good luck & hang it there,

L.

Try neurofeedback. It's hugely effective for addictions and alcoholism. Even if your husband isn't totally committed to going sober, doing neurofeedback just kills the interest in the object of addiction, so he just won't feel like drinking. Not for the buzz, anyway.

It works by re-wiring the activity in the brain that is associated with addiction. No or few, very mild, side effects (some of which can be positive ones!), absolutely harmless, drug-free, and pretty cheap (definitely cheaper than all that alcohol!).

Look for a neurofeedback clinic in your area. You can also find tapes, cds andmp3s at brainsync.com and hemisync.com (might be brain-sync, hemi-sync, don't remenmber abd baby wants the nmouse!

Really. Get him to do it. It will work.
L.