Reality Check, Please - 2.5Yo Son Hitting Me. Was the Consequence Appropriate?

You win 1st prize in the right way to handle this situation! I bet tomorrow night when its bed time he will remember and say somethng about it. I cant wait to hear what he talks about when its time to read books. Let us know. (o:

You know, if we could give kids a warning of what the consequences would be for everything...well, I can't even imagine what would happen. That's impossible!! So much of discipline is responding to an act, not just intercepting one. You did GREAT. Perfect. Don't worry about her, YOU are the parent. Good job, mom.

He sounds like he's smart enough to know exactly what happened. I think you did fine.
I guess you'll know soon enough if it worked for good :)

Your approach was a good one; you picked a memorable and persuasive consequence. He is old enough to know that what he did was wrong, and to suffer the consequences when he hits. I bet next time he'll think twice before he hits you, and that is the goal, right? Ignoring it, as your MIL suggests, would result in nothing but a child who continues to hit you! Then what? Someday he'll be 10 and it won't be so cute anymore. Better to correct the problem now when he is still little and easy to train in this regard.

You handled it perfectly. I was told early on to imagine my todders' behavior coming from a teenager. I'm really thankful for that advise, as my kids are now respectful, wonderful teens. Hitting, especially a parent, is absolutely not OK, and you will spare yourself a whole lot of grief if you make that clear right from the start.
I recently read an article about the growing but hidden problem of teens abusing parents. It was quite shocking and heartbreaking. I don't know exactly why this is happening, but it is. You protect your son from possibly a destructive life when you teach him not to hit.

You did just fine. You handled things perfectly.
I don't think you were too harsh.
Hitting has been happening for a while and it needs to stop.
Many granparents are complete softies when it comes to discipline of children. I doubt your mother in law would have accepted this behavior from her son, but when they get little grand-cherubs, sometimes they get a little too soft, in my opinion. It's either that or they're too harsh.
The fact is, you're the one being hit and it's not okay and your son needs to know that.

He's old enough to know that hitting mommy is absolutely not okay.

Best wishes.

Perfect! Not reading another book was always a perfect promise to get our daughter to behave for any offense.

For your son it was a natural consequence. You hit mommy, no book for you. If you had been at the playground and he had hit, pick him up and ay, end of playground play for today.

He knew what he did was wrong, now he knows you do not mess with mom.

Good Job Mom!

I think you handled it perfectly. Hitting is serious and needs to be nipped in the bud.

Honestly, you did just fine! Your MIL needs to butt out. Sounds like she has her own problems and just isn't comfortable with kids crying--she's a briber! Don't worry about what she thinks--you did the right thing. That will help teach him that you mean business when you say NO hitting. Take care-

M

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I don't think that hitting is acceptable, and I do think that at his age it should have consequences, so I don't agree with your enabling MIL... however, from the way you describe it, it doesn't sound as though he was hitting to hurt or because he was angry or frustrated. His sly little smile leads me to believe that he was using the hit to connect with you and get your attention... It also makes sense because early in the post you say that he usually does this while you're playing.

It doesn't change how you handled it necessarily. Taking away the 2nd book was a good consequence. I guess I would also have showed him an appropriate way to get my attention. "Johnny, hitting hurts. If you want Mommy's attention touch me like this (and then hand over hand gentle touches on you.). Since you hit, it's time for bed now."

Two and a half is old enough to understand not to hit, but I would also look at the intention around him hitting you and start to teach some boundaries around that.

You're doing a great job. Take what your MIL says with a grain of salt. I had the same issue when I was living with my MIL. She'd interfere and make comments and made me second guess myself constantly (this was with my first.) Now that he's 17 and I now have 5 kids, I learned that I knew what I was doing all along even without the approval of my MIL. Good luck!!

I agree! You did fine!

You did exactly what I would have done, and clearly you made an impression on your son. Trust yourself, sounds like you are doing a good job and don't let MIL interfere with teaching your child important lessons.

i think it was completely appropriate. and he has been told numerous times that hitting is not ok. now he can see that when you hit, people don't like it and don't want to be around you sharing warm and fuzzies. absolutely fine with me. good job mom. you found a languange that speaks to him (taking away his book - obviously got to him) grandmas just don't want to deal with the unpleasantness - i guess they feel they paid their dues already, so they just want to see the smiles :) hang in there and stick to your guns! GOOD JOB!

You were not to harsh, in fact to me you were not harsh at all. Hitting a parent is not acceptible and i am surprised your husband did not step in and discipline. My husband taught lour sons to always respect me and treat me with gentleness. I said this in an earlier post discipline works better with smaller children than punishment, Your MIL raised her children this one is yours, and no i do not believe you are expecting to much from a 2.5 year old, it looks to me that you are not expecting enough, children at this age are smart don't let him fool you, I raised 3 kids, trust me i know. The consequence was appropriate. J.

Updated

You were not to harsh, in fact to me you were not harsh at all. Hitting a parent is not acceptible and i am surprised your husband did not step in and discipline. My husband taught lour sons to always respect me and treat me with gentleness. I said this in an earlier post discipline works better with smaller children than punishment, Your MIL raised her children this one is yours, and no i do not believe you are expecting to much from a 2.5 year old, it looks to me that you are not expecting enough, children at this age are smart don't let him fool you, I raised 3 kids, trust me i know. The consequence was appropriate. J.

Updated

You were not to harsh, in fact to me you were not harsh at all. Hitting a parent is not acceptible and i am surprised your husband did not step in and discipline. My husband taught lour sons to always respect me and treat me with gentleness. I said this in an earlier post discipline works better with smaller children than punishment, Your MIL raised her children this one is yours, and no i do not believe you are expecting to much from a 2.5 year old, it looks to me that you are not expecting enough, children at this age are smart don't let him fool you, I raised 3 kids, trust me i know. The consequence was appropriate. J.

You absolutely handled it fine. Your son cried because he thought he could get away with it and instead lost something as a result of his poor behavior. I have this situation with my 3 year-old and at first we told him hitting is not nice and it hurts and redirected him. When that did not do the trick we had to have consequences for the action. We also give him positive reinforcement and lots of attention when he acts appropriately since he mostly does this for attention. The key to reducing this behavior is to figure out why they are doing it. I DISAGREE with GirlUndone that he has no impulse control...Your hubby saw the naughty smile and your son hit you-he KNOWS it is wrong. As long as you give a consequence while showing little emotion, you are not feeding the behavior. Good Luck and remember you are the parent-you can respect your MIL and still make the decisions for your child that you feel is best:)

You were right on and did exactly the right thing. Keep doing it. Your son knows exactly why story time ended. Your response is appropriate for any age. See Love and Logic or any other parenting advice website/book. To further banish any other lingering doubts, sit down with your child at a neutral time and say that there is a new rule. The rule is that if he hits you that you will not play with him and that anything you are doing with him will stop. Get him to repeat the rule back if he's verbal. Remind him of the rule again at storytime and get him to repeat it back. Ask him "what will happen if you hit me while I'm readin you a story?" Then enforce it. See Calmer, Easier, Happier Parenting (Noel Janis Norton) for a more thorough explanation of this technique. Noel Janis Norton has a regular column on the web newsletter Macaroni Kid that lists events for kids in our area.

It was a natural and appropriate response. That she just doesn't like to hear him cry and will do whatever she can to make the noise go away makes her an inappropriate source of guidance.

No, you were right to say "no book." They are plenty old at that age to know better. In your mother-in-laws defense, it is really difficult to see your grandchild unhappy. I know because I am a grandma and sometimes have a very hard time watching their parents discipline them, even though I would have done the exact same thing with my children when they were young. They just seem much cuter when they are your grandchildren rather than your child. You don't have to do the daily struggle thing so things like the hitting are actually somewhat cute to a grandma. Stick to your guns, your son will be a much nicer child with consistent discipline.

Hello, I have four grown kids and six grandkids. I worked in elementary education as well as running my own licensed daycare in my home. You and your husband handled the situation exactly as I handle it with my granddaughter who is 2 1/2. She completely understands. When I am down on the floor and she hits me I tell her that it is not okay to hit and I get up and move to another area. She wants me to come back, but I wait a few minutes. She is then able to move on and play nice. It is the way with all two year olds. They understand exactly what is happening.
Good luck with your precious little boy.
K. K.

no it wasn't harsh. you didn't read a book. you could have hit him back, that would have been harsh. i am a firm believer in consequences, and right now consequences are best. At bed time what else could you have chosen?

2.5 years old- think of his behavior in terms what you'd expect from a puppy. He has very very very very little (read "none") impulse control.

if you act angry or retaliate- you feed the behavior.

what do you want him to learn and understand from his hitting?

a) hitting hurts - mom responds with sadness when I hurt her
b) hitting isn't funny - don't get mad- get sad- tell him with words and your facial expression "OWIE! That hurt mommy. I am so sad you hurt me."

When hitting occurs- pay attention to what may be driving the behavior. Hunger? Fatigue? Has your reaction in the past been comical? Does he need attention, and is he at a point where he'll behave badly to get it?

Just some thoughts-

Best wishes!

You and your husband are right. 2.5 years old know when they are being naughty. It's good to begin teaching him the consequences of naughty behavior now, especially when he hasn't packed on too much muscle.

Sounds like a perfectly logical consequence to me. If you give in every time your son cries, how will he ever learn that bad behavior can't simply be apologized away? As for your MIL, it's not her responsibility to raise your son -- it's yours.

I agree with other posters-- I would have done the exact same thing. Fact is, your son got the lesson completely. He learned that his actions have consequences.

It sounds to me like your MIL has issues with crying. My husband is like that. He often will run in to appease the kids and try to get them to stop crying. Problem is, then they miss out on some important learning.

I think you absolutely did the right thing. He will definitely remember the next time and will likely think twice before hitting. It doesn't mean he won't ever do it again, but next time he will be testing to see if you're consistent and if the punishment is worth the crime. You've taught him that bad behavior doesn't get rewarded. Also, an apology was necessary. You also taught him what an apology is supposed to be for - to apologize for the behavior - not to get what ultimately was taken away from you. The behavior caused the punishment. The behavior required an apology, and then he had to live with the consequence to his action. You both did well;)

not at ALL harsh! if there's no consequence, you're telling him it's okay! she must have forgotten what it takes to raise kids. did she have a nanny or something? ignore the MIL and do what you and the dad agree on. obviously her judgment is off.

I tend to agree with you MIL. Taking away things will not work forever, it is a fear based tactic. Teaching and having conversations about why he can't hit will build empathy for others and help him later in school and life in general.

Short answer - you are right and MIL is wrong! Even though on most things I tend to say there is no "right" and "wrong" (just what works for you and your family and what doesn't) in this case MIL was out of line! Believe me, 2 year olds can understand way more than most adults give them credit for. In fact, I wouldn't be at all surprised if he cried as long as he did because he knew his Gran was likely to "rescue" him! Hitting is not allowed, period. Of course there MUST be consequences for bad behaviour - by the same token though, good behaviour should be praised or rewarded whenever possible. For example - wow, you did not hit anyone ALL DAY - we can read an extra story tonight. Enjoy him - he'll be a "big boy" sooner than you expect! :)

You did fine! I don't follow the "oh, they're just kids, they can't be expected to remember or understand..." philosophy. It wasn't the first time he's hit you, he knows it's wrong. Hence, the "naughty smile." Obviously he's a bright child, so 2.5 years isn't too young for him to be expected to understand the consequences of his hitting, and it's better he learn sooner rather than later.

All kids are different so sometimes it's difficult, but It sounds as if you may have found a consequence that will work for him. I think he made the connection between losing his story and the hitting. Talk to him about what happened when he's calm and not hitting, and explain that if he hits again, there will continue to be a consequence. Being consistent and not backing down is necessary if you want him to truly know what his limits are, which it sounds as if you and your husband realize. Something else I read a few days ago was to "expect" your child to comply and behave. (I've been doing this with my 26 month old and it's actually helping.)

If your son hits again tell him he's lost a story for that night, twice, no stories. If it makes him think about his hitting enough to stop he'll have made the connection between his behavior and consequences and have learned a valuable life lesson.

You shouldn't let your MIL or anyone make you feel you were wrong.
She needs to respect the way you and your husband are trying to raise and teach your son. Of course she's entitled to her opinion, but she needs to respect you for yours, as you are responsible for his training in the long run, not her, and she needs to not undermine what you're trying to do by attempting to appease him. She also needs to not express her displeasure with your parenting in front of your son, because that will only teach him to run to Grandma when he's in trouble and then you will have a bigger problem. I know this because I had to tell both my parents to back off when it comes to discipline, to respect my decisions and stop coddling my daughter who wouldn't listen to me anymore and ran to them to plead her case. It took a long time to re-establish myself as the one she needed to listen to.

Hope I made sense : )

oh wow, you were so right not to read that book and to let him suffer a consequence! Good for you! I think he learned the lesson, a hit from a two year old doesn't hurt too bad but a 16 yr old that never learned he could not hit his mother would be a whole other ball of wax. He won't remember that punishment specifically but he will have a path in his little brain created that he is not to hit you long term. I cannot believe your MIL was against this, just goes to show how different people parent, I think you did great.

Along with just about everyone else, I think you handled it perfectly. He knows not to hit and doesn't need a warning for something he knows is wrong. It was very good that you and your husband agreed on how to handle it, and just ignore your MIL or have your husband deal with her.

I wanted to make two comments:
1. I know 2-1/2 is young, but I don't think that children their age have no impulse control. You know how they are throwing a fit, but if you give in to them, they can stop their crying in about 2 seconds? That's because they are controlling their emotions and impulses. They are smarter than we give them credit for sometimes.
2. The previous poster who talked about comforting him during the crying did make sense to me. My 2-1/2 year old daughter gets put in time out because she'll hit me to get a reaction or because she's mad. Her time out is 2-3 minutes. Maybe it would have been better to let him cry for a few minutes, then hug him and explain that he wouldn't be getting a second book because he hit but you love him.

We have a very stong-willed daughter, and our pediatrician told us that we needed to start disciplining her consistently at her 18 month check up, using time-outs, etc. I thought she was way too young for a time out, but the pediatrician said that by 18 months, they are really starting to know what they're doing. So I don't think you're expecting a too much from a 2-1/2 year old.

You're doing a great job, but I know a toddler can try your last nerve!

No you weren't too harsh, you've told him before that hitting is a No no so he has been warned. hitting does not get warning like other misbehaviors.

I also agree that you did the right thing. Follow through and consistency is your toddler's best friend, whether he knows it or not.

Our son is 3 yrs 4 months now and we had problems with hitting as well. For the most part, he seemed to grow out of it on his own. But, there were still problems sometimes with other kids up to a few months ago. Our babysitter actually really helped in this arena as timeouts just didn't seem to do the trick. She used the reward system. If a younger kid would push or hit him and he didn't retaliate, he got a sticker or stamp on the hand and everyone would clap and make a big to do about it. After a few days of this, he didn't retaliate anymore. He hasn't tried to hit my husband or I in a long time. I'm not sure if this would help you at home or not, but thought I would share. Good luck!

Summary: The actual discipline of not reading the book is OK. What I disagree with is the withholding comfort when he cried.

I'm reading The Science of Parenting by Margot Sunderland. It's author suggests that we need to comfort our babies/toddlers when they cry because the crying bathes their brain in chemicals which negatively change the chemistry of the brain. I suggest that your discipline is reasonable tho probably not the most effective. However, I do not agree with letting him cry it out. He had a legitimate reason to feel sad and that needs to be reinforced for him. We must validate our toddlers' feelings so that they can grow up emotionally healthy. You want to teach him that misbehavior has consequences but also that you understand and sympathize with how he feels. I suggest that lesson he learned is that Mommy and Daddy don't care that I'm unhappy, that I don't understand why I can't have a story. Hopefully he will put together the consequence with the action but it's doubtful.

The hitting and lack of story time are unrelated. I suggest he cried because he felt hurt and confused and it feels to him that you didn't care enough to comfort him. He didn't know this would happen. Which is he more apt to remember? That he did something which caused him to lose story time. But what that something may be lost in the strength of his emotions.

I would more likely hold his hand and tell him that hitting is not acceptable. He is going to continue to hit because that is what 2 1/2 yo's do. He is only 2.5 and hasn't yet learned how to control his impulses. It's my job as parent to teach him how to not hit. As this book has reminded me, his brain is still very immature and the part that understands and controls feelings is not yet developed. Neither is the part that controls impulses.

He is not too young to learn that misbehavior has consequences but it will take many times of providing a consequence for him to learn it. I suggest that stopping him from hitting by holding his hand and telling him "we do not hit. Hitting hurts me." is a consequence that is logical and more apt to help him learn to not hit. I suggest that once you stop him from hitting, redirecting his attention also helps him to learn that hitting is not acceptable. You are giving him something else to do instead of hitting. Yes, I think you are expecting too much from a 2.5 year old.

By the way, I suggest his "naughty" smile is an indication that he's testing the boundary. It does not mean he knows he's naughty. Testing is how we all find out where the boundary is. Remember, also, that at 2.5, the whole idea of boundaries is very very new to him.