how should I handle my son's remark that I don't love him everytime I try to discipline him. He keeps repeating it over and over and I have tried telling him that I love him no matter what but he keeps insisting. I am now just ignoring his statement but it's getting on my nerves.
thank you all for your help. The love and logic approach appears to be working. Last time I told him he was not allowed to do something because of his behavior he started with the you don't love me. I simply said I'm sorry you feel that way he did not say it again. I am also giving him more positive attention and telling him that I love him more. Thanks so much!
Ignore it. Continue to ignore it. What he wants is for you to "prove" you love him by not disciplining him. When he's a parent one day he'll realize that disciplining him is the proof that you love him.
My daughter is the queen of this statement. I must hear it at least 10 times a day, anytime I even slightly disagree with her. I either ignore it or tell her that I hate it when she says that.
I think the Love and Logic response to that would be, "I'm sorry you feel that way." Then just move on. Usually kids just say that to get under your skin. He knows you love him, and knows you will feel bad if you think he doesn't know that. Kids are smart!
I would probably just say, "I love you enough to teach you right from wrong." or the L&L response, and then don't give it any more attention. He will stop when he sees that he can't get to you with it.
Hang in there and know that he doesn't mean it.
:)
Just say, of course I love you, but I do NOT love what you are (doing/saying/acting) right now. Leave it at that.
Keep your focus on the behavior, not the child.
Oh, and at one point he will scream I HATE YOU, so be prepared! When mine did that I just casually said, oh, that's too bad, and I didn't let them see ANY reaction from me (even though at first it felt awful.) There's no "reasoning" with a child, at least not in the adult, rational sense of the word :)
I tell my daughter when she says this "I am doing this because I love you so much"
I would ignore it. I wouldn't punish him or anything about it. I'd be sure to show plenty of love and tell him that you love him through out the rest of his day (in case he's only getting negative attention), but I would give that comment no attention beyond a "of course I do".
You could read him this Bible verse:
"He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him." Proverbs 13:24.
(The "rod" doesn't have to be literal - just means any loving discipline for our children's good.)
Don't let it get to you. I am SO GLAD I disciplined my kids when they were younger. They are wonderful teens now. You are protecting your son from a lot of grief when you discipline him in love.
My 6yo does the same thing. I just tell him the he is mad that he is in trouble an he knows that we all love him.
He also does it when we are all too busy to "help" him whenever he wants or we all want to go to a restaurant that he doesn't want to go to.... basically whenever he doesn't get his way.
We just say you would get more of what you want if you didn't throw a fit when you don't get your way.
"I love you more than you will ever know...it's my job to be your mom- not your friend...you WILL thank me later..."
Just keep ignoring his statement....he's trying to hurt you and get his way...don't bend! I know it's hard - you are doing the right thing in my opinion!!!
Set boundaries. Set rules. Set consequences for breaking the boundaries and rules...make it all consistent...you will rock the house - you are already!
Manipulation occurs very early in life. Don't give in.
I tell my son, who is 4, that I love him no matter what even if he is naughty.
But when he does something that he KNOWS is wrong, there is consequences. And this is consequences.
And also, some kids say that just to irk you.
So don't react to it.
Don't take it personally.
How old is your son?
OMG, I am so tired of hearing that! My 5 year old also says it when he is being disiplined. I usually ignore it or I tell him of course I love you.
Ask your child: __________ Tell mommy what love IS? If he's old enough, ask him to put it in writing. Once this happens, you and dad can sit down and have a discussion about love, life, privledges, behavior, consequences, and discipline.
Blessings....
.
I like "of course I do," but if you tell him you love him plenty at other times, then I think ignoring it is best. He's just trying to manipulate.
Just ignore it. My kids say it when they are angry at me (another one they use is "I hate you," which is hard to deal with, but ignore that too). At most, simply say "you know I love you" and don't comment any more. If he knows that it upsets you, he'll keep doing it. If he gets no reaction, and the discipline doesn't change because he says it, he'll get over it.
My youngest son is the most manipulative kid I have. I would have not realized all of his tricks except for the fact that I was married to his father!! He tried this but it did not work so he did it only a couple of times. I told him that I am the mother and my job is to make sure he grows up correctly so that is why I am disciplining him. I love him bunches and want him to grow up and have a good life. He knew that the "you don;t love me" trick was not going to work so he runs over to give me lots of kisses and hugs when I tell him to do something.
I agree w/ Victoria W. and Mamazita. Just wanted to add that it's best to just deal w/ the behavior at the time of the outburst and later when things have calmed down, go ahead and talk about how you love him, dislike his behavior sometimes and explain how because you love him you have to discipline him. Be sure to give specific examples of his own behavior and why it's not acceptable.
He is saying it to get a reaction. My reaction would be a warning and then a more severe consequence if he says it again. Been there, done that!!
I have said to mine, if I didn't love you I wouldn't care. I would let you do whatever you want. The next time you say that, the consequence will be worse because you know that I love you. Then I follow through. Haven't heard that in a looong time. : )
I feel your pain! My son who is 5 has started doing the same thing to me. He uses his baby brother against me. He says you play with Ben more than me and you never love me is what he says. It hurts. My husband said he is just trying to manipulate me. Ughhhh...................Let me know what you find out.
I don't know how old your son is, but sounds like a defense response from a very smart little boy. If you have a pet (a dog), you teach him how to
behave and reward him when he does well, and discipline him when he
misbehaves. Maybe it's time to get a dog and let son be "the teacher".
Don't show emotion when he throws these punches at you, Mom.
You will toughen up and I predict that this will be something you will
laugh at some day. This brings back memories for me.
'this is because i love you",,,,,,,,,"its not fun for me either"
Tell him that of COURSE you love him. That is why you are taking the time to discipline him and show him the proper way to behave. End it with something like: "If I didn't love you, I wouldn't care WHAT you did or if anybody liked being around you."
