HELP. I Am a New Mom Again After 20 Years. My Nerves Are Shot...

A., first of all good for you!! Sounds like she is keeping you young. My only advice, and I have a 2.5 year old who is completely stubborn as well is....BREATHE..... and then laugh!! It won't last forever :)

I suggest a Time-Out Chair. Let this sweet one know when she talks back or mis-behaves she will have to sit in the Time Out Chair for hawever many minutes you decide, and use a timer, so she knows when the bell rings she is allowed to leave that chair. Also, she should tell you "Sorry" when she leaves that chair. I teach Sunday School to Preschoolers from the age of 2 1/2 to 4 and this method is effective. The child needs to know what they did wrong in the first place, spend some time thinking about it and then acknowledge their "wrong" with an apology. Hope this helps!

Hello A.,

Have you read the book 1-2-3 Magic Effective Discipline for Children 2-12? The author is Thomas Phelan. It may have some helpful tips for you. I wish you the best.

The twos can be a challange. Sounds like she is trying to assert her own opinions and wants.
To help avoid aguements try giving choices instead of giving orders. ie."Do you want to go to the park now or after a snack?" "Would you like carrots or broccoli with lunch" "Do you want to wear the blue dress or red shirt and jeans" "Can you put your clothes on or would you like help?"
When she argues with an answer given to her tell her "You asked my opinion, but you are welcome to yours" or ask her why she feels you are wrong and what she thinks is the correct answer.
My daughter went thru this as well. They DO grow out of the arguementatve stage but my daughter is still very opinionated and strong willed. I've learned how to talk to her to make her feeled empowered and still get her to do what I need her to do.
Hope this helps.

Hi A.: Take a deep breath... it's not called the "terrible twos" for nothing. Some of the behavior is normal. You might try beating her to her own punchline: when you ask her a question, immediately say "No, it's not", then laugh and hug her. She can learn that positive attention is better. When she throws a fit when you are going to do something you know she really wants to do, let it go, Mom. Don't get into a power struggle. You're in charge... simply say, "We will go another day when things are better", and let it go. In the twos, they constantly test; they're trying to find the line so that are always pushing it. Tell her you love her, give her a hug, then a toy or book, deep breathe and go to another room. I would highly recommend against ANY argument with her and you have the power to do that. Good luck. C. S.

Hey A.! It's M. from MOMS club. WOW! I too am having a HORRIBLE time with Ronan!! Of course this isn't my second time around though. But MAN, daipers, car rides, EVERYTHING!!! He is very strong willed as well. I dread getting up in the morning. Isn't that sad? I love him, but he's impossible. It can take 1/2 hour of physical struggle to get a daiper on him. Forget about clothes, I've stopped trying for the most part. He says no to everything I suggest. I've stopped asking and just tell him. All I know is that these stupid phases pass eventually. Hang in there! Glad to know I'm not alone.

Hello A.,
I sure could relate to what you are saying. I think that two year olds are created to frustate and block everything you try to do. They are very good at it. Of course your daughter is just being incredibly age appropriate. Sure is frustrating.
FIrst things first. You are a GOOD mom. You just probably don't remember your first daughter's power struggles and attempts at autonomy because you are exhausted.
Second: Get some good sleep. Even if you have to ask the neighbor to sit with your daughter in the middle of the afternoon. The more rested you are, the better you can deal with the frustration.
Third: Remember that your daugther if just learning how to express herself with limited language, and limited emtional behaviour. Until she learns more, and gets a bit older, she is going the best she can. What she is doing is universal. We have all gone through this.
Fourth: Remember diversion? "Oh, little baby, look at the puppy out the window" when she is reaching for the glass vase?
Same thing here, when you sense the pending tantrum.
Fifth: Offer tons of choices. Would you like to hop to the car on one foot, or walk backwards? Can you sing Twinkle star three times while I change your diaper? Would you like me to put your clothes on while you are upside down, or do you want to put them on yourself?
Sixth: When you have had a chance to rest and catch your breath, and remember that this too shall pass, you might want to get this book: Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood: Practical Parenting from Birth to Six Years: Jim Fay,Charles Fay. I truly believe that this book single handedly, helped me save my 41 year old sanity. It is just an amazing book. I loved it so much and it was so helpful, if you can't find it I will send you my copy.
Good luck!!!

Sorry I dont have time to respond on the discipline issue but I just wanted to fill you in in something I learned over the last 9 yrs. Most important thing is to take care of yourself! I only have one child as my first was like yours and I allowed myself to get tired and frazzled. Now I find myself facing severe health problems mainly due to stress and lack of sleep for so many yrs. Do not allow this to happen to you. Above all else-- resolve to stay calm and peaceful. The rest WILL work out.Take care.

SIDE NOTE: we finally found out our son had "Sensory Integration Dysfunction" when he was in first grade.

Yes, she's baiting you, so next time, she says, "No, it's not," shrug your shoulders and say, "Okay, it's not." At 2, it's all about trying to figure out how much power you have in the world (okay maybe that stage NEVER ends, I still see grown-ups trying to figure that out, but I digress). Your daughter is just trying to see how much of a rise she can get out of you/how much power she has over you, so DON'T react. Let her say, "No, it's not" and whine all she wants to. Then set a limit. Tell her, "If you keep whining, we're not going to the park." Then, follow through, don't take her to the park and when she throws a tantrum, put her in a soft safe space, close the door and tell her when she's calm and ready to talk like a big girl you can talk more. And maybe tomorrow if she doesn't whine, you can go to the park. If she doesn't want to get dressed, leave her in her PJs all day. Or, if you feel embarrassed about walking down the street with a child in her PJ's ask her what she wants to wear, then help her change. If it's inappropriate attire for the weather, tell her, "Alright, you can wear this for now, but when we go outside, you need to put on a jacket." Good luck, they don't call them the trying twos for no reason. (BTW, be careful about labeling your daughter as deviant, the only thing she's deviating from, is what you want her to do, and I imagine there will be lots of times when your daughters will not do exactly what you want them to do. Your daughter is just exploring her world, testing her limits, so give her some limits, enough to give her solid boundaries and keep her safe, but choices to choose how she behaves, what she wears, where she goes and doesn't go and make her feel like she has SOME control over this crazy world, but not ALL the control).

My daughter totally went through that phase, we are just getting out of it. She just turned three. On her birthday she said to me, "Mom, i am three now. I am going to be gooder." And she has. We have a few tantrums here and there, but nothing like it was...so all i can say is it will pass!!! Just hang it there. I never figured out how to get her to cooperate. I am sure you are being an awesome mom. One thing that did work is counting. After i tell her two times, then i start counting. If i get to three and she hasn't done what i asked, she had to put her nose on the wall for 10 seconds. It worked for us. I got it out of the book 1 2 3 magic.
Good luck!

When she responds "No it's not." try asking her why she feels that way. "Why do you say that?" Turn the tables on her to come up with the explanation. YOu might find out why she thinks the way she does or you might get her to think about things a bit. Either way, I think it is worth a try.

Hi A.,
I have a 3 1/2 year old girl who does the same thing. I have sought out advice from other moms, books, internet and nurse practicioners. My advice is: Only give her TWO choices with certain things, like: "I have to go to the bank and the grocery store today. Where do you think we should go first?", another example, "Would you like to where the red shirt or the green shirt, these are the only choices I am giving you right now?" "would you like pancakes or waffles?" She wants control of everything (and I completely understand since my daughter is just like her dad). The books I can suggest are "ToddlerWise" and "The everything parents guide to positive discipline" book. It is very important to remember that you have to change yourself first before you tackle handing (not changing) your daughter. I know that sounds strange, but we have to remember to change our behavior (as a mom) first so we are more equiped to handle other people's behavior. Good luck

My son is 3 & has always been strong-willed - he kicked his way out 5 weeks early - broke my water & has been on the go ever since.
I think the "No it's not" is your daughter discovering the power of words & she's found something that affects you. Try making a silly game out of it - like replying " Yessssss it issssss, SSSSillllly!" that always made my son laugh - make sure your tone of voice is sweet & silly - think Minnie Mouse.
My son HATES transitioning to a new activity - even if it's something he enjoys like bath time. i stopped taking it personally, and started warning him - in 10 mintues it's bath-time, I'm going to go start your bath now...etc. etc. he still runs & hides but it has become a game most of the time. I just pick him up over my shoulder like a bag of rice if he runs without saying anything & then when we get to the new activity I set him down like nothing happened and talk him through what we're doing. He has learned that Mommy does what she says & there's no arguing. I tell him we can do this the fun way if he listenes and cooperates or we can do thins the hard way if he doesn't - BUT we are going to do it!!
Good Luck!!
A.

Hi, A.. Being a mom is never easy, and you should be easier on yourself first off! My only advice is a few books that I have loved reading to help with my "terrible two" behavior:

Kids are worth it, by Barbara Coloroso
and
How to talk so kids will listen & listen so kids will talk, by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish

These have helped me because what I needed was a WHOLE new take on the situation, not just a quick fix for a certain behavior. And I have to say, since putting into practice some of the stuff from the second book (How to talk.), I have heard "I love you, mommy" twice in two days, and had more cooperation than ever! Best of luck, M.

Greatest book -- Raising a Strong Willed Child -- James Dobson. Find it to be the very best resource for this.

Hang in there mom!
D

Check out the book, Setting Boundaries with your Strong Willed Child, I like their parenting advice. Also, practice anger managment techniques, for your own sanity, and to find ways to step back when your nerves are getting frayed. I have TWO very strong willed kids, I sympathize! There are ways to help them channel all that willpower into something constructive. Good luck!

Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child Is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic (Paperback, 1992) Other Editions...
Author: Mary Sheedy Kurcinka
That book as made a huge difference for me. Your daughter sounds just like mine... mine's now 10. I lived through it. : )

Hi A.,
I also have a strong willed daughter (now 7) and seems she does like to argue with me just to argue. I have heard though, that at 2 years old they don't have the capacity to have those underlying intentions of deviancy. Have you tried a sticker chart for minor accomplishments (diaper changes, getting dressed, etc.) without struggles? You choose how many she needs to earn before taking her to the dollar store to pick out a toy. Do you have support from family or friends nearby that could give you a break from time to time? Even an hour once a day to have to yourself would help with your patience level tremendously. I used to have a neighbors 10 year old daughter come over after school to play with my daughter for an hour while I stayed upstairs in my room for some alone time. I hope you get some good advice.

Oh A.--bless both your hearts!! I am also starting all over, my older two are 23(g) and 19(b). I have a 10 month old grandson who is actually older than his aunt, who is my new baby girl, 6 months old (born on my 42nd birthday). My older daughter didn't have a defiant day in her life and if I ever did have problems out of her she was always remorseful and NEVER talked back to me in all her 23 years. Now THIS ONE -- I can already tell she's going to be different. At 6 monts old she is SO BOSSY and really will not accept not having her way. I read your request and saw myself a year and a half from now with this one -- I know it's coming!

Just wanted to tell you I'm totally relating to you...NOW I'm going to feed off your page for a little while and read all the responses you got so maybe I can be a little more prepared!! LOL

Good Luck, don't forget to post an update! :o)

My six year old is like that. You need to read the specialty books..."Raising your spirited child" and "Try and make me!", but it is still a long haul!

Choose your battles wisely!

Our daughter is a handful and gets in trouble quite a bit, but we are consistent. She has chosen to live and learn the hard way and that is her choice. It is our job to help her see the right way.

Best of luck!

questions: Kids always go through a phase of no and why. It is an independence thing. Does she get to play with other children? By the way, she is bating you!!!!!!!!!

deviancy: Say NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Don't let the child run the show.
It gets harder and harder as you let time slip by and she is able to run your life.
Stick by your decisions until she gets it.

Hi, sounds like you have a very bright little girl on your hands. There are great books on parenting by Dr. T. Berry Brazilton, that may help. the reward system often works better then punishment. If she is good and gets ready with out fighting she can have a sticker on her chart, Then after so many stickers she can have a special treat. I think she is probably very smart and it will take a lot of creativity on your part to raise her, but at two she is not bad, she is too young to understand the effect of her behavior, so I don't think she could possibly be bating you.
Good luck
J.

Hi. I had the same problem with my daughter for the longest time. It was really hard and emotionally draining. I felt like I was always being mean. I found this book at the book store and it really helped. It's called How to Behave so Your Children Will Too. by Sal Severe. She also has a How to Behave so Your Preeschooler Will too. I know your daughter is only two, but in the book it can relate to todler years to teen years. It made a great difference for me. Good luck

HI! I have a 11 month old daughter, but I baby-sit a 5 yr old girl that sounds just like your daughter! This is what I do and it has work for me. I give her a time-out. Make her sit in a chair and talk to her calmly. If she argues with you, tell her that she will get a time-out if she doesn't stop arguing with you. Also, if feeding her lunch and/or dinner and she doesn't eat all of it, tell her she will not get desert. It does sound like she is bating you, but don't let her know that she is getting her way. Also, you can tell her that she is going to bed early or she will not be able to play with her toys. Time-outs has works for me. Although the 5 yr old still argues with me, time-outs do come in handy.
I hope this works!

Read "The Strong-willed Child" by Dr. James Dobson. Great book with lots of helpful information. I really liked it.

Sounds familiar!! My boys were SO easy compared to my daughter so I started reading every book I could. "Raising Your Spirited Child" helped me understand her behavior although I was unable to impose the type of schedules the book suggested. Then I read a couple of the "Love and Logic" books, which when I use the techniques, help immensely!

My daughter likes to be or at least feel like she's "in control" and autonomous. Love and Logic teaches you how to offer your daughter choices that really help you to get the kind of behavior you want from her.

For instance, my daughter has not enjoyed getting dressed in the morning and going to daycare, especially on Mondays. There is no problem with the daycare...I have checked MANY times...it's just her way of letting us know that she prefers family time. On Mondays I let her know that she will be going to daycare and I talk to her about her friends, the songs they might sing and the projects they might do...sometimes reminding of projects, foods or songs she has enjoyed. She complains through this until I hit on something she is interested in. Then I pick out two outfits and ask her to choose one; hair in ponys, braids or down and pretty (allows me to brush) and sometimes I will let her "help" blowdry my hair; offer two different shoe choices, jackets, etc. We also let her know a few minutes in advance that we will be leaving in 5 minutes. If I need to stop somewhere after I pick her up from daycare, I let her know and tell her something fun about doing whatever errand it is that we have to do. If she complains about going home, we talk about who is at the house...the dog, daddy, her brothers or a toy or activity she enjoys at home.

I don't like people dictating to me or pushing me around and telling me what to do. I think some little girls are very advanced in this type of thinking. If you let her feel like she is more in control, you will both be happier. Beleive me, we still have our moments when we are in a hurry or something, but I try to give options (sometimes the 2nd option is time in her room to think about things) or I let her know what will be fun for her about whatever errand we have to do. Check out these books...it will be a lifesaver!

Hi A.,
It sounds like your daughter just wants to be right which is fine really. When she says no it's not then just agree with her and see what happens. Or...if she asks you a question tell her you don't know and ask her if maybe she knows. It's ok to say I'm not sure or maybe you are right instead of debating with a 2 year old. Keep reminding yourself that she's 2 and maybe get the book that's called "Your two year old". There's a series of books according to age. (can't remember the author) The book should help you realize/remember what is age appropriate which I found helps me out a lot. (now that my boys are in to potty talk!)
M.

I'm 42 and have a 4 year old and a 9 month old. My 4 year old is very strong willed as well. Almost everything she does is a test of some sort. When she gets contrary about answers to questions, I don't actually answer her, but turn the question back on her and say "well, what do YOU think about " x " ? Oh really? And why do you think so? That way there is nothing for her to butt heads with.

As for the "deviancy", our daughters could be two peas in a pod. The thing I found that works best for us is to give a "limited choice" and a "specific time frame".

For example:
We are going to the park. Do you want to wear your red pants or your blue pants?
We are going to have dinner now. Do you want your hamburger warm or cold?
We need to change your diaper. Do you want to change your diaper now or in 5 minutes?

This way you have stated your purpose, but SHE also gets to make a part of the decision herself.

Sometimes when patience is at an end I give the choice of: Do you want to do " x " or do you want to have a time out? It is your choice.

The "specific time frame" is kind of a "heads up" for her so that I'm not swooping down on her and suddenly telling her she has to do "x". An Example would be: "We are going to leave the house in 10 minutes. I will remind you again in a few minutes so we can help each other get ready." A timer works really well for this, because it is not subjective. "You heard the timer. Now it is time to get your shoes on. Do you want to wear your tennis shoes or your sandals?"

It really is about her understanding that she does have an effect on the world, and wanting to be in control of that little bit that she can. Your little sprite is developing some independence. Let it grow - within boundaries.

One final thing I do once in a while is to ask a "Yes or No question" when I am ok with either answer - just to let her be the one to make the entire decision.

For example: I am planning on going to the grocery store after both girls are asleep because it is so much easier to shop kid-free. Most of the time my 4 year old doesn't like going to the grocery store anyway. So I ask: Do you want to go to the grocery store with me ? If she says "No", that's fine, because I wasn't really planning on going then anyway. If she says "Yes" then off we go and I know she won't be overly cranky because she said she wanted to go. (If she does get cranky I remind her of her decision, and ask her to rethink it next time.) Either way, SHE was the one that got to make the decision.

As a final note: Pick your battles. Look at the things you brangle about. Are some of them things that don't REALLY matter other than they are slightly annoying? Can you let her have her way on some of them?

Hope this helps.

K.

Morning A.,

Two's are tough! I've read lots of great advice in the replies: Giving options/choices (2 max) then letting her choose, not letting her bait you, establish limits and stick to them-gotta draw that line in the sand! Also the 1-2-3 Technique worked for us.

The other tool: the Supper Nanny's Naughty Corner really helped. First off I told my son here's the deal, if I count to 3 it's a naughty corner. This usually stopped him in his track. On the occasions when I reached 3, I walked him to his naughty corner. After 2 mins I'd return and ask him what he did to warrant the corner. Once he told me what he did then it was hugs and kisses and we moved on. If he couldn't tell me, became sassy, or the behavior continued, it's back to the naughty corner. I think there was only one time we had to repeat it. Usually he knows once he's got to the naughty corner stage it's time to shape up.

It seems like the periods of sassiness intensifies and for a week he's more impossible and discipline takes front stage again. Then after a few days of really nipping bad behavior in the bud things would be easier again. Right now (just 4yrs) we're into the 10,000 endless question stage, which drives me barmy but not a bad thing ultimately. He's also really talking back more than he ever did and flexing his "muscles" a bit. So I'm back to counting and corners when he persists. He always gets a warning: if you persist, it's naughty corner time. Then I employ it if he continues.

As he grew into the 3's we had less corner's and more options: if you continue to do (that) then you'll lose this (something he'd really want to do at the time). Lately it's his book before bed, looking at photos on the computer, his mp3 player, going to his cousins or grandmas... At 2 this method of losing things didn't work as well as the 1, 2, 3 and naughty corners. Generally the warning was all it took and we rarely had to actually put him into his corner.

It may sound harsh but you really have to establish those boundaries now to prevent even bigger discipline problems later. Always remember you're the parent. That's what helps me. I tend to be bit more lenient than my younger sister who is more disciplined with her daughter (same age as my son). For her losing her favorite items really really did the trick and naughty corners or counting didn't at all.

Try different techniques to see which your little girl responds to best. Good luck. It's terribly exasperating! I know but hang in there and remember: You're the parent and she's the child. It'll be rough going at first when you start getting more disciplined with her but after a few times her behavior will improve.

Wow! Your 2 yo sounds like a handful! She'll probably be a terrific and dynamic adult if only you can survive her childhood!

Sometimes, the whining and complaining is about control - either they have too much or they have too little. Perhaps you could try offering her the option to pick between toe activites like going to the park or staying and playing some game she likes. Or, if you simply need to go to the opark to cohoose walking or biking or driving. Or which park to go to. There are lots of ways to give limited choicewhere she feels ownership and control in her life. Have her pick something to make for dinner - like yoghurt in a bowl or precut veggies arranged on a plate her way.

If on the other hand she's really running the ship, you're going to have to get tough and say no. I had to do this with my youngest. He was horrible - temper tantrums with every thing. When he was about 2 1/2 we ended up using the Magic 1-2-3 system which, after explaining the system and it's consequesnces to him, goes like this "you need to do...." "No!" That's a 1. You need to ...." "No" "That's a 2. When we get to 3 that's a time out. You need to...." "No!" And to time out we'd go. I got to the point where it would be time out, double time, triple time out, time out in the bed room with NO TOYS/blankets etc around. It took a few weeks but he finally got the message and now (5 years later) we still use it. Somes times he'll go to the 2, but I haven't given him a three in about two years. He decides to make the right choice or not. He knows what the consequences are and that he will get them. Consistency on the grownup part has been critical. The other thing we've found with him is that he may be rotten to us on occasion but he's behaves beautifully with everyone else.

As for the No it's not. Sounds to me like she's just looking for a response. Tell her that it sounds like she got a strong opinion and you'd love to hear what she thinks but only if she talks nicely to you and then don't respond if she's rude but do if she speaks nicely. You can says things like "That's really interesting. I've never heard of it like" "You have some neat ideas." It doesn't really matter if she's right or wrong. It the talking about about that's fun for her. And she may well figure out that it's ok and even fun to have different views on the same thing.

Recently I went to an info session on 1-2-3 Magic:Effective Discipline for Children 2-12 by Thomas W. Phelan and I think it would be of help to you.

i too am a mom .but i have two more after 20 years and 22 years, my son is seven and my daughter is five, let me tell you something losing your temper only makes your daughter more nervous to, they sence it, believe me, if you can be cool and patience you well get better results, don't fight with her remember who is the parent, she has a temper walk away and she well, she well see it doesn't bother you, no responce more control, try it it does work...good luck K.

No wonder your nerves are shot. Here you have successfully raised one daughter, gone through the whole process of child rearing, successfully it sounds like, and now you are beginning the whole process over. Possibly you had already gone through the empty nest syndrome and now your nest is full again with possibly a new hatchling to come (speaking metaphorically).
You may have forgotten how trying and argumentive a two year old can be. Also now you have less energy than you did when your first born was two. You may resent your toddler, even while adoring her. It is not unusual to be ambiguous about your feelings toward your daughter and almost every mother at some point just feels like escaping.
Possibly some good escape IS in order. Maybe you can take your toddler to a day care centre or similar child care where she can interact with other children and may see them as less arguementive than your girl has become. Sometimes the Y has childcare while you work out, swim or shower.
Aslo it is important if you or your husband disagree on something to never use the words that bother you from your daughter's lips; like "No I don't", "no it's not" or anything else contrary or arguementive as this is role modeling to her of how people communicate. Even if you have superb behavior in front of her, though, she will argue as this is the age that children learn to assert their own individuality, who they are, that they have a mind of their own- even if they are unsure or confused about what they really want.
Often children will fuss when it's time to go out somewhere. This does not mean they are devious. It's difficult to imagine a two year old being deviant. Deviant behavior usually manifests itself when a child is much older than two, and it could be a learned behavior.
When it is time for an outing, just cheerfully carry on remembering that your child will be happy once she arrives to the destination. If she is contrary, just agree with her that she has a mind of her own. Responses like, "I hear you when you say..." or "you could have a point", followed up my your affirmation that you are the mother and she is the child and you know what's best for her should suffice. If she argues so much that you can't stand it, put in some earplugs temporarily. If you can see her and not hear her she might look comical and make you laugh. Also some brief time outs (one minute per age of child) with her standing in a corner may be in order to get the point across that her behavior is unacceptable. Remember how much you love her and be assured that these stages don't last forever.
Good Luck to you.

Sounds like an Indigo Child. I'd get the book about Indigo Children and consult an Indigo specialist. These are great kids once you figure out that you're not in charge.

You're going to get QUITE a few responses for this one! = )

I have 20-month old twins and also want to be a 'good mom', but want to practice discipline that is fair. I am currently reading the book "1-2-3 Magic". The subtitle is "Effective Discipline for Children 2-12" by Thomas W. Phelan, Ph.D. I am just starting to use it (a bit earlier than suggested) and it really seems to work. The twins club that I belong to read this book during one of their "Positive Discipline" readings...and it comes HIGHLY recommended.

Best of luck!
~ L.

I am going through a similar situation right now with my daughter. She will be 3 in July and I have started (on Tuesday last) with putting stickers on the family calendar on the days when she has had little to no outbreaks. I then told her that when she got 20 stickers we would plan a day to go to the zoo. She loved this idea and so far she has earned a sticker everyday and the amount of outbursts have lessen. Best of luck!

Sounds like she's pressing your buttons on purpose. They don't call it "the terrible two's" for nothing.
Think about possible reasons why she would do that. For instance, why is she throwing tantrums?
Does she want attention? Is she testing you because your boundaries are soft? Does she have a hard time stopping fun activities to do the boring ones?
It could be many things, but find out what they are, and address them.
For instance if she is looking for boundaries... give them to her. Obviously getting dressed, changing diapers, etc. are non-negotiables, so don't let her take 20 minutes to get them done. Make her do them (kicking and screaming if need be.) I'm not saying you should be rough with her, but many times, toddlers react best if you just stop talking, take them by the hand, and physically make them do the task you've been badgering them to do for the last 20 minutes.
I'm a Mom to a 6 month old, but have been raising a family w/ 3 kids (that lost their Mom) for the last 9 years (ever since the youngest was born.) When the two youngest did stuff like that, I tried to make it into a game. They are highly competitive kids, so I told them I would time them to see how long it took - so they raced as fast as they could to get whatever chore done - usually getting dressed or taking showers. Of course it only works if they think you are fooling around and not really in a hurry. But be creative.
As far as her talking back to you. The youngest still does that and he's almost nine. Some kids just really don't want to be told what is right, so inevitably you get responses like, "I know!" or, "No its not!" When I start to get responses like that, I learned that immediately switching to asking him questions works like a charm. Turn things into more of a conversation. For instance...
"Mommy, why do homeless people wear dirty clothes?"
"Well, dear, homeless people don't live in a house, so they can't use washing machines."
"I know!"
as soon as you hear this, switch to...
"Oh okay, is there another reason I don't know about? What do you think?"
"I want to be homeless"
"Why"
"Because you're mean"
"I would miss you very much if you were homeless"
"Can I have a pet monkey?"
"How 'bout a stuffed one?"

Anyway, you get the point.
Let go of your need to be right or to bestow your knowledge. Sometimes, kids just want to have a conversation, so they ask a question. They don't always want to listen to a boring explanation of why the sky is blue. They just want to talk and hang out with you. Sometimes they are rude and say mean things, but don't let it bother you, just let her know you care about her, and try to let things roll off your back.
The one thing I've learned about taking care of kids, is that all kids are different. The only thing that always works is to set limits and stick to them - be consistent. Everything else is a listening game. If you listen carefully enough kids will always tell you what they need. Follow your instincts and try to relax a little. This is supposed to be fun.
Good Luck!

I can appreciate what you are going though. I have the same combo of terrible Ts (teens and toddlers). I have a 13 and 14 year old and now have a 1 1/2 year old! I suggest you read the book Your Two Year Old Terrible or tender by Louise Bates Ames. She has great advice on how to manage the twos. I have had to refer back to this books series since it has been so long since I had a toddler. Good luck

This seems to me like she is testing her boundries. I know it is a rough road but stick to your decision no matter how many fits she throws. If she refuses to eat then do not give her the option for anything else. When she is hungry, give her the dinner/lunch or whatever that she did not want to eat before. Her body will not let her starve. Both of these things worked for my son. I only have 1 son (have been working for some time on another sibling) who is 4 almost 5. Everyone thinks he is an angel so I must have done something right.

I hope this helps a little.

K.

i have a 2 yo boy and he sounds almost the exact same, i think its the age but i also beleive they need boundaries. try giving her a concequence for speaking to you like that.good luck, the terrible twos are no joke!

Try the disipline system 1-2-3 Magic by Dr. Phelan. It may help, and copies of the book and video are available at many libraries.
It saved my sanity!

Whew, power struggles!
I find that as soon as I have an agenda, it sometimes gets hard. Does it work when she is throwing a fit to just say: "okay, then we won't go to the park" or will that make her mad, too?
In regards to getting dressed: for a while I put Henry into sweats after his bath instead of into his PJs if I had to go somewhere with him in the morning and all I had to struggle with was the diaper change. We did this for a couple of weeks and now getting dressed is not such an issue any more.

I totally take the power struggle out of eating, because I hated it when my parents force me to eat. We all sit at the table together and he eats a little bit, and then I leave it standing there and he comes back to it throughout the next hour or so when he gets hungry. Often, he ends up eating a full meal. I also give him a variety of healthy foods to choose from.

Good luck!

Maybe your dauhter need time to get ready to do things. Give her about 10 minutes fore warning that you are going to change her diaper or in 10 minutes it will be time to eat dinner. Then reminder her in 5 minutes and cont' doing this she will be perpared to do things. It'sjust a idea.