Young Mommy Seeking Advice

Little ones don't have much control over their lives so "no" is said a lot just to have some control and independence.
I've always found it helpful to try to avoid yes or no questions when possible.
Example:
If dressing is battle; Instead of asking or saying it's time to get dressed, hold up two shirts and ask which one he wants to wear.

Lunch time battle? Ask if he wants to eat chicken or a grilled cheese (what ever he likes to eat, you get the point :))

Be calm and patient, this stage is normal and will pass.

A.

I think it is wonderful that you are seeking advice. Every mother (young or old) struggles with behavioral issues. I highly recommend 1, 2, 3 Magic by Thomas Phelan. This is a book, VHS, DVD. Check your local library for a copy. It was wonderful for us when our first child hit the 2 to 2.5 year old mark.

My biggest advice may sound simple, but it's hard to do all the time....DO WHAT YOU SAY.

If you say "time to brush your teeth", you'd better be prepared to take a screaming, kicking 2 year old into the bathroom and brush their teeth against their will.

My girlfriend said "no more cookies" to her 4-year old. He took another one and walked away. She sat their and didn't do anything. This boy was one of the most ill-behaved kids I know, and I know why.

If you are not willing to enforce what you say, don't say anything. Hey, if you say it's OK to have another cookie, go right ahead. But don't say "no" and not be ready to get up and take it away.

It's exhausting to be a good parent (much easier to be a lazy one). I cringe when I hear parents say "we are going to leave this store/party/pool right now". You know they will not follow through with those threats.

Do not threaten something you will not do, and always-always enforce everything you say, even the little things. I am very careful what I say to my kids. When I do threaten something, they know I mean it and straighten up.

Good luck and strength for all the times you'll be getting up to attend to your son.

You are right, it is totally normal for him to be doing this. He's starting to realize that he has some control over his environment and is probably having a great time experimenting with it.

Eventhough it seems like he doesn't want rules, he really does. I would suggest to be consistent in your rules and you have to win those battles, especially those that are for his own safety. Consistency is key - he needs to know what is expected of him and that there will be consequences (i.e. time out, toys taken away, no cartoons, etc - whatever his "currency" is).

But also, give him choices when you can - it will make him feel like he is in control. For example, show him 2 shirts you approve of and ask him to pick the one he wants, or give him a choice between two fruits with lunch etc, as often as you can. Simple choices like this (between two things) can help give him a sense of control over his environment, hopefully make life easier for both of you.

Good luck!

Hi A.,

The terrible twos can be pretty awful, but they're also so cute at that age. Try to enjoy the cute part and make sure he knows that "No" means "no". To find things to do with your son, check out my website www.kidwinks.com. You can go to the Events Calendar to click on a day and find out what's going on throughout the Chicago area for kids; you can visit the Ongoing Activities section and click through the categories along the left to find something that appeals to you; or if you're heading out to eat, you can use our Kids Eat Free Calendar in the Restaurants section to find where kids eat free or cheap on any given day. If you become a member, which is free, you can then sort any of these results in order of distance from your house, write reviews, and set email reminders for any of the upcoming events on our calendar.

I hope this helps. Hang in there!

J.

On top of what others are saying, never end a statement with an "ok" or a question in your voice - ex. "Jimmy, you need to put your toys away, ok?" Then they think they have a choice. Also, don't be real vague like "put your toys away", instead be specific and say "Jimmy, I need you to put your blocks in this bucket", and help him so it's not so overwhelming. Use natural and logical consequences - time out doesn't work so well. Do a google search for how to use them. Also, kids do best in an environment that is safe to explore without a lot of "no's" - it's hard not to say no all the time, but try to say things positively when you need to. Ex - instead of don't stand on the couch, you can say, "Jimmy, you need to sit down, please" or "put your feet on the floor".

As far as activities go, try story hour at the library, swimming, playgroups (try meetup.com), find some indoor play places. If you live near Oak Park, I can send you a lot of info on places to go.

Hi, A.,

Ever since he was born, your son started to separate from you. At two, he has realized he is an independant being, separate from you, and wants to assert this newly gained independence. He will do the opposite of what you say just to prove he is different, even if it means resigning something he really wants (I remember, in my toddler class, offering a food item to a child, the toddler would say "no, thank you", and as I walked away, he'd complain because he really wanted the treat, but when I offered again, he would still say "no").
Also, "no" is a very powerful word and your son is experimenting with the reactions he gets from using it.
My advice to you would be to pick your battles. If you confront him every time, you end up with power struggles. At each negative, ask yourself: "is this really important?". If the answer is no, then don't insist. For example, if he refuses to wear a jacket in a cold winter day, you know there's no room for negotiation because a jacket is necessary. But if he refuses to wear the shirt you're offering and wants a different one (which maybe doesn't match his pants) I would let him choose the one he wants.

For more parenting advice, I'd like to invite you to join my parent-child program. Check it out at www.growingimpressions.org and plan to attend my upcoming open house.

And remember to enjoy each day with your toddler. There's no such thing as the terrible twos. I like to call it the fantastic twos, since it's an age of so much discovery and excitement.

Good luck!

V.

A.,
I am right there with you! I couldn't believe how hard it was for me to address my child with statements rather than questions, but I've finally got it down. For example, instead of asking "Do you want breakfast?" Tell them, "It's breakfast time. We're going to eat now." Another tip that is working for me is giving a heads'up on activity changing rather than abrupt stop and starts. For example, when it's time to end bath, I give her a 5 minute warning, then a 1 minute warning. If she's not ready to transition, I do a countdown from 5-1 so she knows a transition is coming. Finally, my doctor (mom of 3) recommend that rather than me say "No" to her, I continually say what she can do. For example, if she is standing on the couch I say "Couches are for sitting. If you want to stand, you'll have to stand on the floor" and I move her to the floor. I wonder if she hears "No" from me on just a few occasions, it will resonate more when she hears it all the time and she'll be less apt to use it herself? If all that fails, play silly faces to make them laugh. At this stage, distraction still works.

I have 4 kids and taught kindergarten before my kiddos. Here are my main "rules" for parents to have great kids.

Do not ask your children questions---use statements
not "pick up your toys, okay?" say, "pick up your toys, please"

Kids want to feel in "control"---give them choices to make them feel like they are.
"Do you want this red cup or blue cup", "yellow shirt or orange shirt"

Follow through. If you say you can't watch Diego, if you don't get dressed---then NO Diego.

Kids want attention. Spend 10-15 min. reading, playing a game, then they will give you 15-20 to do laundry etc. Alternate activities with the child and then you.

Good luck, and remember everyone has "those" days. But make sure that you are having more good days than bad days. Kids really do want to be disciplined, hope these tips are a good start!

Angenlina, I agree with others. He is being normal. I think it's also important to prioritze rules and don't expect behavior that isn't really age-appropriate (I know it can be hard to tell what is). For instance, lay down the law on safety and violent behavior. But for other issues, use distraction or re-directed play, rather than saying no. For example, we have a 22-month old that loves to play with his food. We let him play until it starts getting too messy, and then we remove his food and send him to find a toy. I have also found that if I expect everything (diaper changes, getting dressed, eating, falling asleep) to take a long time, psychologically I'm more prepared if it does take a long time, and I get less frustrated with him and have more patience. It seems like forever, but it will pass!

The terrible two's can be a trying time. But it is temporary. The most important thing I found was to be consistent (and to follow through). Start to teach your son about consequences - good and bad. (i.e. if you clean up without arguing, we'll have time to read a book) Make sure you understand what you expect from your son and then make sure your son knows what you expect. And choose my battles. Remember discipline is about teaching, not punishing.

Also, make sure to have fun with your son, too. Spend time bonding with him, not just reprimanding him.

Good luck!

dear friend ive the same problem,, sometimes i let go his NOs and theni tell him i will u a time out do u want it?? he listens,, and leaves,,, try this way . where as activities is concerned i tellhim go give the plastic toys to bath or any other???

It doesn't matter what age you are you are mom and don't let the terrible twos bother you or your age. First, I think there are a couple of important things in raising children: what you say, mean it. Do not say if you do this bad thing you will not get an icecream if you then waver and get the ice cream later. It is mixed messages. If you say it, mean it. Do not give an example of something extremely out of reach to use as a consequence such as you won't go to Disneyland if you don't put your toys away. What does a two year old understand about Disneyland? He/she understands the toy they love might be taken away. So often we just say things (oh believe me many years of trying to figure this out) and we are just pulling out straws. Children need security and they actually want you to say no since they did not get born with a set of rules in their body. They have instinct but not always on target. Now this 'no' stuff all the time. They all seem to do that. They are just waiting for you to cave in. I swear. They plot this all night. Just kidding. They don't even know what that means themselves all the time. And remember you can say 'no' louder. Enjoy baby and don't wish to be older too fast. It happens...no matter what we do and then there will be the terrible teens.

I highly recommend 1,2,3 Magic. It is a book. I started counting 1,2,3 when my kids were little and still use it at age 12. IT WORKS!!!

Hi A.,
when I was going through simmilar things with my then 2 and 3 year olds someone suggested the book 123 magic. I read it and never looked back! It is really a great tool, super helpful and I highly recommend it. Hope this helps!
Have a great day!
M.