I have a cousin that is 19 and an arrogant piece of work, just like his dad (my aunt's EX husband). So yesterday he makes a post on his Facebook and this is how the conversation went:
HIM: What's up with all these b*(*es getting pregnant at like 15 and 16? Don't they know those guys aren't going to be around to be daddies? Stupid.
ME: Excuse me, but I thank you not to call women B___. You were raised better than that.
HIM: Well they got pregnant on purpose so they are acting like b___ so I am going to call them b___
ME: Ok, Ahole
HIM: WHAT?
ME: Well you're acting like an Ahole so I am going to call you an Ahole.
My mom was not pleased when she saw this conversation, but HIS mother sent me a thank you email! She told me that I just said exactly what she was thinking, but it would be lame coming from his mom, so she was glad I did it.
So here are my questions, if you were this boys mother would you have called him out on it? I don't regret anything I did. I absolutely HATE when men refer to women as B___, so I don't regret it.
Theresa: LOL, I do and you are SO right. I just really hate to see him turn into his dad. I have a lot of younger family members on my Facebook, and am so pleased to say that this one is the only one like this. The rest are gems.
I do want to add that I told him that these girls (who he said were friends) were already going to have a very difficult time, and what they needed was support not name calling, otherwise he wasn't a very good friend. I also told him that getting pregnant at this age was a very poor choice and I agreed with him on that, just not the way he said it.
You guys are right, probably should have used different language with him. Just didn't seem right to not say anything, I think by not responding we are saying, "It's ok to act like this."
What???!!! People are having sex??? People need access to birth control????? Does Santorum know this? LOL
Would I have picked a fight with a family member publicly like this? No. He's 19 and says/does things to get a rise out his friends and family. By engaging in this back-and-forth you gave him exactly what he wanted- attention. Beyond that you called him an A-hole, so you kind of stooped to his level too.
If he had the cajones to say something along these lines around the family... different story entirely. Then, yes, I would have asked him to watch his language around my children and parents.
A lot of women are b*#&$ and a lot of men are Aholes. Calling somebody out on facebook isn't going to change anyone.
Do you think he saw your comment and went, "Oh my goodness. I really am sounding like a jerk. Perhaps I should be nicer to women in the future. Cousin J. is so right!"
Nope. He now thinks you're a jerk. And he knows his post ticked people off, which apparently is what he was going for. He set the trap and you took the bait. I think the whole thing sounds juvenile on both sides. Block him so you don't see his posts anymore. It's not worth the drama.
I couldn't be "friends" with that person on facebook, and I wouldn't involve myself in his stupidity. Especially, online. I would just be making myself look silly. Calling him an ahole over a social media site didn't do yourself any favors...
I do agree with the point you were trying to convey, though.
Though a lot of folks are saying well done, I agree with Patty W. who posted early on: Why waste your energy on this exchange? Why frustrate yourself by even dignifying his comments with a reply? He's basically done exactly what little kids do, really: He tried to push someone's buttons by saying things he shouldn't, and you let your buttons get pushed. He wanted someone to take his bait and get into it online. Why give him the satisfaction of any exchange at all -- even if you did say what you, his mom and the rest of us were all thinking? It won't make him stop and think, or change. As Patty said, I'd unfriend him and basically kick him off your Facebook if you find him offensive. If he asks why, you can tell him that as an adult, you don't want to see offensive language on your page nor do you go to pages that have it.
NO! I wouldn't have entered a battle of wits with an unarmed person and certainly not via Facebook! If you felt passionate about it, you should have sent him a private message, not engage with him on this. You are concerned about your younger family members on Facebook but went on to call him an A-hole?? I'm not sure which is worse....him calling girls a bi*%h or you calling your cousin an a-hole.
Just de-friend him and don't worry about this teenage guy.
I would not have responded either as an aunt or a mother. He's 19 and past teaching good behavior.
LOL I do see his point, too. Yes, it's not good to call women bitches but he probably knows these women and bitches may be the right word.
Since when does two wrongs make a right? You want him to stop using negative descriptors and then you use one. That teaches, not that he's into learning, that it's OK to use these words when we think it's OK.
Pick your battles. This is one you lost and will certainly continue to lose.
By not responding one is saying this isn't important enough to spend my energy on. ie. you know he won't change and so your energy is gaining nothing for him or you. You're saying, I know you're out of line and I also know that this is beneath me to respond.
If it were me, I probably would have ignored the post. He is 19 and stupid. That generation has a whole other language that is offensive to us, but their friends often seem to think it isn't so much. It's a different way of speaking. I am thinking his friends will call him out on it if they think it is off the wall. I think you wasted your energy getting in a back and forth with him on FB.
If I were the boys mother I might have "asked" him about it casually in conversation. I would have tried to keep judgement out of my voice while letting him know what was uncomfortable to me. Getting all confrontational, in my experience, with 19 year olds doesn't work.
If I were you I would probably unfriend him. Or at least set my settings so I couldn't see his daily posts in my feed. You are just aggravating yourself.
I think that you should unfriend him and deal with people your own age. You stooped to his level and made yourself look foolish. I have young cousins who say stupid and offensive things too but it's not my place to police them.
Nope - wouldn't have called him out on Facebook. That's sort of sinking to his level. But yeah, I would have said something to him in person if I was his mom. If I was his cousin... no. I just can't get worked up about idiots even if they're family.
I may have replied "What's up with all these Aholes getting 15 & 16 year-old girls pregnant? Stupid!"
I would have said a lot worse.. Good for you!! :)
Lol
I agree with Krista 100%.
I also want to add that he has more issues than just name calling if he seriously thinks it's just the responsibility of the woman to use birth control!!!
Well, he's 19. And he has a valid opinion that many of us agree with, he just didn't say it very well, or said it like a 19 yo would. I would have probably sent him a private message and not responded publicly. All of my cousins are on FB and if they say something that needs a response, I don't want to embarass them or make it so they block me, so I will say something in a personal message to them. But what you said is right and it looks like it shut him up. =)
You didn't immediately call him an Ahole or stoop to his level etc. I think the way the dialogue went you were very appropriate. Unfortunately his sentiment is right...
I can see that men, guys, don't respect women who go around doing this sort of thing but sad he is putting himself on the same level with them by calling them that name. I think everyone out there now knows what cause it and that if they don't want a child there is birth control available or better yet abstinence until married. I think if it was me I would not have put that on facebook to respond to him but ignored it. I doubt it changed anything in his opinion.
Ah, my nephew (on my husband's side) was on FB and he and his friends were tossing the "n" word around like it was the same as saying "hello." I told my husband who called his sister. He got it good. His FB was deactivated for a while too. He was 13 at the time...he too is turning into his dad, my ex-BIL (his mom is my SIL, hubby's sister).
I think you did FINE!! Not sure I would have called him names in response, but I don't think you did anything wrong.
I would not have responded to him ON Facebook, but in person or via phonecall and yes, I would have discussed the use of language, but maybe not exactly as you have.
Where's that darm like button on here.
I think you did just fine. Hopefully will make him think about how he says something in the future.
Facebook is THE vehicle for ensnarement.
My younger cousin's are always posting craziness on their Facebook pages. I overlook it because it's none of my business, and I don't want to look the old busy body always butting into their business. I have another cousin who is the same age as me (35) and she's always posing things like, 'be careful, guys' and 'OMG your language!' They don't pay her any mind.
I don't think I would waste my breath on it. However, since he is family, I probably would have called him out in some way. Just not on facebook.
If he were my son, you better believe I would say something. That, and take his computer away..He needs some education as well as some discipline.
Yep he is an Ahole and should be told he was being an Ahole- I have nieces and nephews on my face book and they have been called on a couple things. I would have also most definitely called my son out for something like this not only on face book but there would be hell to pay at home.
I agree that you should say something---but I wouldn't have stooped to his level to tell him that he was acting inappropriate or like an a-hole. I would have told him that he wasn't raised that way and that it is disrespectful etc to women to speak that way. Lead by example.
